Pink Amulet Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 An email from my ex after months of NC (what feels more like years) telling me about his sick father has put me in a very uncomfortable situation. His email has more "I need you"s and "I love you"s than you can poke a stick at. This man abandoned me when I was very ill, but the guilt of knowing his father (who I adored!) is now sick and my ex isn't coping is more than I can handle. Do I become selfless and write back with an offering of support or do I take the selfish road and do what I desperately need to do and delete it and never think of him again.... Link to post Share on other sites
mishy Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Its a sticky one. I think that you need to really imagine the two possible scenarios and how you think they are going to play out. I think it really sucks that he abandoned you when you were really sick. Thats just so low. How did that happen? If you feel that you care for him in any basic way, then i would give him the support he needs but set your own boundaries to start with. I would feel a bit rteluctant tho, if he has not been there for you when you needed him. In working out what you do you need to really think about how you would feel if the father died and you had done nothing to be there for them both. But at the same time how are you going to feel just being around him again?And is that going to do you more harm than good? I think it really depends on whether you still care about him as a person, and whether you have the strength to be there for him. You kind of have to think about your own mental health as well. You need to really listen to your gut on this one. You also are in charge of your LEVEL of support too, it doesn't have to be much, and you need to be the one calling the shots. Link to post Share on other sites
the_alchemyst Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I would be there for him. Just because he was selfish doesn't mean you have to be the same. And plus, it's not so much about him, but about his dad. He did no wrong to you, now did he? I don't know how to say it, but by you being there, it would show a lot of integrity on your part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pink Amulet Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Well his father doesn't live anywhere close by, so there is no way I could actually be there for his father. This would be an ex specific support. Which he certainly doesn't deserve. You you are right about integrity... for my own sense of integrity... I have also been through a couple of things since and have felt no need or desire to burdeon him with it. When it is over, it's over. Also, he has many friends he could rely on for support and I feel as though this is his way of guilting me back to him... Link to post Share on other sites
Poboy Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 a tough one If you sincerely want to give him support emotionally , do so and also let him know the same. If he writes 'I love you' and things after breakup n NC , he's mostly looking for more in his head. Let him know why you are here for him at this moment and not for something else. If you do reject him on the basis he hurt you , there is not much difference between your and his actions ... there might be guilt associated later on for you . So do as you feel is right ... for you & him Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 His email has more "I need you"s and "I love you"s than you can poke a stick at. Do I become selfless and write back with an offering of support or do I take the selfish road and do what I desperately need to do and delete it and never think of him again.... As you said, he has other friends close at hand to support him through this. What he wants from you is "girlfriend" support, but you're not his girlfriend any more. Caving in and going back into that role (which is what will happen if you get further involved in this) isn't selfless and nor is it helpful. It will only encourage him in the false belief that he can salvage any relationship - however badly he behaved within it - by playing the "I need you" card. If not writing back to him at all doesn't feel like an option, (and under the circumstances I can understand that) you could always let him know that you're prepared to offer friendly support via email, but that he must understand that the romantic aspect of the relationship has now ended - and won't be revived by any amount of "I love yous" and "I need yous". Being a good, nice person doesn't mean allowing yourself to be manipulated and guilt-tripped into giving until it hurts. PS - I hadn't read Poboy's post when I wrote that. It's pretty much a reiteration of what he's saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pink Amulet Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 you could always let him know that you're prepared to offer friendly support via email, but that he must understand that the romantic aspect of the relationship has now ended - and won't be revived by any amount of "I love yous" and "I need yous". Done. I always wondered how far out of a relationship do you go back to in the event of a terrible situation. I know I would never have called on him for support no matter what the situation. I wouldn't even want him invited to my funeral to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Done. Good on you. Lindya's advice is a little gem. Can't believe how the guy tried to manipulate you using his father's ill health. Especially as he abandoned you when you deserved support. What a nerve. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 What if you had changed your email? What if you would have deleted this email unread? Your life would be different. You would be moving Forward. He would have survived. You would have survived. Now, he has played a "guilt" card, the woe is me ex boyfriend (the one who dumped you at the worst possbile moment). And now you are moving backwards. Everyone on earth is going to have people that are close who are going to get sick and even die. He is using this unique "opportunity" to bore his way back into your life; and he will make it miserable. You responded so you want this contact too on some level. You also have a "need" for him. Now you have opened the door wide for more and more contact with X, more and more manipulation from him. More and more drama. We have met the enemy and he is US. regards Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Hi, Do I become selfless and write back with an offering of support or do I take the selfish road and do what I desperately need to do and delete it and never think of him again.... Do not ask "us" what to do. This is something that you have to ask your heart. Don't ever let anyone else tell you what to do. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 You responded so you want this contact too on some level. You also have a "need" for him. Now you have opened the door wide for more and more contact with X, more and more manipulation from him. More and more drama. Why must people apply large brush-strokes of the same paint to every problem? Surely it's basic courtesy and human empathy to acknowledge someone's email when they're telling you that their parent (who you've had a good relationship with) is very ill. Even if he is trying to manipulate her into getting back with him, she seems smart enough to deal with that nicely but firmly. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Just a thought...........how about emailing your ex thanking him for giving you a 'heads up' on his fathers condition. Then bypass your ex, go straight to his father w/ "get better" card/flowers/phone call. This may make you feel better-giving respect to his father, and yet not giving your ex hope for reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
2020vision Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 What if you had changed your email? What if you would have deleted this email unread? Your life would be different. You would be moving Forward. He would have survived. You would have survived. Now, he has played a "guilt" card, the woe is me ex boyfriend (the one who dumped you at the worst possbile moment). And now you are moving backwards. Everyone on earth is going to have people that are close who are going to get sick and even die. He is using this unique "opportunity" to bore his way back into your life; and he will make it miserable. You responded so you want this contact too on some level. You also have a "need" for him. Now you have opened the door wide for more and more contact with X, more and more manipulation from him. More and more drama. We have met the enemy and he is US. regards You have been given great advice here. You do not owe him nor his family anything. This is just a ruse to get you back into his life somehow. He may be hurting right now, but that is no longer your responsibility. He let you go when he kicked you to the curb, not caring about your feelings, don't give him the gratitude of even so much as an email back. Block him from your email account, don't open emails if you somehow get them, and move on. You can remain NC, and move forward from this. He is bringing you down, and you are allowing it. Break the cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 You have been given great advice here. You do not owe him nor his family anything. This is just a ruse to get you back into his life somehow. He may be hurting right now, but that is no longer your responsibility. He let you go when he kicked you to the curb, not caring about your feelings, don't give him the gratitude of even so much as an email back. Block him from your email account, don't open emails if you somehow get them, and move on. You can remain NC, and move forward from this. He is bringing you down, and you are allowing it. Break the cycle. With all due respect I don't think that is either the right way to respond to this situaton, or in anyway a fair assement of the situation as presented by the OP. Pink you are moving forward all the time and you are completely right to question how you should respond here. To talk in cliches here "two wrongs do not make a right." I believe that in this situation the correct course of action is for the OP to respond to the email in a polite manner, offering her regards to the sick father and her support to her ex albeit from a distance and via email. To assume that Pink is unable to do this without either getting sucked back in to a "Cycle" or by even wanting to do this she is proving she has some "Need" for him, is just crazy, or maybe just an indication of how everyone brings their own baggage to their posts? Either way,You've done the right thing sweetie, you know you have and we are here for you if it gets tricky xxx Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 To assume that Pink is unable to do this without either getting sucked back in to a "Cycle" or by even wanting to do this she is proving she has some "Need" for him, is just crazy, or maybe just an indication of how everyone brings their own baggage to their posts? Absolutement. It can all start to sound like one of those support groups whereby people who come in weighed down with baggage exhort others to view themselves as "addicts" instead of as normal people who are adjusting to changes in their lives and relationships. Actually, it was this thread that prompted me to start the "no contact with no contact" thread. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 , but the guilt of knowing his father (who I adored!) is now sick and my ex isn't coping is more than I can handle. It's sad news that his father is sick. Is "guilt" the right word? Why do you feel guilty? I mean, it's not like you abandoned him, or anything. Maybe what you need to decide is whether you want to be part of his "support network" (and life!) - or not. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Perhaps a course in remedial reading may be of value to our two "contact" apologists. Perhaps the "baggage" carried to this forum comes from the place of "misery loves company." or do I take the selfish road and do what I desperately need to do and delete it and never think of him again.... Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Perhaps a course in remedial reading may be of value to our two "contact" apologists. Neither Slayer or myself are anything close to being "remedial", so why make such a foolish statement? Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Perhaps a course in remedial reading may be of value to our two "contact" apologists. Perhaps the "baggage" carried to this forum comes from the place of "misery loves company." I don't believe there is anything such as a one-size-fits-all approach here - if you are suggesting that reading the stories of others leads us to one conclusion. It doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Neither Slayer or myself are anything close to being "remedial", so why make such a foolish statement? Its not such a foolish statement. the OP admitted to herself and the careful reader that further contact would be a terrible idea. But that doesn't stop our intrepid posters from telling her to go ahead and do it anyway! Then along comes MOI, who agrees that, yes it is a terrible idea. Don't do it. Yeah that was my crime. I agreed with her and supported her basic coping INSTINCTS. Most here advocate breaking contact being the "nice" person and putting the feelings of the abusive dumper ahead of her own needs. FOR WHAT? Really now. FOR WHAT? Further, I suggest that posters gave this poor advice that is contrary to the OP's own coping instincts because of their very own break-up baggage. Imagine that. regards Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Hey, Pink is unable to do this without either getting sucked back in to a "Cycle" or by even wanting to do this she is proving she has some "Need" ~Slayer Absolutement...like one of those support groups... who exhort others to view themselves as "addicts" instead of as normal people who are adjusting to changes in their lives and relationships. ~lindya I agree with that again. This is assuming that Pink is a total moron, that can't give an ill person that she cares about good wishes (like any civilized person with a heart would do), because she is going to get sucked up into a black hole of despair that she'll never be able to get out, she is going to go back to "square one" (God forbid) and that is going to mess up all her life. Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Its not such a foolish statement. the OP admitted to herself and the careful reader that further contact would be a terrible idea. But that doesn't stop our intrepid posters from telling her to go ahead and do it anyway! Hey! I advise you to and jump in the nearest lake (this is for your own good, mind). Did you do it? Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Then along comes MOI, who agrees that, yes it is a terrible idea. Don't do it. Yeah that was my crime. I agreed with her and supported her basic coping INSTINCTS. Presumably you're referring to a previous poster called Moimeme, and implying that one of us is some kind of reincarnation of her. I don't plan on getting into any debate with you about that, and neither am I going to get into a tennis match of snide comments. If you're offended by the "baggage" comments, then I apologise for offending you. I do feel, though, that it's important to avoid making assumptions about Pink...eg that she would be incapable of sending her ex the kind of brief, courteous email I suggested without getting embroiled into all sorts of drama. She's sent him the email, and her brief post advising of this had an air of "done and dusted" about it. I just can't see why it would be helpful to start telling her that she's now going to get pulled back into an unhealthy situation. She might, she might not. I don't know her....but she sounds pretty well balanced, and hopefully she's done what feels right to her. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I caught up with her back story and feel I gave the appropriate advice. And I am 100% comfortable with that. regards Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I caught up with her back story and feel I gave the appropriate advice. And I am 100% comfortable with that. regards I agree with you completely, I am sure you will find that is what everyone here has done. Obviously we all bring a different perspective. Apologies to you, if the fact I challenged your assumption that by sending a brief email to her ex the OP was demonstrating she had a need for him caused you offence. That was the only reference I made to your post. If this qualifies me for a course in remedial reading, I can only assume the educational standards in your home town, must be way higher than they are in mine Link to post Share on other sites
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