In Sync Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 An email from my ex after months of NC (what feels more like years) telling me about his sick father has put me in a very uncomfortable situation. His email has more "I need you"s and "I love you"s than you can poke a stick at. This man abandoned me when I was very ill, but the guilt of knowing his father (who I adored!) is now sick and my ex isn't coping is more than I can handle. Do I become selfless and write back with an offering of support or do I take the selfish road and do what I desperately need to do and delete it and never think of him again.... How do you feel about this man honestly? I now see that forgivenss and moving without holding a grudge or without holding onto resentment is the best any of us can aspire to. You are in a tricky situation because you obviously hold no ill will towards his father, but in order to convey this you are drawn back into communicating. If you feel that you can't just stick to the subject of saying sending your blessings and prayers to his father then what more would you be expected to do for this man after that to show support? Does showing support mean you have to go to bed with him? No. Does showing support mean you must take care of him or hang out with him? How do you technically show support for his dad...by being resuming a relationship with him again? You see it's in the details where you may find yourself meaning well but manipulated by your ex who's willing to take advantage of your good intentions. You are out of a mess...believe it or not. Guard what confusion your heart gets involved with. From experience you know how painful it can be. Don't do something out of guilt and wind up in a mess again. Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I'm a believer of NC 99% of the time unless there is a chance to make peace and have that one moment of contact be something that is truly healing. The one problem that I do have with NC, at least as it is used on this board, is that everyone implants this idea that if you do NC, that you will automatically be back to "square one" "day one" , whatever. We hear this advice so much, that we actually begin to fear that there are monsters lurking in the shadows if we don't sit tight under our magic NC blanket and keep our eyes closed. If you tell someone that you'll be back at "square one", or you'll be disappointed, or "you're doing it for selfish reasons", you can actually begin to implant those ideas into people's heads and make them believe it. I'm sure that many of us on here have had our exes do something similar which truly made us doubt ourselves or our decisions. NC is useful. But each must weigh it in their own way. Link to post Share on other sites
2020vision Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I don't bring baggage to my posts, its called experience. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 An email from my ex after months of NC (what feels more like years) telling me about his sick father has put me in a very uncomfortable situation. His email has more "I need you"s and "I love you"s than you can poke a stick at. This man abandoned me when I was very ill, but the guilt of knowing his father (who I adored!) is now sick and my ex isn't coping is more than I can handle. Do I become selfless and write back with an offering of support or do I take the selfish road and do what I desperately need to do and delete it and never think of him again.... I also might add here an additional thought to ponder. If you are still healing from your breakup how could you put yourself in the position of supporting him without screwing up your own peace of mind. Had you emotional distance and you are at a stage where the past is just that in the past, perhap it is appropriate. I think his telling you that he loves you is the easiest and quickest way to play on your sense of trust. It's rather insensitive and selfish that a person he cause emotonal to, he goes to for "support." with realizing the position he is putting you in. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 His email has more "I need you"s and "I love you"s than you can poke a stick at. which doesn't go hand in hand with This man abandoned me when I was very ill - which does go hand in hand with I take the selfish road and do what I desperately need to do and delete it and never think of him again Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I don't bring baggage to my posts, its called experience. Difficult experiences leave people with a certain amount of baggage. All of us have some of it and recognising that is the first step to lightening the load in order to take a more objective stance. Fireflywy's comment here is very wise, I think... The one problem that I do have with NC, at least as it is used on this board, is that everyone implants this idea that if you do NC, that you will automatically be back to "square one" "day one" , whatever. We hear this advice so much, that we actually begin to fear that there are monsters lurking in the shadows if we don't sit tight under our magic NC blanket and keep our eyes closed. Nobody here is suggesting that Pink should suddenly become heavily involved in this guy's life again. What we are trying to do is take into account the particular circumstances of this case, and acknowledge that life isn't black and white. I suspect the real dispute here is based on people's perceptions of rules. Some people regard rules are useful guidance - but won't hesitate to break them if the rules are blocking what they regard as the humane course of action. Others think the world will crumble if they break the rules....and can get very agitated by other people's refusal to agree with that. I don't think it's a difference of opinion that will get resolved any time soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Guys, can we take a step back from the arguments here please. The OP asked for advice not a war. Let's just agree to disagree 'kay..?! I don't mean to be rude but we should try to remember when we're posting that someone who posted the original need for help is hurting and creating disagreements all over it isn't helping. I'm not preaching... just I'm mindful that when I'm feeling vulnerable, it upsets me to see things like this. I know we all have a right to express opinion but going backwards and forwards all over it, isn't really helping any. Personally Pink Amulet, I think politely replying to the ex's mail with a "thanks" for letting you know about his Father's illness and then contacting the Father directly with a card or letter, is the best way to go. It gives you a direct route of action to make a statement that you have not allowed the effects of what happened colour your actions now towards the father. But also it prevents you getting sucked into the needy situation with the ex. You're still healing so getting sucked into supporting your ex is going to be damaging for you and for him. Right now, he's emotionally vulnerable and he's leaning the way he's always leaned, towards you. That's natural. Despite what you feel about how he treated you, it is natural for him to look for support from you. In this instance, it is YOU who has to draw the line - because he cannot see clearly to do so. As for his treatment of you when you were sick. I don't know how long it has been... I was in the same position. It's been two years plus now for me. With time and distance, I've been able to understand better what happened and to forgive. Give it time. It will come. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Guys, can we take a step back from the arguments here please. Cool. Besides, it is always better to charge with a bit of a run-up. But seriously - what argument?! This is squarely in discussion territory. Personally Pink Amulet, I think politely replying to the ex's mail with a "thanks" for letting you know about his Father's illness and then contacting the Father directly with a card or letter, is the best way to go. Fair enough. My point of view is that this is all too cloak-and-dagger. I mean, all she needs to figure out is whether she wants to be friends with him - or not. All this drama about needing to heal and stuff is all well and good, but we're not that delicate. I think that it's sad that his father is sick, but it's his father. I believe that the decision is solely whether to give her ex support. All or nothing, basically. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I believe that the decision is solely whether to give her ex support. All or nothing, basically. Easier said than done though...!! Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Easier said than done though...!! So, so, so, so true. Sex is the opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pink Amulet Posted August 2, 2006 Author Share Posted August 2, 2006 Thank you for all of the advice. I think I did what was in my heart, not the irrational side of my heart, but the compassionate, sympathetic side. I feel worse than I did a week a go, but I could imagine this would have been much the same if I had not responded. He asked if he could see me for coffee and I gently declined. Someone asked what the guilt was for? My statement was a tad ambiguous and I apologise. I meant I would feel a sense of guilt for pushing a way a hand that reached out to me, regardless of the person, regardless of the reason. Among many other things, upon descovering the squamous cell carcinomas on my cervix (among other tragedies) I turned to him, and he walked away. After five years. I will never completely forgive him for that. But I onced loved him, and I loved him for a reason. I feel nothing now, no hate, no pain, no love, just an emotionally empty void. I told him to not contact me unless the situation worsened, and that my heart was with his family (I was careful not to direct this at him). I can see why this thread incited so much passion. It is an interesting question you have to ask yourself.... Where does self preservation (NC) end, and human compassion begin? Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 There is a reason threads tend to go SOUTH as this one did. The OP asked for advice on a public Internet forum. In doing so, she should have and hopefully did expect to get a VARIETY of responses to her question, based on the view points and experiences of the posters who choose to respond. This is a GOOD THING. Its good that she has a variety of opinions about what to do. She can choose the ones that work best for her and reject the ones that don't. Now what tends to happen, as it did here, is that a poster will begin to question, diminish, and impugn the advice of another poster who he/she does not agree with. This starts an unfortunate chain of events that devolves into this kind of thread. How to remedy this? Respect the opinions of ALL posters by letting them stand on their own without comment. Respect their set of experiences and insights. The OP then gets a variety of opinions she can take to heart, or ignore based on her own personal circumstances. But attacking another opinion only damages the thread and INEVITABLY begins a flame war. If you don't agree with the advice of a poster on the thread, LET IT STAND. Its there for the original poster. It matters not whether YOU need to feel right or that your opinion wins out. The forum works best when a variety of responses are posted and encouraged. They can be encouraged when they are not ATTACKED. Let them stand as is and TRUST the OP to do what is right. regards Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Look, I don't see it as attack. Of course you are going to read through the posts - to get perspective. It's called CONTRAST. Makes things sharper. If this was attack, then the Middle East would turn Nerf into a multi-billion dollar export industry. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I think I did what was in my heart, not the irrational side of my heart, but the compassionate, sympathetic side. I feel worse than I did a week a go, but I could imagine this would have been much the same if I had not responded. Some things you can't emerge from completely unscathed. He asked if he could see me for coffee and I gently declined. Well done Someone asked what the guilt was for? My statement was a tad ambiguous and I apologise. I meant I would feel a sense of guilt for pushing a way a hand that reached out to me, regardless of the person, regardless of the reason. I can relate. Among many other things, upon descovering the squamous cell carcinomas on my cervix (among other tragedies) I turned to him, and he walked away. After five years. I will never completely forgive him for that. But I onced loved him, and I loved him for a reason. I am so sorry to hear that...but so glad that you've taken those hard, hard experiences and used them to turn yourself into the strong, compassionate person you so clearly are. Where does self preservation (NC) end, and human compassion begin? I think you just gave us an example by your actions in this. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 On those occasions in life where I've had the choice to be selfless and ignore my own feelings, or be a bit of a hardass, I've always regretted the times I wasn't a hardass. I've never got anything out of reluctantly helping someone else, just because I thought it was the right thing to do. So my advice would be to take the selfish route and not talk to him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pink Amulet Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 LOL- Why are you resurrecting all of my old threads?! This guy has since proposed to me Link to post Share on other sites
Mollyanna Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 LOL- Why are you resurrecting all of my old threads?! This guy has since proposed to me Pink: WHAT? This is my first time seeing this thread. What happened from the beginning of August where you declined his invitation to coffee, till now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pink Amulet Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 Haha nothing! Well not for me anyway... I guess absence made his heart grown fonder. He asked me, and I hung up the phone Link to post Share on other sites
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