Can a MM honestly love his wife if he get's caught up in an affair?

[Guest]

I am trying help and to understand a good friend of mine. He is married claims his wife is his best friend. He has been involved in an emotional affair with a MW for month's now also with some touching. The MW seems to have iniated it, however he has been playing right along, even though at one point they both tried to stop it he keeps coming back for more.

 

He tells me that he cares about and REALLY like this MW, she's beautiful and they have a GREAT connection they like each other. He's likes to hug her very much even though he know's its not right and when he does not hug her he say's he misses the adrenline rush he gets from her. I am not sure how to guide him, it seems as though he might be falling in love with this MW. Any suggestions?

[stoopid_guy]

He can love his wife without being in love with his wife... I don't think you can be in love with more than one at a time though.

 

He should either try to rekindle things with his wife, accept life without romance, or get out of it though.

 

What will he do? His heart and head are in major conflict right now. Who knows?

[a4a]

I am trying help and to understand a good friend of mine. He is married claims his wife is his best friend. He has been involved in an emotional affair with a MW for month's now also with some touching. The MW seems to have iniated it, however he has been playing right along, even though at one point they both tried to stop it he keeps coming back for more.

 

He tells me that he cares about and REALLY like this MW, she's beautiful and they have a GREAT connection they like each other. He's likes to hug her very much even though he know's its not right and when he does not hug her he say's he misses the adrenline rush he gets from her. I am not sure how to guide him, it seems as though he might be falling in love with this MW. Any suggestions?

 

sure I have a suggestion.......

print out some of the stories here and let him read them.

[blind_otter]

He tells me that he cares about and REALLY like this MW, she's beautiful and they have a GREAT connection they like each other. He's likes to hug her very much even though he know's its not right and when he does not hug her he say's he misses the adrenline rush he gets from her. I am not sure how to guide him, it seems as though he might be falling in love with this MW. Any suggestions?

 

With the mention of "adrenaline rush" I would think this was more of an addictive relationship, i.e. he's using this extracurricular relationship to distract himself from his problems in his life, much like an alcoholic uses alcohol to distance themselves and forget.

 

Which would mean that, aside from the obvious, this interaction has an unhealthy motivation (likely from both parties since they are both married), and therefore it's extremely difficult to build anything stable on such a foundation.

[Nana10]

This is a very touchy subject with me as my H was having an EA with my best friend. Because of the way the two of them were acting I started digging and found out on my own that this was happening.

My best friend should have told me this was going on when H told her he had feelings for her, she should have also told me about the EA when I asked her if this was going on and she lied to me and said no not to her knowledge. She should have also discouraged my H from having contact with her when she found out but instead encouraged it. Right now my friend and I aren't speaking, I just can't get passed the betrayal from her, and H and I are doing well. I told H I don't want her in our lives!

I would encourage your friend to start paying more attention to his marriage and working things out at home instead of with MW. Sounds to me the excitement is gone out of marriage. He should be trying to get that excitement back with his wife/best friend. It isn't going to fall in his lap he must work at it and talk to wife and let her know how he is feeling. He needs to come clean about EA before it goes to far (in my opinion it already has). He needs to get MW out of his life completly (NC) if he is going to make an effort with wife. I am surprised his wife doesn't have some sort of clue that this is going on.

Married couples tend to get comfortable and might take each other for granted. I always tell my children the hardest job they will ever have is a relationship/marriage and they must always work on it or it will fall apart. Now days it seams to many couples aren't willing to work on a relationship and are to fast to toss in the towel.Your friend took vows when he got married and apparently they don't mean much to him.

Tell him to strap a pair on and start acting like a real man!!! It doesn't matter who initiated it, it was wrong for on both sides. It is always nice to know that you are attractive to others but his only concern should be with his wife! Your friend and MW are willing to tear their families apart?

Sorry I went on this rampage but yes it is possible for a MM to still love W while having an affair. My H said he loves me and I am his best friend and doesn't know why I put up with him even during his EA. He knew he was putting me through hell and back and that was the last thing he wanted was to hurt me.

[Guest]

This is a very touchy subject with me as my H was having an EA with my best friend. Because of the way the two of them were acting I started digging and found out on my own that this was happening.

My best friend should have told me this was going on when H told her he had feelings for her. She should have also discouraged my H from having contact with her when she found out but instead encouraged it. Right now my friend and I aren't speaking, I just can't get passed the betrayal from her, and H and I are doing well. I told H I don't want her in our lives!

I would encourage your friend to start paying more attention to his marriage and working things out at home instead of with MW. Sounds to me the excitement is gone out of marriage. He should be trying to get that excitement back with his wife/best friend. It isn't going to fall in his lap he must work at it and talk to wife and let her know how he is feeling. He needs to come clean about EA before it goes to far (in my opinion it already has). He needs to get MW out of his life completly (NC) if he is going to make an effort with wife. I am surprised his wife doesn't have some sort of clue that this is going on.

Married couples tend to get comfortable and might take each other for granted. I always tell my children the hardest job they will ever have is a relationship/marriage and they must always work on it or it will fall apart. Now days it seams to many couples aren't willing to work on a relationship and are to fast to toss in the towel.Your friend took vows when he got married and apparently they don't mean much to him.

Tell him to strap a pair on and start acting like a real man!!! It doesn't matter who initiated it, it was wrong for on both sides. It is always nice to know that you are attractive to others but his only concern should be with his wife! Your friend and MW are willing to tear their families apart?

 

Thank you for adding your thoughts here. I am very sorry for your pain and hope you are doing well with H. I think your right about my friend. It's kind of strange because it sound's like he loves his wife very much, but is so turned on by this OMW. I believe that he want's to stop it to make sure he does not wreck his home life, but I also believe that his marriage must lack excitement.

 

He has stated that he's very Comfortable in his marriage. He has said he loves his wife and then said if I love her in two years from now than I love her in two years from now, not sure what he meant by that!! There must be the lack of passion and excitement that MW has to offer. I also gather he is in love with MW to some degree. I am worried for him that his marriage is in deep trouble if he does not ignite that flame that was ounce burning.