No contact with no contact

[crazy_grl]

It is kinda funny how people assume that an X would even want to hear from you. Tad arrogant perhaps?

 

I think that's a pretty big conclusion to jump to. If you assume that they don't want to hear from you, does that mean you have low self-esteem?

 

If a person wants to contact their ex, they should feel free to. If the ex doesn't want to hear from them, they have every right to politely say so.

[lindya]

And I also have no problem with looking foolish, sad, and desperate.

 

I remember making a conscious decision to look extremely f,s and d with a stbxbf (I love all these abbrev.s ). I think it must have had something to do with reading the Horse Whisperer...ie once you live out a fear, it stops giving you nightmares.

 

Having said that, it's not an exercise I'd care to repeat.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

some of us have a natural NC.... we honestly don't care.

 

That's precisely my point.

 

I also don't care to count ants in the park and things like that.

 

If you don't care then you don't care. Which is also great.

 

Ariadne

__________________

♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥

[a4a]

Was that the reason for the break-ups?

 

 

Depends on which one?

 

If you are talking about long term ones lasting over 3 years ...... 5 total

 

off the top of my head one cheated, one semi- mutual, the others I packed it in.

 

The cheater tried to reconcile I just was not interested in doing so.

 

Why, what difference does it make?

 

I think that's a pretty big conclusion to jump to. If you assume that they don't want to hear from you, does that mean you have low self-esteem?

 

No but people move on in life and I don't think I have the right to intrude in a persons life. Nor do I think it is proper to do drop ins on friends. Not low self esteem......but I am not arrogant enough to think..... "I bet so and so is wondering what I have done with my life, I will make his day and call him" Nor would I appreciate a "drop in" from them.

 

And without the curiosity of wondering about them.....no reason to contact a X.

 

I am stuck now talking with the X over business and property..... as soon as it is settled I am done with it.

[a4a]

I made an error. It is not about being arrogant it is about respect. I have enough respect for my X's not to intrude in their current life..... I would hope that they would have enough respect to not intrude into mine.

[crazy_grl]

"I bet so and so is wondering what I have done with my life, I will make his day and call him"

 

I very much doubt that's what people are thinking. Most are just curious about how someone they once knew well is doing. There's nothing wrong with that, especially if it was a good relationship and not an aweful break-up. But if you don't even like catching up with old friends, then I can see why you don't understand that perspective.

 

I've had exes I want to talk to and ones I didn't want to talk to contact me. My first real bf from high school just found me last week. That was pretty cool. It was interesting to find out where he is and everything. And it turns out he did make my day.

[soberminded]

I am in a relationship and doing NC with my current girlfriend for 10 days. Does NC mean not talking to them or does it mean no contact initiated from my side? I've always believed that there's different forms of NC. Most common one I use is no contact initiated from my side but if the other person calls it's up to me to answer or ignore them.

[a4a]

I very much doubt that's what people are thinking. Most are just curious about how someone they once knew well is doing. There's nothing wrong with that, especially if it was a good relationship and not an aweful break-up. But if you don't even like catching up with old friends, then I can see why you don't understand that perspective.

 

I've had exes I want to talk to and ones I didn't want to talk to contact me. My first real bf from high school just found me last week. That was pretty cool. It was interesting to find out where he is and everything. And it turns out he did make my day.

 

I just don't see the point in it. But if you do go for it. Maybe I would have back when I was younger..... I don't recall. I am old and forget things often

 

I am more interested in my upcoming vacation than talking about the one I took years ago.

[lindya]

I am in a relationship and doing NC with my current girlfriend for 10 days. Does NC mean not talking to them or does it mean no contact initiated from my side? I've always believed that there's different forms of NC. Most common one I use is no contact initiated from my side but if the other person calls it's up to me to answer or ignore them.

 

Well....the point of this thread is really about not getting too hung up on the notion of No Contact when a relationship is over.

 

What is it you hope you'll achieve by not communicating with your girlfriend?

[Ariadne]

Hey you,

 

I remember making a conscious decision to look extremely f,s and d with a stbxbf (I love all these abbrev.s )...

 

Me too. The things I've done... the things I've done...

 

But hey! I was being "me."

 

Ariadne

__________________

♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥

[johnnytable]

What is it you hope you'll achieve by not communicating with your girlfriend?

 

Getting married to a hot Swedish woman.

 

But honestly, I hope to achieve sanity first.

[superconductor]

NC is simply one more tool in the breakup toolbox. Sometimes it doesn't need to be used, especially if the breakup was mutually agreed upon but the parties still maintain a healthy respect for one another.

 

It's the other breakups - the ones where you're dying to contact the other party because you just have to get the last word, or need "closure" (there's really no such thing) or simply cannot get them out of your mind - where NC becomes necessary for one to get on with their own life.

 

It's just like breaking an addiction, like smoking. Some people absolutely HAVE to go cold turkey, because weaning or patches or "cure of the week" just won't do the trick.

[Outcast]

I'd be interested to hear people's views about how useful the whole "no contact" mantra really is.

 

I agree with Tan:

 

I do think it serves some purpose, the most important of which is just breaking the neurochemical addiction. You're basically going cold turkey with the ex.

 

It's fine if you're all sensible and rational and unobsessed, but a lot of folks come to LS positively addicted to their exes. And they are unable to let go of the 'if only I just did/said (insert whatever) then s/he'd come back' syndrome. So using a mantra helps. It's easier to remember a simple 'NO, I won't do it' then to keep in mind all the very good reasons why you ought not do it, particularly when the addiction rears its ugly head.

 

I think the NC mantra is stupid. Is just people being afraid (and harming themselves more by adding some new silly rule to their lives).

 

Indeed! However:

 

The only rule I applied as regards NC was "never forget how foolish, sad and desperate you will look if you contact him...but if you really need to, go ahead."

 

So adding another 'rule' to one's life is OK after all if it's the proper sort of approved un-silly rule?

 

Different things work for different people. You operate differently; you don't get addicted, you don't need something like NC to get you over your situation. Others do. And that should be ok, I'm thinking,

 

As Dr. Phil always says 'how's that workin' for ya?' - well, NC works for some people extremely well.

[lindya]

So adding another 'rule' to one's life is OK after all if it's the proper sort of approved un-silly rule?

 

Of course! It's not a rule telling me not to do something...it's just a rule reminding myself to go in with my eyes open.

[Chinook]

Hi Lindya

 

Interesting thread. I think what we have to remember is that Loveshack is visited daily by new people in the initial stages of either breaking up or in coping with a recent breakup. In those initial stages for the hurt to recede, a lack of contact is the only way to go in my opinion. I've been in limited contact for two years and up until I initiated complete no contact a month ago, I wasn't healing. At all.

 

I don't think it's a hard and fast rule. Neither do I think it's an obsession. It's the only thing really which is proven to work over the short term and many LS posters agree with that because it's their given experience. It really depends upon the person. Like norajane said, if someone can't cope and heal in limited contact (i.e has to eat the whole bag of chips instead of just a few) then it's going to make healing take a whole lot longer. I think what alot of newer posters should bear in mind though is that every single person who posts at LS, myself included... their posts and opinions are guided by their experiences with either painful breakups or bad relationships. They cannot possibly post unbiased advice regarding this... as much as a utopian ideal it would be to do so... the whole benefit of LS comes from one person saying to another "this is what worked for me". The person receiving the advice needs to really think "does that apply to me..? and is it relevant".

 

I've had lots of great advice from LS. Lots of it. Some of it applied and some of it didn't. Initially when I started posting earlier this year... there was no way I would have considered going down the NC route with my ex because he and I were committed to a lasting friendship. But... when it came down to it... it really was not working for me... and LS caught that fall and it became clear that NC might work. I think the obsessional aspects come when people see it as a beacon of hope for recovery, healing or worst still, for getting their ex back. 'No contact' isn't even about healing... to heal there are 'other' things you have to do instead... no contact is simply about levelling the playing field so you get a good chance at healing.

 

Just my opinion of course.

[lindya]

Hi Lindya

 

Interesting thread. I think what we have to remember is that Loveshack is visited daily by new people in the initial stages of either breaking up or in coping with a recent breakup. In those initial stages for the hurt to recede, a lack of contact is the only way to go in my opinion. I've been in limited contact for two years and up until I initiated complete no contact a month ago, I wasn't healing. At all.

 

Hi Chinook.

 

I don't disagree with you. I just worry that very strict rules about these things can set the scene for failure, and all the accompanying negative feelings.

 

I'm all for supporting people to avoid having contact with an ex, where feasible, especially in the initial stages. It's just about adopting a bit of balance. If I suggest, for instance, that there are some circumstances in which it's probably not very realistic to maintain zero contact with an ex, someone who's very strongly in the No Contact Under Any Circumstances camp might take umbrage and accuse me of encouraging/colluding with the person in destructive behaviour.

 

To my mind, that's a very all or nothing approach...which is exactly the approach that frequently triggers very addictive behaviour. Think of how some people are constantly in a binge/starvation diet cycle. During the starvation phase, food is such an issue for that person...but more than that, the ability to avoid eating anything gives that person a sense of control over their life. Until they break the starvation phase with trigger food...a chocolate bar or whatever else they're tempted by. Next thing you know, they're in the binge phase - eating anything and everything they can get their hands on.

 

How do you help someone like that? Definitely not by berating them as soon as they eat a chocolate bar. The guilt and self loathing they themselves feel for doing that is part of what's keeping them in that destructive cycle. I think the way you help someone like that is by helping them to identify what areas of their life they don't feel in control of, and what issues food represents for them.

 

In the same way if someone's desperate to have some contact with an ex lover, I believe the best thing is to help them articulate what that contact would mean for them. What needs within them they believe it would fulfil. Then help them to consider other methods of getting those needs met...or managing the unmet needs in the interim. As far as supporting someone in not contacting their ex goes. I'd opt for positive reinforcement...congratulating them on managing a difficult process etc.

 

Where I have the problem is when people have a strong, emotional response towards those who have "slipped up" (whether for circumstantial reasons or in a moment of weakness). This is where I think, on a message board, people's own baggage can start getting in the way...eg where people adopt a punitive or berating approach towards other people who they view as "making the same mistakes that I made".

[magichands]

eg where people adopt a punitive or berating approach towards other people who they view as "making the same mistakes that I made".

Hit the nail on the head, I think!

 

The passion comes from personal experience. The important thing to remember, I humbly offer, is that an open mind is called for - because there are no absolutes.

 

And, despite quoting your last sentence, I did read your post from top to bottom. I am just really captivated by your bottom.

[Chinook]

I completely agree with you. The idea of balance is paramount. For example complete NC doesn't work at all when children are involved. No amount of insisting changes that. Children need parents committed to them and to do that contact is necessary. Like I said earlier, sometimes people have to simply trust their judgement. I think what is hard on LS is that we can't realistically put ourselves in the shoes of the OP. I think it's inevitable on a board like this with something like NC there are always going to be polarised views because of people's experiences. However, the simple fact is, life isn't like that at all. It's not easy to pigeonhole alot of relationships and breakups into certain areas of how to deal or cope with things... when it comes right down to it... the bottom line is, you cope how you cope and deal with issues as they arise.

[Chinook]

I am just really captivated by your bottom.

 

Seen it have you...???

[lindya]

Seen it have you...???

 

Now I know who it was who was making rude comments while I was cycling uphill the other day!

[Chinook]

Oooooh noooooo, didnae mean it like that!!! Just that it was captivating him!!!

[blind_otter]

My personal experience was that I found it far easier to distance myself from a former relationship when I didn't make the idea of contact more exciting by banning it completely.

 

I liken it to AA for alcoholics. Some people can drink or not drink without struggling. Some simply cannot and are powerless in the face of their addiction for whatever reason.

 

It's the same with relationships, IMO. Some people are addictive about the relationship. They crave it, have withdrawal symptoms, can't think about anything else. Grieving over it's loss interfere's with their ability to have a normal life, even, with friends and enjoyable past times.

 

So for those who cannot control themselves, NC is like AA.

 

For someone who hasn't ever experienced the strong pull of an addiction, it's difficult to understand.

[lonelybird]

NC has positive effect as I observed. During NC you can gain your strengh back. It is a ego thing. when an ex want a break-up with you, but you still want to contact them against their wish, then you are just saying "bastard, you are not important, I am so good, and you cannot see it. I will let you see how good I am"

[burning 4 revenge]

Oooooh noooooo, didnae mean it like that!!! Just that it was captivating him!!!

are you from scotland?

[magichands]

are you from scotland?

 

So there really is such a thing as a Scottish accent?! I thought that they were all drunk.

 

I feel like such an idiot now.