What is the healthiest attitude?

[EndoftheRope]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95006/ for a little background.

 

I asked for him to re-direct her to our joint account. He came home last night (Monday) and told me he e-mailed Sunday and cut off all communication with her-- more than I asked for, but of course, I'm happier with that. He received a reply Monday of (according to him) Okay.

 

He has always insisted this was nothing more than a very casual office friendship, yet they have kept in touch for thirteen years via e-mail, and it's been surrounded by deceit and secrecy, and leading me to believe (though never directly telling me) at least twice before now that they were no longer in contact.

 

But he said he has ended it. This time, he spoke directly, looked me in the eye, and had acknowledged Saturday night in our discussion that he could see how this would be called an emotional affair-- all changes from the past. In addition, he has shown great attempts over the last 18 months to make changes in this marriage, to answer the question posed in my other thread about observing actions, rather than listening to words.

 

So I asked him today to forward their exchange of e-mails so that I can see for myself something of her character and the nature of this relationship, in her own words, to show me he really broke it off and give me some idea that it really was what he said. (And remember, he'd promised the counselor to forward ALL personal e-mails from his work account, and we'd gone over that Saturday night, that that meant ALL.)

 

I received the answer that he has already deleted it all.

 

I think I knew without a doubt, when I asked, that I would never see those e-mails.

 

Is it safe to assume this tells me all I really need to know? That he can't show me those e-mails, because they would disprove the story he's told me for so many years?

 

Due to his behavior, I think he really did end it. But he has blown his chance to remove the doubt, once and for all, about what their relationship really was.

 

As long as it's over (and, if it ever was physical, I have no doubt that part has been over for quite a few years), I can forgive whatever it was. But I think I could move forward and go on to a true and deep marriage and commitment only if I could be sure I'd finally been given the truth, one way or the other.

 

As it is, he's left that doubt wide open by his refusal to show me the e-mails. We can move forward, as long as she's out of the picture, but I don't believe it will ever be what it could have been, as long as he can't or won't either confess or prove he's telling the truth, which I would think those last two e-mails (if he's telling the truth) could have done.

 

So what is my healthiest attitude to take at this point? To continue giving him the benefit of the doubt that it was 'just' a friendship (which leaves me always with a niggling doubt and a voice screaming that the stories don't quite jive) or to take the attitude that I know it was more and I know he's lying and I am making a choice to forgive him, nonetheless (which leaves me with a voice still saying, 'but you don't really KNOW....')

 

I'm sorely disappointed with our last counselor, who's best advice seems to be, "You think there's a problem, he denies it, can you just act as if everything is okay?" I am thinking of trying another counselor, just for myself, to work through some of this, but would like to have any advice from those who have been there, until I find a counselor again. I'm daunted by that task.

 

Thanks, as always, for the help.