commintment =fear

[Crystal]

hi, i'm trying real hard to find a way to put what i'm feeling into words. i am very sensitive and i get hurt too easily sometimes. my guy of 4 yrs has proposed to me dec. 23rd, and i said "YES"!

 

i was very estatic and so happy and surprised all at the same time it just was not expected.

 

now mind you, we've had a rocky sorta past and he tends to be moody and jekyl and hydish as welll and that is where the sensitive part comes in.

 

we've been really close since then and before that as well but with out the pressure of work and what not's he has been so sweet and loving.

 

so the problem is, today i seen part of hype coming back, and he has an arrogant aire sometimes that is quite annoying and i hate it.

 

so, when hyde came out today, i almost cried, i felt so hurt, i felt betrayed in a way. now i know that the "honeymoon" can't last forever and it wont, but i just don't know if i'm making the right decision, and i will never get married until i feel in my head and my heart that is what i want. that dispite jekyl and or hyde that i can't love him and be with him, take the good with the bad.

 

i just hate feeling so sensitive, so put out, so hurt, by his words. they are not really directed at me, its more the tone of his voice, it's like sarcastic, impatient, unkind.

 

i dunno know what to do, i'm sitting here thinking of giving the ring back and just leaving town, but i hate to think of some other women later on getting all the love that he gives me, living in my house with him, doing the holiday things with his family, and him loving her like he use to lose me.

 

i know, i know, that is tough dookie, that is what happens when people split up and move on and maybe one day i wll have all that with someone who isn't jekyl and hyde.

 

but for the present moment, who really thinks like that? when your heart is hurting you don't go around thinking "maybe's".

 

so i just feel lost and mind you, i did not have these feelings minutes before his hyde personality came out, right before then things were just fine.

 

does this make me unstable?

 

i'm really scared to get married and i feel part of it is intrapment, that i wont ever be able to just walk away from him or hyde if i wanted to cause i don't want to get married then divorced later, i want it to be forever.

 

i'm confused, anybody have any insight as to what is going on here? this is not new behavior for him, this is the same ole him. maybe i just got spoiled from the way he was being so sweet and steady that when he went back to his cranky old self, it seemed worse then before?

 

help! please!

[Tony T]

First, I don't think you are ready to get married.

 

Second, I don't think you will ever be ready to be married to the man you are engaged to.

 

The reason is that when you are ready to get married and you become engaged, if you are sane you have absolutely no doubt that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your days on this planet with. There are no reservations...there is no thinking about it. You are not even near this kind of place emotionally.

 

When you finally find the man of your dreams, he will be sensitive to you, he will act and talk kindly and lovingly toward you, and you won't be wondering if he's the right person to marry.

 

Big fricken deal, so this Jekyl and Hide jerk eventually marries somebody else. Let them be miserable. You act as if this guy is the only one in the world. Dating is for the purpose of meeting someone with whom you feel comfortable, loving, secure, stable and with whom you feel you desire to share your life with. You do not feel this way about this guy even though you think you love him. It takes a great deal more than being in love to make a happy couple in marriage. People who once loved each other more than life itself get divorced every day...and they didn't even have the kinds of doubts you have when they were engaged.

 

If you don't stand up for yourself and demand respect and consideration from this guy or anybody else, you are headed for the most miserable life on this planet. Talk to him and tell him unless he can fix himself up real fast and STAY in line for a long period of time, you want out of this engagement and out of the relationship. The chances of him changing are nil. If I had a penny for every woman who wanted to change a man or woman who wanted a man to change in some way, I'd be a billionaire....no, a MULTI-billionaire.

 

Go find a guy you can be happy with, one who helps you feel good most of the time, one who is stable emotionally, one who is even tempered, one you can accept EXACTLY as he is without changing him and one you can love without any reservation at all. They are out there.

 

And why haven't you busted up with this guy long before now? It seems very clear that unless he changes in some very significant ways he could make you sad and miserable all the days of your life. Is that what you want in a mate???

 

I'll tell you one thing, if you think he's bad now...just wait until after you leave the church. Stuff like this is always worse once the "I do's" are over.

 

Happy Holidays!

[Crystal]

thank you for the advice: i wanted to add that i think alot of it is that i'm too sensitive. i see people, couples, bicker and they don't blink an eye about it.

 

my guy can say something with an impatient tone of voice and i take it extremely to heart. it literallys make's me hurt inside. my heart loves him to death, but my head just isn't sure what is going on when i feel this way.

 

am i mistaking his anger, or words, or tone of voice for a lack of love? i just dunno, i just know that i get really hurt by this, but most of the time he is not like this, and i hate the thought of throwing away our relationship on something that can maybe be fixed since this is the biggest problem i have with him, his mom agrees that he has to do something about his temper, but what?

 

he's not a bad person or anything near that, he's never been abusive, he takes care of things, he accepts my children into his life, my family likes him, his family likes me and the list could go on and on.

 

if he was not this moody sort, i'd never think of leaving him, and i have thought about letting some other woman have the hassles of this, but then the good side of him is what i'd miss and i would hate to see some other woman have that with him, she can have the bad, but not the good.

 

maybe i'm making it sound worse then it is, believe me i'm not making excuses for his behavior, but i'm trying to sort out my feelings, if they are legitimate or just too sensitive? that is hard to tell, i know i love him in my heart, but i've had problems with many a guys with commitment and this same ole fear as well. any other suggestions?

hi, i'm trying real hard to find a way to put what i'm feeling into words. i am very sensitive and i get hurt too easily sometimes. my guy of 4 yrs has proposed to me dec. 23rd, and i said "YES"! i was very estatic and so happy and surprised all at the same time it just was not expected.

 

now mind you, we've had a rocky sorta past and he tends to be moody and jekyl and hydish as welll and that is where the sensitive part comes in. we've been really close since then and before that as well but with out the pressure of work and what not's he has been so sweet and loving.

 

so the problem is, today i seen part of hype coming back, and he has an arrogant aire sometimes that is quite annoying and i hate it. so, when hyde came out today, i almost cried, i felt so hurt, i felt betrayed in a way. now i know that the "honeymoon" can't last forever and it wont, but i just don't know if i'm making the right decision, and i will never get married until i feel in my head and my heart that is what i want. that dispite jekyl and or hyde that i can't love him and be with him, take the good with the bad. i just hate feeling so sensitive, so put out, so hurt, by his words. they are not really directed at me, its more the tone of his voice, it's like sarcastic, impatient, unkind. i dunno know what to do, i'm sitting here thinking of giving the ring back and just leaving town, but i hate to think of some other women later on getting all the love that he gives me, living in my house with him, doing the holiday things with his family, and him loving her like he use to lose me. i know, i know, that is tough dookie, that is what happens when people split up and move on and maybe one day i wll have all that with someone who isn't jekyl and hyde. but for the present moment, who really thinks like that? when your heart is hurting you don't go around thinking "maybe's". so i just feel lost and mind you, i did not have these feelings minutes before his hyde personality came out, right before then things were just fine.

 

does this make me unstable? i'm really scared to get married and i feel part of it is intrapment, that i wont ever be able to just walk away from him or hyde if i wanted to cause i don't want to get married then divorced later, i want it to be forever. i'm confused, anybody have any insight as to what is going on here? this is not new behavior for him, this is the same ole him. maybe i just got spoiled from the way he was being so sweet and steady that when he went back to his cranky old self, it seemed worse then before? help! please!

[Lori]

listen, i understand what you're saying, but everyone has their own faults. there is no such a thing as a perfect person so if that's what you're looking for, then your out of luck. sometimes, you just need to face reality and compromise a little. ask yourself, does he love you? is he a good person? do you think he will be a good husband and father? if the answer to those is yes, then i don't understand what the problem is. you said you'v been with this guy for four years, so you must know him better than any of us, so i can't really tell you if you should marry this guy or not, that is a decision that only you can make. but just remember that no one, not even yourself is perfect, so please don't just think with your heart but with your head too.

[Lilly]

"His mom agrees that he has to do something about his temper". Is SHE too sensitive? I doubt it. A temper is a temper is a temper. It hurts you, his Mum sees it as a problem, my guess is others do as well.

 

Lori's right, no one's perfect, everyone has their shortcoming's and human frailties. Of couse he's not always moody and bad tempered but when he is, he is. The trick is to be able to decide if that shortcoming is something you can accept, right here, right now. The trick is to be able to tell the difference between a shortcoming that is acceptable and livable and an imperfection that compromises your whole being (eg, the difference between someone who has a habit of always being late and someone who has a habit of blowing up at you). Personally, someone who doesn't always show up on time wouldn't affect my personality that much, even long-term, but someone who's consistently moody, angry and verbally abusive toward me long-term would eat at my self-esteem and self-worth.

 

That part of him wont change, wont be "fixed" unless he firstly recognises and admits to himself he has a problem (bit like an alcoholic I guess), then wants to change, then puts in a lot of work and effort. Think of it this way for example... can you "fix" being sensitive?, can you change that part of you?, how much work would that involve?. You've been sensitive your whole life... chances are you always be. Chances are he'll always be moody and bad tempered.

 

By the way, even in anger when someone loves you, respect should be present. Anger is NO excuse to let rip towards someone they love. Can you accept and live with this part of him for the rest of your life? (and not go into la-la land thinking 'oh, this is something that can be fixed'). You need to ask yourself the question what affect will this part of him have on me 3/5/10/20 years from now. Whilst you're thinking about that future realise that consistent moodiness and verbal abuse is one step away from physical abuse.