Commitment?

[Rachel]

Hi. I have been dating a terrific wonderful person for about 7 months. We have both told eachother that we are "crazy" for eachother. However, neither has used the "L" word. I DO love him, but feel like he should say it first. I am afraid of saying it and not hearing it back.

 

He has told me that he is trying to "tune" into his feelings....I don't want to pressure him.

 

Here's the question:

 

How long should you give a relationship if that person doesn't know if they love you? I don't want to be in a relationship even though I love him, if he doesn't love me back. If 8 months good, or 1 year?

 

We get along really really well. Also, we are going on a long trip the end of January, and we have been spending more and more time together, which we both seem to enjoy.

 

His last relationship lasted 4 years. He told me he feels like a lot of people got hurt and he doesn't want to date anyone for that long again, unless there's a future, because he wants to settle down.

 

He said because of that, he feels like he is pressuring himself to try and figure out if I am the "one"...quicker than maybe he would have otherwise.

 

So, if he doesn't know how he feels about me, how long is a "reasonable" time?

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

Anybody can say "I love you." If he loves you now, you should be able to feel it. If you don't, then he's not there yet. His actions should show it. If his actions don't show signs of love, perhaps he just isn't there yet. Pay attention.

 

I think you're a lot better off with someone who takes his time to develop a strong love with a good foundation than some booboo who utters those words in a very short time.

 

You've been going out for seven months now...give it five more months. If he doesn't tell you he has those feelings for you by then, ask him exactly how he feels.

 

You just can't put a timetable on stuff like this but maybe you just need a guy who's more desperate, more needy or quicker on the trigger than this one. I'd say if he doesn't have some loving feelings for you within a year of meeting you, it's not going to happen.

 

I'd be willing to bet big money he's already in love with you but just scared as hell to admit it. I promise you, he's not going to let you go over a few little words he needs to pronounce in front of you.

 

Remember the old saying: "That which is built in a day lasts just as long. That which is built over a period of time can last a lifetime." This applies to almost everything in life, including love.

[Rachel]

Hey Tony, thanks as always, by the way, Merry Christmas!

 

Do you think if the opportunity arises, that I can ask him what his thoughts are on reasonable timeframes in general?

 

Also, do you think if I tell him I love him, that he will feel pressured ?

 

How can you tell if a guy is commitment phobic anyway?

 

So far, I have had NO signs that he is, other than his past 4 year relationship.

 

The ex's girlfriends(two of them who are aquaintances, at best), have made snide remarks to me, such as: make sure he doesn't break your heart.... he always dates the nices girls, then breaks their hearts.... but its not like he has a LONG list of girlfriends. Just the past one, and one before that was a 2 year relationship.

 

He's told me he doesn't want to make the mistake of the past, and date someone for too long if its not going somewhere, and he is aware of what MY goals are(finding someone to love and be a friend too).