Caught By the Heart

[Tinamarie]

I am a almost 30 year old black female, who has not been in a relationship in a long time. I decided I needed a break because I always end up hurt. Plus I have a daughter whom just turn 3 and did not want to bring men in and out of her life.

 

My daughter was away for the summer visiting my mother who stays in another state. So I thought I would try to get out and meet new people. Since my daughter has been gone since May, even my mother was like get out. Do something stop staying in. So I finally got out and about. I am not an ugly woman and I do get asked out but I just did not go for one reason or another.

 

In July, I called a relationship telephone line. I talked to guys but would not meet anyone in person. There was a guy I met who made me laugh. I would call and ask him what was a good dance club or just to talk. We will joke, talk about movies, and about each others lives. He said he has met serveral people off the line but nothing came of it. I told him I talked to guys but have not met anyone in person. I talked to him for about a week when he decided that we should meet. He wanted to read some short stories that I wrote. Well we agreed to meet for ice cream.

 

He was a very attractive white man. Tall, my age, about to also be 30, and he was funny. We had ice cream talk and went our seperate ways. We did not make any farther plans but we talked on the phone a couple of days later. He did tell me that he was in a 9 year relationship that ended 5 months ago and he was currently staying with his sister. I did not think anything of it but did tell him to see if he could work out the relationship. Well not to long after the ice cream date, he asked me out for dinner. From there we was always going out and doing things together. I have did more with him than I have done with any man I have known. He treats me like I am the only person on the earth. When I am with him I feel like I am flying. He took me everywhere and than some. We was always together. And he thinks I am the most sweet but strong, funny but smartest person that he has every met. He told me so many times it was easy to treat me good and has never treated anybody else like he has treated me.

 

Well it was time for me to go get my daughter in September. I was leaving the weekend of the 7th. That Thursday after we were together the night before, he tells me he has spoken with his ex and they were going to get back together next year but he did not know when but he wanted to continue to spend time with me. He said he was going to maybe marry her because that is what she wants. She said she was 32 years old and waited on him for 9 years. She has some family here but she is from Africa and believes his family is hers. I also found out not to long before that, the sister he was staying with was her sister and that all the nephews he has been referring to, are her nephews. They consider each other as family already and that they had a Muslim cermony about 3 years a go that was like a marriage to keep her parents in Africa happy but they were not really married by law. He has said that he will break up with her serveral times in the years he has been with her but always go back after a time. She would always wait for him, even now. He says that he really likes me and cares for me but he feels obligated to her and her family. So we stop seeing each other.

 

I really liked the guy and thought we clicked well and should have been together. I got on with my life and stop calling, emailing and tied to fade him out of my mind. About a month later, I found his sun glasses in my car. I gave him a call. I told him I could drop them off or just trash him. But he acted as if he really wanted the glasses and wanted to come get them. I let him come get them and things started back up between us. It was like there was never a month of us being apart.

 

We have the problem of me worrying about the girl. See not only do she want them to be toghter but her family and his mother also want them together. He did move out from his "sister house" but now lives with a room mate who is her nephew. I have been to the place a couple of times but always feel nerves about being there. I always think I am intruding on a relationship or stopping it from getting back together. He said it was not a good idea for me to meet his family because he will be with her in the long run. Yes, he still says he is going back to her. His father, real sister and brother in law, including his room mate (even thought I have not met him) knows about me. I know his father and brother in law because he let them speak to me on the phone. His sister, brother in law and father both want to meet me but he thinks what is the point. In other words why meet me when I am not the one he will be with. I have met his step brother. He wanted me to meet his mother one time and she refused because she likes the ex alot and want them to be together. She invites the ex to Thanksgiving and to Christmas dinner and had him pick her up. He said because she has no one here and his mother thinks she is family and want them together. I have no one here either but will never be invited over. The ex is always at his mothers place and even opens his mail before he see it. It hurts me that his mother is like that because she has never met me.

 

He tells me not to worry that he still has time to be with me and not ready to be with her. He enjoys every minute we spend together. The ex does not know about me. And after both of those holidays he spent the remaining of the day with me. He said at Thanksgiving he did reassure her he was coming back but that he did not have to do that for her on Christmas because she already knows he is coming back. December has been a hard month for us. He had his birthday, her birthday and Christmas. He spent his birthday with me and did not spend her birthday with her. At least that is what he said but I did not hear from him that day. He still spends alot of time with me and loves my daughter to death. He lets me know that he did not mean to care for me so much or to get this close to me. That he consider me to be his girlfriend but want me to know that he is going back to her for one last try. That he has learn alot about how he should treat her because he has never treated her like he has me. He is still learning from me and when he has learned how to be with her he will go back. He said he has never been this long away from her. That he did not set out to hurt me. He says he don't even know if he see her as a friend, a girlfriend or a sister. He says the feeling may not be there but because he feels in debt to her and I am a strong person he will go back to her because he knows I will be alright. No matter how much I tell him that this is killing me. Also because we have not been together long it will be easier to leave me.

 

I have talked to my mother about this including serveral other people. My friends says flat out to leave him alone no matter how I feel. My mom and serveral other people say wait it out because he is still there for a reason and he is trying to decide. In my mind I know I should leave. In my heart I want to see what will happen and what he is hanging around for. My birthday is in February and he has already said he will still be here for that. I just don't know how long he will be here and it kills me and I can't stop asking question about the girl and well about everything. Because it hurts and makes me mad. I feel like the mistress. I just want him to see I am standing there.

 

Please anyone respond and tell me what you think or what you think I should do.

 

Thanks

[Crystal]

personally i would say LEEEEEAVE HIIIIIM NOOOOOOW!!!!

 

the guy has a lot of balls to lead you on indirectly and if you are dumb enough to stick around and be hurt like this, then maybe that is what you want.

 

sorry don't mean to be so rude, but it burns me that the guy can hang around with you to learn how to treat his girlfriend? what is in this for you? don't you feel slightly used? why? why? why? are you putting your self through this pain?

 

i would leave him then let him go back to the other woman and you should just go on with your life and if it don't work out with him and his ex, and you don't sit around and wait for him, then maybe he could come back to you with a clean conscious from trying again with her.

 

that's all i gotta say on this subject, i'm sure someone else will come along and say something similar i'd be shocked if they don't.

 

the board has been very slow all day, seems i'm about the only one with nothing left to do after xmas, but visit the board and instant message my family.

 

good luck and warm wishes.

I am a almost 30 year old black female, who has not been in a relationship in a long time. I decided I needed a break because I always end up hurt. Plus I have a daughter whom just turn 3 and did not want to bring men in and out of her life. My daughter was away for the summer visiting my mother who stays in another state. So I thought I would try to get out and meet new people. Since my daughter has been gone since May, even my mother was like get out. Do something stop staying in. So I finally got out and about. I am not an ugly woman and I do get asked out but I just did not go for one reason or another. In July, I called a relationship telephone line. I talked to guys but would not meet anyone in person. There was a guy I met who made me laugh. I would call and ask him what was a good dance club or just to talk. We will joke, talk about movies, and about each others lives. He said he has met serveral people off the line but nothing came of it. I told him I talked to guys but have not met anyone in person. I talked to him for about a week when he decided that we should meet. He wanted to read some short stories that I wrote. Well we agreed to meet for ice cream. He was a very attractive white man. Tall, my age, about to also be 30, and he was funny. We had ice cream talk and went our seperate ways. We did not make any farther plans but we talked on the phone a couple of days later. He did tell me that he was in a 9 year relationship that ended 5 months ago and he was currently staying with his sister. I did not think anything of it but did tell him to see if he could work out the relationship. Well not to long after the ice cream date, he asked me out for dinner. From there we was always going out and doing things together. I have did more with him than I have done with any man I have known. He treats me like I am the only person on the earth. When I am with him I feel like I am flying. He took me everywhere and than some. We was always together. And he thinks I am the most sweet but strong, funny but smartest person that he has every met. He told me so many times it was easy to treat me good and has never treated anybody else like he has treated me. Well it was time for me to go get my daughter in September. I was leaving the weekend of the 7th. That Thursday after we were together the night before, he tells me he has spoken with his ex and they were going to get back together next year but he did not know when but he wanted to continue to spend time with me. He said he was going to maybe marry her because that is what she wants. She said she was 32 years old and waited on him for 9 years. She has some family here but she is from Africa and believes his family is hers. I also found out not to long before that, the sister he was staying with was her sister and that all the nephews he has been referring to, are her nephews. They consider each other as family already and that they had a Muslim cermony about 3 years a go that was like a marriage to keep her parents in Africa happy but they were not really married by law. He has said that he will break up with her serveral times in the years he has been with her but always go back after a time. She would always wait for him, even now. He says that he really likes me and cares for me but he feels obligated to her and her family. So we stop seeing each other. I really liked the guy and thought we clicked well and should have been together. I got on with my life and stop calling, emailing and tied to fade him out of my mind. About a month later, I found his sun glasses in my car. I gave him a call. I told him I could drop them off or just trash him. But he acted as if he really wanted the glasses and wanted to come get them. I let him come get them and things started back up between us. It was like there was never a month of us being apart. We have the problem of me worrying about the girl. See not only do she want them to be toghter but her family and his mother also want them together. He did move out from his "sister house" but now lives with a room mate who is her nephew. I have been to the place a couple of times but always feel nerves about being there. I always think I am intruding on a relationship or stopping it from getting back together. He said it was not a good idea for me to meet his family because he will be with her in the long run. Yes, he still says he is going back to her. His father, real sister and brother in law, including his room mate (even thought I have not met him) knows about me. I know his father and brother in law because he let them speak to me on the phone. His sister, brother in law and father both want to meet me but he thinks what is the point. In other words why meet me when I am not the one he will be with. I have met his step brother. He wanted me to meet his mother one time and she refused because she likes the ex alot and want them to be together. She invites the ex to Thanksgiving and to Christmas dinner and had him pick her up. He said because she has no one here and his mother thinks she is family and want them together. I have no one here either but will never be invited over. The ex is always at his mothers place and even opens his mail before he see it. It hurts me that his mother is like that because she has never met me. He tells me not to worry that he still has time to be with me and not ready to be with her. He enjoys every minute we spend together. The ex does not know about me. And after both of those holidays he spent the remaining of the day with me. He said at Thanksgiving he did reassure her he was coming back but that he did not have to do that for her on Christmas because she already knows he is coming back. December has been a hard month for us. He had his birthday, her birthday and Christmas. He spent his birthday with me and did not spend her birthday with her. At least that is what he said but I did not hear from him that day. He still spends alot of time with me and loves my daughter to death. He lets me know that he did not mean to care for me so much or to get this close to me. That he consider me to be his girlfriend but want me to know that he is going back to her for one last try. That he has learn alot about how he should treat her because he has never treated her like he has me. He is still learning from me and when he has learned how to be with her he will go back. He said he has never been this long away from her. That he did not set out to hurt me. He says he don't even know if he see her as a friend, a girlfriend or a sister. He says the feeling may not be there but because he feels in debt to her and I am a strong person he will go back to her because he knows I will be alright. No matter how much I tell him that this is killing me. Also because we have not been together long it will be easier to leave me. I have talked to my mother about this including serveral other people. My friends says flat out to leave him alone no matter how I feel. My mom and serveral other people say wait it out because he is still there for a reason and he is trying to decide. In my mind I know I should leave. In my heart I want to see what will happen and what he is hanging around for. My birthday is in February and he has already said he will still be here for that. I just don't know how long he will be here and it kills me and I can't stop asking question about the girl and well about everything. Because it hurts and makes me mad. I feel like the mistress. I just want him to see I am standing there. Please anyone respond and tell me what you think or what you think I should do. Thanks

[Tinamarie]

Thanks for your reply Crystal.

 

I just found out that he had ordered something for me from a catalog I had. He picked out the item and ordered for me over the phone while I was sitting next to him. He kept looking at this dress in the catalog and I asked him why. He said because he liked it. Well one day he told me to get 5 dollars from his wallet. In his wallet was the phone number to the catolog and the dress order number and price of the dress. I asked him the next day who was he buying the dress for. He lied at first and said no one. I told him that I say the the stuff in his wallet and he finally said he was ordering it for her birthday. I called the company and they said my order was cancelled the same time that the other order was place. He diened that he cancelled my order. He blamed it on the company and than on the girl. I have falling for him but I can't take it anymore.

personally i would say LEEEEEAVE HIIIIIM NOOOOOOW!!!! the guy has a lot of balls to lead you on indirectly and if you are dumb enough to stick around and be hurt like this, then maybe that is what you want. sorry don't mean to be so rude, but it burns me that the guy can hang around with you to learn how to treat his girlfriend? what is in this for you? don't you feel slightly used? why? why? why? are you putting your self through this pain? i would leave him then let him go back to the other woman and you should just go on with your life and if it don't work out with him and his ex, and you don't sit around and wait for him, then maybe he could come back to you with a clean conscious from trying again with her.

 

that's all i gotta say on this subject, i'm sure someone else will come along and say something similar i'd be shocked if they don't. the board has been very slow all day, seems i'm about the only one with nothing left to do after xmas, but visit the board and instant message my family. good luck and warm wishes.