Is she cheating?

[Dav3]

Hey guys and gals!

 

Well first of all, I'll give you people a little bit of a history between my girlfriend and I.

 

We have been together for over 3 and a half years. Since day 1 with being with her, i have never been so happy, and i have never ever felt the way i feel about her with anyone else. We do not live together as we are still studying and wouldn't be able to afford it, as much as we would love to. At the end of this year, we will be definatly moving in together as I will have finished my UNI course, and start working.

 

Throughout our relationship we really havent had anything bad come between us, the only major thing, and the whole reason of this post, is that i have a major jealousy issue.

 

For the last month or so, my girlfriend as become very attached with a guy at her uni. Most of our relationship has been just us, and we never really went out with friends. We would go out every now and then... She now wants to get out there and make friends. But i dont know how to take this... Just that it happened so suddenly. I want her to, but does it ahve to be with the opposite sex. I know that shouldnt matter, but it just makes me feel sooooo angry!

 

I do not, in no way, want or put any restrictions on who my girlfriend should go out with, make friends and what not. We both have different views about this. So i really wanna work on what i should do about this.

 

She is constanlty msg'in him, talking about him, and wanting to go out with him. I trust my girlfriend alot, but now this is starting to wear off. We have talked about this alot, and shes says she just wants to start making friends again. I fully understand, but i feel like she is gettin to close.. Shes knows how i feel and how important this relationship is too me. I have meet this guys twice, and he does seeem to be really nice to her and too me. But i feel very envious of him.

 

I hate it when i call her or she calls me, and shes is very snappy and stuff. But when she talks about him or is around him, shes so happy!! And that really bugs me, i feel kinda 2nd place now. She knows this, and shes says she cant help it that they just click so well.

 

I just want some advice about this.. should i not worry about this?? how do i get over my jealousy??

 

I always think that a good friendship could easily turn into feelings.

[Bryanp]

Huge red flags. She tells you she cannot help it because they click so well together? What does that tell you?

If the roles were reversed do you think your girlfriend would put up with such action from you toward another woman?

[Dav3]

Huge red flags. She tells you she cannot help it because they click so well together? What does that tell you?

If the roles were reversed do you think your girlfriend would put up with such action from you toward another woman?

 

Thats exactly what i say, "What if u were in my shoes" she says she understands and that she would be cut. But shes says she doesnt wanna have no friends or lose the ones shes got. Ill add its just not this guy shes friends with. There is a group of about 5. 2 guys 3 girls. But she does seem to be more friends with him.

 

What can i do?

[Bryanp]

It is called establishing boundaries. If the roles were reversed, your girlfriend said she would be cut so I doubt she would then say but continue to be friends and hang out with the girl you are really hot for and click so well with. She is disrespecting you and your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[john2776]

I doubt she is cheating. But she is putting herself into a postion where it could happen, because she has already developed feelings for him and they are going to continue to grow. That 'click' word always rings alarm bells for me. My GF used it to describe her male friendships and I wasn't sure what to make of it, because some people are strong enough to know their own limits and I trusted her to be able to. But later when I discovered that her limits are easily crossed I had to make it clear that when there is serious clicking going on with a guy then its time to back off. My GF accepted this and totally agreed with it. Talk to yours and sort it out because it does need to be addressed.

[Dav3]

I doubt she is cheating. But she is putting herself into a postion where it could happen, because she has already developed feelings for him and they are going to continue to grow. That 'click' word always rings alarm bells for me. My GF used it to describe her male friendships and I wasn't sure what to make of it, because some people are strong enough to know their own limits and I trusted her to be able to. But later when I discovered that her limits are easily crossed I had to make it clear that when there is serious clicking going on with a guy then its time to back off. My GF accepted this and totally agreed with it. Talk to yours and sort it out because it does need to be addressed.

 

I doubt that she is cheating too... she just makes it hard to believe so. I have told her that her feelings for him could change...

 

To him, i dont exist really, the way i see it, if she makes a move... his in, his not gonna worry about sh*t about me. As long as he gets her it doesnt matter. Why the f**k do other guys do that?! He knows that her and i are together, so why the **** doesnt he just backoff. And if i were to say something, then my GF would crack it. She does tell me tho that she could never see them together.. and that she is not attracted to him in anyway. Shes says its just a friendship. She is not attracted to him sexually or in any kind of relationship way besides friendship. And its really hard to me to understand all this.. and that its nothing more then friends.

 

Man this the shoe was on the other foot... i could not do this at all. I feel wrong just huging another girl to say hello or something. There is no way i could make a friendship like she has with him... to me that kinda seems like cheating in a very minimal way... its like.. why are u with me, if u rather have fun with him kinda thing... i dunno... maybe my self-esteem is too low, maybe i look too into things... what do some of the girls here think??

 

Is this normal behaviour from a girl?

 

It just seems so hard for us to make a decision here that we both agree on.

[Walk]

My perspective:

 

She's seriously close to crossing a line you can't uncross. She's becoming snappy with you, yet happy with him. She is justifying her relatioship with this guy even though she admitted that she would be hurt if you did the same to her. And she is still involved with him, even after she understood that you are hurt by it.

 

Bad signs.

 

Not sure what would work though. I think if I were in your shoes I would just be blunt about it. That I felt she was crossing the line with this friend. That it was causing me pain and stress. And that I would Never do the same to her if the roles were reversed. Then I would explain that if she continues to cross the line, that I would be leaving. That I respected myself too much too allow her to disrespect me so blatantly.

 

I wouldn't say she couldnt' see the guy, I would word it so that she understands she's free to do exactly as she pleases. I would simple explain the consequences of her actions, and the course of action I WILL take if things continue down the path they are headed.

 

No arguing about it. No emotional pleas for her to change. Point blank, This is how I feel, this is what I see, this is how I will respond should it continue. Don't beg, don't give passionate sonats of your undying love. Be a little distant. Pull back from her some, emotionally. Create just a tiny gap in the relationship so that she realizes that you will yank away her safety blanket if she does follow the path she's on. (Probably not humane, but I honestly think it would cause her to re-evaluate what is truly important to her.)

 

I'll be honest with you, that's exactly how my affair started. He was just a friend. No I dind't have sexual attraction to him. No I'd never want to date him. Oh, and he annoyed me at times.... more I spent time with him, the more I liked him. We "clicked". Then I cheated... Lied to my partner the entire time about how I felt about the guy. Convinced him there was nothing to worry about. We were just friends.. etc. etc. Yeah.. REALLY good friends who slept together.

 

If something doesn't change... your relationship could probably be over soon anyway.

[lovelorcet]

Walk you hit the nail right on the head and I hope the OP has read it. You need to draw the line now and back way off. Let her know you are ready to walk away if she is not going to respect you. You have to realize that the ball is really in her court and there is not much you can do. She is going to have to decied what she wants and if you try and force her it will only backfire. Get yourself prepared to walk away so if you really need to you are ready to follow through.

 

I am so sorry to be so blunt and I have been where you are before and I know it sucks. Just remember the tighter you squeeze the more she will slip through your fingers....

[jessssss]

great points! that's exactly how my affair started as well, met a guy in a new group of friends...we hit it of, joking, just got along great...started hanging out more-he would irritate me but something drew me back to him...we had "that click" my ex just went on like nothing was wrong even though i spent more time hanging out with this guy more than i did my ex.

i think if my ex would have stepped in it wouldn't have gotten as far as it did. you can't be too nice when it comes to something like this. be totally blunt with her. you deserve respect and do it before it's too late.

 

there is still hope, not saying she has cheated or actually will, just be aware.

 

good luck.

[Dav3]

Thanks.

 

Everything u have all said.. i have thought about.. yeah maybe i just should become blunt about it. As much as i hate this though.. i dont wont to leave her, i wanna work this out! Im just gonna have to stand up on my on feet, and stick up for what i believe.

 

I love her so much

[Kathleen2260]

I don't think your gf is cheating on your or even has thought about cheating on you...yet. See I have two perspectives on this- the first is that I have a very close guy friend (I've known him for ten years though we did not just meet like your gf and the guy) who I am extremely close to. We always have a great time together, we never fight, everyone says that I "just light up" when I talk about him and people say the same thing about him talking about me. We have a great friendship and I love talking to him and hanging out with him. I also have a boyfriend (who is also friends with this guy) I am not sexually attracted to my guy friend at ALL. I have no intentions of ever dating him and I'm not interested in him as anythign other than a friend. Though we've flirted at times and given eachother compliment our relationship is more like a brother/sister type thing as neither of us has NO interest in dating the other. So I can see how your gf could be friends with this guy and not cross any lines.

 

However, my other perpective is I think she is very close to having an emotional affair with this guy. From what you say, this guy brings a lot of happiness to her and has replaced you in some ways (emotional support) and also she may be close to crossing some boundaries and not even realize it. Also I know from experience. My bf had an emotional affair wtih an ex gf of his that he swore they were "just friends". He always talked about her all the time, they talked on the phone a lot, and yes, she was nice to me to make it seem like nothing was going on. He started spending time with her behind my back and lying about it. I dont' think your girlfriend has reached that point yet, Her intentions may be honorable but his may not be. I agree with the others, I would sit down and talk with her and explain your boundaries and then give her the freedom to keep being friends with this guy but dont' let her neglect your relationship.

[Walk]

Just a warning. Don't cross that line from "I love you and want to be with you" to "Please don't leave me.. I'll die with out you here..."

 

Be really careful when expressing your love and desire to stay with her. I lost respect for my ex because he didn't respect himself. He was so worried about losing me. If he'd had more respect for himself, maybe I would've respected him more. If he hadn't begged so hard, guilted me into staying, tried so hard to hold me there, I might not have become so desperate to leave.

 

Just be careful of acting this way. Its normal to attempt to hold on to something rather then to let it go... but you have to. Step back and let her miss you some, don't be gone.. or unavailable. Just don't chase. Have faith in who you are, and respect yourself. If you see yourself that way, she will see you that way. Stand up for what you believe is right, and for what you deserve. You aren't asking for much.. only the respect that you already give freely to her.

 

And for the next few weeks.. make it your goal to just have fun. If she wants to join you, let her. If she doesn't, then go have fun on your own. Tell her the fun you had. That's part of what attracks people for the first time.. they see someone who has a life, who has fun, who has passion about life... and they want to share in that passion. I think that's part of what may be attracking her to this friend. The fun, excitment, and life that he has. Be that person you were when she first fell in love with you. The fun exciting guy who had a life outside of her.

 

Fake it if you have to.