at it again...trust issue

[CrushedOrgans]

okay, so i posted last time about finding my fiance looking at stripping ladies online. most people went "don't do it!" when i said i was going to make a stripping video to get back at him.

 

in any case, i have some new questions, at least, i think they are new.

 

i'll try to make this short and sweet, as i have a tendency to go "blah blah blah." i'll start at the beginning and get to now at the end.

 

i find link to stripping lady in a logged IM chat convo (didn't see all conversations, only looked at like, 2 of them. (this wouldn't be a problem, except he lied and said he doesn't look at talk about females that way)

 

tell him about it, we talk back and forth for about a week about it, me not happy, him frustrated, but still not very convincing

 

he says he doesn't usually look at those things anyway. then i find a ton of bookmarks with links to things like do you want my bum.com and likemynudebody, and a hot or not folder. he says they're all old and he never looks, and he will delete them. i say i don't believe he will, so don't insult me. few days later they're still there. i bitch. he deletes.

 

i look again, all IM conversations are gone, and the log is disabled

 

i tell him i think this is shady, he says he was planning on getting rid of the logs anyway, because he has no reason to keep his conversations logged

 

also says he was nervous i would see anything at all and take it out of context, considering i was already angry and would be paying more close attention. makes sense, a little. so okay.

 

he doesn't open his phone bill, usually because he pays it online. i went to pay it and surprise him (also so i could look at the bill) and i see texts to his friend (who i know is a guy, i know the number) but they are between 9pm and 3am like every 3 minutes on a weekend i was away...it's his friend but that's still odd. why not just call? and i think he was out that night, anyway...so what's with all the texting.

 

lately he's been deleting all history from all browsers

 

i just looked at his computer now and he's logged onto it from work, so i can't access it, not really all that unusual

 

his friends have myspaces (he showed me one, i found the others through that one friend) and there are a lot of comments from his friends to each other saying things like "let's go out to this bar (a slutty bar i don't like) this weekend" and "hey, we should all hang out again at tom's house, even though i was the only one to get in the pool with melissa!" and they're all about weekends he was out with them.

 

he says he goes over to tom's and plays poker, and that it's only him, and like 3 of his guy friends and the one guy's girlfriend who lives there. so who is this melissa? and what pool?

 

now, i know i can let my imagination run wild sometimes. i was all ready to post my own nude body for revenge, so yes i can go a bit overboard.

 

but really...doesn't this kind of stuff usually all add up to something? or is he right, i will find anything in anything to find what i am looking for and make it into what i believe? or is it also just convenient that he can play the "you're making more of it than it is" card?

 

 

trust me, i know i am not perfect. i never should have looked at his stuff in the first place, but since i did and i found something, it triggered me. and now i don't know what to do or what to believe.

 

i feel like some of you will say i am being ridiculous, and maybe i am, but at the same time, if i were reading this as a post from someone else, i would totally think "something is up."

 

so...any advice? cause i am a total loss, anything at this point will help.

[CrushedOrgans]

oh, i guess i should also add, before i have to, that it isn't porn issue, it's a trust and lying issue.

 

i don't have a problem with porn or naked celebrities. i do have a problem with his looking at random naked broads shaking their stuff, who might live next door or in the same town, you know what i mean, just everyday girls. i don't like that.

[CrushedOrgans]

i'm sorry, i suck and i keep remembering things after...

 

with the myspace thing, he doesn't know (i don't think) that i still look at his one friend's myspace, and he doesn't know that i look at the others...i don't think.

 

but i did notice a lot of his friends' comments about going out and stuff were deleted. not all the comments, just the ones about going out. it makes me wonder if my fiance warned them.

 

see how crazy my mind gets? but as crazy as it gets, it still doesn't negae the fact that he still could be up to something.

 

please help me before i ruin my relationship, or i marry someone who is doing things they shouldn't and lying.

[CrushedOrgans]

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......awfully quiet, lol.

[blind_otter]

If he isn't willing to meet you halfway when you air your concerns about trust then I would be wary about marching up to the altar just yet. Where is the compromise? Where is the open, honest communication designed to build each other up and support each other in your weak areas while lauding the successes of your strengths?

 

If he expends so much effort to hide his life from you, how are you supposed to share a life together?

[CrushedOrgans]

If he isn't willing to meet you halfway when you air your concerns about trust then I would be wary about marching up to the altar just yet. Where is the compromise? Where is the open, honest communication designed to build each other up and support each other in your weak areas while lauding the successes of your strengths?

 

If he expends so much effort to hide his life from you, how are you supposed to share a life together?

 

yeah, that is exactly my argument. but i still doubt my judgment sometimes because i am one of those people who thinks anything is possible, so i do think it's possible that he is hiding stuff (now) because he feels his privacy was invaded (which it was). and yes, it was entirely possible that the one link was innocent and doesn't usually occur. sure, it's possible those bookmarks might be old.

 

it's just that both situations are entirely possible to me, and i don't how to find out which one is right. i don't really know what my gut is telling me. it's telling to me to find out, but not to leave right away, i guess.

 

i might do the same thing (not leaving anything up after someone snooped)-even if i was totally innocent, i would still feel a little like, "screw you". okay well, maybe not "screw you" but i might do the same thing.

 

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i really hate this.

[john2776]

Sometimes I lack trust also and I always wondered who my GF was writing emails to and texting etc when we first moved in together. One day she accidentally left the computer logged in and she was out for the day so I looked at all her mail. I found all kinds of stuff prior to her being my GF and nothing afterwards. Same thing happened with her phone one day, no strange texts or calls since we got together. Since that I never worry about her anymore in this way. So having access to the information help you get over the trust problem. Try and get your BF to allow you access to his stuff. Yeah its not nice for him, but if you explain the trouble you are having at the moment and he goes along with it, then both of you will be better off. Not sure if this is viable or not, but you do need to find a way to get over the trust problems.

[norajane]

My SO turns his head when I'm typing in my passwords on the laptop when he's there, and if my email happens to be up when he's borrowing it, he closes the program so he doesn't accidentally see a mail alert (the little box in the corner that tells you who's writing and the first part of the sentence).

 

I never asked him to do this. He chooses not to take any options to invade my privacy or my electronic mail...which is just as private as the postal mail, IMO.

 

I couldn't imagine living under a cloud of suspicion all the time, nor the knowledge that he was snooping into my online activites, even though I have nothing to hide. Poking around into other people's private matters is not a great foundation for a loving, trusting relationship. If you feel that you must, that's something very serious for you to consider.

[CrushedOrgans]

My SO turns his head when I'm typing in my passwords on the laptop when he's there, and if my email happens to be up when he's borrowing it, he closes the program so he doesn't accidentally see a mail alert (the little box in the corner that tells you who's writing and the first part of the sentence).

 

I never asked him to do this. He chooses not to take any options to invade my privacy or my electronic mail...which is just as private as the postal mail, IMO.

 

I couldn't imagine living under a cloud of suspicion all the time, nor the knowledge that he was snooping into my online activites, even though I have nothing to hide. Poking around into other people's private matters is not a great foundation for a loving, trusting relationship. If you feel that you must, that's something very serious for you to consider.

 

thanks, nora. i know. it sucks and i want to get over it very, very badly. i guess i just don't feel like i've had that much help in doing that from him. and i understand he's probably a little mad at me too. i don't have his passwords and he doesn't have mine. we do have separate things. so much of the problem is that i felt i had to look at what i could get access to. and i am not really sure why that is.

 

thank you also john. i hate being "that girl", but yeah, i really do wish he would just say "fine, here look at everything." but i don't think he would. i would for him, but there really isn't anything i have that he can't see. with him, i'm not so sure anymore.

 

anyway, it really has been less of a problem, we've been getting along fine and everything. it's just hanging on me and hanging on me, and i can't seem to get past it. i kind of feel like he gets off the hook with a "sorry" and a few deleted bookmarks and i am expected to just start trusting him all over again because he wants me to.

[CrushedOrgans]

so things are getting better, atually. thought you might like to know, and deserve to know, since a lot of you helped me.

 

just wanted to say thank you. he's really been going out of his way to make me more comfortable with all of this, and he did a lot of things that i didn't even have to ask him to do, he just did them and came to me and said he was sorry, and that he is willing to do anything else i need or want. he's been great. we'll see. i'm not racing myself down the altar just yet, but things are definitely on the up and up. and i was certainly wrong about a few things...who knew?! thank you everybody, for reading and dealing with my crap.