Sex while seperated

[cnt2infinity]

Is it a crime, when being seperated to have sexual relations with another person? I guess ontop of the pain and guilt it has been eating away at me. We are back in our marriage and the seperation happened two years ago. But not a day goes by where I can just simply put it behind. I think I love my wife. I try. She says she trusts me but she knows I do not trust her, and I dont.

 

I am more of a passionate person in life. My life evolves around it and having the smallest glitch makes me want to scap it and start fresh with another, hoping nothing will go wrong. But is that crazy? I fear it could happen with anyone so therfore the words 'trust no one' comes into mind. I look at my daughter and realise she is happy. Her happiness holds me up and replenishes the love between me and my wife.

 

My wife is doing a great job but my pity is keeping things down. each time I try to fufil the love we once had, it just hurts more. For I feel as if I stop loving her, then I cannot be hurt no more.

[blind_otter]

My wife is doing a great job but my pity is keeping things down. each time I try to fufil the love we once had, it just hurts more. For I feel as if I stop loving her, then I cannot be hurt no more.

 

That's false logic. Challenge it yourself. You experienced pain prior to the relationship, and you would experience hurt regardless of whether you were in the relationship or not. Love hurts. It hurts to put yourself in the hands of another. But the rewards should be sufficient.

[Guest]

forgive yourself and go on.....you cannot fix the past but you can let go of it and live today. what happened happened; to relive it and feel bad about it is crippling your todays.

[JamesM]

I just went back and read your past posts and developed quite a history. All I say is...Wow!

 

Your wife has had mental problems...bipolar or similar. I am familiar as to what that will do to a marriage...not mine, but a close friend. And in April she had been off her meds for a year. Has she gone back on?

 

Why does she trust you and you don't trust her when you both had "affairs?"

 

Your separation was actually just a little over a year and a half. Not splitting hairs, but it hasn't been that long. Since you both had sex during your separation, I can say... let the guilt and pain go. Personally, my feelings of a relationship during sep is questionable as to the "adultery" of it. Yes, I guess it is wrong, but IMHO, if you both did it, then neither should feel bad, but both need to deal with it.

 

Your marriage with your wife has been tumultous. You gave up your family, friends, and a Spanish gf for her. You had to start a new marriage and life when you came here. When your were first married your comments are that you were verbally abusive, but she has/had mental problems. This would make life difficult for any partner. On the other hand, you went into marriage knowing this...but probably like all of us, you wre naive as to the real effects of this disease.

 

Ironically, I read that you asked her to go off her meds in the past so that you would know who the real person was. Well, I am guessing you found out. And why is your location listed as FL when you live in NC?...But I digress.

 

So, to answer your question after reading your past, neither of you should feel guilty, sick, or angry at one another, but reading your posts makes me believe you both still need counseliing to deal with your past.

[Gunny376]

And there's nothing that you can do about it! All that matters now is the present ~ move on ~ move forward. Concentrate on your strengths ~ not your weaknesses. Identify them ~ for sure and certain! Obsess over them ~ Hell no! Identify them ~ and seek self improvement in regards to them!

[silentcharon]

You're together, but seperated? Seperated yet you're "together"?

 

If you guys truly loved each other, you two would find a way to be together.

 

Go for it, if it makes you happy, go for it.

[Gunny376]

You're together, but seperated? Seperated yet you're "together"?

 

If you guys truly loved each other, you two would find a way to be together.

 

Go for it, if it makes you happy, go for it.

 

 

"If it makes you happy! Why the Hell are you so sad?"

[Gunny376]

You're together, but seperated? Seperated yet you're "together"?

 

If you guys truly loved each other, you two would find a way to be together.

 

Go for it, if it makes you happy, go for it.

 

 

Whatever works for you! If it makes you happy! Screw what the rest of the world thinks! They're not paying your bills!

[silentcharon]

You're hilarious, gunny! I love the advice you give people!

[cnt2infinity]

Yea, I do have a hell of a situation with me being in a country far from my home. I guess if anyone in this world did what I did by moving across an ocean to be with someone, then you would want the best without any hiccups whatsoever.

 

I do look back constantly at my life and wonder the consequences of other alternative paths I could have taken. I assume that they would have avoided the mess I am in now but thinking about it, any path you take is undetermable. For sometimes I feel as if I am the only one going through this pain.

 

She has come of her meds since the seperation (2 years ago). The separation was only a month. Sometimes I think it would have been best if she did not come back. We have talked about it and she regrets doing what she did during the separation. But it still drives me crazy. Even the person she was with during the separation drives me crazy to think she had something to do with him. His Job, his name and the mess of his life (divorced with a child thats not even his, WTF) this makes me think less of my wife. Thats the mess I do not want to get involved in. i dont want drama in my life and my wife is a typical drama queen most of the time. I personally met with people who were true and without a screwed up life and had careers and a positive outcome. Again this makes me think about the paths I could have taken and avoid the negativity that I see in my wife.

 

I want a happy family with more kids and I somehow feel as if that is impossible with my wife. She always says 'I am never having another child' without thinking about what I want in my life. I think the years and years she has been on meds have somewhat disconnected her on the true meanings of life.

 

I choose not to talk about the happenings during my seperation with my wife. She knows what happened, but in a situation like this, its best to keep to yourself. But I feel guilty about not telling.

[blind_otter]

Yea, I do have a hell of a situation with me being in a country far from my home. I guess if anyone in this world did what I did by moving across an ocean to be with someone, then you would want the best without any hiccups whatsoever.

 

Interestingly enough I faced a similar situation but ended the relationship before we got married. I couldn't do it. He moved from Europe to be with me here in America, but when things started to get difficult he blamed me for everything! there were of course other issues; you can never distill the end of a relationship into one thing. But to me, I felt like I was the scapgoat. The whipping boy for his frustrations adjusting to America.

 

For sometimes I feel as if I am the only one going through this pain.

 

False logic again. man you need to challenge some of the beliefs you have with logic! It is statistically impossible to be the only one in the world suffering. Hell, you could live in Israel.

 

Again this makes me think about the paths I could have taken and avoid the negativity that I see in my wife.

 

IME it never does any good to think of alternative, imaginary, perfect lives. Fantasy lives inside your head will always work out perfectly. Reality never does. It's everyone's duty to accept the reality of their life as it is now, and deal with the present. You are shooting yourself in the proverbial foot by allowing yourself to fantasize about a perfect life.

 

I want a happy family with more kids and I somehow feel as if that is impossible with my wife. She always says 'I am never having another child' without thinking about what I want in my life. I think the years and years she has been on meds have somewhat disconnected her on the true meanings of life.

 

Well this is something that should have been discussed prior to marriage. But beyond that, are you not really considering what she wants in her life?

 

I choose not to talk about the happenings during my seperation with my wife. She knows what happened, but in a situation like this, its best to keep to yourself. But I feel guilty about not telling.

 

She told you; you should tell her. I could understanding keeping this to yourself if you were dating, but you're married. A strong relationship is built on a foundation of trust and open communication. Once you stop talking and sharing, the relationship will be dead in the water.

 

You do realize how odd it sounds to hold this over her head, while you were guilty of the same crime?

[cnt2infinity]

But dont you think that anyone else in my situation would have ended it by now. I just feel stuck because I am not in my home country and my daughter is here.

[blind_otter]

But dont you think that anyone else in my situation would have ended it by now. I just feel stuck because I am not in my home country and my daughter is here.

 

No. And it does no good to think of what "anyone else in your situation" would do. You have the problem. You have to deal with it. You have to figure out what the hell you want to do.

 

But it seems utterly ridiculous to point the finger of blame at her while you are guilty of the same thing!

 

Try some therapy. It may help you see your lack of logic regarding your emotions, and give you a better handle on how to deal with things in the present, in your situation, right now.

 

If you want to leave, you can make arrangements to do so. You can have shared custody and see your daughter occassionally. If you want to stay, for God's sake get some marriage counseling and learn how to interact and share appropriately with your wife.

[Gunny376]

Pain is nothing more than weakness leaving the body, be it mental, emotional, or physical.

 

Pain is the ultimate teacher ~ it will most definately teach you not to repeat whatever caused the pain to begin with.

 

Your not fully investing yourself into your marriage ~ because your in "pain avoidance" mode. Therefore your holding back, and in doing so your not doing righteous by your wife, your marriage ~ yourself!

 

You say your a passionate person ~ yet your not fully passionate about your wife, your marriage ~ and thuss your life.

 

The only sure and known way to avoid any and all pain ~ is to be dead! If your still feeling pain ~ that means you're still alive ~ and many people consider that a good thing! I personally being one of them, but then that just my personal opinion ~ I could be wrong?

 

Bottom line either you do or you don't. Either you're in or you're out ~ there is no try?

 

Are there risks? Sure? Risk? Let me think, there's another,.....................better word for it than that,....................its called LIFE!

[cnt2infinity]

But it seems utterly ridiculous to point the finger of blame at her while you are guilty of the same thing!

 

I only did the same thing because she was going it that direction of being with someone. When in a situation like that I seemed to panic. All that was on my mind was being a step up on the ladder. Believe me, I wanted a simple separation with no one involved. She claimed she could not be alone and had to be with someone. She honestly is that kind of women, and afraid to be alone. I was afraid to be alone too. I realised during separation that this was the first time I was actually alone in my life.

 

I did crazy stuff during separation. Stuff I dont want to talk about. I am not proud of it. But its what she done that mostly hurts.

[Gunny376]

I only did the same thing because she was going it that direction of being with someone.

 

So, You're saying your some kind of morphed-human~lemming?

[Sup]

Is it a crime, when being seperated to have sexual relations with another person? I guess ontop of the pain and guilt it has been eating away at me. We are back in our marriage and the seperation happened two years ago. But not a day goes by where I can just simply put it behind. I think I love my wife. I try. She says she trusts me but she knows I do not trust her, and I dont.

 

I am more of a passionate person in life. My life evolves around it and having the smallest glitch makes me want to scap it and start fresh with another, hoping nothing will go wrong. But is that crazy? I fear it could happen with anyone so therfore the words 'trust no one' comes into mind. I look at my daughter and realise she is happy. Her happiness holds me up and replenishes the love between me and my wife.

 

My wife is doing a great job but my pity is keeping things down. each time I try to fufil the love we once had, it just hurts more. For I feel as if I stop loving her, then I cannot be hurt no more.

 

Are you saying you messed around during the separation? If so tell your wife. From a later post you stated she was messing around too.

[Guest]

I don't mean to be rude, but your logic is illogical.

 

You are mad at her for doing the same thing you did. You blame your affair on her, but your the one who did it. Your mad at her because she had an affair, because you don't approve of that person. Your mad at her for not wanting kids, but not giving her wants the same level of credit as your own. You say you don't want to leave your child and at the same time say you want to have yet another child with the same women.

 

I understand you are unhappy and confused. You are getting crushed between the guilt of your actions and the hurt of her actions. At the same time, your a bit homesick and feeling alone. It all leads to a depressing situation.

 

However, it doesn't have to be that way. You are wollowing in your own self pity and you need to stop. Go see a counselor. At first go alone. After you get a little more squared away, take your wife or go to a seperate marriage counselor with her. These problems won't go away on their own and your words tell me things are getting worse with time.

 

Marriage is an extremely wonderful thing, but it takes communication, trust, and a lot of work. If you don't work to fix these problems, you will loose everything. If you love her, it's worth fighting for.