Loving your abuser, is that possible?

[Maria sofia]

I think it is posible. its just verry unfourtunate... I was abused horibily by my boyfriend. but I am still in love with him... see it isn't the abuse I'm in love with. its the person. even when I was thrown on the ground in tears, haveing makeup to cover my bruises, and had two meny emotional wounds to count. there where times I wanted to fight back. to get up and run away, to slap him and leave, to tell someone then pain I had... but then I would look at him. and remeber him earlier befor his anger came... eventrully when I could take it no longer, I would pass out.

 

I woke up in his arms, tears in his eye's and we would talk him better. he told me at times that I should leave him. but I stayed. and told him how great of a person he was and that we can get through it togeather. I haven't had a problem with him now for a long time... now maybe your not to the degree I was at. but it works the same. I never left because I loved him. not the abuse... and as long as you love her. take the blows. BUT just keep showing her that you love her... and maybe she dosn't even know how bad she is hurting you... let her know.

 

if she loves you the same. she will need help. but she'll find away to over come it... life never is easy. but with at the end we'll find it was worth it. better to go through pain with someone you care about then to go through it alone....

[Outcast]

but she'll find away to over come it.

 

That is HIGHLY unlikely. I find it hard to believe that your guy has turned around, frankly. Because in the vast majority of these cases, people never do. There have been studies showing that people who are violent have different brains. It's not something a person can just fix as easy as folding a jacket.

[tinktronik]

.

 

Who has to take notice is the neighbour or relative or friend of the little kids that are too skinny, always having bruises and broken limbs, or, worse, are never seen outdoors. Who has to take notice is the person next door listening as a child screams for hours in pain as the parent shrieks. Doctors, teachers, everyone in 'the village' has to save children from these awful fates. That's how to change this.

I've always wondered how people justify it "not being their bussiness enough" , to know that these things are being done to a child but not do anything.

[Craig]

Whatwentwrong, I'm a survivor of domestic violence at the hands of my female SO. You're right that there used to be a general point of view that only men abused but thanks to woman on woman violence in lesbian realtionships that is changing rapidly. Around the world the increase in men reporting violence by their female SO's is increasing at an exponential (amazingly fast) rate. You are not alone in your plight.

 

Have a safety plan when you leave her because like you said, she is 'unpredictable and can easily snap.' Of course you still have feelings for her but which her do you have feelings for? The good 'her' of course not the crazy and violent one. The urge to go back to your abuser could be very strong so be prepared for it. For women that are in an abusive relationship they will leave their abuser 7x, on average, before leaving permanently. Sorry I don't know what the stats are for men leaving abusive women.

 

I think it is posible. its just verry unfourtunate... I was abused horibily by my boyfriend. but I am still in love with him... see it isn't the abuse I'm in love with. its the person. even when I was thrown on the ground in tears, haveing makeup to cover my bruises, and had two meny emotional wounds to count. there where times I wanted to fight back. to get up and run away, to slap him and leave, to tell someone then pain I had... but then I would look at him. and remeber him earlier befor his anger came... eventrully when I could take it no longer, I would pass out.

 

I woke up in his arms, tears in his eye's and we would talk him better. he told me at times that I should leave him. but I stayed. and told him how great of a person he was and that we can get through it togeather. I haven't had a problem with him now for a long time... now maybe your not to the degree I was at. but it works the same. I never left because I loved him. not the abuse... and as long as you love her. take the blows. BUT just keep showing her that you love her... and maybe she dosn't even know how bad she is hurting you... let her know.

 

if she loves you the same. she will need help. but she'll find away to over come it... life never is easy. but with at the end we'll find it was worth it. better to go through pain with someone you care about then to go through it alone....

 

So you were lucky and just passed out from his beating on you. You could have just as easily been murdered by him.

 

Maria Sofia, you have just given some really bad advice that might result in someone getting murdered by their SO. Maybe the next person won't pass out from the beating their abuser gives them, maybe they'll just die.

[Craig]

Whatwentwrong, here are some links for you to have a look at...

 

 

In Defense of Men, written by a feminist about violence against men.

 

http://www.sheridanhill.com/batteredmen.html

 

Are you abused?

 

http://www.dahmw.org/pages/abused.htm

 

Frequently asked questions for men who are abused.

 

http://www.dahmw.org/faq/relfaq.htm

 

Good general information about domestic violence (from a site for women but everything applies to men as well pretty much)

 

http://www.charmeck.org/Departments/Womens+Commission/Domestic+Violence/General+Information.htm

[lindya]

I never left because I loved him. not the abuse... and as long as you love her. take the blows. BUT just keep showing her that you love her... and maybe she dosn't even know how bad she is hurting you... let her know.

 

if she loves you the same. she will need help. but she'll find away to over come it... life never is easy. but with at the end we'll find it was worth it. better to go through pain with someone you care about then to go through it alone....

 

 

Totally agree with Craig. This is so wrong on so many levels that it's hard to know what to say.

 

Imagine a toddler whose mummy deals with his vile, anti-social behaviour by trying to quieten them down with sweets. Then his father comes home, and deals with the tantrums by dishing out a few slaps. The toddler learns that violence rules, and the weak shall reward it with sweets and loving words.

 

It grows up into an adult who wants to find that ideal sweet-dishing-out, punchbag of a partner. That's where you come in, Maria. With all your misguided beliefs about being able to love someone out of their dysfunctionality. You're the mummy who keeps an endless supply of sweets in store. Who has learned to hastily start dishing them out whenever you hear the rumblings of a tantrum, and who really does believe that by doing that you have "cured" the problem.

 

What people like your partner and the OP's might benefit from would be a spell in some sort of detention centre run by supernannies. They could be totally regressed into the toddler state, then subjected to consistent, effective and firm parenting in an effort to remove some of the damage. Perhaps this would be the only way to teach them that lesson which normal people begin to learn from an early age...ie that their anger is not some almighty force that, when unleashed, can force the world to spin in the direction they want it to.

[magichands]

Like you say, www19 - you can be blamed for everything, but you couldn't possibly have done it all (nobody is that good).

Perhaps this would be the only way to teach them that lesson which normal people begin to learn from an early age...ie that their anger is not some almighty force that, when unleashed, can force the world to spin in the direction they want it to.

I agree. If only they hadn't told me that practice makes perfect. Just kidding.

 

But seriously now, maybe the abused hangs on to the abuser as the eternal optimist - seeing only the good, and projecting all the bad back upon themselves? (And, I would hope, hoping that things will change for the better.) Of course it's not as simple as that.

 

If you want to live with this, then prepare yourself to live in a very small world. A world in which you must tailor yourself to another - instead of being given the chance to grow.

 

I think that, under these circumstances, unconditional love is for martyrs.