Moms, could you leave your children? (sad story included)

[RecordProducer]

I often think about men who leave their wives and thus their little children. They start seeing their kids every other weekend or perhaps once a week. Sometimes they move to another city or state and see them only on vacations.

 

I am not talking about men who were abandoned by their wives and she took the kids with her; I am talking about men who left by their own choice, because they couldn't live with the wife or wanted to be with another woman. This also doesn't refer to those parents who share custody and are involved in their kids' lives 50-50%. I am talking about parents whose parental role is basically cut off their children's lives.

 

The statistics say that the percentage of mothers who leave their children is smaller, but is not non-existent. The case that made me think a lot about this is a 19-year old girl who is anorexic. When she and her one-year younger brother were around 6, their mother left PA and moved to Oregon with her new husband. Many years later, the boy is on medications for severe depression and suicidal mindset and the girl is dying from anorexia.

 

The father, who has lived with the kids all this time, is a tennis coach (you'd think he'd know better about health issues). I heard this story from the children's step-father who seems to completely not care. He claims that the father denies that any problems exist, that the girl doesn't need therapy, and that he doesn't want to spend a penny on institutionalizing her.

 

Now I can't check this information, but the step-father said: "Her mother wants her to come to Oregon, but she's come twice and stayed for one week then flew back to PA cuz she didn't like it there. Frankly, I don't want her in my house, I don't want the baggage. She lost her health care because she quit school so I will have to pay for it. If she dies, I don't want her to die in my house."

 

His wife (the mother) wants her daughter to come to Oregon with her. However, the mother is leaving for Oregon (probably left already) and the daughter will come a week later. Obviously, the girl will come back to PA this time again.

 

What I can't understand is two things:

 

1. How could a mother leave two small kids and move so far away? (although the mother regrets leaving the children (supposedly at the time she thought it would be better for them)), and

 

2. Now that her daughter is skin and bones and doesn't want to eat, how can she just leave her? Why doesn't she stay in PA and save her child's life? Just the love she would give her might save her! Her husband just made $200,000 (PT) from a business transaction with my husband - half of that money is hers! She has all the right to use it for her sick baby.

 

My husband says I can't judge her until I know her side of the story. He says the father was going to contest the custody, but it never came to that point - she didn't lose her kids at court! Well what could be her side of the story? Is there any side that could justify this? She was in her 30s when she left her kids. Hubby also told the step-father that he can't refuse to take her in their house in Oregon and that whatever the mother wants, he should accept.

 

This case is breaking my heart. I offered my help to talk to girl, but he said "thank you, maybe we'll do it" and never gave me a call. I think of all the children who lack their parents' love and how emotionally damaged they are. I think of my children who kiss me and hug me all the time and I can't possibly imagine leaving them when all they have in their lives at this age is love. What kind of relationship did these people have with their kids when they could just pack their bags and slam the door leaving their children behind? Didn't they miss them? Didn't they want to go back and take them? Didn't they wonder how the kids felt about being abandoned by their own mom (or dad)?

 

And I think of all the OW who wait for their MM to abandon their children and be with them...

 

What are your thoughts on this? Has any woman left her kids with their dad, how do you feel about your decision? What about men?

[Mz. Pixie]

Eh- RP- some mothers are just not "mothers" like you or I. I was raised by one unfortunately that cared more for herself than she did for me. Way more. I'll never get rid of the scars either.

 

It's sad, very sad. I can't imagine leaving my kids. NO WAY. It's bad enough to have to split custody with him part of the time.

 

But I know he loves them and that it's good for them to be with him too.

 

My husband's ex wife just recently showed me how great of a mom she is. Their son was very very sick and in the hospital. He had major surgery. She was very concerned with being "relieved" so that she could go to work. :sick: Now, if my kid was in ICU there would be no way in hell I would leave them. They'd just have to come get my sxht.

[RecordProducer]

My husband's ex wife just recently showed me how great of a mom she is. Their son was very very sick and in the hospital. He had major surgery. She was very concerned with being "relieved" so that she could go to work. :sick: Now, if my kid was in ICU there would be no way in hell I would leave them. They'd just have to come get my sxht.

OMG! What surgery did the child have? Is he OK now? How old is he?

 

A couple months ago, one of my kid put a candy in his ear. My husband suggested that HE takes him to the hospital and I stay with the other kid, since it was 10 pm. I was thinking: "No way will I sleep whole my baby is hurting even if it's just for s few seconds and not so serious!"

 

I went with him and I went through a major stress while the doctor was pulling out the candy. He started crying in the last few seconds of the procedure and I was begging the doctor to stop. Well now that everything turned out just fine, I can laugh. I was also teasing my son about what the doctor said: "We usually get cases like this with 2-4 year olds, not 7."

[a4a]

Eh- RP- some mothers are just not "mothers" like you or I. I was raised by one unfortunately that cared more for herself than she did for me. Way more. I'll never get rid of the scars either.

 

It's sad, very sad. I can't imagine leaving my kids. NO WAY. It's bad enough to have to split custody with him part of the time.

 

But I know he loves them and that it's good for them to be with him too.

 

My husband's ex wife just recently showed me how great of a mom she is. Their son was very very sick and in the hospital. He had major surgery. She was very concerned with being "relieved" so that she could go to work. :sick: Now, if my kid was in ICU there would be no way in hell I would leave them. They'd just have to come get my sxht.

 

Hell it would have been better if she gave you up for adoption to a loving family!

 

I could see a parent leaving a child because they know that they cannot provide for that child and giving said child to a family that could. As a matter a fact in that kinda of a case I think it is the most unselfish thing you could do for that child..... a selfish person who is unstable or unable to provide would probably hold onto the child making their life a living hell.

 

But as for just leaving to get your groove on..... no don't see me doing that even tho I will never have kids.

 

I forget the name of the law where women can just take their babies to a hospital and leave them there without facing charges..... that was recently in the paper because in some place they were trying to nail a mother which recently did such a thing........interesting case indeed I need to satisfy my curiosity on it now.....

[blind_otter]

I think it would take more strength to realize that they would have a better life with the other parent rather than with you.

 

Did you ever see "The Joy Luck Club"? There's a scene where a mother, who is so sick with dysentery that she can't walk, is weeping while she leaves her twin babies under a tree. She thinks that she is dying and does not want to die near them because knows that no one will pick up babies with such bad luck as a dead mother. She leaves all her jewelry with the babies and crawls away to die. but someone saves her and takes her to the hospital and she lives her whole life in agony, knowing she could have kept the babies with her and also saved herself.

 

But at the time, she thought she was dying. She wanted to save her children. She thought that it would be better. Can you imagine being faced with such a choice?

 

And how horrible it must feel to know, after the fact, that you thought wrong and that they would have had a better life with you?

[tinktronik]

I think it would take more strength to realize that they would have a better life with the other parent rather than with you.

 

Did you ever see "The Joy Luck Club"? There's a scene where a mother, who is so sick with dysentery that she can't walk, is weeping while she leaves her twin babies under a tree. She thinks that she is dying and does not want to die near them because knows that no one will pick up babies with such bad luck as a dead mother. She leaves all her jewelry with the babies and crawls away to die. but someone saves her and takes her to the hospital and she lives her whole life in agony, knowing she could have kept the babies with her and also saved herself.

 

But at the time, she thought she was dying. She wanted to save her children. She thought that it would be better. Can you imagine being faced with such a choice?

 

And how horrible it must feel to know, after the fact, that you thought wrong and that they would have had a better life with you?

Well said Ot . You can never know the inside of another person or why they make the choices they do .

[burning 4 revenge]

never-the-less, there are women in the world who would leave their own flesh and blood for a man. i know women like this

[quankanne]

What kind of relationship did these people have with their kids when they could just pack their bags and slam the door leaving their children behind?

 

unfortunately, there are people out there who seem to think their kids are possessions, and treat those babies (no matter HOW old) like pawns when it comes to the break-up of a relationship. They care less about the kids than they do about winning, or hurting the other person. And yeah, I've got relatives like this. Or, they are so self-centered that they refuse to consider those kids needs ... either which way, the kids suffer.

 

this is a long-shot, but RP, is this girl (and her brother) someone you can befriend – do they live nearby? That might be one way to help give your support, by being their friend. A lot of times, that makes all the difference to a neglected child ...

[tinktronik]

 

My husband's ex wife just recently showed me how great of a mom she is. Their son was very very sick and in the hospital. He had major surgery. She was very concerned with being "relieved" so that she could go to work. :sick: Now, if my kid was in ICU there would be no way in hell I would leave them. They'd just have to come get my sxht.

Mz. , Now why would the mother possibly want to go to work while her son was in the ICU? In fact if she did not have to go to work why would she ever want to go ????? Perhaps her job was at risk ,thus leaving her home and that of her child at risk of being gone . Perhaps if she did not go to work , they could not eat or her job would fire her and she would lose the insurance that was paying for her sons hospital stay? Im just theorizing here , but surly there is some reason .... Why do you think she would go to work ?( remember here it is WORK not a BAR she was going to).Women are so unbelivebly judgemental of other women especially in terms of parenting . Think this through before you decide to judge her Mz. ....Why would she feel a desperate need to go to work while her child was in the hospital....No one ever wants to leave their child while they are in pain, so think about it.

[a4a]

never-the-less, there are women in the world who would leave their own flesh and blood for a man. i know women like this

 

 

yeah Susan Smith killed her kids so her bf would want her....he did not want a R involving children or step children.

[quankanne]

I forget the name of the law where women can just take their babies to a hospital and leave them there without facing charges..... that was recently in the paper because in some place they were trying to nail a mother which recently did such a thing........interesting case indeed I need to satisfy my curiosity on it now.....

 

called the Baby Moses Law. Enacted in 1999 in Texas, the law allows a parent to leave a child under 60 days old at a fire station, hospital, or other licensed emergency medical services provider without threat of criminal prosecution. There are something like 40-plus states who have followed suit, according to some of the websites I've read. IMO, every state in the country should adopt the law, it's a good one.

[Lor]

Not to be too judgmental since we don't know the mother's reasoning for leaving but it sounds like Mom, Dad and Step-Dad are all a bunch of losers. Mom at least is concerned and sound like she's trying to make a late effort. Dad apparently does know there's a problem cuz otherwise why would he tell the SD that if xW wants the D, she gets her. SD sounds like the biggest loser of all and if I was Dad, I wouldn't let my D around him.

[KLG]

More and more children are caught up in the lives their parents choose to live. These kids see themselves as throw away kids. Even if one parent is absent it takes it's toll on the kids in a very harmful way. Both children need extensive therapy. Who cares what the cost is or what we parents must go without to provide this.

 

I personally would put everything I have on the line to make sure my kids feel loved, safe and secure. Any length!

[RecordProducer]

a4a, I agree with you, but obviously we are not talking about those cases.

 

B_O, you're talking about a case that's happened once in a Hollywood movie... this is reality and I'm trying to figure out the parents that can feed their kids, change their diapers, put them to sleep every night, clean their puke when they're sick, hold them in their arms, love them, take care of them... and after several years just abandon them. Most pet holders can't even imagine doing this to their pets. But parents do this to their own flesh and blood, to those who desperately need them, and need only them. Did they ever truly love their kids? Or did they love them as much as you love your dog and if you have to dump your violent husband, you'll abandon the dog too, cuz your life is more important than a dog's life, right?

 

Tinktronik, you're right that she probably had to go back to work, which implies that she did take days off to nurture her son. Soem people just don't have choice when it comes to taking care of their children.

 

I know of a woman who lost her house and job in a court battle with her ex-husband, because she wanted to put him to jail for sexual abuse of one of her daughters. She made it, but at what cost? Employers and bank managers can be cruel.

 

Quankanne, I will try to get in contact with this girl through my husband's friend in any possible way. I have a feeling that she will fly to Oregon just to be back a couple weeks later. The thing that worries me is that she needs her mother and father in this battle, not a stranger. I did help someone (a very close online friend) to go through some suicidal stages, but he was open to receive help.

 

I can only refer her to her future and try and persuade her that she has reasons to live for, she has the strength to fight, and life can be beautiful. But I can't make up for the big hole she has inside her. Love is the only thing that kept me moving through hard times and this girl is deprived from the most important thing. But if I could reach her, I could talk to her dad too perhaps. So he could put some more effort.

 

What happened in the far past is: the mother and father separated and when she started dating her new boyfriend, he had to move to Oregon (he said he told her she could take the kids with her). She thought it would be better for them to stay in PA. She didn't work and still doesn't. Her new husband left his house to the father of the kids, but he is paying rent without even knowing that it's the step-father's house. In the meanwhile, the father has turned the kids against their mother.

 

I think 12 years ago she realized that her new husband was not good to her kids, had no money or property, loved him and did what she thought at the moment was best for the kids (or her!).

 

What I think would have been the right thing to do is: not marry a guy who is not good to your kids. She should've stayed in PA, have the kids living with her, find a job, and a man who would have been good to her kids. I am not saying she should've been wise enough to make this choice; I am saying she should've done that by instinct - mother instinct.

[a4a]

[ I am not saying she should've been wise enough to make this choice; I am saying she should've done that by instinct - mother instinct.

 

 

Not every woman has a mother instinct.... hell perhaps if it were instinct she would eat her own young to save resources.

 

There may never have been a bond between her and her children. I imagine it is hard for you to see that because you may have such a "instinct".

 

Just like some people it seems are born with the strong desire to have children in the first place...... while others prefer not to.

 

Some people have kids because they think they are supposed to, not because they really want to perhaps this is the root of this case.

[RecordProducer]

I personally would put everything I have on the line to make sure my kids feel loved, safe and secure. Any length!

Many parents would and this is the kid's life that is in danger! How far would you go to save your kids life? Is there a limit?

 

One thing that comes to my mind is: she could divorce her husband, move to PA, and be with her. She could use the money she would get after the divorce to just live. Her daughter would be much better off if she knows that her mom abandoned everything just to be with her, just to save her life.

 

He was talking about a 10-day treatment that costs $13,000. He said he didn't want to spend that money. That's really a crazy amount for just 10 days, I don't know what they could possibly achieve in 10 days, but he can afford it. There must be some other treatments available as well. I think if the kid would just see a lot of effort on her mom's part, she would do much better. Her mom made her eat an apple and a yogurt, he said. So she does respond to her mom's love!

 

And finally, even if she loses all her money and husband and house, what's it worth when her child is dead? Won't she live in agony for the rest of her life knowing that she let her daughter die because of her husband's attitude and her inability to stand up for her child?

 

This is the kind of mindset and heart content that I will never be able to comprehend.

[quankanne]

The thing that worries me is that she needs her mother and father in this battle, not a stranger … I can't make up for the big hole she has inside her. Love is the only thing that kept me moving through hard times and this girl is deprived from the most important thing. But if I could reach her, I could talk to her dad too perhaps. So he could put some more effort.

 

hate to say it, or put a burden on you, but you may very well be the person meant to help her through this. Sometimes it's easier asking a friend to love you than it is your own family, especially if your family is screwed up to start with. Think of yourself as a kind of godmother, someone who is looking out for and will champion her. I know that if she responds to your care and concern, she's going to appreciate the fact that SOMEONE finds her worthy of loving.

[alphamale]

When i was a kid my parents hung out with a couple. The dad was a surgeon and the mom a stay-at-home wife with 3 kids. Me and my brothers were friends with their kids.

 

The dad was like 15 yrs older than her and not too good looking but he was loaded. She was very pretty but not the brightest bulb in the packet.

 

I think when I was around 13 or 14 she left her entire family, kids included, and ran of to the virgin islands to be with her lover. She ended up going to dental school down there and got married to the lover and had a couple more kids with him.

 

All three of her kids got massively messed up for years. The dad married another woman who was not accepted by the 3 abandoned kids. Lots of fighting and hatred among them. The dad died of a massive coronary about 12 yrs ago.

 

She messed up a lot of heads but the story is she was being abused or whatever, blah blah

[burning 4 revenge]

the x i keep writing about on other threads was abandoned by her mother.

her mother was 40 and abandoned the entire family for a 17 year old boy. her kids weren't little but they were teenagers and had to endure their mother's abandonment for someone their own age. to add insult to injury, their mother told them she loved him even more than she loved them. this-so called "mother" eventually commited suicide when this kid dumped her.

 

man, no wonder my x is such a c*nt

[RecordProducer]

Not every woman has a mother instinct.... hell perhaps if it were instinct she would eat her own young to save resources.

 

There may never have been a bond between her and her children. I imagine it is hard for you to see that because you may have such a "instinct".

 

Just like some people it seems are born with the strong desire to have children in the first place...... while others prefer not to.

 

Some people have kids because they think they are supposed to, not because they really want to perhaps this is the root of this case.

I think you're very right about this!

 

Qankanne, I would absolutely love to help her. And yes, you're right, anyone that cares might mean a lot to her. When hubby returns from work, I will ask him to straighforeardly ask for her number or her mother's number. I can even contact his son-in-law and ask his daughter to get me the number of this girl. But where do I start from there? Ask her to hang out with me or tell her the reasons of my phone call? Ask her to just meet me and talk to me?

 

Alpha, that's another example of how abandonment by a mother can screw you up for life. Burning, wow, what a story! Yes, no wonder she is a mess.

[quankanne]

But where do I start from there? Ask her to hang out with me or tell her the reasons of my phone call? Ask her to just meet me and talk to me?

 

is she close by to where maybe you can engage her as a sitter or "mommy's helper," especially if you've got something planned with the boys and wouldn't mind the company of an adult, but someone still young enough to enjoy being around your children? It's prolly the easiest way to begin a friendship, then deepen it from there, that's how I got to become such good friends with my boss's three younger girls, who are all now college age. They confide in me because they think of me as an older sister, but their parents see me as an ally who can help them when the girls don't want to open up to them but trust me.

 

or, let it begin like any other friendship you'd strike up: give her a call and see if she wants to hang out, go shopping, catch a movie, etc.

[RecordProducer]

But where do I start from there? Ask her to hang out with me or tell her the reasons of my phone call? Ask her to just meet me and talk to me?

 

is she close by to where maybe you can engage her as a sitter or "mommy's helper," especially if you've got something planned with the boys and wouldn't mind the company of an adult, but someone still young enough to enjoy being around your children? It's prolly the easiest way to begin a friendship, then deepen it from there, that's how I got to become such good friends with my boss's three younger girls, who are all now college age. They confide in me because they think of me as an older sister, but their parents see me as an ally who can help them when the girls don't want to open up to them but trust me.

 

or, let it begin like any other friendship you'd strike up: give her a call and see if she wants to hang out, go shopping, catch a movie, etc.

But she has no idea who I am at all. She's never heard of me. My husband and her step-father are friends and my husband knows her mother through him. It would be like if someone you've never heard of called you on the phone and said: "Hi, I am Emily, my husband knows your mother, would you like to go out with me?"

 

I think I would have to be introduced to her by her mother as someone who could help her. She should know that someone is willing to make her feel better. Actually your posts made me come to this realization.

 

What do you think?

[KLG]

Many parents would and this is the kid's life that is in danger! How far would you go to save your kids life? Is there a limit?

 

One thing that comes to my mind is: she could divorce her husband, move to PA, and be with her. She could use the money she would get after the divorce to just live. Her daughter would be much better off if she knows that her mom abandoned everything just to be with her, just to save her life.

 

He was talking about a 10-day treatment that costs $13,000. He said he didn't want to spend that money. That's really a crazy amount for just 10 days, I don't know what they could possibly achieve in 10 days, but he can afford it. There must be some other treatments available as well. I think if the kid would just see a lot of effort on her mom's part, she would do much better. Her mom made her eat an apple and a yogurt, he said. So she does respond to her mom's love!

 

And finally, even if she loses all her money and husband and house, what's it worth when her child is dead? Won't she live in agony for the rest of her life knowing that she let her daughter die because of her husband's attitude and her inability to stand up for her child?

 

This is the kind of mindset and heart content that I will never be able to comprehend.

 

 

My oldest daughter is 16, she has made a suicide attempt while spending this summer with her father. He pushed for her to be put in a foster home, wants to wash his hands of her. I fought him, which wasn't hard (I have primary custody). What I will do for her is work to keep up with the extensive therapy plan the hospital and I have developed for her. We feel that this will be the best help for her. Though the time and cost that will come with this, and no doubt there will be some very hard times emotionally, what it takes is what it takes.

[quankanne]

talking to her mom sounds like an excellent idea – I hadn't realized that you didn't already knew the girl, sorry about that!

[quankanne]

KLG, I am so very sorry to hear about the problems you're facing with your daughter's suicide attempt. It's good to know that you have a plan in hand, and I wish you the best of luck in working through all of this with her.

 

in the meantime, how are YOU holding up? Do you need to round up a posse of righteous mamas/aunties/girlfriends from the 'Shack to go whack the guy in the kneecaps?

 

we're here for you,

quank