Moms, could you leave your children? (sad story included)

[Mz. Pixie]

Mz. , Now why would the mother possibly want to go to work while her son was in the ICU? In fact if she did not have to go to work why would she ever want to go ????? Perhaps her job was at risk ,thus leaving her home and that of her child at risk of being gone . Perhaps if she did not go to work , they could not eat or her job would fire her and she would lose the insurance that was paying for her sons hospital stay? Im just theorizing here , but surly there is some reason .... Why do you think she would go to work ?( remember here it is WORK not a BAR she was going to).Women are so unbelivebly judgemental of other women especially in terms of parenting . Think this through before you decide to judge her Mz. ....Why would she feel a desperate need to go to work while her child was in the hospital....No one ever wants to leave their child while they are in pain, so think about it.

 

Now wait just a minute- wiith all due respect Tink- I know this woman and you don't. And I would certainly think it through before I judge her. It's not judgment, it's simply the truth. This is the way it happened. I know because see, I took off work for two of the days he was in the hospital- and I'm just his stepmom. If you're projecting because someone is judgmental of you as far as your parenting then I'm sorry but that's simply not the case here.

 

It's not a case of her eating or her family eating. She has paid time off she can use for leave- but she choose not to use it. She's also always been the kind of woman who would prefer to go to work rather than take care of her kids. She's that way with this child as well as her other two kids she has with the guy she left my H for. She never takes off work to take them to the dr or when they are sick. That's always her H's job-whoever she's married to at the time.

 

And, no, she's not an attorney or a doctor.

Not anything even close to that.

 

I guess perhaps her job was at risk when she left work early but yet went to the tanning bed before she came to the hospital to see her sick child??

 

As far as her insurance paying for his hospital stay?? WTF ever. She's to split medical expenses with us- but yet we've never asked her to. We foot the bill for all of his prescriptions and dr bills. I would glad do so too to make sure it's done. The hospital bill alone was over $30K-of course insurance covered some of that but still- she should pay her part. We don't even bother to ask her because she's not going to pony up for that. Not for dr bills or prescriptions but she can do so for a new car every other year.

 

There are some women who were not meant to be mothers. I could write a book on that because my mother was the same way. Just because you can't wrap your head around someone being like that or treating their child that way- doesn't mean that people don't. They do. My mom wouldn't have walked across the street to sit up with me when I was sick- that was left to my grandmother- who did a fine job but my own mother couldn't be bothered to miss a few minutes of sleep to sit up with her own sick daughter.

 

RP- he was born with a cleft palate which they had attempted to repair a couple of times and it failed. He had to have a flap made from his throat by grafting skin and his entire nasal passage rebuilt. He couldn't eat food for two weeks. Then only soft foods. It was terrible. But now he can begin speech therapy. He has alot of health problems beyond that as well.

[KLG]

KLG, I am so very sorry to hear about the problems you're facing with your daughter's suicide attempt. It's good to know that you have a plan in hand, and I wish you the best of luck in working through all of this with her.

 

in the meantime, how are YOU holding up? Do you need to round up a posse of righteous mamas/aunties/girlfriends from the 'Shack to go whack the guy in the kneecaps?

 

we're here for you,

quank

 

Part of me wants to just go crazy on her dad (kneecap thing sounds great). My brain tells me I can't afford to waste any time or energy on those feelings. I can only take this on step at a time. If I allow my emotions to run this, I could very likely lose her forever. Thanks for asking:love:

[tinktronik]

Now wait just a minute- wiith all due respect Tink- I know this woman and you don't. And I would certainly think it through before I judge her. It's not judgment, it's simply the truth. This is the way it happened. I know because see, I took off work for two of the days he was in the hospital- and I'm just his stepmom. If you're projecting because someone is judgmental of you as far as your parenting then I'm sorry but that's simply not the case here.

 

It's not a case of her eating or her family eating. She has paid time off she can use for leave- but she choose not to use it. She's also always been the kind of woman who would prefer to go to work rather than take care of her kids. She's that way with this child as well as her other two kids she has with the guy she left my H for. She never takes off work to take them to the dr or when they are sick. That's always her H's job-whoever she's married to at the time.

 

And, no, she's not an attorney or a doctor.

Not anything even close to that.

 

I guess perhaps her job was at risk when she left work early but yet went to the tanning bed before she came to the hospital to see her sick child??

 

As far as her insurance paying for his hospital stay?? WTF ever. She's to split medical expenses with us- but yet we've never asked her to. We foot the bill for all of his prescriptions and dr bills. I would glad do so too to make sure it's done. The hospital bill alone was over $30K-of course insurance covered some of that but still- she should pay her part. We don't even bother to ask her because she's not going to pony up for that. Not for dr bills or prescriptions but she can do so for a new car every other year.

 

There are some women who were not meant to be mothers. I could write a book on that because my mother was the same way. Just because you can't wrap your head around someone being like that or treating their child that way- doesn't mean that people don't. They do. My mom wouldn't have walked across the street to sit up with me when I was sick- that was left to my grandmother- who did a fine job but my own mother couldn't be bothered to miss a few minutes of sleep to sit up with her own sick daughter.

 

RP- he was born with a cleft palate which they had attempted to repair a couple of times and it failed. He had to have a flap made from his throat by grafting skin and his entire nasal passage rebuilt. He couldn't eat food for two weeks. Then only soft foods. It was terrible. But now he can begin speech therapy. He has alot of health problems beyond that as well.

Mz. P , thats why I called it theorizing .

[iron_m]

Hi, I already mentioned my story before.

 

* We came to the US to go to grad schooll: My STBXW, our daugther (now 7yo) and me.

 

* That was 2003...

* Were were +/- OK till last summer

*she started to spend a lot of time on line

*talking to "virtual friends" from spain (we are southamericans)

*because of lack of study she failed comps (PhD exam.. she "only" got a master)

*she blames "the family" that kept her bussy.

*it is not true.

*Spring 2006: she enrolled in a course in holland

*she made plans to meet one of those friends in madrid

*we talked about it alot. I was unease about the idea.

*she went.

*she came back and said: I want divorce. I love you but I am not in love any more. I want us to be friends.

*I said: divorce, ok, friends... not in a million years.

*one day later she said: I want to try with my friend in spain

*One day after that: I'll live in january.

*she also said: The child will have to stay with you

*She moved out 2 month ago, lives in the area... for now.

*I am Mr. Mom. I am finishing my PhD. I got a second job (intership). I have to deal with 1001 things on a daily basis.

*The STBXW doesn't pay child support, she says she cant.

*The STBXW is right now on vacation with friends from her lab. 10 days. *She doesn't have money for more. (I guess)

*her visa to spain was denied.

*when she is leaving to spain is mistery to me, but she will eventually.

 

 

How can this happen?

Before this, she was more than a caring mother... sometimes she was over protecting the little girl.... 1000000 hours of chat later, her motto is:

 

"children get older and leave you when you are old. I'll make the most of my life while I can"

 

Why?

I think that she does that maybe because she knows me much to well. And because it is completely beyond her understanding.

 

 

*I'd never leave one of my people behind.

*I am planning to apply for immigrant status in the US.

*I am son of immigrants

*my granpa was son of immigrants

*my family has moved "overseas" 3 times in 4 generations...

*We do not leave our kids behind never... no matter what

*even knowing that they're very likely to take fly when they grow up. *that's life.

*that's me.

*my STBXW?

*she thinks that immigrating and leaving a child behind is easy if you have MSN, a webcam and money for airfare...

*it is a bit more complex than that...

*I do not bother explaining it to her...

*I'm to bussy helping my little girl.

*and doing 1000 things more.

 

so, yeah, it may happen.

it is not only about gender, it is about the values and lessons you learn in your life...

[Mz. Pixie]

Mz. P , thats why I called it theorizing .

 

I know your sensitive to posts like this Tink because of the custody situation with your kids- and I understand that. Your theory was that there was some reason that she was doing that- but the rest of your post seemed to be directed at women being judgemental of other's parenting skills. Trust me when I say that I wanted to like this woman- if only a bit- but I've continually seen examples myself of her "issues" and they are things I clearly cannot respect.

 

Maybe I am a bit, but I definitely never had an example of what a mother should be but yet, I am a damn good one. When I left my ex I didn't even have sheets for the beds in my kids room, but I soon got that taken care of. I went into debt for my attorney fees too.

 

To Iron M- good for you on the dad thing- I'm thankful that your kids have you!

 

To KLG- Bless your heart. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I sent a prayer up for her today!

[tinktronik]

I know your sensitive to posts like this Tink because of the custody situation with your kids- and I understand that. Your theory was that there was some reason that she was doing that- but the rest of your post seemed to be directed at women being judgemental of other's parenting skills. Trust me when I say that I wanted to like this woman- if only a bit- but I've continually seen examples myself of her "issues" and they are things I clearly cannot respect.

 

You are completely right. I am sentsative. I did not mean to make it sound as though I meant you were being judgemental but that women are judgemental in general. You would not believe the comments I get from other women that are nice one moment but make comments about why or why I do not have custody of my kids the moment they are upset about something. They treat me as though I must have done something terribly wrong or be a horrible uncaring person to not have my kids with me always. It is my soft spot and hits target on every time .

 

I tried to point out that perhaps there was a reason she had to be back at work and if she did not care why did she show up at all? I threw in the women are judgemental part because it is truth but perhaps I did not format it correctly into my structure. Im sorry if I phrased it in such a way as to seem that you were being judgemental , I am having a bad day , and Im sorry.

[RecordProducer]

Tink, I didn't know you didn't have custody of your kids. Did you lose at court or did you have a mutual agreement with your ex?

[Mz. Pixie]

You are completely right. I am sentsative. I did not mean to make it sound as though I meant you were being judgemental but that women are judgemental in general. You would not believe the comments I get from other women that are nice one moment but make comments about why or why I do not have custody of my kids the moment they are upset about something. They treat me as though I must have done something terribly wrong or be a horrible uncaring person to not have my kids with me always. It is my soft spot and hits target on every time .

 

 

And, I'm glad that I knew your history though because it helped me take it less personal.

 

She does care about him, I'm not going to say she doesn't because she does. But she's very lazy and is content to let other people help raise her kids.

 

When they were married, my H worked two jobs and kept their son during the day. Once he became a teacher and had a real job and couldn't be at home during the day keeping the son and cleaning the house- doing the cooking- she found someone else.

 

The guy she is married to now (that she left H for) is a super nice guy- they have had two kids within three years- and then my stepson is five. So, she is just content to let someone else do for my stepson.

 

My MIL is very involved with him, almost over involved. She will keep him at any time for either her or my H. My H actually didn't make too much of an effort when he was single and working two jobs- but he does much better with having him and doing for him now. But in the past they have relied on my MIL too much IMO. I've told both my H and his mom that. Heck, when we were dating the kid was sick and my MIL didn't want my H to take off work and keep him one day. She thinks he's incapable. When he was in the hospital if I wouldn't have been there she wouldn't have went home- but yet his own mother did??

 

My MIL takes him to his dr's appts (which are many because he's got alot of health problems). She's just that way as well- heck my daughter had strep and a 103.5 fever and I took her to the dr and she showed up at the dr's office to check on her. It's wonderful that she's so good but sometimes she needs to let them take care of their own kid. My MIL even took him to get his shots!

 

That is where I disagree with her on her parenting. My ex and I split custody but if my kids are really sick, that's just tough- they are going to be with me. I want them with me, and he doesn't argue with me. I take off work- even if I don't get paid when I do. I didn't get paid for the days I spent with my stepson at the hospital but that's just what you do. It's not like he was in there a month and she had to rush back to work and get a paycheck. It was a week. Someone who gets $6,000 back on her taxes should be able to take a week off.

 

I do feel that my H should do more but I also feel like SHE should do more and quit relying on my MIL to take up the slack. I just wouldn't WANT someone to take care of my kid like she does. At his birthday party- she showed up late- was suposed to be there to help decorate and she wasn't. She was to leave her other two kids at home because there wasn't room at the party for my two kids. Well, here she comes with both of them- one was an infant and the other just walking and into everything. So, neither she nor her H could do a damn thing but sit on their asses while my H and I and my MIL served all the kids and filmed the whole thing and took pictures-helped with presents. When he got ready to blow out his candles she was sitting at the other end of the table and never got up to help him. I helped him blow out the candles on his cake!! There is no way in HELL I would have allowed another woman to do that for my kid with me there in the room.

 

I just don't understand her at all.

[a4a]

I just don't understand her at all.

 

I can kinda get it....... Maybe she is afraid to intrude in his life and your marriage? Upset what he knows as his family now?

 

My biological father was mostly absent during my childhood. They divorce when I was a toddler. My step father raised me, I did see my father a handful of times. But quite honestly I think I was better off without the drama of having my biological father around all the time.

 

I suppose it would be like adopting a child and having the biological parents in the life of the adopted child fulltime..... I think it may actually make things worse for the child??

 

I don't know..... the whole issue never bothered me because I was so young I just accepted my step father as my father.......no questions asked. And comparing myself to friends with parents with joint custody I believe I actually had it much easier. Way less drama and shuffling about. But perhaps that is just me?

[tinktronik]

Tink, I didn't know you didn't have custody of your kids. Did you lose at court or did you have a mutual agreement with your ex?

My ex completely ran me out of resources . Before we seperated he signed everything over to him mother "to help her with her credit" . I'd been a stay at home mom for our marrige and was 22 with 3 kids. When it came down to it , I had no place to live, no car ,a job I couldn't keep because one of the three kids always had a runny nose (daycare would not take them ) all were under school age , as soon as the military told him he would have to pay support for the kids he came and took them for the weekend and never brought them back.He had 10K on retainer with an attorney and I had none. I'd been trying to leave for years due to domestic abuse , but he always followed me and the State I was in would not stop him , restraining orders I worked so hard to get would be lifted with a trip to the magistrate with a member of his command ( he is military) . He got my mother and sister involved and gave me a gambut of paperwork claiming I was a drug addict and drunk, that I abused our kids and neglected them, and due to the year of seperation where I was located , he took the kids with no sep agreement then did'nt let me see the kids for months .Then after months of waiting he showed up with my youngest in the car and a div agreement giving me secondary custody , and medical rights. He had my youngest in the car screaming to see me but would not let me touch him . I signed the parers right there , that weekend the kids came to my house . Two weeks later Dad remarried and moved to CA. I've spent the last four years fighting in court little by little to one get him to obey the few rights the D decree did allow me , and two to slowly up my rights little by little . Things are better , but I still have to fight to get the kids when I'm supposed to have them and to make him take care of them instead of shuffling them around with other people . Any way , this is part of it , meanwhile things are okay , but thats all I've got time for today.

[RecordProducer]

Tink, your story is breaking my heart. I just can't believe that someone can be so cruel to you and your children - his own children. He is a terrible father. A good father would never do this to his kids and their mom. Plus, excuse my French, but what do you expect from a military servant but to be violent and insensitive? I have a "soft spot" for anyone who works in this department (and I don't care if anyone here burns me at a stake for saying this; admittedly, exceptions do exist).

 

No matter what little or big mistakes you've made as a mom, don't ever accuse yourself of anything. He is the one who did all the harm to you and your children. You didn't choose to be cut off their lives - he did. Bastard!

 

I wish you to get your kids back and stay with them forever. Do you get to see them occasionally?

[tinktronik]

Tink, your story is breaking my heart. I just can't believe that someone can be so cruel to you and your children - his own children. He is a terrible father. A good father would never do this to his kids and their mom. Plus, excuse my French, but what do you expect from a military servant but to be violent and insensitive? I have a "soft spot" for anyone who works in this department (and I don't care if anyone here burns me at a stake for saying this; admittedly, exceptions do exist).

 

No matter what little or big mistakes you've made as a mom, don't ever accuse yourself of anything. He is the one who did all the harm to you and your children. You didn't choose to be cut off their lives - he did. Bastard!

 

I wish you to get your kids back and stay with them forever. Do you get to see them occasionally?

Every year now I get them for summers , I go to CA on hollidays and sometimes I see them sometimes NO , but it gets better every year .This year I was supposed to have the kids 4 weeks for summer and I got them , but now that they are a bit older I think it scares their dad that they say they want to live with me . So every time they are due to go back , they tell him they don't want to and he gives them another week .Were up to eight weeks right now. Dad's life is very hectic due to military service and an unstable marriage so I've been dropped one kid at a time on very short notice at the front door , but it works . Every year my portion with the kids gets larger , both from my continued dilligance with the courts and not putting up with any crap from the ex. In reality I've found that states don't co-operate with each other , so if I tell dad NO , his state won't do anything and my state is completely on my side. The judge assigned to us in CA likes me very much as I show in court all the way from TX and dad is late from down the street. I also show willingness to parent while dad does not . It is just a matter of time untill I have the kids full time , somewhere in me I have always known this. Thankyou RP.

[blind_otter]

 

B_O, you're talking about a case that's happened once in a Hollywood movie... this is reality and I'm trying to figure out the parents that can feed their kids, change their diapers, put them to sleep every night, clean their puke when they're sick, hold them in their arms, love them, take care of them... and after several years just abandon them. Most pet holders can't even imagine doing this to their pets. But parents do this to their own flesh and blood, to those who desperately need them, and need only them. Did they ever truly love their kids? Or did they love them as much as you love your dog and if you have to dump your violent husband, you'll abandon the dog too, cuz your life is more important than a dog's life, right?

 

Oh please, RP you're not that naieve? Or are you completely unaware of the entire continent of asia and the wars that it has endured throughout the 20th century? And that many many children were abandoned after the tsunami? Give me a break.

 

You sound really judgemental. Why does it matter what other people do in their own lives dealing with situations that you have no concept of? Are you really that bored?

 

People have shyt going on in their lives. Sometimes they are unable to overcome that shyt and they feel their children would be better off with someone else. Sometimes they are dirtbags and they never should have reproduced in the first place.

 

The answer to your question is so complex that psychologists have researched this using carefully constructed studies. I highly doubt you will find an answer on a message board. Beyond that I'm not sure you really want an answer.

 

I do think women are judgemental. That's why I don't tend to associate with them very much. But the ones I do associate with aren't so bad as this. I mean jesus h. christ what the ****.

[blind_otter]

I think it's effing hilarious how you lambast random women you don't know, but suddenly you find out tink is in the same situation you are shaming women about and suddenly it's all, oh your ex is a bad person blah blah blah, you're a good mother, blah blah blah.

 

Isn't it interesting how the opinions change when you have details that you are not privy to? Which is mostly the case with other people's private lives.

[a4a]

People have shyt going on in their lives. Sometimes they are unable to overcome that shyt and they feel their children would be better off with someone else. Sometimes they are dirtbags and they never should have reproduced in the first place.

 

*.

 

Amen....... You may never know why all people may leave their child behind.... perhaps even the parent may know that they are unfit as a parent.

 

Life can throw you all kinds of unexpected bumps that you are not prepared to deal with. I give much more credit to parents that desire their childrens happiness and health over their own selfish need to hold on to them or to bow to societies pressure/ideal that they should keep a child knowing that it is not in the childs best interest to keep that child. I would imagine doing so would be difficult.

[blind_otter]

Amen....... You may never know why all people may leave their child behind.... perhaps even the parent may know that they are unfit as a parent.

 

Life can throw you all kinds of unexpected bumps that you are not prepared to deal with. I give much more credit to parents that desire their childrens happiness and health over their own selfish need to hold on to them or to bow to societies pressure/ideal that they should keep a child knowing that it is not in the childs best interest to keep that child. I would imagine doing so would be difficult.

 

exactly. I can't even think how many parents who are obviously incapable of raising their children keep their kids with the misguided idea that living in poverty without education or opportunity is much better just because they stay with their biological parents.

 

Just because you can reproduce doesn't mean that you automatically know how to parent. I've seen countless people who don't know how to take care of themselves go ahead and cavalierly reproduce like it ain't no thang.

 

I know one girl who just got pregnant. No insurance. No steady job. Married to a bum who doesn't work and sits at home smoking weed all day. No savings. No property. Barely making ends meet. And the pregnancy was planned.

[tinktronik]

It almost always is in the details. And not a lot of people want to hear them.

[a4a]

It almost always is in the details. And not a lot of people want to hear them.

 

It is the automatic judgements.....

 

1. you don't have kids - what is wrong with you? You must be selfish as hell.

2. you don't have custody of your kids...... well read my post on this thread about my biological father..... thank goodness he saw past his own selfish desires tho he was well employed and a very good human.

3. If you do not hold onto your offspring at all costs you are scum regardless of what situation you may be in or that you cannot properly provide for them in a decent manner.

[RecordProducer]

Blind_Otter, as I said twice and will say it for the third time, I was talking about women who slam the doors in their children's noses. I obviously wanted to hear the other sides of the stories.

 

When you're abandoned by a parent of any gender, it hurts. Tink didn't abandon her children, they were taken away from her and she is fighting to get them back. She didn't leave her family to be with some guy leaving her kids to the mercy of random destiny. The father is the one who has restricted mother's love to their children with dirty tricks. If she is not telling the truth... oh well, I can't check it anyway.

 

You are trying to convince me that giving birth to a human being then abandoning it like a coward can be explained by reasons that must exist, but we just can't possibly figure them out. OK, we'll keep guessing until we find some justification and say: "Bravo! You did the right thing for depriving your kids from the most important thing in their lives - mother's love!"

 

Please don't talk about third world countries. I am talking about the United States and societies with a decent living standard. I am talking about women who left their families to be with some guy. You don't leave your children for a guy!!!

 

 

If you do not hold onto your offspring at all costs you are scum regardless of what situation you may be in or that you cannot properly provide for them in a decent manner.

If you ditch your offspring, you're a scum, yes! We're discussing "ditching" here, not feeling forced to leave the kids because you know that you can't possibly raise them (illness, disability, poverty in a third world country), but someone else will give them a lot of love and everything they need.

 

What's "properly provide for them in a decent manner mean"? Provide lots of money? Last time I checked, love was more important to little kids than toys and expensive sneakers. If the father is so good, he will pay child support. And if he wouldn't then he's a scum himself so how can leaving the kids to him be the right thing?

 

My ex left us many times (starting from when the kids were 3 weeks old) until he finally left when they were 2 y.o. At first he was seeing them every day then every other day then he had a period when he didn't see them for 4.5 months without even calling to see if they were OK. They were going to kindergarten and he could go there to see them, but he didn't. When my mom called his boss to tell him that he was not paying child support, my ex went to kindergarten, saw the kids for 5 minutes then later during the day came back with a check for us and gave it to the teacher. She asked if he wanted her to wake up the kids and he said it wasn't necessary. At the same time, he had submitted a request to the center of social work to see the kids cuz - according to him - I didn't let him. That's total BS!

 

What really happened was: he was seeing the kids once a week in that period and one day he called and asked to see them the next day. He talked to my mom and she said "no, you'll see them on Sunday." This was the only time when he was denied to see them (except when they were sick; I've always insisted that the kids should not be deprived from their father). He said he was going hunting on Sundays and he couldn't see the kids then. Actually it was their birthday the next day. He hung up and didn't show up the next day. He didn't even call. But he submitted a request where he claimed he was denied visitations.

 

Fast forward, after the center of social work scheduled his meetings (every other weekend for two days and every Wednesday for 4 hours), he started seeing them almost every day. (now please remember this)

 

Then all of a sudden, he took advantage of some illness they had and I didn't let them go out cuz he never respected any rules, such as no wet clothes in the winter, holding hands in busy streets (they were only 4), no sticks and knives - yes knives! - and dangerous toys, etc.) So he said "Oh, you're not letting me see the kids, huh? Well from now on I will see them exactly as the center of SW scheduled!"

 

So from almost every day, he started seeing them once a week. The funny thing is, he represented it as if I was the one who didn't let him see the kids, just to be able to not see them so often anymore. By the way, he lived about 2 miles from us.

 

Through this whole time, he was claiming that I was a bad mother who didn't give a damn about her kids and my mom and HE took care of the kids. Of course, that's the biggest BS and only makes me laugh, but my point is - how people say whatever they feel like saying. I doubt that he believed that himself, but I do think that he was using any information (e.g. mommy is sleeping, mommy is on the computer) to comfort himself about what a bad mother I am.

 

the truth is I was really working. I was doing gigs at the evenings about once a week on average and I rarely, very rarely traveled for a day or two. I had the opportunity to work from home and spent almost all the time at home. Of course I was splitting the responsibilities with my mom.

 

When I asked him to sign a permission for me to move to the US with the children, he was OK with it and then - after some stupid argument with my mom - he suddenly changed his mind and claimed that he didn't want to live without the kids and said: "I don't care if they cry for their mom, I don't want to cry for them." He said all kinds of BS. Finally it turned out that I didn't need his signature. But he lost the kids. Now they can't go there until they turn 18 because he will keep them. They talk on the phone 1-2 times a week. My husband suggested that he visits the US, that we would pay for his trip and place to stay (which I think is crazy, but hubby is trying to be generous) and the ex refused. He said he didn't want to take anything from anyone.

 

Now he doesn't pay child support anymore (obviously we don't need his peanuts cuz he has no money) so he can collect for a ticket if he doesn't want anyone's mercy... but you know what? I think he is relieved that he can keep his money and not have the responsibility also. Of course he misses them.

 

But mark my word, perhaps we'll all hang out here in 20 years still - I think he will try to use his own sons to send him money some day. He already told me straightforwardly, when he was OK with them moving to the US: "Maybe my sons will be successful some day and bring me over. I have nothing to hold on to here." He also has a daughter from a first marriage on his back.

 

So that was one example of a parent who left his kids and ended up cut off.

 

a4a, you had a smart theory that some women just don't have the mother's instinct but for some reason gave birth to their kids. That was a pretty good explanation. Don't spoil it with BS please!

[Mz. Pixie]

Just because you can reproduce doesn't mean that you automatically know how to parent. I've seen countless people who don't know how to take care of themselves go ahead and cavalierly reproduce like it ain't no thang.

 

 

AMEN AND AMEN.

 

I personally can't understand alot of what happens in the world but because of some of it happening to me it makes it easier.

 

I'd much rather a person give up their child for adoption that keep it and not take care of it, but that's just me.

[blind_otter]

You are trying to convince me that giving birth to a human being then abandoning it like a coward can be explained by reasons that must exist, but we just can't possibly figure them out. OK, we'll keep guessing until we find some justification and say: "Bravo! You did the right thing for depriving your kids from the most important thing in their lives - mother's love!"

 

I'm not trying to convince you of anything. Believe whatever you want to believe, it's no skin off my nose. Not every mother is capable of providing a mother's love. You don't magically develop parenting skills just because you reproduce.

 

Please don't talk about third world countries. I am talking about the United States and societies with a decent living standard. I am talking about women who left their families to be with some guy. You don't leave your children for a guy!!!

 

Ok, cool. Let's just pretend that an entire portion of the world's population that exceeds the entire population of the united states just does not exist. Let's try to discuss a topic, but completely pretend that a huge component of that topic is just invisible. That makes it all nice and neat and now you can bash "horrible" mothers while lauding yourself with hairpats and hugs all around.

 

If you ditch your offspring, you're a scum, yes! We're discussing "ditching" here, not feeling forced to leave the kids because you know that you can't possibly raise them (illness, disability, poverty in a third world country), but someone else will give them a lot of love and everything they need.

 

The topic is called "moms, could you leave your children" which, AFAIK, encompasses both those topics. Insofar as you seem unable to perceive this on your own let me state it clearly. In many cases there are many reasons why mothers abandon their children. Sometimes they are just bad mothers. Other times there are extenuating circumstances and IMO most of the time these are the primary reason for abandoning their children. But there is no clear answer in any event and no one ever truely knows what is going on emotionally with the parent who is for whatever reason incapable of being around their own children.

 

I was watching a bio piece on a comedian who had an estranged father that he met in adolescence. For many years he resent his father's absence. When he later encountered his father he discovered that his father is a vietnam vet with horrible PTSD who could not safely be around children. No one had ever bothered to tell him. He developed a relationship with his father on his own, later in life.

 

What's "properly provide for them in a decent manner mean"? Provide lots of money? Last time I checked, love was more important to little kids than toys and expensive sneakers. If the father is so good, he will pay child support. And if he wouldn't then he's a scum himself so how can leaving the kids to him be the right thing?

 

No, properly providing for them in a decent manner includes many other factors beyond financial support. As a mother, you know this. Don't oversimplify just to state your case.