struggling with life

[Guest]

Hi to all...

 

I am alittle confused about what I should be doing. My husband left me about a month ago. He doesnt call, he only comes over to pick up some of his things. When he does come over he doesnt make any effort to let me know when to expect him. He only stays for a short while. The whole time he is here my stomach is in nots. The one thing that stands out when he does come over is his things, he doesnt seem to take everything, just alittle at time. His tools, alot of clothes, shoes, motorcycle, and junk is still here. The only things he tooked was his kids, a few clothes and his precious fish tank.

 

Let me tell you about his fish tanks. In the last 6-7 months my husband has invested his time and money into salt water tanks. His dream was to have a coral tank. Well he's got it. I think in the past 6-7 months he has spent about $2,000 or more on fish stuff. Of course that caused alot of problems in our relationship. Its silly to say that "problems over fish stuff" sounds stupid (we had more problems then this, the biggest problem was trying to combine a blended family together). When he would come home from work the first thing he would do is go to the basement, I call it seaworld. Dont get the wrong impression, I enjoyed his fish tanks, I like looking at them. I really didnt see a problem with it until he would spend every minute he was at home looking inside a fish tank, and I mean for hours. There was never enough time for me or the kids.

 

The kids--- let me tell you, there was 5 of them 2 his and 3 mine. All teenagers. His kids and mine seem to get along up until his kids came to live with us. And then the trouble started, his kids could do no wrong. My husband seemed to have double standard rules. The rules for his kids and my kids were very different. It was like we had two different families in one house. Life was very stressful. I seemed to be taking care of all the kids, making sure they were doing what they were suppose. Taking care of everyone's needs to best of my ability. Look this guy only had to give up a little bit of his work check I did the rest, made sure the bills were payed on time, grocery's, I even worked outside the house and went to school. The biggest thing he could never do, is appreciate what I did for him. Instead when he left, he said he did everything. What a slap in my face, he thinks I didnt do anything.

 

Alot of my family and friends just dont understand why I am so upset about him leaving. I couldnt sleep, I cry all the time, I couldnt stop talking about him. I missed him. My life doesnt feel complete with out him. Ive been hearing from my family and friends that their someone better out there for me, just let him go. Easier said then done. I love him.

 

It gets hardier and hardier to talk to him, it seems I do all the talking and of course the only thing I want to talk about is us. I dont know what else to say to him, sure maybe talk about the weather or something but that even gets old. I sometimes he gives me the impression that we were never in a relationship at all, I never really mattered or something. How can someone move forward in life and forget about the other person (we have been married almost 10 years). I cant get him out of my thoughts, my heart. I just dont know what to do. There is a part of me that thinks maybe this is for the best. I just dont know...

 

I dont want to give up on us. I have faith we can work this out, but the biggest problem is I am still doing all the work. I call him, I go see him. It takes two to have a relationship, but my relationship seems to have one person. How can I tell if he really cares, or even wants to work this out.

[Gunny376]

Right now? Sorry! I've got to get up, and get "tha 'get~down' feelin' and boggie my bombasity out tha' door to work!

 

I'm just really posting to 'bump' you to the top of the page~

 

Guns

[quankanne]

It sounds like you could use a big hug right about now --> HUG ...

 

from what you've described, it sounds like mentally, he left the relationship a long time ago, but just now got around to getting out of the house. Until he gives signs that he wants to make your relationship work, as hard as this is, you are probably better off looking at it as the end, because it doesn't sound like he wants to come back. I could be wrong, though.

 

the only thing you can do is pick up what pieces you can and move forward, start living a life without him. If, at some later point, he says he wants to try again, do what your heart feels is best, but for now, you've got to start rebuilding you before you do anything else.

 

prolly not what you're hoping to hear, I know, but it's time to start making yourself strong again.

 

more hugs,

quank

[Lor]

Hey there. First off, you are not alone in this. There are a lot of people on this site going thru the same thing. You'll be amazed at how many are feeling the same things you are feeling. Follow the advice you get on here--it does work and LS is a huge hug of support.

 

Go ahead, cry. Scream, rage, whatever you need to do but a) don't do it front of the kids and b) don't do it in front of your H.

 

Quit talking to him about your relationship, no matter how hard that may be. Quit going to see him unless its to see the kids and then I'd say to take them elsewhere. Don't call, don't email, don't text. Let him know you would appreciate it if he would let you know before he comes to pick things up in case you have something you are going to be doing. Check out the Do's and Don'ts of what to do in a separation. There are several postings on here that list them. And follow thru. It will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but you will have to do it. For yourself. Right now, quit worrying about him and worry about yourself. By chasing after him you are only making yourself miserable and honestly, its not having the effect you want. How do I know? Cuz I did the same blasted thing for a year with no effect--I couldn't learn my lesson.

 

You'll need to be more specific on what kind of problems you two had in your M. Leaving over a fishtank sounds a little fishy (sorry couldn't resist) . There has to be more to it than that.

[Gunny376]

The following is the list that Lor was referring to, orginally posted (to my knowledge) by Lady Jane.

 

LOL! Lor and I know it works, because she and I did everything it said not to do and didn't do everything it says to do!

 

Hope it helps.

 

 

Lady Jane wrote

 

"I'll post the list of 180's for you. Personally, I think they ought to be used with honesty, but that's just me. IMO, the relationship isn't a game...and there's nothing less attractive than game-playing. So, consider the information carefully and use the ones that feel right to you.

 

Quote:

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

 

2. No frequent phone calls

 

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

 

4. Do not follow him around the house

 

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

 

6. Do not ask for help from family members

 

7. Do not ask for reassurances

 

8. Do not buy gifts

 

9. Do not schedule dates together

 

10. Do not spy on spouse

 

11. Do not say "I Love You"

 

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

 

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

 

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

 

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

 

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

 

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

 

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

 

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

 

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

 

21. Never lose your cool

 

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

 

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

 

24. Be patient

 

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

 

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

 

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

 

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

 

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

 

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

 

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

 

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

 

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

 

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

 

 

You might also read a copy of The Five Love Languages by Chapman. I think it'll help you to identify what some of the problems might've been within the relationship.

[Guest]

The list of 34 things not to do, hmmm sounds very hard to do. In my relationship I would do all the work. I would say, I took care of him, he didnt take care of me. I took on all the responsibilities, why he got the glory. I can say all his friends were alittle jealous. He pretty much got to do whatever he wanted, like quit a job whenever he felt like, hay why not my wife will take care of things, why take the garbage out her son should be doing that, why take care of my dirty clothes my wife washes them she can do it, what I am out of cream and sugar for my coffee that women better go to the store and get me some or its war... the list goes on..............

 

One year I wanted new carpet for our house, and lets just say he wasnt interested. Well as far as I was concerned as along as I paid for it why not get it, I want it and thought it would make our house look better. Well after a few months of saving, I got the new carpet, well lets just say everytime he gets angry with me he throws it in my face that I bought carpet we didnt need, its been over 4 years. Now keep in mind neither one of us tell each other how to spend our money, as long as the bills are paid, I always felt you do what you want with your money and I will do the same as long as it is legal. Trust me this guy had it made.

 

Ive hear people talk about sex... I think that was the only thing we really could do with each other that we both liked. Our sex life was good, it could of been better. I think that because I liked to have sex alot, he didnt. That is one thing I miss alot about him, our alone time in the bedroom holding, kissing, touching, making it happen.

 

Letting go is just to hard do, but sometimes I ask myself, why do you even want him back, he was almost like one of the kids. But I love him..