brooklyn Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 Hey. I just found this site and could really use some outside perspectives. My GF and I have been together for 3 months. During that time, she has continually been harrassed by her ex-BF, who calls her cellphone all the time. She has repeatedly promised me that she wont speak to him because everytime they speak she gets really angry and eventually takes it out on me. They were together for 2 years or so, but he was abusive and violent to her. He was also her only source of painkillers, which he got her addicted to and uses to bait her into his company (he does not use pills at all). When he calls her cellphone, he always blocks his number so that it shows as private. She cant block his number because he always calls from private. She wont change her cell because she is self employed, and she has had that number on her business cards for over 4 years. She feels that changing her number will cost her lost business, and I agree that it will. Unfortunately, she cant seem to stop answering his calls. Not every call, but about once a week she will answer. She says it is because she wants pills from him, and I believe her. Last week, he called her right as we were about to make love. It ruined the entire mood for her, but she didnt say so until after we had made love. She couldnt orgasm because of this. I got upset with her because I am tired of having to share her attention with this ******* who abused her and terrorized her. After that, he called again right as we were sitting down to dinner on a date, and I got really upset and yelled at her in public. We fought for the rest of the weekend. I guess I should also reveal that in the first month we knew each other, she was seeing him behind my back, and deceiving me about it. She admitted that she slept with him 3 times. We were not committed to each other but she knew she was doing me wrong regardless. I forgave her for those mistakes and she promised me she didnt want to be with her ex. Anyway, I saw her last night and she didnt give me any affection while we were together. I got upset with her and told her why. She told me I expected too much from her, and that she was in "chill mode" with me; that it was going to take her time to open up to me again. I asked her how she could shut her love for me off like that, and she said she just could because of the hurt in her past. I told her I didnt believe she loved me, because she is unwilling to apologize for breaking her promises to me about not speaking to her ex and I felt she needed to accept responsibility for her mistakes. She refused to say she was sorry. She said she is sick of listening to me complain and nag her about ****, and she just doesnt care about us anymore. I left saying I didnt want to be in love with someone who cant take responsibility for their own actions. She said "Then dont!". I have been in many relationships, and I know that I love this woman like no other. But I dont know what to do. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 Run like hell, dude. Run like hell and thank god that you're getting out while the getting is still good...before you lose any more of your heart to someone who is going to continually keep stomping all over it. Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 First of all, IMHO you did the right thing by forgiving her for sleeping with her ex because neither of you had any expectation of exclusivity. Well done; I personally don't know if I could have done that, but maybe I just don't have the strength of character you do. But - there's always a "but," isn't there? - I concur with norajane. I think you're just asking for trouble with this particular woman. Even if it isn't something she wishes, she's got a steamer-trunk full of baggage that keeps rearing it's ugly head, and I get the sense that it isn't going to go away anytime soon. You're not a martyr, you're not her therapist, you're not responsible for how she lives her life. Sad to say, but if you and her stay together, IMHO you will really, really regret it. Link to post Share on other sites
SoCalCatman72 Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 IMO, this woman is an addict. Either addicted to the painkillers, or addicted to the abuse. Either way, she needs to make herself whole, before she can truly share herself with anyone else. RUN FORREST RUN..... Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 To quote above, run like hell. You aren't Captain Save a Ho, and you aren't deserving of her abuse. You can't save everyone. Perhaps you dumping her will get her to realize what she's doing to herself and how bad her "ex" is. To me, its only a matter of time before you end up in trouble because of her problems. Worst case scenario, you become an excuse she uses to get out of legal trouble. At best, you're likely to be a rebound relationship, given her sleeping with the ex while dating you (even if you werent exclusive). Thats just not conducive to building up a trusting relationship IMHO. Offer her help/support in kicking the pain pills but get away from her post haste romantically and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 There are so many red flags flapping in the wind that I would suggest get out now before you get in any deeper. This girl is going to cause you nothing but trouble and drama Link to post Share on other sites
john2776 Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 I love it when everyone agrees. RUN Link to post Share on other sites
Author brooklyn Posted August 4, 2006 Author Share Posted August 4, 2006 UPDATE Thanks to all that posted. She called me yesterday from her cell, which now has a new phone number. She and I both apologized to each other and the conversation ended with mutual "love you". But reading your responses reminded me of some important facts I might have lost sight of, and I appreciate that. I'm a big boy, I can handle it. One thing I notice now is I feel a lot less enthusiastic about her and about our commitment. I am not her therapist, and I am definitely not Captain Save a Ho. Funny **** is, I'm the one who is in "chill mode" with her now. For someone who has repeatedly expressed her desire to be in a complimentary not competative relationship, she doesnt seem to get the point. What she doesnt know about me is that I am stronger-willed and more stubborn than her and I can let go of someone who is ****ing with me and not look back in a heartbeat. I hope it never comes to that, because I really do love this girl with all my heart and I believe in her and our love, which I've never really felt before. Link to post Share on other sites
SoCalCatman72 Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 What she doesnt know about me is that I am stronger-willed and more stubborn than her and I can let go of someone who is ****ing with me and not look back in a heartbeat. I hope it never comes to that, because I really do love this girl with all my heart and I believe in her and our love, which I've never really felt before. That's a very healthy attitude to have. Sometime you have to let someone go, because you love them so much and can't stand to see them continue to hurt themselves or allow them to hurt you any longer. I am definitely not Captain Save a Ho. OMG this line is so hilarious. :laugh::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 Brooklyn, I sure hope you are not kidding yourself in terms of having this new attitude towards her and you. The more time you spend with her the more your heart will feel for her. I have been in the same situation and my ex gf said all the right things to my face in terms of not wanting to be with an ex that she was with for four years months prior to her and I becoming a couple. This ex called her all the time, threatened suicide and committed physical violence on me. In the end, it did not matter as she went back to him at least three times behind my back and simply did not see the issues it was causing between us. She was still living with the baggage of her ex and her and was not ready to commit to making she and I a priority. I say this as you are in the same situation and the best move would be to let her go and resolve all these issues without you. If not, being with you will always bring back memories of her ex while she is with you, whether good or bad. Don't be like me as my heart is broken and it will take a long time to repair I am sure. Link to post Share on other sites
mscmkr Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 GET OUT OF THIS NOW!!!!! shes addicted to pills and her ex. she is nowhere near being ready for anything right now. she is going to do nothing but pound you into oblivian. you only thinking your in "chill mode" with her but your not. saying that you are in love with her like no other tells me that. you are not in love with her. like her, your addicted. to her, to the game, to trying to save her. the whole thing. the harder someone makes it the more we want them. and this is not something that only women do. men do the same thing. your fighting to win her. that fight in and of itself keeps you wanting her. this feels like love but its not. its addiction. GET AWAY FROM HER AND DO IT NOW. she is going to do damage to you if you dont. and i dont mean physically, (although this is very possible). she will mess you up mentaly. and it will happen. GET OUT!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Quinch Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Dude, you can do a lot better than this. There are thousands of girls who don't screw around with their exes behind your back and are more deserving of your love. Do yourself a huge favour and *get out* before you get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 I wouldn't tolerate her casual drug use. Pain pills make people wacko - horrible mood swings, and freak outs when they run out of pills. I know, I used to be addicted to them and it was really difficult to quit. More difficult than quitting alcohol. I'm just saying. Link to post Share on other sites
littlepiggy1 Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 You've only been with her for 3 months and there are plenty of danger signs already. Therefore, if there was ever a time to get out of the relationship, it's now. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 This reminds me of a guy I was dating a little while back (only he'd just quit drinking and his ex was a raging alcholic). I too felt about him like I'd never felt about anyone before. It was really screwed up, and looking back, I should have stepped aside and told him to give me a call when he'd gotten his act together. We would have avoided all the drama and heartache. I think that's what you should do. Tell this woman that you care about her but can't have a romatic relationship until she's through with her ex and working on kicking the addiction to pain pills. Link to post Share on other sites
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