always running away

[manny]

i've been with this lady for about two yrs now and just recently found out that when we get into an arguement, large, medium or small that her first instinct is to leave me. this shocked me and hurt me as well, she says she loves me in her heart,but in her mind the first thought is to always run away when something happens. she says she has not always been this way and she don't know when, how or why she got this way either. i don't know how i can help her either, any ideas on how to deal with this? i would love to marry her but she is afraid to commit to anything, even buying a car, or joining a health club, she is plain afraid of commitment.

[Raven]

I cant imagine a woman "running" when you bring up a joint gym membership after dating for 2 years unless someone in her past has hurt her very badly. In my opinion, the fear of commitment usually is derived from a painful past experience. If she loves you, and you have this long of a history, she shouldnt want to run away from you but to you.....I would get more details from her..........Do you know how her last relationship ended?

i've been with this lady for about two yrs now and just recently found out that when we get into an arguement, large, medium or small that her first instinct is to leave me. this shocked me and hurt me as well, she says she loves me in her heart,but in her mind the first thought is to always run away when something happens. she says she has not always been this way and she don't know when, how or why she got this way either. i don't know how i can help her either, any ideas on how to deal with this? i would love to marry her but she is afraid to commit to anything, even buying a car, or joining a health club, she is plain afraid of commitment.

[manny]

i guess i didn't make myself real clear here. when she wants to run is when we get into an argurement or disagreement or any kind of conflict. i do know she has been in abusive relationship but that was years ago, we are both older people here not kids or young adults.

 

i'm just surprised to find this out that when we do get into a disagreement she wants to leave me, she has never done so, she says it just comes to to mind "to flee", she feels the need to get away from me and the situation. the fact that she has not left is a good sigh, she says she loves me alot but in her mind she is always leaving me when things go awry. i want to help her, but i don't know what to do or say to her to make her feel more secure. i try to tell her that argueing and or disagreeing is just a part of a relationship, since it don't happen all that often anyway, but it does happen. maybe it is nothing to worry about since she hasn't left, and she does love me, she is just terrified of commitment, she says she feels trapped and unable to get out with a commitment, yet she is fully committed to me. and i don't know if i made any sense or if i'm babbling here but i only want to help her. the part of the gym and car thing is just an example of how commitment phobic she is, when i got her a cell phone with a year contract for the whole year she could not wait until the contract was up so she didn't have it hanging over her head. maybe that is just normal for some people?

I cant imagine a woman "running" when you bring up a joint gym membership after dating for 2 years unless someone in her past has hurt her very badly. In my opinion, the fear of commitment usually is derived from a painful past experience. If she loves you, and you have this long of a history, she shouldnt want to run away from you but to you.....I would get more details from her..........Do you know how her last relationship ended?

[Raven]

It wasnt intentional........maybe she is just commitment-phobic like you said. I can imagine how this hurts your feelings, it would hurt mine as well. Talking things out calmly and cordially may be a good start, what do you think?

i guess i didn't make myself real clear here. when she wants to run is when we get into an argurement or disagreement or any kind of conflict. i do know she has been in abusive relationship but that was years ago, we are both older people here not kids or young adults. i'm just surprised to find this out that when we do get into a disagreement she wants to leave me, she has never done so, she says it just comes to to mind "to flee", she feels the need to get away from me and the situation. the fact that she has not left is a good sigh, she says she loves me alot but in her mind she is always leaving me when things go awry. i want to help her, but i don't know what to do or say to her to make her feel more secure. i try to tell her that argueing and or disagreeing is just a part of a relationship, since it don't happen all that often anyway, but it does happen. maybe it is nothing to worry about since she hasn't left, and she does love me, she is just terrified of commitment, she says she feels trapped and unable to get out with a commitment, yet she is fully committed to me. and i don't know if i made any sense or if i'm babbling here but i only want to help her. the part of the gym and car thing is just an example of how commitment phobic she is, when i got her a cell phone with a year contract for the whole year she could not wait until the contract was up so she didn't have it hanging over her head. maybe that is just normal for some people?