can't get naked with bf of 1 1/2 years!

[confusedincal]

Hey everyone

 

I'm hoping someone can offer me some advice.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for over 1 1/2 years and I have only been naked with him once during sex

(I should mention he never compliments me or makes any attempt to get me naked... hmmm maybe thats why!!)

..... I had one child before I started dated him and I guess I'm a little insecure about my flaws ( I got some stretch marks on my hips and thighs)... I constantly find myself comparing myself to other 23 year olds who haven't had children... which is dumb I know.

The really stupid part is that in EVERY other previous relationship (after I had my son) I never had an issue getting naked... even on one night stands (which I'm not proud of!)....

So why is it that I would be so incredibley insecure with this guy?... and how can I get over it so we can start having great sex?

Advice from guys would also be really appreciated as I'd like to know their view on women who have flaws and how they really see it....

 

Thanks

[Shyguy86]

Trust me on this one. He really wont mind if you get naked!

[norajane]

The really stupid part is that in EVERY other previous relationship (after I had my son) I never had an issue getting naked...

 

So why is it that I would be so incredibley insecure with this guy?

 

This guy, or something about your relationship with this guy, is making you insecure.

(I should mention he never compliments me or makes any attempt to get me naked... hmmm maybe thats why!!)

 

Yep, this is a big part of it. There are probably other things he is saying/doing or not saying/not doing that contribute to your insecurity. Does he ogle other women? Does he make comments about other women and how they look? Does he monitor what you eat or make comments about your weight?

 

I think it's odd that he has never tried to get you naked. Like, really, really strange. Like, I've never even heard of a man who's been having sex with someone for over a year who doesn't want to see her naked.

 

How is your sex life? Do you enjoy it? Is there foreplay? Does he go down on you? Does HE get naked?

[stoopid_guy]

Advice from guys would also be really appreciated as I'd like to know their view on women who have flaws and how they really see it....

 

Are there any flawless women out there? Are there any flawless men out there?

 

Personal opinion: Assuming a lady's healthy, about the only thing that matters about her body is how she reacts when it's kissed and carressed.

 

I agree with NJ, can't imagine being sexually interested in someone and not wanting to get her out of her clothes.

 

Confidence is sexy. A guy should be complimenting the lady to make her feel secure, confident, and sexy.

[Trimmer]

Advice from guys would also be really appreciated as I'd like to know their view on women who have flaws and how they really see it....

I know I'm not the first one to have said this, but if a woman looks at herself naked in a mirror she immediately thinks about all kinds of perceived "flaws": overall size, overall shape, specific imperfections, my breasts are unbalanaced, my hips are too wide, stretch marks, this thing, that thing, another thing.

 

When a man sees a naked woman, he immediately thinks... "Hey, cool - there's a naked woman!"

 

And you know what, this really isn't that much of an exaggeration.

 

Like NJ and SG, I am also interested in the relationship dynamic where in which you've never had your clothes off, and he's never tried to get them off? Does he express tenderness, interest in sex, interest in whether you are enjoying sex? I, too, am mystified - as a man, I can imagine a woman being uneasy with her body - I think some of that is programmed in - but lordy! I would be as charming and convincing and genuine as I could and try to make her as comfortable as possible to make it safe to expose herself, because that's a big part of sex for me...

 

Do you trust him, emotionally? We could go all psychoanalytic here and ask whether we are getting into an area where avoiding exposing yourself during sex is some kind of protective thing that is symbolic of not wanting to open up and trust him emotionally within your relationship...

 

I like norajane's questions - I think we need to know more about the emotional texture of your relationship, and also about the sex - what is your experience, what do you perceive of his experience, etc... What is different about this relationship (from others you've had where this wasn't an issue) that might relate?

 

You've asked for advice from men on "women with flaws"... Really, what are yours? You've mentioned stretch marks. To me it doesn't sound like you are a woman with flaws, it sounds like you are a real person. Many of us men, in spite of all our bad press, fully expect women to be "real" when they reveal themselves, and we know that we are equally "real" with our clothes off. Part of what makes sex an emotionally connecting experience is the mutual trust and acceptance of that realness.

 

So tell us more about your relationship and this man...

[loveinlife]

Yep, a naked woman is very sexy. Guys don't really pay attention to the minor details. We just think, wow, I'll have some great sex!

[P1xie]

( I got some stretch marks on my hips and thighs)

 

Have you tried to cover them up. Not for his benefit but for your own, so maybe you would feel a little more confident. Try Derma-blend. My sister-law got stretch marks down her belly after having here third child and she swears by this cover-up.

[stoopid_guy]

Have you tried to cover them up. Not for his benefit but for your own, so maybe you would feel a little more confident. Try Derma-blend. My sister-law got stretch marks down her belly after having here third child and she swears by this cover-up.

Bleh! Don't cover up! Nothing worse than "exploring" and tasting something unexpected. (Just my opinion.)

[P1xie]

I don't want to be mean or rude here, just honest. The fact is that if 99% of men were to be given a picture of a naked woman from the neck down and one woman had flawless (or airbrushed skin) and the other had blemishes which one would the guy pick???

 

You can say that blemishes are fine, that being overweight is fine, being too thin is fine but here is an example, your at the beach and making comments about the "Beach Whales", and your girl is overweight. What is she going to think of herself and what you really think of her. As I see stated all the time men are visual creatures, so how can a woman feel not feel a little subconcious of her flaws or blemishes.

 

Like I said cover them up for yourself. Or use a dimmer light, black light (that's how the dancers look so good), or candles. Strip down for him and see if acts differently. Maybe he senses you don't feel comfortable with yourself and does not want to push you. You can' feel comfortable with him until you feel comfortable with yourself.

[norajane]

Maybe he senses you don't feel comfortable with yourself and does not want to push you. You can' feel comfortable with him until you feel comfortable with yourself.

 

From what she said, she didn't feel so uncomfortable being naked with a man until she started seeing this guy. She didn't have any trouble getting naked with anyone else after the birth of her child, and they, apparently, didn't have any issues with her body.

 

I'd hate for this guy to give you a complex, confusedincal. It sounds like he's the one with the issues, not you. Don't let him make you feel bad about anything.

[P1xie]

Your right norajane. I missed that part. I thought she was saying she was comfortable until after she had her child, but she does state that she has been with other guys besides him after she had her child.

 

Here I am being nice saying maybe he's just not pressuring her because he knew she felt uncomfortable.

[norajane]

Your right norajane. I missed that part. I thought she was saying she was comfortable until after she had her child, but she does state that she has been with other guys besides him after she had her child.

 

Here I am being nice saying maybe he's just not pressuring her because he knew she felt uncomfortable.

 

No worries.

 

I, on the other hand, am sitting here being very un-nice and imagining this man must be gay...only a gay man wouldn't ever try to see his woman naked. Maybe confused will come back and tell us, no, he doesn't go down on her, and he doesn't ogle women, but he does ogle men...

[scrybe74]

I don't want to be mean or rude here, just honest. The fact is that if 99% of men were to be given a picture of a naked woman from the neck down and one woman had flawless (or airbrushed skin) and the other had blemishes which one would the guy pick???

 

You can say that blemishes are fine, that being overweight is fine, being too thin is fine but here is an example, your at the beach and making comments about the "Beach Whales", and your girl is overweight. What is she going to think of herself and what you really think of her. As I see stated all the time men are visual creatures, so how can a woman feel not feel a little subconcious of her flaws or blemishes.

 

Like I said cover them up for yourself. Or use a dimmer light, black light (that's how the dancers look so good), or candles. Strip down for him and see if acts differently. Maybe he senses you don't feel comfortable with yourself and does not want to push you. You can' feel comfortable with him until you feel comfortable with yourself.

 

I get what your saying Pixie but the fact is that women are FAR more critical of themselves then men are. In my experience and in my opinion when a man really has a problem with his woman's appearance or physique...the average guy would just tell her. HOW he tells her may be good or bad but most guys are pretty direct about it. And I agree with the other poster that most guys simply see a naked body and get excited (at the basic level). There are other things to consider like emotions, love, intimacy that make your woman more than just a 'naked body' and you began to love her little 'flaws'. You're right that if a man were to see an air brushed perfected body next to one which is overweight or had stretch marks he'd get excited about the 'perfect body' but in real life you don't have a playboy playmate get up next to your wife or gf evertime she strips nor do you have those images playing in your mind. Fantasy is just fantasy. Most men would take a real woman over a fantasy one when it comes to a relationship anyday.

[stoopid_guy]

The fact is that if 99% of men were to be given a picture of a naked woman from the neck down and one woman had flawless (or airbrushed skin) and the other had blemishes which one would the guy pick???

 

I'm guessing you intended that as a rhetorical question, and all other things being equal, of course it would be the flawless one.

 

The thing is that all other things are never equal, and I doubt many women are flawless (I've never seen one, at any rate.)

 

Now if you stand an average looking woman and a swimsuit model in front of me, which am I going to pay the most attention to? Which is the most attractive? The one most likely to be cuddled up next to me later.

[Pink Amulet]

Awww

[Trimmer]

I don't want to be mean or rude here, just honest. The fact is that if 99% of men were to be given a picture of a naked woman from the neck down and one woman had flawless (or airbrushed skin) and the other had blemishes which one would the guy pick???

Fair point, and a fair question, but let me clarify the question a little bit: which one would I pick for what? Do you mean which picture would I pick to look at for the next few minutes (sure, just like a woman would do, I would probably pick the more apparently flawless one.) Or do you mean if they were there in the flesh, which one would I pick to invite home and cook dinner for? The one who shows an interest in me. (Which is kind of just a restatement of stoopid-guy's answer of "the one most likely to be cuddled up next to me later.")

 

And, c'mon - with the same test - two pictures of men, one "real", one apparently flawless - would the answer be any different for 99% of women?

 

You can say that blemishes are fine, that being overweight is fine, being too thin is fine but here is an example, your at the beach and making comments about the "Beach Whales", and your girl is overweight. What is she going to think of herself and what you really think of her. As I see stated all the time men are visual creatures, so how can a woman feel not feel a little subconcious of her flaws or blemishes.

Well, you put in in terms of "my" girl, and "me" making comments, so I'll answer for myself: I just don't make those kinds of comments. And that's one of the reasons that my (thus far hypothetical) girl is comfortable around me.

 

My point here is that when it's you and me naked in the bedroom (or the kitchen, or the hot tub, or the living room, or....) I'm not comparing you with other women; I'm living my own little fantasy with you right there in real time.

 

I, on the other hand, am sitting here being very un-nice and imagining this man must be gay...only a gay man wouldn't ever try to see his woman naked. Maybe confused will come back and tell us, no, he doesn't go down on her, and he doesn't ogle women, but he does ogle men...

Yeah, I want to know more about the dynamic here. What is it about this man that is so different? Something just seems off...

[P1xie]

Fair point, and a fair question, but let me clarify the question a little bit: which one would I pick for what? Do you mean which picture would I pick to look at for the next few minutes (sure, just like a woman would do, I would probably pick the more apparently flawless one.) Or do you mean if they were there in the flesh, which one would I pick to invite home and cook dinner for? The one who shows an interest in me. (Which is kind of just a restatement of stoopid-guy's answer of "the one most likely to be cuddled up next to me later.")

 

And, c'mon - with the same test - two pictures of men, one "real", one apparently flawless - would the answer be any different for 99% of women?

Probably not. The reason I made this comment is because I wanted people to be honest. Not say that they don't notice flaws. People get their insecurities about themselves from somewhere. Doesn't have to be a SO, it could be their parents the media etc. I'm not man bashing here. I talking about reality. The reality is that if men or women could take a magic marker and wash away flaws, add bigger boobs, bigger penis to their SO they would.

 

Well, you put in in terms of "my" girl, and "me" making comments, so I'll answer for myself: I just don't make those kinds of comments. And that's one of the reasons that my (thus far hypothetical) girl is comfortable around me.

Maybe her man isn't so kind and that is why she feels insecure. She hasn't replied.

[Outcast]

P1xie, I think you do humans a disservice. It's sad to me to think that people actually think their worth is in their appearance.

 

Probably not. The reason I made this comment is because I wanted people to be honest. Not say that they don't notice flaws. People get their insecurities about themselves from somewhere. Doesn't have to be a SO, it could be their parents the media etc. I'm not man bashing here. I talking about reality. The reality is that if men or women could take a magic marker and wash away flaws, add bigger boobs, bigger penis to their SO they would.

 

I don't think so. You love the body of the person you love because it's the body of the person you love. And frankly, 'bigger penis' means 'cervix bump' and 'more to choke on when doing oral' to me.

[Pink Amulet]

Haha, also my ex prefered smaller breasts *scowl* So I am going to disagree too

 

I agree with Outcast. Looks fade, you are going to have to find something else to grasp too....

[P1xie]

P1xie, I think you do humans a disservice. It's sad to me to think that people actually think their worth is in their appearance.

 

I really don't understand why you are saying that??? I have not implied that I personally think appearance is the most important. It is a fact that it is to a lot of people and to act like it's not is a fantasy. Some people love for what is inside others love the superficial.

 

I can't say appearances it's not important because you do have to have an a physical attraction to a person. If you really love a person their appearance is really not a factor. Obviously something is a factor or she wouldn't feel so insecure about being naked.

[Trimmer]

...frankly, 'bigger penis' means 'cervix bump' and 'more to choke on when doing oral' to me.

Well there, P1xie - you wanted honest... Good to know that those of us with more average stature may actually be appreciated in some quarters...

 

The reason I made this comment is because I wanted people to be honest. Not say that they don't notice flaws.

But "noticing" the way someone looks, in all of her realness, is different from making an issue out of it in a way that creates a "flaw" and reflects back and becomes a source of insecurity. I'm trying to be totally, brutally honest with myself, and when I think back to the women I've been with (and believe me, there are no swimsuit models, no magazine centerfolds in this modestly-sized group), I honestly can't remember noticing a physical attribute of anyone I've been with as a "flaw" or imperfection. I see them as they are, but I don't go over them with a "flaw" rubber stamp to mark trouble zones. My memory of the women in my life (in the context of sex - this isn't my entire image of them) is as beautiful, naked, sexually attractive people. I open myself up to ridicule asking this, but am I that unusual in this regard?

 

People get their insecurities about themselves from somewhere.... Maybe her man isn't so kind and that is why she feels insecure. She hasn't replied.

I'm with you there, especially in view of the fact that it has been different with this man than with others....

[Trimmer]

Haha, also my ex prefered smaller breasts *scowl* So I am going to disagree too

P_A, do you mean that he actually expressed to you that he preferred smaller breasts than yours? Or that he felt yours are smaller than average and he liked that? Hmmm, probably neither one of those is something a partner would enjoy hearing.

 

I guess I can't imagine saying to a partner "here is something I would change about your physical appearance, because I prefer it different than you are," whether you say it explicitly, or communicate it in some other way (like pointing out and commenting on an obviously different attribute in other women.)

[P1xie]

Haha, also my ex prefered smaller breasts *scowl* So I am going to disagree too

 

So I guess your ex would have to use a Magic Eraser on you

[P1xie]

But "noticing" the way someone looks, in all of her realness, is different from making an issue out of it in a way that creates a "flaw" and reflects back and becomes a source of insecurity.

 

That is what I think is going on with the OP. She has a specific flaw that she was not insecure with before this guy and now she is. Why? He had to of not been "oh I'm just happy I am with a naked girl". I bet he pointed it out and made a rude comment.

[Outcast]

Maybe he has a thing for having sex with garments in the way.