I can't stand feeling like this anymore (for those who don't mind a bit of a read)

[lovestruck234]

OK...

 

 

I have a feeling this is going to be a long thread.

 

First of all, hey everyone. I wasn't here yesterday and you don't realise how much you miss in a day! I missed you all!

 

 

 

Alirght. Here's my problem. Now, if anyone has cared to do a little research onme they will know that it was my bf's birthday yesterday...

 

So I stayed at his house and woke up with him on his birthday morning. It was lovely to wake up to his face (and his pillow covered in drool). Lol

 

The morning was great, he opened all the presents I got him (which were alot!) and loved all of them. We layed in bed for a while and just kissed and cuddled. Ah bliss!

 

Ok, cut out the rest of day, it went fine. For dinner that night we went out with Myself, Rhys (bf), my Mum, Rhys' Mum, Dad and Sister, his Nan and Pop and my sister, Carly.

 

The reason I included Carly's name is because she's the main person for this thread. Carly and Rhys went out about 2 or 3 years ago, on and off for ages. It didn't bother me at the time cos I wasn't really close to Rhys then. Rhys and his family live up the road from me, and our families have been good friends for about 6 - 7 yrs.

 

Now the fact that they went out, bothers me. Mainly because of how protective I am of him. Did anyone read my post "I was just having a bit of a daydream" ? You'll know how crazy I am bout him if you read that.

 

And I'm going to admit it, I have a big nasty green-eyed monster in me. I get real jealous and insecure with other girls and Rhys.

 

Last night at dinner, I know this is silly, but I made sure that Rhys wasn't sitting next to Carly. I didn't want him to. She is the biggest flirt! Put it this way, Carly is quite well-known by the opposite sex. She sleeps around a bit. And I get intimidated by that when she's near Rhys.

 

And last night she was the worst offender for it. At one stage when there was a spare seat next to Rhys she came over and gave him a big hug, ran her fingers through his hair and gave him a kiss!

 

Rhys is the type of guy that wouldn't know you were flirting with him if it hit him in the face. He's a pretty "oblivious" guy to this sort of thing. So the fact that carly would of known that, really pissed me off.

 

I was so uptight all night and couldn't help but show it a little. He asked me a few times what was wrong. I kept saying nothing, I didn't want to ruin his night. I tried my very best to put on a happy face. I really did.

 

Then when it was time to leave, Rhys and I walked out the door and to the car (btw: all of us got a lift with Rhys' mum and dad, we were all in the same car). Rhys and I were sitting in the car just cuddling cos it was cold outside. They have a Land Cruiser 7 seater, and on the way there me and Rhys' sister sat in the back, and I was hoping to sit in the middle on the way back with Rhys. It looked that way to start off with, but then Carly came over to the car and says this "Tess, get in the back, your smaller than me, you can fit, I've got heels on, get in the back". So I did without arguement and all the while I had to sit there on the way home, grit my teeth and hold back my tears watching her flirt and snuggle up to Rhys the WHOLE WAY HOME. Oh my GOD!! I was so full of anger and sadness it wasn't funny.

 

When we got home I was sitting talking with Rhys. I didn't want to bring it up, I'm the type of person to bottle up feelings, but I just couldn't hold back. I asked him about it and he said "Tess, what?? We're just friends! I'm not into her anymore, that was a long time ago! Really, she doesn't appeal to me at all!"

 

I understood but sort of, he should put himself in my shoes. Imagine if I went out with his older brother before I went out with him, but was still all cosy with him now that I was with Rhys??????

 

 

I really don't like feeling like this, but I really don't like Carly. I don't like the person she is. Everything seems to be sailing smoothly when she's not in the picture, but when she is, is when all this starts again.

 

I swear I didn't have a wink of sleep last night. I was having all these dreams about the 2 of them. I layed there crying for most of the night, and now I'm at work and can't concentrate on anything else. I just wanna go home and cry in my room for the rest of the day.....

 

 

Why am I feeling like this? I summarise it as I just love and care for him so much, so I get this jealous when Carly's around. But I just hate feeling like this. He's an attractive guy, I'm so scared of loosing him. Man, I have the biggest welling up inside me like I gotta cry.

 

Can anyone please help me????? Please???? I try telling him how I feel all the time, but he tells me not to worry and to get over it. He thinks I don't trust him, but I do, I just don't trust my sister!!

 

 

Is there any way of gettig rid of Carly? Like, sending her to Antarctica or something??

 

I need help real bad! Please!!

 

 

I was thinking of writing a letter or talking to Carly about how I feel, maybe then she'll realise?

 

 

I don't know anymore.....I'm just so depressed today!

[john2776]

At one stage when there was a spare seat next to Rhys she came over and gave him a big hug, ran her fingers through his hair and gave him a kiss!

Im guessing this was a kiss on the cheek type of kiss rather than a tongue in his mouth? Given that it was his birthday it is fairplay. Although it sounds as though she played it for all it was worth. The thing is she is your sister and other than talking to her about it there is nothing you can do. Tess, you can't choose your family, and antarctica probably isn't in her plans anytime soon!

 

From reading the story I can't imagine that Rhys could have done anything different, he was passive in the whole thing.

 

From all your various post around this place you seem like a nice girl with a big heart, and while I understand why you have gotten yourself worked up over this - you are wasting your energy over it, and adding cry lines to your face The only thing you can definitely change here is your reaction to all of this. Just trust that Rhys isn't into her and loves you. Your sister is a teasing brat - just learn to live with that. Presumably there will come a day that you don't live with your sister anymore, but together with Rhys. Are you thinking long term with him?

 

Just to say it again this is mostly about you, a little bit about your sister, and almost nothing about Rhys. If you had another boyfriend, your sister might still be all over him - although of course there would be no history to add to your jealousy.

[johan]

Hey. I don't blame you for being upset. I'd be pissed. Maybe it does make sense to talk to your sister.

 

As far as the jealousy thing goes though, you have to have some faith in yourself. He has made a commitment to you. But he also has to interact with other people in the world. Not just your sister. And not just ugly chicks and other guys. And not just people who aren't attracted to him.

 

I'm sure he's a desirable guy, because I doubt you'd be with someone who isn't. And other women are going to agree with you. Some of them may not know or care that you are in his life. And they make it clear to him in overt ways that they want him.

 

The fact is that if he never returns their advances, then their advances are irrelevant. Just like you may not consider the advances of other men as anything worth worrying about.

 

On the other hand, if he does, then his feelings for you aren't deep enough for you. That is something you can't control, because you're being the best version of you that you can be with him. Your anger, tears, and jealousy aren't going to make his feelings any deeper.

 

The fact is, every time someone else makes a move on him and he doesn't respond to it, but comes back to you, that is confirmation of his feelings for you. And that's a good thing.

 

I was with a girl that many men desired. And many made it clear to her. And she never left me for one of them. She always came back to me. At first I got upset about it. But that was destructive to our relationship. And I realized that the reason I got upset was because I didn't like the idea of losing her or of living without her. But I decided that if she did leave me for one of them, then I'd like to know that's how she felt. I could live without her in that case. And I'd like to know sooner rather than later.

 

So I never discouraged her. I loved the feeling of her coming back to me. I took it as a compliment that guys would give away their self-respect so easily to make a move on her. She didn't respect them, because they didn't respect her decision to be with me. I could still get jealous and feel insecure, but not much and it was easy for us to deal with.

 

I hope this helps.

[lovestruck234]

Hey, You've both got some good points there. Thank you for the reassurance. I'm feeling a little better....But as much reassurance as people give me or Rhys gives me for that matter, it still will never be enough. I'm always going to have that knot in my stomach when ever she's around. And I don't want to feel like that....no-one does...I was thinking...would anyone recommend going to a counsellor or relationship counsellor? Just see what they say?

[john2776]

Yes I do recommend that you go to a counsellor. Just think of it as going to a mechanic and getting a tune up

[lovestruck234]

Hmmm...I'll have a think about it. But I know if I mention anything to Rhys about it he will be pretty pissed off. He knows that I had depression about 2 yrs ago and that I went to a counsellor. He made me promise that I wouldn't go back and that I would be stronger than it. I really don't like counsellors, they just bring back memories....but anyway, I'll give it some thought.

 

I really need to get these thoughts out of my head though. When I was trying to get to sleep last night (which I didn't) images just kept rolling over and over in my head of the two of them. It was HORRIBLE. It was seriously like a really scary movie and I couldn't get out of it. Just rolling over and over and over... I was crying and tossing and turning and gritting my teeth and trying to get to sleep. I ended up messaging RHys to tell him I couldn't get to sleep. He didn't write back till morning. Understandable! Lol

 

 

I just....my sister PISSES ME OFF SO BAD!! Every time mum tells me that she's coming over for dinner or what ever I get that knot in my stomach. When I see her I have to literally force a smile onto my face.

 

I have said this to a few friends....I would be content if I didn't have to see her anymore. And people are like "NO you'd miss her" really, I wouldn't. When she moved out of home everyone was saying I would miss her, but I didn't. And I still don't. She's always been the golden child in my family. Always. She gets praised for everything she achives, me? I didn't even get praised when my modelling career took off.

 

I think I have just learnt to face that Carly will always be appreciated more. No, I'm not trying to wollow in self-pity, it's the truth. And the truth sucks...

[CrushedOrgans]

dude, i know she's your sister...but that's even more reason for her to keep her hands off. the fact that she's his ex only adds fuel to that

 

you wouldn't deal with some stranger fawning all over him; you shouldn't deal with it from her either. tell her to lay the f*ck off of him.

 

consider also though, that she might be doing this on purpose. even if she doesn't want to see him romantically anymore, now her sister is dating her ex...that has to be a little weird for her too, you know?

 

sit down and really talk to her. FIRMLY--it doesn't seem like she has anyone put her in her place when she needs it...and she needs it. if not, and it keeps up, don't hesitate to slap a b*tch.

[ash8752]

Hey Tess ( i think that is what you said your name is...Anyway, I think your feelings are valid, i would feel the same way, but you are torturing yourself over it and giving her way too much power in this situation. Just like CO said, you should talk to her, tell her how it makes you feel uncomfortable and how you would like the behavior to stop. If she doesnt seem to get it through her head then she is not a very good sister. Did you ever talk to her about dating him before you and Rhys were together? Do you think she feels like she dated him first so she can do what she wants? Talk to her regardless of your answer to those questions, it is not fair to you and your relationship.

Is that really a pic of you?

[EnigmaXOXO]

and my sister, Carly.

 

So Carly is your sister??

 

If so … this would be an easy one for me. I'd talk to her face to face (as calmly and rationally as possible) and tell her everything that you've just stated here. So what if your sister thinks you're jealous? So what if you are! If you're scared to define your boundaries with your own family, how are you ever going to muster the courage to speak up when a stranger tries to take advantage of your docile nature.

 

They're your family. No one's going to hate you or disown you just because you're feeling a little insecure. And until you learn to speak up, Carly may continue to subtly push your buttons just to see how much she can get away with.

 

Good 'ol sibling rivalry is one of the reasons my sister and I knew better than to ever date the same guy.

[Baybee9404]

Why would you even set yourself up for that, You should never date an ex of a sister, cousin, friend etc no matter how long ago they dated. Thats not cool and i believe you set yourself up for that one girl.

[Darkwall]

Hey girl, I'm a little curious as to who broke off that relationship between your bf and sis. If it was your bf and I think it may have been... I see why your sister is behaving the way she is. She may feel threatened by you because it is you who has won his heart.

 

Although, I do think that even though your bf may be a tad passive which is who he is... he should stand up for the person he loves, you. It's common sense that when someone is getting a little too touchy feely... to say something along the lines of... hey, my gf won't like the way you're groping me right now.

 

Reading your post feels like deja-vu to me. Am I you? Are you me?

 

It's difficult for you to approach this topic in fear that you'll come across as jealous or controlling. Right? I know.

 

I think your sis may still be harbouring some old feelings towards your bf and is trying to show him how irrisistable she is.

 

My point on this is.... she's obviously INSECURE about herself or she wouldn't be fishing for attention. She's just trying to show you she still has some control over him by being overly flirtatious and knowing he won't push her away given his passive nature. Having said all this, this gives you the upper hand in that you know he's not into her and it's just her fullfilling her insecurities. I don't believe there's anything going on between them. He's your bf now and that's probably driving her mad with jealousy. I guess she's not so perfect now, is she? You'll be giving her satisfaction by telling her this is upsetting you. That's her intention.

 

DON'T WEAR YOUR MOOD ON YOUR SHOULDER!! Extremely hard to do I know. Especially when you're so sad and down inside. DON'T! You need to play her game but with more smarts. The next time she throws herself onto him like that... (unacceptable by the way) you should say something along the lines of... He's so adorable isn't he? Smile and show it doesn't bother you. That will kill her or not even phase her. But, she won't see that it's bothering you... which is her intention.

 

However, your man needs to be a little more helpful and a little more in tune with your emotions. He needs to next time make a comment like "hey, stop molesting me".

 

If he's anything like you, he knows what a brat your sis is and you have nothing to worry about.

[lovestruck234]

G'day everyone, thank you all for your replies...

 

OK, I'll address each thread individually...

 

CrushedOrgans, thanks. A lot of girl power put into that thread! It made me feel alot better!!

 

ash8752, no. I never really talked about Rhys at all while they were together. I was friends with him, and we would see ach other seeing as we are neighbours, but that's about as cosy as it got. I wasn't interested in him then....and yes, that's a pic of me. Why?

 

EnigmaXOXO, thank you for your advice....I took it!!

 

Babybee9404, it's a bit more complicaed than that. We're all friends and always have been. I was never setting myself up for it, it happened and it's not really a matter of dating an ex, they were on and off for ages and never really got serious with each other...so I wouldn't look at it that way.

 

Darkwall, thank you heaps for your advice. It has helped alot!

 

 

 

Ok, so I had a talk on the weekend. My mum who I don't really talk to about my problems that much, I talked to about it, and it felt so much better afterwards. I told mum how I was feeling and her and I both agree that I am intimidated and threatened by Carly. My mum doesn't know why, she thinks we're both just as equal as each other. I told her I never really admitted it, but I am jealous of Carly's outgoing nature, and nicer personality, as well as her looks and the fact that she always seems as though she's the one step ahead of me. She's always been smarter, prettier, happier than me.

 

My mum gave me some reassuring words and told me I should tell Rhys how I'm feeling.

 

I'll just explain something briefly. I'm a complicated person (if you haven't already pickedo out!!) I think waaay too much, I think about the future alot, I think about where I'm going to be next week, or next year, and along with that, I'm always thinking about these things in the absolute worse case scenario.. I emplained this to Rhys and he agreed but also said that it doesn't make Carly a better person, or doesn't make me any worse.

 

I also explained to him that this is the first relationship I've been in where I've felt this way. It's all very new and scary to me, so much that I think I love him so much that ti hurts, if you know what I mean? I get so scared of loosing him and not a day goes by that I don't think about "what if I loose him today?" I have alot of insecurities and the fact that I FINALLY aired them and discussed them with the ones who should know, made it a whole lot better.

 

Mum suggested maybe going to a counsellor, just to set me the right way. Help me accept the person I am. Cos right now I don't. She admitted that she went to a counsellor and it helped her. So I just might...

 

I'm not going to sit back and let it take over me. I'll help myself.

 

 

 

And as for Carly, I spoke to mum about how I felt about that and she thinks I'm acting a bit silly. She knows Carly isn't someone to do that, and I guess I agree. I think its just the state of mind I am in at the moment...or was in.

 

Cos right now I feel so much better knowing that I got it all off my chest.

 

 

Thanks!

[whichwayisup]

All I can say is, if that was my sister warming up and cuddling with my boyfriend I'd be pissed off too!

 

I would talk to her and just tell her how it made you feel when she kissed him and got too cozy with him in the backseat. Don't accuse her of anything because I really don't think she "likes" him the way you're thinking she does.

 

Though, with that being said, why didn't you say NO, when she told you to move into the front seat? You just did what she wanted...Without a word.

 

Explain and make sure your boyfriend knows that "cuddling" "kissing" and "touching" is something that is reserved for you, not him and your sister. Your boyfriend probably enjoys the extra attention but it doesn't mean anything to him. ...Though he really should know that you don't do that with an ex, even if she is your sister...

 

One thing that made me go mmmm...

 

He made me promise that I wouldn't go back and that I would be stronger than it. I

 

That's not his call to make. If you feel the need to go talk to a therapist, he really shouldn't be making you promise HIM that you won't go. Just seems abit controlling. If someone can help, why not go? If you were sick, like with cancer or diabetes, would he ask you to refuse treatment? The mind and mental health is just as important as the rest of your body.

[nicki]

So glad you feel better. Sometimes it helps just to talk and move the feelings out....But, I do think they may come back and you'll have to figure out what do NOW because you won't think clearly when you are pissed off next time.

 

Everyone has given great advice. I'd just like to add that next time, don't move seats. Make sure you sit next to him. Tell her laughingly that she still can fit in the back. Tell her that you want to sit next to your man so you can wildly grope each other....ha ha....she'll get it.

 

I know you don't need any more reassurance. Actually, it would be helpful to tell your boyfriend what you want him to do when Carly acts up.

 

Next time she does something, he can say smile and say something like "You know I only have eyes for your beautiful and sexy sister. Get off." Tell him to pay extra attention to you while Carly is around.

 

She'll get the message....oh, and sister or no sister, limit your time around her if possible. She's not acting like a good sister should. If anything, she should be a little stand-off-ish to him to show YOU she's no threat.

 

I agree with the poster who said not to talk to her. Act like she is no threat. She really isn't. Sounds like a power play to me, on her part....and you have all the power.

[lovestruck234]

Nicki and WWIU, thank you soooooo much for your advice!!

 

You both just added a cherry onto my good mood today!

 

So since it's a beautiful Monday morning, I have decided to start afresh. I am determined to have a really good week this week....here's hoping!!

 

The whole car thing although didn't seem like a big issue, it was. And i'm glad that you, nicki and WWIU pointed it out to be a big issue. The reason I didn't say no? Cos she's always had more authority in our relationship as sisters. I have always done what she wanted me to since we were kids and never given it a second thought. I guess now that I'm older, I should probably start standing up for myself shouldn't I? I have never asked anything from her.....never....but anyway, this isn't the time to start "Poor Tess"....

 

I won't talk to her. I believe I shouldn't either. I'll just live and let live. I think from talking to my mum she will probably MENTION something to Carly about it. So anyway, I would like to just see what unravels and go from there....

 

As for the counselling, I made an appointment for today at lunch time. I think Rhys should understand...I hope he does. And yep, WWIU emtional problems are just as bad as physical pain.

 

Actually my mum said to me last night when I was talking to her about it "It just rips me up inside when I see you girls hurting emotionally. You know, if you scraped your knee, I would say "You'll be right", but emotional pain, I feel so hopeless. I wish I could take it all away. I reckon emotional pain is WORSE than physical!"

 

And she's right. I find emtional unstability harder to deal with than a broken arm...

 

Well, I'll fill you in on the counsellor session asap! Eeeek, I'm a little nervy nervy about it actuallY!

[lovestruck234]

Hey, I was just re-reading the threads again, and I just wanted to point out something...

 

I had talked to her about this once and I remember some of the things she said. She was saying that I can't expect her to stop being friends with him because she was friends with him before he was my boyfriend so she was basically saying that she was there first...

 

And she also said that if I can't trust her, my own sister, than who can I trust?

 

I'm not the type of person to argue over petty things like this but how can you not be pissed off at a comment like that. Her pretty much saying she was here first?

 

She always has had more power over me and everything is always "I'm right, you're wrong". It's so frustrating!!

 

I just want to run away sometimes. I just want to grab Rhys and take him away with me somewhere. Away from all the BS in my life sometimes... away from my sister!!!!!!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Cos she's always had more authority in our relationship as sisters. I have always done what she wanted me to since we were kids and never given it a second thought. I guess now that I'm older, I should probably start standing up for myself shouldn't I? I have never asked anything from her.....never....but anyway, this isn't the time to start "Poor Tess"....

what's the age difference between you and your sister?

 

It's time for you NOT to act like the little sister around her. You acting 'beneath' her or even inferior towards her is why she takes advantage of the situation. NOT in a good way either. You gotta stand up to her! If you don't she'll push you around and treat you like crap cuz you let her!

 

Also, it's Ok to confide in your mom, but she shouldn't be interferring in your sisterly relationship. It causes issues...Maybe all the things from your childhood need to be discussed in therapy as well. I know you said you feel like you couldn't measure up to your sister. But, I can tell you, your folks don't favour her over you. That's something - competition between you and your sis, has been going on since you were little ones...

 

I had talked to her about this once and I remember some of the things she said. She was saying that I can't expect her to stop being friends with him because she was friends with him before he was my boyfriend so she was basically saying that she was there first...

 

See? Control trip right there. You got to stop her in her tracks! She KNOWS she can push you around, and honestly, enough time has gone by that she's over him...Right? She IS over him, but messing with you and she is aware of how it "bugs" you. Makes HER feel good. See- She is the insecure one, she feels bad so she wants to make you feel bad too. Don't get sucked into those bull***** games. Ignore it.

 

And she also said that if I can't trust her, my own sister, than who can I trust?

 

Then tell her this : "Yeah, you're my sister and you were all over my boyfriend. If I did that to you, YOU would be pissed off too!"

 

Also, she should start respecting you more. If you put up boundries, make some rules of what lines she can't cross with you, things WILL get better.

 

She always has had more power over me and everything is always "I'm right, you're wrong". It's so frustrating!!

 

Then take back the power. Just because you're younger than her doesn't mean that she's always right! She looks down on you because of it...Get angry and stand up to her. But, do it in a respecting way, not meanly. Make sure she just knows it hurts and it's cruel (what she is doing to you). Be the better person and rise above it when she lashes out. Handle her in such a way that she will notice and see that you're not going to take her crap anymore. (hope that makes sense...I'm abit tired right now, so my words in my head may not read as they're supposed to!)

[lovestruck234]

what's the age difference between you and your sister?

 

She's 2 years older than me....but sometimes it feels alot more than that!!

 

I'm not saying we don't get along, we do, but the times we do is when everything is going her way...*sigh*.....

 

I have kinda tried all throughout the years to get on top, but she just has this way of getting there before me...see - one step ahead, once again! I can even recall when we were about 11 or 12 and every year for her birthday, I'm talking a ritual here, she would come in the day or even the week before her birthday and ask me what I got her. And every year she would get it out of me, she would make me show her what I got her. I'd be like "No, Carly, it will ruin the surprise!" she's like "Just show me, I promise I'll act surprised on the day!!" she'd even start punching me or slapping me until I showed her. (I'm not to say I didn't try to fight back!!)

 

This happened every single year until she moved out of home. Which was about 3 or 4 months ago....that's the type of authority she has. She always got to sit in the front seat of the car to AND from where we were going. Mum never thought it bothered me cos I never argued about it...I knew I wouldn't win and the very few times I would say "Carly, you were in the front on the way here" mum would be like "Tess, don't start, just get in the back" so I did...

 

She always got to put the star on top of the tree at Xmas time, she always got to help wash the dogs cos "You won't be able to do it right, Tess". She got to help Dad building stuff, got to stay up half an hour later than me, got to stay outside playing longer than me. Mum found a cigarette in her school bag when she was 12 and never punished her for it. The first time I tried a cigarette (which was when I was much older), I got grounded for a week...I just don't get it....

 

It's probably because she is older and will alwyas be doing things before me but do you know what I mean??

 

Mum and Dad let her start drinking with them at bbq's when she was 16. I wasn't allowed to drink till I was 18...I mean, it's just the little things that add up, do you know what I mean?

 

She was always allowed to have days off school when she had left assignments to the last minute. Me? I never took time off school. The only time I did was when I had a cold or I was actually sick. I never had a day off school...

 

Ugh, I don't know.... I wouldn't know how to go about "rising above it". It feels like I've tried that but she knows exactly what pushes my buttons and will do her best to get me upset or angry and that's when I sink.

 

She has a very discreet way of being on top and doing all these things to me without mum knowing. That's what I mean, she never got punished for things that I get grounded and sent to my room and grounded off my motorbike for weeks now...

 

I am the youngest out of me and my two other sisters. Carly and Aimee. And you know the funny thing? Carly never really got on with Aimee whereas I did. She must feel a little threatened by Aimee seeing as she's older. I think that's her problem. She really must be pretty weak to be picking on someone she knows she has more authority over! Ha! *shakes head*...