What am I supposed to do?

[mejohn1]

I've been married for 7 years now and my wife has been battling depression for over 4yrs of this. I say "battling" but I should say losing the battle. Her health has never been rock solid but according to EVERY member of her family she has always had a thing for drama. Ever since I've known her she has been fond of pills (2 advil and a darvoset for a headache) and is now on a regimine of 14 different pills a day. Each and every little pain is somthing dramatic (I think I have lung cancer, I think I have kidney stones, I have the flu, etc.). She eats so dang many that it's no wonder that her body is falling apart.

 

A little history: she has had kidney stones since she was 14 and it sounds like her upbringing took a huge toll on her mentally. Her brother and sis are good people and show no signs of being mistreated but my wife clings to every bad memory like it happened today. Her self image has always been poor, but in the last few years all she thinks about is how to change herslef. She actually GAINED WEIGHT to qualiy for gastric bypass, then she didn't follow the post-op rules and had many complications. She took more pills than food and it lead to an ulser that continually leaked into her abdomen until it nearly killed her. This has been our life for the last 4 years. One hospital trip after another. We have 2 wonderful children (10 and 4) that cling to me for everything. I have been the do-all for years, and I mean do all. If I have to work late the kids either find something to eat or they don't get fed. I cook, clean, wash them and their clothes, do all of the shopping, pay the bills (and let me tell you, since we lost her income paying the bills keeps me up at night), so on and so forth.

 

I know this is long but I think my bucket is running low. Each and every day I tell her she is beautiful, I rub her back, I wait on her hand and foot yet I get nothing in return. SHe has been saying things that are suicidal for the last year which scares the crap out of me. I continually ask her to go to counseling but she won't. She flat out refuses because she is afraid of what they might talk about. WHAT?!? To me, depression can only be worked out by finding the demons and beating them over the head. I have seen the medication do crazy things to her. I'm sure they help but only if you are conseously trying to help yourself. She lays on the couch and says she's sick.

 

I am most worried about the kids. They are not blind and all that I think about and try to do is shelter them. Our 10yr old boy takes much abuse. She thinks he's a liar, treats him very badly. Then 15 minutes later as he hides in his room all she can tell me is how great she is and how much he is loved. I take the kids with me everywhere I go beause I worry. I have come home from work at 1 in the afternoon and found our 3 yr old watching TV and my wife in bed, having woke up only long enough to turn the tv on.

 

I could go on and on but I'm sure you are getting the picture. I just don't know what to do, how can I take the kids away from their momma? I know the woman I love is still burried in there and every day I hope that I can help her emerge. It's just not working anymore and each day there's something new. Advice anyone?

[bluechocolate]

I continually ask her to go to counseling but she won't.

 

Sounds like it's time for some tough love. Make it a condition of you & the children staying in the marriage.

 

I am most worried about the kids.

 

Worry some more. Seriously - this doesn't sound good at all. If you can look at this objectively you would probably conclude that this is not a good environment to be raising children.

 

What do her family have to say? Have you spoken to anyone else about your situation?

 

I know the woman I love is still buried in there and every day I hope that I can help her emerge.

 

Sounds to me like she needs professional help. This may sound very calculated (because it is) but if I were you I would start laying the ground work for a divorce which gives you custody of the children. Like I said, make her seeking professional help a condition of you staying in the marriage. You're being Mr. Do-All - so why should she have to do anything?

[mejohn1]

Thanks for replying, I didn't know what people would have to say. In regards to the kids, there is one HUGE stumbling block. Our son is hers, he is 10 now and I've been around for 8 years of that. He loves her dearly but is going through some tough inner turmoil due to her health and mental issues. How in the world can I take him away from her? I have never got around to adopting him, it's just something that I don't think about very often. He's my son and I'm dad. So what rights do I have? Our daughter is ours together, and she clings to "bubby" for everything; after all, mom isn't playing with them.

 

The kids is my biggest fear, as I've stated. I just need to be sure it wouldn't do more harm than good by seperating them form their mother. Her mental state is the other scary part. I have this nagging thought in my head that if I leave she will kill herself. She states often how she shouldn't have been born, how much of a burden she is and we all deserve better. How do I answer these things?

 

As you can tell I am in a bit of a hole here. "Sickness and health, better or worse," so on and so forth. But if the person won't seak treatment and would rather go on day to day being sick, is that just cause for leaving? I don't know the answer.

[dgiirl]

Why not go to a therapist yourself? She might be able to help you figure out the best plan of action for you AND she might be able to guide you on how to convince your wife to get therapy.

[destination_unknown]

hi john,

 

My mom is like this, she DOES actually have a number of real complaints, but at the same time she doesn't deal very well with it. Sometimes I feel like she enjoys being sick. (For example, I was in an accident in the emergency room waiting to hear if I had spinal injuries and my mom was going on about how she has a bad back and feels like she's been in an accident. Then, dads in the emergency room having collapsed from blood loss by hemorraging and mom is telling the ER doc all about the surgery SHE had two years ago!) At the moment, I'm struggling with trying *not* to have bad thoughts about her and just try to help and maybe understand why she acts like this. She also suffers from depression, self medicates and over-medicates, lies in bed for days only getting up for an hour a day. (She gave me a painkiller when I had a headache once and I was stoned for 3 days they were so strong - she takes these like candy & drinks alcohol at the same time!)

 

Its sad but while I believe my dad loves her and would never leave her, I think he has seriously contemplated it. I begged him to try the tough love approach with her, for both his AND her sake but he seems deflated with the attitude "Its been like this for 35 years, nothing will change it now." They love each other deep down BUT ... they have and are missing out on so much of the joy of life. My dad has cancer now and not very long left, it makes me so sad that they can't get it together and really have some pure joy for the time he has left. Like take walks on the seafront or go to see movies together.

 

My point is, you should ACT. Whatever form this takes is something you must decide for yourself, but things don't seem like they are going to change without some kind of catalyst. My heart goes out to you and your wife and children, its very frustrating for you, especially when you are tired from taking care of the chores. And yes, I think it does have an effect on kids - at the very least it makes them sad whenever they see their mom like that and see their dad struggling.

 

Have you tried speaking to your GP privately about this or going to a councellor yourself? I just don't feel like I can give advice, but wanted to say your not alone.

[mejohn1]

You are all right, I need to act; and act very soon. Humans are extrordinary creaturs and are able to adapt to many things. But adapting is just a fancy word for "deal"; and I've been dealing with this siuation for far too long. There are bigtime fears in place but they will never go away on there own. I have set an appointment with a therapist for this coming week. I'll lay it out there and see what she recomends, though I already know what I need to do. I'm hoping she can help me do it in the right way and not cause a huge mess.

 

I've spoke with my wife's sister and she has volunteered to watch the kids at any time if things go bad. Her whole family is very supportive of me, which helps, and I know what they would say if I was the one having issues. "Dump the bastard" is what they would say but this is their daughter, and they're stuck like I am. We all love her but none of them see the day to day like I do and it scares the hell out of me sometimes. I have found her passed out on the toilet, on the floor; seen her stumbling down the hall, etc. I question her if it was caused by too many pills and she gets pissy and says she's not fealing well. Every test in the world has been done on her and they all come back negative. The worst thing she has had is a kidney stone 3 yrs ago. She has a great way of making people feel sorry for her and guilting them into helping her (even her Doc's fall for it).

 

I guess I'm a little pissed and a lot resentfull. Is this allowed? Aren't we supposed to support our spouse no matter what? I know what my gut is telling me, it's telling me I'm tired, physically and emotionaly. I also know that I love her, or who she used to be. Love just sucks sometimes huh? When we don't have it we're lonely and miserable, and when we do have it, it can all change in a heartbeat.

 

I'm thankfull I have my kids.

[destination_unknown]

Hi John,

 

Yes, you are exhausted from 24/7 physical exertion taking care of the kids, emotional exhaustion from trying to make a decision and frustration at feeling helpless. Yay you for making an appointment with the therapist! It will give you a place to get calm advice and re-gain some energy.

 

Does your wife know you are at the end of your tether with her? I know when my mom got to a really low point, I walked out of the house and left her drunk after she told me all her ill health was my fault for being messed up when I was a teenager. I literally just couldn't take it anymore. I could'nt handle seeing her do this to herself and blame me for it (she would have blamed anyone who was there, i just happened to be the lucky one). My sister chewed her out real bad and she really was genuinely sorry. She has been a little better since then but not anywhere near what you would call healthy.

 

The only choice I have, is really just to accept her with her flaws and try to help her. She will have a few good days and then slide again, but its manageable. It sounds like you have been trying this, but have over-burdened your body and mind too much. You can't do everything john, you can't take the weight of the world on your shoulders and keep going forever. This is what your body is telling you right now.

 

When you say you know what you have to do, what is that? Why is the doctor prescribing her pills if she doesn't need them? Have you spoken to her Doctor about your concerns? I wonder if some sort of intervention could be done?

 

Edited to say: Its normal to feel resentful - thats what I'm working on too. But no, you shouldn't support your spouse in doing something that is harmful for them. Don't collude with her. Just because the drugs are prescribed or over the counter DOES NOT mean it's not drug abuse.

[CryingCanuck]

Hello John,

 

I can't help it lurking is good but I have to jump in here.

 

I was married for 23 years and my XW also is battling depression, for many years now....

 

She has been in and out of mental hospitals so many times over the years I've lost count and I too had to take on the responsibility of being Mom and Dad and it's not fun, especailly when the "real" mom is lying in bed pretending the world (real world) that is,,, just doesn't exist.

 

I've gone through this for 20+ years and I can tell you one thing, IT JUST DOESN'T GET BETTER until she gets off her a$$ and does something about it. You're presently doing a lot of what I used to do... Pleading, begging,, bribe, and nothing works and it ain't gonna bud.......

 

One of her Psychiatrists once told me that the only way for her to get out of this black hole is to hit rock bottom, and my wife did, the suicide attempts, the affairs, shoplifting and eventually leaving me blaming her illness on me and our marriage...

 

We made it back but maybe I shouldn't have taken her back, the damage it caused our kids was dreadful and the only reason I took her back was for the kids...

 

Fast forward to present... She flakes out again, and this time the kids are much older, 13+ years older, they know she's out to lunch and know that there is nothing anyone can do for her because she just won't help herself..

 

Ohh she thinks she's moving along but in reality she's just running from herself. You might know who she meets at the end of her trip...........

 

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that the only bit of advice I can give you is to head for the hills with BOTH kids and let her hit rock bottom (nothing you can do will change that anyway) and if you still love her after all the crap she eventually will put you through maybe try again.

 

The biggest mistake I made was letting her back into our lives, the kids in some ways are so messed up, they have little ambition, yes things are getting better here with her gone, but the seed was sown and they both are feeling pain of having a parent who over the years only cared about sleeping and whatever else she wants to do and to hell0 wil the rest of the world and her family to boot.

 

Maybe I'm venting but you're situation is so similar to mine, and I really hope you take some advice here and see a lawyer to at least find out about your step-son...

 

CC

[Gunny376]

who lived acros the road from us, his Mom was and still is like this. It got so bad ~ it became the town joke. Everyone knew and avoided her, and she bacame a recluse. Two of her three son's grew up sorry, and never amounted to anything, never seriously worked a decent job ~ Hell they never worked any job for very long.

 

Her husband put up with it for forty years! She's still the same way.

 

Do yourself and your children a big favor ~ get them and yourself out and get out now! I know that's a tough thing to do, and a tall order ~ but don't waste your life on this woman. Life is just way too short. You can't help that which doesn't want your help. You can't save what doesn't want saving! Some people are just Hell bent for leather for self destruction ~ and they don't care who they drag down with them. Its too the point to where she's a paniced drowning woman, who's dragging down the very people that want to and are trying to save her.

 

Bottom line is ~ you've got to go for yourself. CC's right, she's got to want to help herself ~ and she can't do that until she hits rock bottom.

[Guest]

As time goes on, you're just hurting yourself, the kids, AND YOUR WIFE if you don't do something.

 

My ex-wife was bipolar and could slip into severe bouts of depression. Most of the time she was a great person and if she could have stayed in that place, I'm sure we'd still be married today.

 

About six years back, she started acting pretty wierd, took lots of pills to sleep, wake up, face the day..... She became a drama queen and started to threaten suicide. I don't know if she was serious or not, but you can't chance these things. In the end, her mother and I put her on a 3-day psyc. hold at the hospital. She stayed there a couple weeks and came home in a better place. After about a year, she was back in a "normal" phase again and things were pretty good. I think we both enjoyed our marriage and we had a great time. We divorced last year after she became "unhappy" in our relationship and self medicated by having multiple affairs.

 

Plain and simple, your wife needs serious help. If she won't do it herself, compel it. Most state laws have provisions for psyc. holds, especially if a person threatens suicide. Talk you your counselor about it. If you go this route, try to get one of her family members to help you fill out the paper work at the hospital. That will later help you if you need to go for custody of the children.

 

If you love your son, adopt him. You may need that to help protect him. Get on with it.

 

Loving someone who is mentally unhealthy is a very hard thing. Do what you have to do to keep everyone safe. Unfortunately, having her commited may destroy your marriage anyways. At this point, I don't see any other choices.

[mejohn1]

"You can't help that which doesn't want your help. You can't save what doesn't want saving!"

 

Great line Gunny, after years of living with this problem nothing is more true. All of us, (her parents and mine, her siblings, the kids and me) have been there when she wanted us to, we've given her daily support, even wispered sweet nothings in her ear; but nothing has progressed. She's always speaking of "when I get better" but she doesn't/won't take the steps to get there. She has been turned sown twice for Disability but she is still trying hoping to get that $600 a month. Yeehaw! What in the world will $600 bucks do for her/us? She is so wrapped up in herself that she is missing everything around her.

 

-My views on Depression-

This ought to p/o some people but I"m getting it out there.

Yes, depression is a very real thing. They used to call it the blues, or melancholy. Lincoln had it, some of the greatest figures we've ever studied dealt with from time to time. But it is not the "disease" that it is being propped up to be. It is saddness plain and simple. Have any of you really known anyone who was helped by only medication? Think long and hard because if you do know someone who only takes med's for depression and says they're better, than that person doesn't have the issues he/she really portrays. They are wanting attention. Depression is a result of the generations from 1965 on teaching us that you don't have to work terribly hard, someone will always bail you out of trouble i.e the government, mommy and daddy. We've have lost what it means to be focused, driven and hard working. Everything that made this nation great. The highest number of depression cases are found in "western" or technologically advanced nations. Even Japan & China, traditionally cultures where honor and respect ruled the day, are now facing all kinds of "mental health issues. Why? Because we are teaching ourselves and our children that appethy is OK, that you can talk back to your parents, your friends are more important than homework, our jobs are throwaway, so on and so forth. It's know wonder that people get depressed (sad) when their whole life has been only about themselves and they find out they have no true friends, no Faith in anything, no possitive future being handed to them. We have forgotten what the word Family means, it's not the fact you have brothers and sisters and moms and dads; it's a comunity. We used to know our neighbors, our pastors, our kids all went to the same schools. We used to have dinner with our friends -at our homes-, we used to be able to correct any kid who was out of line (try that at the grocery store).

 

But not anymore, depression is a cause of isolation. By not teaching our kids that the most important things are loving yourself, being respectfull of everything and everybody, making yourslef usefull in all areas (volunteering, doing chores-WHAT ARE CHORES!?!?!-, studying hard,etc.) and knowing what is morally right and wrong, we have created a bunch of self centered, lazy people. Depression is caused by having no internal wiring to succeed, the wiring that should have been developed by the community. They say that a tramatic event can trigger it, well no sh*t. Something bad happens to a person without the propper coping skills and they curl up in a ball not knowing what to do. Tramatic can be death, a baby, a wreck, anything the person wasn't trained to handle.

 

How many of us send our kids to the sitters while we go to a funeral? How many of let our kids become desensitized with endless our of TV as the surogate parent (becasue the kids infringe on our time). Who out there took ther kids to the park within the last 2 weeks to let them run and have fun. Did you run too? People, this is a huge problem that can be fixed. If we start spending quality time with our kids, involving them in constuctive things, any being TRULY INTERESTED IN WHAT THEY DO, this problem will go away. Until then, we can shove a bag of chips in their face and let them watch TV while we do what we want. We have that right, and we will all watch our kids grow up deressed becuase they have nothign to show for their life.

[Gunny376]

"You can't help that which doesn't want your help. You can't save what doesn't want saving!"

 

Great line Gunny, after years of living with this problem nothing is more true. All of us, (her parents and mine, her siblings, the kids and me) have been there when she wanted us to, we've given her daily support, even wispered sweet nothings in her ear; but nothing has progressed. She's always speaking of "when I get better" but she doesn't/won't take the steps to get there. She has been turned sown twice for Disability but she is still trying hoping to get that $600 a month. Yeehaw! What in the world will $600 bucks do for her/us? She is so wrapped up in herself that she is missing everything around her.

 

-My views on Depression-

This ought to p/o some people but I"m getting it out there.

Yes, depression is a very real thing. They used to call it the blues, or melancholy. Lincoln had it, some of the greatest figures we've ever studied dealt with from time to time. But it is not the "disease" that it is being propped up to be. It is saddness plain and simple. Have any of you really known anyone who was helped by only medication? Think long and hard because if you do know someone who only takes med's for depression and says they're better, than that person doesn't have the issues he/she really portrays. They are wanting attention. Depression is a result of the generations from 1965 on teaching us that you don't have to work terribly hard, someone will always bail you out of trouble i.e the government, mommy and daddy. We've have lost what it means to be focused, driven and hard working. Everything that made this nation great. The highest number of depression cases are found in "western" or technologically advanced nations. Even Japan & China, traditionally cultures where honor and respect ruled the day, are now facing all kinds of "mental health issues. Why? Because we are teaching ourselves and our children that appethy is OK, that you can talk back to your parents, your friends are more important than homework, our jobs are throwaway, so on and so forth. It's know wonder that people get depressed (sad) when their whole life has been only about themselves and they find out they have no true friends, no Faith in anything, no possitive future being handed to them. We have forgotten what the word Family means, it's not the fact you have brothers and sisters and moms and dads; it's a comunity. We used to know our neighbors, our pastors, our kids all went to the same schools. We used to have dinner with our friends -at our homes-, we used to be able to correct any kid who was out of line (try that at the grocery store).

 

But not anymore, depression is a cause of isolation. By not teaching our kids that the most important things are loving yourself, being respectfull of everything and everybody, making yourslef usefull in all areas (volunteering, doing chores-WHAT ARE CHORES!?!?!-, studying hard,etc.) and knowing what is morally right and wrong, we have created a bunch of self centered, lazy people. Depression is caused by having no internal wiring to succeed, the wiring that should have been developed by the community. They say that a tramatic event can trigger it, well no sh*t. Something bad happens to a person without the propper coping skills and they curl up in a ball not knowing what to do. Tramatic can be death, a baby, a wreck, anything the person wasn't trained to handle.

 

How many of us send our kids to the sitters while we go to a funeral? How many of let our kids become desensitized with endless our of TV as the surogate parent (becasue the kids infringe on our time). Who out there took ther kids to the park within the last 2 weeks to let them run and have fun. Did you run too? People, this is a huge problem that can be fixed. If we start spending quality time with our kids, involving them in constuctive things, any being TRULY INTERESTED IN WHAT THEY DO, this problem will go away. Until then, we can shove a bag of chips in their face and let them watch TV while we do what we want. We have that right, and we will all watch our kids grow up deressed becuase they have nothign to show for their life.

 

Freaking outstanding post, MeJohn! Simply freaking outstadning! Hammer + Nail!

 

Me? I've delt with depression. And, a lot of it stemmed with not be satisfied with what God laid at my feet ~ and He's laid a lot of good things at my feet. Once, I let go, and was grateful for what I had, and for what God had laid before me, and recognized that I was truly blessed,...................that made all the difference.

 

And, that's not a lot. I have PTSD,........................and I go hermit and recluse a lot of times on the back forty with just a camp fire, and an old dog. A lot of that is survior's remorse ~ which is freaking crazy in and of itself. But, once I let all of that junk go ~ and just said screw it ~ I'm alive!

 

My 2 year old grandson, re-taught me what the meaning of life is? To live life to its top! To it fullest!

 

If you've been fortunate to have been born in the northern hemisphere, you've been blessed. The poorest person in America is better off than over half of the people in the world.

 

Lincoln was truely a great man. Most people didn't have to deal with a quarter of the crap that he had to deal with. His wife was a mental case for real. She lost it when she lost her sons, and for real lost it when he died.

 

He also said, "Most people are about as happy, as they make their minds up to be!" Only someone who has truly been there ~ could make such a statement. And, that's what it is ~ the conscious decesion to choose happiness.

 

Life's hard and a struggle no matter who you are. I'm personally acquainted with some guys that are millionaires ~ and they're some of the most miserable SOB's I know of.

 

I use to try and climb up the food chain ~ and now I'm thankful for what I've got, and for what I've accomplished.

 

I want the love and appreciation of my true friends and family ~the rest can go to Hell.

 

I've got that, a roof over my head, food to eat, my health, my strength, my freedom ~ I'm good to go!

 

Like I said, "**** it! I'm alive!"

[destination_unknown]

I agree with both the last two posts, but I do believe there is a difference between "depression" and depression associated with bi-polar disorder and physchotic disorders (i.e. schizophrenia). I don't have either but know people with it and its a different kettle of fish altogether.

 

So, john how are things going with your wife and children?

[mejohn1]

You are absolutely right DU. There are actual brain imbalances like schizo and bi-polar and these should be recognized as such. What I was ranting about is basic depression. It goes in the same catagory as ADHD. THere are people who realy have the disorder, but far more who are "diagnosed" with it. How in the hell can a general practitioner diagnose a mental disorder? Well they do every day and prescribe mind slowing meds to boot. You can literaly go to your Dr. and say you've been fealing blue and can't sleep and SHAZAM! you've got sleeping pills and antidepresants. Same goes for all the kids chocking down ADHD, ADD and whatever other D pills because they get on moms nerves. It truly is an Attention Defecite issue, THEY AREN'T GETTING ANY AND ACT GOOFY TO GET ATTENTION, please people, involve yourselves with you kids and they will make you proud beyond your wildest dreams.

 

Man I need to stop, I'm going to have the Dr.s union at my door soon.

As far as my situation goes...still the same. I got home from work last night around 8:30 and played with my daughter(3) the majority of the time. I did pause to eat dinner, but my attention was on them. At 10:30 I putt jammy's on my girl and laid her down for bed and my wife goes into this guilt throwing eposde saying, "she missed you so bad and all you want to do is get rid of her". It was 10:30 at night and she's 3. I shouldn't have to say more. She (wife) keeps the most warped schedule and unfortunatley my daughters follows suit because I'm at work alot. I'm talking a 3 yr. old staying up til 1am and sleeping til 11am or so. If I'm at work the poor never goes outside, because mom doesn't. My wife will take her and lay down for a nap every day. Here's a snapshot:

:10-11am wake up

:11am-2:30pm watch TV

:3pm-7pm sleep

:7pm-12am watch TV

:12pm-1am daughter to bed

Wife doesn't have a sleep time. Sometimes she does but the majority of her sleeping comes during the day while my daughter stares at the TV. I've been successful at getting my boy invovled in other things, :little league the last 3 yrs., allowing him to ride his back to friends houses, arranging trips to his cousins for a week, etc. Unfortuatley when he is there, he is given full responsibilty to watch his sister. Both of them are miserable shen I have to work. This isn't a life I want for them anymore, it's not fair.

 

I've been told by all of you and many others, including her family, that I should jump ship and take the kids. I know this. All my little baby girl knows of her momma is her being "sick". My boy constantly speaks about the old house, where we lived when things were normal. He's is extremely sad and worried inside, a parent can tell. My biggest problem about jumping ship is fear. I'm worried about her and the impact on the kids. If it were me alone I would have left long ago. She see's me as her last supporter, and I do but I also want her to support herself. If I go, what then will a person that's in such a dark place do? I frightens me, and the guilt if she were to do something just might drive me to drinking.

[destination_unknown]

It sounds familiar.

 

Wait to make a decision until you talk to the councellor yourself, if your still going.

 

I assume you've tried losing the rag with your wife and really getting PO'd with her?

[ddw5195]

you can have her commited to a hospital. a rehab that will help her. she is strong out on prescription pills and is a very sick woman and needs and deserves the help. not only for her but for the kids and you. if she is a threat to herself and has spoke of killing herself right then that gives you the right as a husband to protect her. call a rehab in your area and speak with the counslor in charge and she will tell you the steps you need to take. I hope I can help. we had to commit my husbands mom for the very same reason.