Married and have a huge crush on someone else

[lovelylady1234]

I have been married for 6 years, we've been together for 12. I met him when I was 16. Our marriage has been a little rocky lately but I am commited to working it out. However,I recently started a hobby and one of the guys I meet with once a week has my attention (to say the least). He's younger and single. Problem is I can't stop thinking about him, morning, noon, and night. I find myself unable to concentrate on anything. I talk to him on the phone sometimes but it hasn't gone any further. I want to touch him or kiss him or something and I can't do it. I feel either he will freak out or I will. He knows I am married, but I don't know how he feels about that. I never talk about my hubby to him and he never asks. I don't want a relationship, but it's like an itch that will not go away, and I do not want to give up my hobby. My crush is really hard to read, I am not sure if he is into me or not. But this is seriously affecting my life, both work and personal. I find myself searching for ways to spend time with him, but I am runnig out of ideas before I look really desperate. What in the world do I do? Do I tell him (i don't want to ruin a friendship), do I scratch the itch so it'll go away? HELP!

[Bryanp]

Maybe you should ask yourself the following two questions:

1) how would you feel if your husband was thinking of doing to you what you are thinking of doing to him?

2) are you willing to risk the survival of your marriage and end up divorced over this OM?

 

You need to think long and hard because in the end there are always consequences to your actions.

[lovelylady1234]

not that this changes anything in my first post, but my husband is depressed and, as a result verbally abusive. While he's trying to figure himself out (which he is resistant to), I started having this crush. I don't want to hurt my husband, there are consequences either way. I am just trying to figure out how to function again without my mind running wild. Maybe I could have harmless flirtation and that will quell the intrigue. It almost seems like a game to me, How can I get guys to notice me? It's been a long time since I felt "sexy".

I almost feel like if I just kissed him (the crush) it would help fight the urge to want what I can't have. Am I the only person who has ever felt this way? I feel like two different people.

[JamesM]

Okay, I know you are just curious about the swinging, but your husband also keeps reminding you that you cheating before the two of you got married. And he is afraid you will do it again. Please remember this when you consider this younger man.

 

IMHO, I think you have a void at home, so this younger, single man is filling the void through your fantasy world. I really as a guy understand where you are at. I have talked with women who I would love to have in bed...just once...maybe just a kiss. This was while my wife and I had our worst moments..when she no longer wanted sex. Now after we have worked this out, I can look at these same women and see what they would be like AFTER that time in bed...my wife always wins.I am thankful that nothing ever happened.

 

That is why I can say, don't do it. This too shall pass. Unfortunately, a kiss will not suffice. Trust me, the kiss will be magical...even if not..you will want to pursue it farther. This guy will suddenly have interest for you. You will sneak off and make wild passionate love. This will happen for a period of time, then either your husband will find out, this guy will lose interest, or you will lose interest...then it will be over. Suddenly, you will face the guilt of your actions. Either you will have a secret to hide, or you will have a mees to deal with. You will look back and wish you have never taken that first kiss. Life is not a Harlequin Romance novel.

 

You need to look at this guy for who he is. Realize that behind every fantasy is reality. He has bad habits, bad breath, and characteristics that you would find disgusting. Your husband also has them, but you have accepted them as part of him. Your husband's strengths you admire, his weaknesses youcan deal with. And never forget, a guy whether single or not, will cheat on you. You will always have that lingering doubt that your relationship was founded on a betrayal and a lie.

 

Back off. Spend time thinking of why you love your husband. What is the hobby? Can you join a different group or different time?

[lovelylady1234]

I don't want to give specifics on the hobby, just in case anyone I know reads this. But I will say I am heavily invested in the hobby both with dollars and time, and it's really turning out great, so I would be losing alot if I quit. And it must be with this group of people.

My main problem is even if I removed this younger man from my life, the problems in the marriage are still there, so then it's a question of how to deal with it. This OM just brought our problems out faster. I am trying to convince my husband that counseling works.

[whichwayisup]

almost feel like if I just kissed him (the crush) it would help fight the urge to want what I can't have. Am I the only person who has ever felt this way? I feel like two different people.

 

Listen to your mind, not your heart.

 

And, kissing him will only lead to something more. It won't make that feeling go away, kissing him will make you want him MORE. Be abit more open minded and take off the blinders...I know it's harder to be objective when you're in the middle of it all, but really take that step back. James again, has amazing advice!

[bethbeatrice]

If you really love your husband and want to make your marriage work, then stay away from this other guy. More than likely, it is just lust and the feelings will go away in time. In the long run, who is more important, your husband, or some new friend. Too many of us nurture the wrong relationships and lose the one that really matters.