the_confused_one Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 We are getting married in the local courthouse after discussing destination weddings and cruises and outdoor weddings, etc for months. Now we are just gonna do it in the local courthouse and she doesn't want ANYONE to come. I can't imagine telling our families that they are not welcome when they live 10 mins away and we are joining our 2 families together on our wedding day. She is ok with going out to dinner with a few people after the wedding, but NOBODY goes to courthouse. I feel this is no compromise; I wanted an actual wedding, she wanted no wedding and we are doing no wedding. I feel it's so much unlike who I am to tell my family that they can't come. But she won't budge on the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 One question: why? What are her reasons for insisting no one attend? Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 Hmm, the only things I can think of here are a) she is already married (that's a joke ) or b) she wants to hide somebody from somebody For example, my mom made a drunken scene at my brothers wedding and my brother made a drunken scene at my sisters wedding, my abuser is also a relative, I therefore (if I am ever lucky enough to find love!) would really prefer a wedding on a beach somewhere in some foreign country. At the same time, I would never even think of telling himself that he couldnt have anyone he wanted there. I do know a guy though, who loves his family and is close to them. His fiance's parent's can't be in the same room so trying to plan a wedding was really hard for her. So, he figured, if I am making a commitment to marry this woman, and promise to make her my number 1 priority then I will give up having my family present & get my ass chewed out by my mom. So, he eloped with her and called his family to tell them they were married day after. I think it was a sacrafice for him to not have his friends and family there but he didn't show it. I thought that was really showing his love and commitment to his wife. But he knew the reasons for her not wanting to have a big wedding. If your fiance is not explaining WHY she wants to elope then I'd recommend trying to get to the bottom of it. Has she or will she say why??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_confused_one Posted August 4, 2006 Author Share Posted August 4, 2006 always one reason or another at first, destination wedding x'ed due to cost she has said before that if i want a real wedding here, then we have to fly out all of her aunts/uncles/etc and put them all up in hotels ourselves and the wedding would be VERY expensive at one point we decided on a cruise with my parents/her parents/her siblings but then her sis-in-law was cranky about it (we have to drive 7 hours to the port! what about my 3 year old?!? is he coming?!? even tho WE were gonna pay their cruise fare) and so she decided to cancel those plans now she wants in courthouse and thinks it's strange to have a bunch of people (5-12 people max) go to the courthouse with you Link to post Share on other sites
the_confused_one1 Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 different reasons/excuses at first we were gonna do a destination wedding, and we'd have to pay for her sister/mother to go, but then she decided to not do that; i think part of it was her little bros coudln't go to it since it'd be sandals, but we discussed beaches instead then we were gonna do wedding at our house, but she said we'd have to fly in all of her aunts/uncles from across the country and put them up in hotel if we were having a real wedding and the wedding would cost us many many thousands of dollars then we were gonna do a cruise with parents/siblings but her sis-in-law complained about drivign 7 horus to the port (she's a big complainer, as we were PAYING for their cruise fares!) and she decided to cancel those plans as well so now we are left with courthouse, and she thinks that having people come with us to witness it (4-12 people max) is dumb and embarrassing and she doesn't want to do that basically, she doesn't wanna have a ceremony and has jumped from idea to idea, making me think we could do it only to veto it later and now we are stuck getting married at courthouse in 3 weeks and she won't let me invite my parents nor will she invite her family...talk about rejecting your family members by telling htem they are unwelcome to see your ceremony a mere 10 minutes from where they are Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 different reasons/excuses at first we were gonna do a destination wedding, and we'd have to pay for her sister/mother to go, but then she decided to not do that; i think part of it was her little bros coudln't go to it since it'd be sandals, but we discussed beaches instead then we were gonna do wedding at our house, but she said we'd have to fly in all of her aunts/uncles from across the country and put them up in hotel if we were having a real wedding and the wedding would cost us many many thousands of dollars then we were gonna do a cruise with parents/siblings but her sis-in-law complained about drivign 7 horus to the port (she's a big complainer, as we were PAYING for their cruise fares!) and she decided to cancel those plans as well so now we are left with courthouse, and she thinks that having people come with us to witness it (4-12 people max) is dumb and embarrassing and she doesn't want to do that basically, she doesn't wanna have a ceremony and has jumped from idea to idea, making me think we could do it only to veto it later and now we are stuck getting married at courthouse in 3 weeks and she won't let me invite my parents nor will she invite her family...talk about rejecting your family members by telling htem they are unwelcome to see your ceremony a mere 10 minutes from where they are BEEP-- BEEP--- WHOOP-- WHOOP--- RED ALERT..!!!!! SHE won't let you invite YOUR FAMILY? Right now you need to stop and reconsider who you are getting married to. After you have done that tell me more about this woman who seems to already be in total control of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
P1xie Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 Is this her first marriage? I'm just asking because a lot of time when there are numerous marriages the one that has had their big day don't really care or feel the importance of it. Selfish but true. You are only suppose to get married once and you have just as much say in the day as she does. If she keeps hassling you especially about your family I would tell her I guess you don't want to marry me that bad, and postpone it for 6 mo to a year. I would anyway just because of her attitude but it's not my life. This should be a happy time. Not fight with each other but fighting with the in-laws of who is in charge of what j/k Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 So because HER family is a roadblock in one way or another, YOUR family can't attend at all. Hmm. Are you sure she really wants to get married at all? Has she expressed any other hesiations about this marriage? Are you sure you want to get married to someone who refuses to compromise on this? It sounds like it's her way or the highway, and if this is how it's starting, this is very likely how the rest of your life together will be. Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 If she keeps hassling you especially about your family I would tell her I guess you don't want to marry me that bad, and postpone it for 6 mo to a year. I would anyway just because of her attitude... P1xie is not only beautiful, but she's damn smart too. OP, this sounds like the best option, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 5, 2006 Share Posted August 5, 2006 I agree with P1xie, too. She sounds like you'll have to drag her, kicking and screaming, to the courthouse. So why bother marrying at all? One hopes that the person about to marry you would be at least somewhat excited about it and want to celebrate. It's a very bad sign that your wishes about this seem to mean nothing to her. If you think marriage will magically turn her into a 'wife' who will be considerate and caring, think again. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyinwaiting Posted August 6, 2006 Share Posted August 6, 2006 Okay, I really don't know enough about this relationship to know if this applies, but before you'll condemn the girl, I'll give you my perspective. Turns out, my fiance wants a big wedding. He's got a big family, most of whom are religious and somewhat old-fashioned and he thinks he owes it too them. He's got a megaload of friends, all of whom seem to assume they'll be invited. What's more, he's a life of the party kind of guy, who clearly loves the thought of being the centre of attention all day. I want a small wedding. As small as possible. I have very little family, and I'm not on even speaking terms with most of them because they live in other cities. I have a small core of good friends, but most of them know how much I hate attention being focused on me. I can't stand the thought of spending a day that's meant to be about my partner and I terrified that I am going to stuff up in front of my friends and family, let alone people I hardly know! So, I can feel for your girl. And, yes, I know that a wedding is about 2 people, but as even my fiance has conceded, most of the eyes in the room will be on the bride. There's no point forcing her to do what she doesn't want to do. Fwiw, my fiance and I are looking at a destination wedding in Vegas. That's far enough away from here that we doubt many people will come. He can be his outlandish self, and I don't have to worry about spilling wine on my dress or tripping over as I walk down the aisle... Link to post Share on other sites
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