Just worn down by everything

[Biff]

Despite all the things going on in my life, my failing marriage is really what has consumed me.

 

Here's what's going on with my life:

 

1. My father is dying. He was told by his doctor that he had six months to live but that was almost three years ago. Sure, he's alive but he's suffering terribly every day. When he learned that he was not going to live much longer, he sold his house in the Midwest where he live for over thirty plus years and moved to the west coast to be with me, much to the disappointment of my brother and sister who lived in the same area as he. Recently, he lost his ability to walk on his own and can only walk a few feet even with the assistance of a walker. He has end stage renal disease such that he has to go to diaylsis three days a week, which drains him of all his strength for the entire day. Recently, he is at end stage regarding his cardiac condition and has had to be rushed the hospital numerous times in the last month and a half, resulting in lengthy hospital stays. He needs my help constantly with everything, and I feel terrible that I cannot help more.

 

2. I am totally burned out with my job. I know that sounds pretty superficial in light of my first problem. However, my job has sucked the life out of my soul. I have been an attorney for ten years. I work for a large corporation defending it against mostly frivolous lawsuits ("Ow! A waitress at your restaurant dropped a spoon on my foot. Now I need back surgery!"). In the past ten years I have learned (1) there is no justice, as the justice system is irreparably broken and corrupted, (2) people in general are liars and consumed with greed, and (3) all lawyers need to die a slow, painful death. Most people only think they hate lawyers. Imagine if you had to deal with the all day, every day. My job has completely burned me out and disillusioned me such that I feel so spiritually empty.

 

"Then just quit your job, you whinning lawyer!" Yeah. I'd love to. In a second. But its tough to do things like that when you've got a family depending on you, which leads me to my main problem:

 

3. My wife has become completely distant from me. We never argue. But we never talk. Its like she's not interested in anything about me anymore. I think we had sex once in the last twelve months.

 

My wife is a stay at home mom, though she has been slowly working on getting her college degree. By slowly, I mean she has been at it for ten years and still not too close to finishing. Not that she's not smart in any way. Not by a long shot. She's very smart, but easily distracted as well has other issues.

 

Things were fine with my wife and I until six years ago, when she got pregnant. During her pregnancy, she developed the skin problem psoriasis. Not only is it unsightly but painful. Her condition is considered "severe." She even has trouble maintaining her body heat.

 

To me, her condition has not effected what I think or feel about her one bit. I still am as attracted to her as ever. I love her for who she is, and not really bothered by her superficial appearance.

 

However, her view of herself is a different matter. It has thrown her into a terrible depression, causing her to withdraw from the world.

 

She has seen some of the best specialists in the US and has tried some extreme treatments, mostly with little benefit. Recently, she started taking a new type of treatment. It costs about $15,000 for the medications alone but it was essentially the first thing ever that ever helped her even a little. However, the side effects are devastating. While her skin has begun to clear somewhat, her arthritis intensified enormously such that she has trouble walking up stairs now. She's 30 but feels like 70. She's about to start a different medication which should not have the same side effects, so I am hopeful.

 

I have given my wife a lot of slack due to what she is going through. Thus, I never ask her to do anything. Nothing. After working ten plus hours a day of soul draining work then checking up/caring for my dad, I do the shopping, make dinner, do the dishes, do the laundry, feed/tend to my cats, entertain/help with my daughter's homework, etc. I pretty much never get to relax on weekends. I work a lot on weekends and also care for my daughter more intently on my days off.

 

After all that prologue, my problem is the distance that has grown between my wife and I. Of all the things in my life, that is the one thing that I cannot bear. Or maybe its the straw that broke the camel's back. Regardless, its the issue that I would like more to remedy.

 

My wife, in her isolation, has become obsessed with Japanese films, Japanese anime, and Japanese comcs (manga). She will watch these movies all night and read stories until morning (six or seven a.m.). She does this in the spare bedroom.

 

It hurts for me to go to bed without her. I will ask her if she will be going to bed soon, and though she says she will, she won't for several hours later.

 

Well, I'm getting tired just writing all of this. Just so you all know, yes, I have read The Sex Starved Marriage. My wife thinks that it was silly to get the book. I have absolutely no desire for an affair. It's not really the sex, its the emotional intimacy that I miss and desire, and all I want is her. It pain me to recall how she was before her psoriasis, when she could not bear to be parted from me for even short periods of time. Now, not only will she visit her mom (who lives 300 miles away) for extended visits without me, even when she is in the same house as I, its like she's 5,000 miles away.

 

Is it possible to die of loneliness?

[P1xie]

I don't think it's possible to die from loneliness but it sure feels like it sometimes.

 

I'm not going to burden you with yeah I understand completely with examples of my woes. Someone else's misery doesn't make things any easier.

 

I am sure you have communicated with your wife about your feelings. This may sound crazy but have you tried to be a part of her psoriasis. Does she have topical medications? If so go to the guest room with it and offer to help her put it on. It's got to be a pain to put on your back. I don't mean this in a sexual way, basically if she sees you don't mind touching her maybe she will feel better. Bring her oral meds with water if she's on them.

 

I hope things start looking up for you. And I'm terribly sorry about your father.

[lovelylady1234]

She may need some help for depression. Alot of times people with chronic conditions suffer from depression which can cause her to withdraw. She may need therapy and/or medication for it. You may benefit from therapy yourself because it is very easy for the spouse of a depressed person to get depressed or develop anxiety. I speak from experience.

On another front, you may want to try a date night or something to rekindle the spark between you two, do you have anything in common?

[whichwayisup]

Ouch.

 

Physically she's not able to deal with life, and I see you pick up the slack and seem to do it all.

 

Emotionally, especially right now with all that is going on in your life - She atleast should be a wife to you by listening and being supportive.

 

Can you tell her that you NEED her that way? This isn't bout sex, it's about intimacy and that closeness.

[Guest]

I'm sorry for what you and your wife are going through. I don't know what type of arthritis your wife has but I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. It is a pain and does cause skin problems sometimes. I have had it for 18 years and it started in my 30's. It was really bad back then. I could hardly walk and some days had to use a cane. The doctors wanted me to take all this medicine, which I tried. It was so strong that it made my hair fall out, my stomach hurt and I had to have a blood test each week to make sure my liver was still functioning properly. I thought there has to be another way. Through prayer I found out about "fasting". You may want to look it up on line as there are several centers in California. Through fasting I am walking again normally without pain and only take over the counter pain relievers when necessary. My husband and I are back to a normal life again thank God.

 

I do have to say I was extremely depressed during my sick time (about 2 years). I didn't know if I would ever be the woman I was before and kept looking at my wonderful husband thinking he deserved someone better. The pain and depression were so bad at one point I had contemplated suicide. I guess that's when the answer came for me about fasting. I have to say that even though I was in great pain I still made dinner, washed clothes and kept the house clean. I never let my husband suffer sexually either. I must say in your wife's case with psosorasis I can imagine she doesn't feel attractive and that plays a very important role in sex. That coupled with arthritis must be excruciating. My prayers go out to you and your family!