dealing with his kids

[cierra]

Have been dating a man for a while now. He has three boys that range in age from 6 years old to 12 years old. They are good kids but rowdy as all get out and I'm really not used to rowdy kids. When they come to visit, I am sometimes uncomfortable because I see them standing up on my sofa or taking all the cushions off the sofa and things like this. They seem quite bold. Sometimes they'll search the house for my (hiding) dog and they'll be brave enough to go running around in my bedroom and looking under the bed for him. I guess my BF thinks this is okay. When I grew up I was raised to respect someone's bedroom, that it's a private place. I wouldn't have even gone into my parents bedroom (as a young child) without having asked first.

 

I also don't like the way they put their dirty socks on my nice clean sofa, or they'll boldly ask for a glass of milk or pop (when we've just come home from dinner where they had plenty to drink) then walk all over the house and down the stairs with it. I'm also sitting on pins and needles waiting for them to spill something on the floor or knock something all over the table. They make themselves quite at home, almost too at home.

 

I don't yet feel it's my place to ask them not to "do this" or "do that", or is that silly? Should I just casually take my BF aside and mention these things and ask him to speak to them about them? I'm afraid of coming across as not liking his kids and this causing some sort of rift between us, but I believe that kids should respect someone's home and not treat it like the playground. On one occasion, they were so bold as to start rooting under my sofa and pulling out books and stuff that I had under there. God, what if I'd had a porno mag or something? lol

 

He seems to let them just do anything they want to.

 

Also, the minute they walk in the door he turns the channel to some kids cartoon channel and we have to sit there and watch it for as long as the kids want to. It's almost like they all take over my home. When I was a kid, I was taught that "children are to be seen and not heard" (okay, maybe that was a bit extreme) and for my siblings and I to be polite and considerate and quietly entertain ourselves. These kids will put their big, heavy metal toys and trucks on the top of my wood coffee table and roll them across and I sit there imagining the scratches they're going to leave but I don't say anything because it seems so obvious that BF thinks it's just fine -- makes me feel like if I were to say something, he'd think I was uptight or selfish or that i just didn't like kids (or his kids).

 

When they come in the door, they don't keep their muddy or snow covered boots on the mat while taking them off, they just step all over the tile floor and make a big mess. It's like they just have no respect or that they weren't raised to act like little gentlemen. It's sometimes to the point where I spend the entire time they're here, cringing and waiting for something to get broken or spilled.

 

Do my complaints here make come across as some kind of kid-hater? I really am not, I just don't have much tolerance for unruly, poorly behaved children and it's not so much that I blame the kids, I find myself wondering what the hell their Dad (my BF) is thinking, to let his children carry on like this.

 

How do you suggest I handle this? Am I out of line here, do I seem very intolerant of kids? Do I just need to loosen up more?

[Lilly]

If my boyfriends kids behaved like this... and HE let them as if they had the run of the house, I wouldn't let them OR him in the house!. How rude and disrespectful.

 

Obviously this is how his kids behave (and why they get away with it) at his house. Dad doesn't care, why should we... yippee, lets wreck the joint!. Kids will consistently test adults to see what they can get away with, some kids get away with murder only because their guardians let them. By not disciplining these kids he's taught them this is OK, acceptable behaviour. It is NOT!.

 

To hell with not saying a word because you think he'll think you don't like his kids. I'm sure you DO like his kids.... it's their behaviour in your house you don't like. Fair enough too!. You have every right to have your territory respected, by him and by his kids. It is not your fault he lacks the maturity to discipline his kids, it is not your fault he sees this type of behaviour as perfectly OK (says a lot about him actually). If he cannot see or understand that then you are better off without him.

 

In his house, in anyone else's house they are free to behave as they wish. In YOUR house it is definately your place to speak up when these kids do stuff you to YOUR things that make you feel uncomfortable and disrepected.

 

Speak up... take control, you have the right.

[cierra]

I almost feel like I've let it go on for too long already. Now it's going to be awkward for everyone if I pipe up and say something. I should have set down the rules from day 1, but I didn't want them to feel like their first visit to my home was something similar to attending opening day at Boot Camp LOL. I wanted them to feel welcome in my home and not so stifled that they'd be afraid of moving the wrong way and pissing me off.

 

Yes I blame him. He's their Dad and should know how to handle his children when they're out visiting. I've even seen how the kids act at BF's relatives homes, they are like little terrors, act like it's their own home. I wasn't sure if maybe this was just the way that little boys act?

 

I feel like I have so many "rules" now that I'll overwhelm everyone if I start to declare them:

 

1. no socks/feet on the couch

 

2. no going into my bedroom

 

3. no standing up on my furniture

 

4. no throwing balls or toys in my house

 

5. if they want something to drink, they get water

 

One evening, the oldest just sprawled out on the sofa like it was his house, the others were on the loveseat and there I was, in my own home and didn't even have a place to sit. I was miffed. What grossed me out even more was that the kids had spent the afternoon at some kind of indoor amusement park-thing, one in which you can't wear shoes indoors, you must wear socks and I thought of all the germs in that place, all the germs all over their grubby socks (some little kids have been known to pee in these places). The oldest kid has a problem with smelly feet and there's been times his Dad will tell him to go change his socks. It creeps me out to think of stinky sweaty socks on my expensive sofa, how rude. Even at my own parent's place (I'm nearly 40) I wouldn't dare put my feet on their sofa.

 

Anyway, do I slowly introduce these rules one at a time or do I let em have it with all of them? Won't they all wonder what's come over me? I fear they'll all think I'm a b!tch because until now, i've just grinned and beared it.

 

Would it be better to speak to BF and ask him to point out the rules initially? I can't believe I have to even ask him to please ask his kids to stay out of my bedroom or not to stand on my sofa.

 

I know that men and a lot of Dads can be much more easygoing about things than women are so I thought maybe I just needed to stick it out and suck it up but it's causing resentment here and me to not even want them to come over, which isn't fair or right.

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

I get mad as hell just reading about this. The fault isn't the kids. The fault is your guys and he is a scumbag, good for nothing, inconsiderate, turkeybird. I don't think this is somebody you should want in your life.

 

It seems this is the way many people raise kids nowadays...to do whatever they want to do. And it seems like this is the way many people are these days, inconsiderate of the property of others.

 

I would stop seeing this guy, stop seeing these kids, get your carpet and furniture cleaned, and look for a guy with no kids and who has had a vasectomy.

 

Meanwhile, if you don't have the guts to tell this guy off, at least let him know you will no longer tolerate the unruly and destructive behavior of these kids at your house. If you don't respect yourself and your property, nobody else will. It's just the way life on planet earth has degenerated over the last 20 or 30 years. It's really sad.

[cierra]

I hope you didn't get the impression that I was angry with his children for acting like this. I really do blame him (and their Mom, if she allows this kind of behavior as well). I know that kids will do what they can get away with so I don't hold them responsible, I really don't. I've just never dated a man with boys before so had no idea how little boys can behave, and whether this is just par for the course or not. That's why I came here to ask =) Yes, kids must learn the basic tenets of respect from an early age, from their parents otherwise they'll go on to live lives that are filled with disrespect for others, other's property, their employers, the earth, etc. I thank you for a guy's perspective on this.

I get mad as hell just reading about this. The fault isn't the kids. The fault is your guys and he is a scumbag, good for nothing, inconsiderate, turkeybird. I don't think this is somebody you should want in your life. It seems this is the way many people raise kids nowadays...to do whatever they want to do. And it seems like this is the way many people are these days, inconsiderate of the property of others. I would stop seeing this guy, stop seeing these kids, get your carpet and furniture cleaned, and look for a guy with no kids and who has had a vasectomy. Meanwhile, if you don't have the guts to tell this guy off, at least let him know you will no longer tolerate the unruly and destructive behavior of these kids at your house. If you don't respect yourself and your property, nobody else will. It's just the way life on planet earth has degenerated over the last 20 or 30 years. It's really sad.