Does Marriage counseling work?

[lovelylady1234]

(Because of the great people on this board)

I am now trying to convince my hubby to go to marriage counseling. He is opposed to it. Stating "it's the beginning of the end", I feel that it will help us communicate better. How can I convince him to go? And for those of you that have done it, has it helped (please be honest)?

[quankanne]

more like the beginning of the end of poor communication in your marriage!

 

DH and I went on a Marriage Encounter weekend about 7 years ago, and initially, he hemmed and hawed about going, saying we had a good marriage and didn't need this. He surprised me by offering to go when I casually made the comment that a priest friend of mine, who'd moved up to Cincinnati, was on the host team for an upcoming weekend. I won't lie – it was a pretty intensive weekend that focused on him and I and our marriage, but it was an eye-opener in that we learned how we could improve communication in our marriage. If you ask him, he'll tell you it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage!

 

why? Because I learned how to be more patient with what was going on, and to appreciate what he brought to our marriage; Mr. Q (who has been married twice before) got a better understanding of how and why I see marriage the way I do (based on my religious upbringing). Most importantly, the whole retreat began with the question of "what first attracted me to my spouse," which really put into perspective how and why we got together! The weekend also gave us a lot of good tools for communicating better. We've been married 14 years, and I don't think we could be more in tune than we are now ...

 

 

if he's opposed to counseling because of a negative image he has of it, offer to look for programs that help strengthen already good marriages. Because, no matter how good things are, there's always room for improvement in any interpersonal relationship. I've seen MarriageBuilders touted on this site a lot, and I've been singing my praises of Marriage Encounter to anyone who asks. But, I'm sure there are other programs out there that do just as good, you need only seek them out.

 

a good program will give you the tools to better communicate with your spouse/significant other, not pick on someone for not doing something right. It's a gift you won't regret giving yourself and your spouse.

 

good luck!

[whichwayisup]

MC will only work if BOTH of you are willing to be openminded and want to make it work.

 

If one or both of you have negative attitudes towards it, then obviously it won't work.

[EndoftheRope]

Did MC work? Yes and no, which is more positive than the "no" I originally intended to give.

 

We went 13 years ago when we were separated and newly re-united. The first counselor, a priest, was downright useless, not necessarily because of any flaws in him, but because H was downright opposed to counseling and rude to the man. The second counselor at the time was great. H liked her. But he didn't follow through on anything she told him to do. So we went back to the same old grind.

 

We went to Retrouvaille a year ago April, and I think there were some positive benefits, but in the end, it was not the miracle cure for us that it is for many couples, because he was still getting his daily 'you're such a special friend' e-mail forwards from the 'cute' girl whose desk he just loved to visit. I have also figured out recently that he was also still secretly corresponding with another female friend through all of that, too. (How bad the e-mails themselves were, I couldn't say, but the secrecy and lies certainly can't remain and expect the marriage to improve.) Retrouvaille is very clear that affairs need to end before attending, and he was still getting e-mails from the one and keeping secrets regarding the other. If we went today, I think I'd have a more positive outcome to report.

 

We were seeing a marriage counselor from March until June. In all honesty, I think we'd hammered out most of the changes prior to seeing him. He did press my husband on the need to be an open book and open his e-mail accounts to me. H refused to open his work account on grounds there's confidential information there, promised to send me all personal e-mail from his work account, and swore to be that open book.

 

Okay, we're sliding back to a complete no, counseling wasn't helpful here, because he made the promise, but in the last week, I discovered he didn't keep it-- just used it to hang over my head that he's supposedly such an open book.

 

The counselor's answers to me, in the end, were,

 

* "Can you just set aside concerns about the lying for now?"

* "When he tells inconsistent stories, instead of calling it lying, can you say, 'Hmm, that's inexplicable?'" AND

* "Act as if everything is okay."

 

When we didn't have a further appointment set up, he wrote asking if we were coming back. I e-mailed asking if he had anything more to offer me than pretending things are great and overlooking the lying. I got back an answer that as long as I believe there's a current involvement and H insists there isn't, we're at a standoff, and that is a pointless and sad way to live. (Yes, isn't that what counseling is supposed to help us get out of??? Either show me where I'm being unreasonable and misunderstanding and how he could be telling the truth, or convince him to finally come clean!!) So (the MC continued) he's sorry he has no more to offer us. ?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

It is since I got that e-mail from the counselor that I discovered H was indeed still in contact with the 13 year long secret friend, via his work account, and deceiving me about it. So, yes, I guess I was right that there was an involvement of some sort. I guess I was right that I was still being lied to, and the counselor was useless in helping me figure that out. H promised me he has cut off all contact with her, and we reached that point on our own, not with the help of any counselor.

 

SIGH.

 

If counseling has done us any good, it's in ways I can't see. For instance, the counselor did point out to H that maybe his family is just a little biased and holding unfair opinions of me, as opposed to H's view that I'm really the problem there. Maybe hearing those things from someone else has been working in his mind and making changes that are not yet obvious to me.

[Alexandra]

MC will only work if BOTH of you are willing to be openminded and want to make it work.

 

If one or both of you have negative attitudes towards it, then obviously it won't work.

 

That can't be said enough. Absolutely right.

 

However, many a times the spouse that initially doesn't want to even try MC does change attitude rather early during the course of the sessions.

 

Whether it works or not primarily depends on the reason why the two are in MC. Was it "to prevent" or "to fix" as the inner terminology calls it. Meaning, is the marriage at a level where things are going downhill due to stress, lack of communication, loss of intimacy, separate issues of the spouses manifesting themselves in the relationship, etc or is it that the marriage has suffered a serious trauma already such as infidelity, extensive abuse, loss of a child, and so on. Statistically I think it is the first instance that appears to benefit most from MC.

 

In your case, from what I read on your other threads, yes, I'd say it's definitely worth a go and will help you both a lot if you can get him to try it with you.

 

Good luck.