Driving him even *further* away

[BohemeRose]

A few months ago, I met the love of my life. I can honestly say I've never felt this strongly for anyone before (and I have dated around quite a bit) and I believe we were meant to be together. When we're together, all is right in the world and I couldn't be happier.

 

The problem? Well, there's several.

1) I live in New Jersey and he lives in Ontario. It's an 8 hour drive, 2 hour plane ride, and 12 hour train ride. He doesn't have a car so he can't drive down here to see me and I'm terrified of driving long distances on my own. The train ride is just too damn long. The plane is best, but far too expensive to take often. So, we barely get to see one another.

 

2) I feel as if I've been driving him away lately. I pick fights with him over silly things, and he doesn't get angry (or so he says) but obviously frusterated. I get upset when we only get to talk for 30 minutes (we talk every night, but he works long hours in a factory and is sometimes very tired when he gets home) or if we're on the phone and run out of things to talk about. I accuse him of not wanting to talk to me, which just makes him upset. He says things like "You need to understand that I love you and you're the one I want to start a life with." and things like that, and it makes me happy for the moment but I always go back to that insecure place where I want to cry and accuse him of not loving me...

 

I'm paranoid that he's cheating on me, with very little ground to base it on. I almost always know where he is, I even talk to his room mate and mother so it would be hard for him to lie to me. Not that he has, as far as I can tell.

 

I just don't know what my problem is. My rational mind says that he has a life up there and can't spend every waking moment on the phone with me, and that if conversation runs dry once in awhile it's not the end of the world...but that over-emotional, hopelessly in love part of me is putting me through agony.

 

I'm just scared to death that he'll get tired of my bull**** and break it off. I don't think I could handle that...

 

Any advice for me?? Please???

[Poboy]

Firstly , 12 hr train ride is not long but more of an excuse. in LDR ,meeting up as much as possible is a very important part in keeping the relationship healthy and good . try to do that more often. Every 3 months I travel 1000 kms - 24 hr train ride to see my Love and she does the same after 3 months. Im not saying do the same but make efforts to met him and the same goes for him too

 

He obviously loves you but you have some insecurities and trust issues. Talk to him and tell him about what you are feeling like and share your side of the story to him rather then picking up fights and doubting him. Work on building and maintaining the relatioship rather than doing things which do the opposite.

good luck

[BohemeRose]

I agree that 12 hours isn't too long to see the love of your life, but we both are in really bad financial situations right now and 12 hours travel time would mean taking 2 extra days off of work (one for each way) and that may not sound like a lot, but it's a matter of being able to pay that month's rent. I mean, it won't be like that forever, we both just had some very unfortunate happenings that drained our wallets (my car pretty much exploded and he had to cover his room mate's rent or the kid would've been out on the street) and taking too much time off of work isn't really an option.

 

And I do agree about my insecurities. When I try to talk to him, it just turns into me being over-emotional and nasty. I guess I need to work on my tact...

 

Currently, I'm freaking out because he was supposed to call me back last night and didn't. He was exhausted, working long hours in a factory in extreme heat, so he probably just dozed off, but I can't help but take it personally. I shouldn't though, right?

[Poboy]

ok , i didnt know about the financial situation . well so whenever the oppurtunity arises , do meet up and yes things will improve , there are ups n downs in life ... i wish you good luck

Sometimes , these things happen ... no calls , no msgs , emails etc. dont take them personally ... if he didnt call , did u try to call him ? let these small things go and as you said , you need to work on your tact , be more patient and trusting & and if he needs to improve in any area, let him know ... it will be efforts on both sides which makes it work

[BohemeRose]

We had been talking earlier in the night and then he had to go to get something to eat. That was at about 8pm. He didn't call back by the time 11pm rolled around so I gave him a call. He said he was laying down and resting so that he could call me in a bit and chat for awhile, knowing I had been upset we haven't been talking much lately. He didn't call back at all. He did sound exhausted, so he probably fell asleep, but I had even asked him if he'd rather not call back and he insisted he would so...I dunno. That really hurt my feelings.

 

It's almost 11am here now. I'm fighting the urge to call him, as I'd feel as if I were suffocating him. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself anymore, to be honest.

[Outcast]

I can't help but take it personally. I shouldn't though, right?

 

Correct.

 

I feel like I don't know what to do with myself anymore, to be honest.

 

You have GOT to get a grip. Understand that mistrusting someone is very insulting. Imagine if you, presumably a trustworthy soul, weren't trusted by the guy who should love you the most.

 

Love needs trust to flourish; you cannot love someone if you don't trust him, period. Distrust means you don't think he's an honourable or decent person and therefore you don't like him enough to love him.

 

And that's the message you send when you distrust someone you claim to love.

 

Find ways to occupy yourself rather than obsessing over him all the time. You do NOT want to be one of those clingy, needy people. Imagine being him and dealing with someone who has to be glued to you - whether there physically or not - all the time. Eventually you'd be longing for a crowbar to pry him off!

That alone should be enough to stop you.

[Rikka]

Ok, it's like poboy says... you have to relax and work on how you are dealing with this. Otherwise the thing you fear the most will come to pass.

 

You love this man. I assume you trust this man. Rely on those two facts. He has never given you cause to doubt him. Now, I know this is easier said than done. I understand the emotional battles that can rage in one's head. But you shouldn't give voice to those battles.

 

As stupid as it sounds, do you have anything else in your life? I know you work and you have him, but are there any other passions in your life? Perhaps if you had other things to devote time and energy to, it would be easier to relax in this area of your life. As someone said in another thread, you have to love yourself and love your life.

[BohemeRose]

Correct.

 

 

 

You have GOT to get a grip. Understand that mistrusting someone is very insulting. Imagine if you, presumably a trustworthy soul, weren't trusted by the guy who should love you the most...

 

Find ways to occupy yourself rather than obsessing over him all the time. You do NOT want to be one of those clingy, needy people. Imagine being him and dealing with someone who has to be glued to you - whether there physically or not - all the time. Eventually you'd be longing for a crowbar to pry him off!

That alone should be enough to stop you.

 

First of all, I've never accused him of cheating on me or doing anything "untrustworthy." While they are thoughts I've had, I've known better than to voice such accusations knowing they're basically unfounded but moreso paranoid thoughts brought on by outrageous insecurities that I have no control over.

 

Secondly, I don't sit around obsessing over him all day. I work 6 days a week, he works five. We talk for a couple hours a day, if that as of late, and that's it. In fact, he's always saying how he's more obsessed with me than I am of him.

 

I realize you're trying to be helpful, and that's appreciated, but you could be a little more...sensitive about it? Maybe?

[BohemeRose]

Ok, it's like poboy says... you have to relax and work on how you are dealing with this. Otherwise the thing you fear the most will come to pass....

 

As stupid as it sounds, do you have anything else in your life? I know you work and you have him, but are there any other passions in your life? Perhaps if you had other things to devote time and energy to, it would be easier to relax in this area of your life. As someone said in another thread, you have to love yourself and love your life.

 

I know both you and poboy are right. I would like to give myself the chance to just chill out and let him know how much I do love and trust him. I plan on apologizing for my recent blow-ups, as soon as he bothers to call....I can't say I blame him for being hesitant, however.

 

And that doesn't sound stupid at all! The truth is besides work (that normally takes up 6 days of my week) I don't get around to doing much else. Cleaning and hanging out a bit with my girl friends, who are also very busy, so sometimes that doesn't even happen. I try to occupy myself with cleaning or writing or fiddling with the computer, but it doesn't seem to help very much.

[Outcast]

While they are thoughts I've had, I've known better than to voice such accusations knowing they're basically unfounded but moreso paranoid thoughts brought on by outrageous insecurities that I have no control over.

 

You know darn well that he knows perfectly why you blow up at him. You don't have to 'voice such accusations'.

 

The truth is besides work (that normally takes up 6 days of my week) I don't get around to doing much else.

 

Precisely. Get a hobby. Go visit old people. Get involved in raising money for a cause. Find something to do so that your brain gloms onto him because you're not otherwise occupied .

[InaPanic]

Bohemerose I know exactly where you are coming from. The LDR I have is suffering. Mainly because of me my recent flip outs & insecurities. I have accused him of everything & it has escalated into major blowups, major. He went from a person who called me numerous times a day to someone who calls maybe twice a day & maybe a couple emails. I am trying to back off & give him some space even though he was the smothering one before. I realize I have hurt him with my doubts that I have voiced to him & I have been way to clingy & needy. It's not attractive to someone & I know it but it's hard to stop myself.

I have no advice because I'm trying to stop obsessing on this person as i type. So best of luck & hopefully we will get better.

[BohemeRose]

Thanks for the reply, InaPanic. Even if you weren't posting advice, just knowing someone related to how I was feeling is very helpful.

 

Luckily, I managed to calm myself down enough to talk to him rationally and explain why I've been so edgy lately. We came to the conclusion that it's my frustration with the situation, not with him. I was upset because I miss him, not because I thought he didn't love me or that he was being unfaithful. He's been more attentive, even calling as soon as he gets home from work (which I didn't even ask for, as I figured most people like down time after they get home from a work day) and we've both been happier overall.

 

Hopefully, you and your boyfriend will patch things up. I'm sure he still cares about you just as much as he did before, and it's just a matter of getting the kinks out. Good luck with everything.

[norajane]

And I do agree about my insecurities. When I try to talk to him, it just turns into me being over-emotional and nasty. I guess I need to work on my tact...

 

Currently, I'm freaking out because he was supposed to call me back last night and didn't. He was exhausted, working long hours in a factory in extreme heat, so he probably just dozed off, but I can't help but take it personally. I shouldn't though, right?

 

So, this man is breaking his back working in unbearable heat and all you can do is be insecure about your imaginary fears?

 

Sweets, if you LOVE this man as you say you do, why aren't you more concerned about his health and well-being? Perhaps you could set aside your insecurities long enough to LISTEN to what he's telling you. Perhaps you could set aside your insecurities long enough to be more sensitive to HIM, and how draining it is to work in a factory in 100 degree heat. Perhaps, instead of bitching at him, you could sympathize with how hard he works. Be kind to this man you love instead of making him feel even worse. If you don't stop this right now, you'll turn yourself into an oblilgation rather than a joy, and once that happens, he's going to call you less and less until he stops altogether.

 

I suspect the reason you're running out of conversation is because you talk to each other too often. It's not like things change a whole lot in a day, and if all you're doing is working and nothing else, you really don't have much to talk about.

 

Do you read newspapers and get interested in politics and what is going on in the world? Do you read books (free from the library) and have favorite authors? Do you ever go to see live (free) music in the park or to a museum on free days or bike riding or for a hike somewhere or do anything worth talking about?

 

You have to become a whole person yourself rather than relying on this relationship to make you whole. Otherwise you become a boring, clingy, needy, insecure person, and you see what effect that has!

[BohemeRose]

So, this man is breaking his back working in unbearable heat and all you can do is be insecure about your imaginary fears?

 

Sweets, if you LOVE this man as you say you do, why aren't you more concerned about his health and well-being? Perhaps you could set aside your insecurities long enough to LISTEN to what he's telling you. Perhaps you could set aside your insecurities long enough to be more sensitive to HIM, and how draining it is to work in a factory in 100 degree heat. Perhaps, instead of bitching at him, you could sympathize with how hard he works. Be kind to this man you love instead of making him feel even worse. If you don't stop this right now, you'll turn yourself into an oblilgation rather than a joy, and once that happens, he's going to call you less and less until he stops altogether.

 

I suspect the reason you're running out of conversation is because you talk to each other too often. It's not like things change a whole lot in a day, and if all you're doing is working and nothing else, you really don't have much to talk about.

 

Do you read newspapers and get interested in politics and what is going on in the world? Do you read books (free from the library) and have favorite authors? Do you ever go to see live (free) music in the park or to a museum on free days or bike riding or for a hike somewhere or do anything worth talking about?

 

You have to become a whole person yourself rather than relying on this relationship to make you whole. Otherwise you become a boring, clingy, needy, insecure person, and you see what effect that has!

 

While advice is always appreciated, it may have done you some good to read the rest of the posts. This issue has been resolved, if not completely to a point where it is not a strain on the relationship. As for where we are on the phone calls right now, see my reply to InaPanic, posted right above your reply.

 

However, I now feel the need to address a few things you've stated.

 

For you to say I am not concerned with his well being is far from the truth, and rather insulting. His health, regarding work and his overall well-being, has been discussed between us ad nauseum. He knows how concerned I am about him on a daily basis. I appreciate how hard he works, which is something else he is well aware of. At no point did I say that him going home and going to sleep was unwarrented. I have even asked him to consider another line of work, knowing how much of a toll this job takes on his body. He said no, and I dropped that idea.

 

Next, I never "bitched" at him (okay, maybe once). I would voice concerns in as calm a manner as possible. Believe it or not, it's possible for a woman to bring up something that's bothering her without it being considered "bitching." It was more like discussion.

 

As an English/secondary education major, I do read. I read quite a bit as a matter of fact. I choose not to involve myself in politics any longer, but have had my foot in several political clubs at my university. I read, I write when the urge hits me, I draw, I paint, I PLAY and SING my own music, among many other things. You're basically accusing me of having no personality of my own, and that is far from the truth. While I may have set aside a good deal of these activities as of late, for reasons that are my own, I am well aware of them, thank you.

As of late, I've been spending a lot more time with my friends, and getting ready to go back to school, but that doesn't make me miss conversation with him any less. He still just goes to work, comes home, eats, talks to me, and sleeps. It's difficult to hold up a conversation on my own, but I feel much more comfortable with where we are for the moment, and more hopeful for our future. I know things will be better when we're together and the whole relationship isn't reliant upon phone conversations.

 

Perhaps some advice would be more constructive if such harsh assumptions were not made.