husband's flaws

[Guest]

I need advice. I have been married for 5 months. My husband and I have been having problems since day 1. We are exact opposites of each other - he's extroverted, i'm introverted; he's laid back/easy going, i'm not, etc. Initially, we thought that we would complement each other, but now I am starting to think that perhaps we're just too different. The problem is with me. I have trouble accepting his flaws. I knew that he had flaws before we got married. And I have plenty of my own - I am well aware of them. But I can no longer accept him JUST AS HE IS. Why is that? I know that if you love somebody, you love everything about them. And I tell myself this every day, with every critical thought that pops in my head. Does this mean that I no longer love him? I don't know if any of this makes any sense. But perhaps someone else's perspective could be the key to rationalizing this situation.

[tinktronik]

You don't have to love everything about your spouse. You just have to be aware of your spouses attributes and flaws , if you can weigh them and the attributes outweigh the flaws , your doing okay.

 

Do you mind if I ask what specifically it is that you can not live with?

[JamesM]

Ahhh, welcome to the first few months of marriage!

 

My wife and I have been married 16 years, but I can remember some of those first months. We had many many fights...as related to now. We took everything as a major problem. It is called adjustment.

 

Now that you have entered into the "blissful matrimonial state," you realize that the fantasy of "and they lived happily ever after" is just that. Now you will need to adjust to his flaws as he is to yours. You say you are opposite. Sit back, and I bet you will also see how you are the same. Spend as much time as you can, and communicate about what you are having difficulty with. When you fight, don't try to win...try to resolve. In matrimonial fights, no one wins unless both win.

 

Take the opposites and LET them complement each other. Think...if you were both stressed, then you would both be twitting out in a crisis. But with one being laid back, then both can handle the crisis in a rational manner. However, if both were laid back in day to day activities, then not as much would be accomplished.

 

My suggestion is to go with the flow. Focus on the fun times. Learn from the bad times, and DON'T give up. This too shall pass, and someday you and your husband will look back like my wife and I and say, "Remember when we used to take those long midnight walks around town...alone?"

[Outcast]

This happens because you are convinced that the way you live is the best way to live and so things he does which are not like things you do bug you.

 

Love requires that you not be focused on you, your interests, the way you run things, etc. Love requires that you let go of things and allow another human being, who is different from you, exist in his own way.

 

Unfortunately, after the first glow of 'I love you and will do anything for you' wears off, people shrink back into themselves, want things THEIR way, think of their needs first, etc. And relationships break down.

 

You say you're not the 'laid back' one. Not surprising. So how controlling are you? Because being 'laid back' is the absence of needing to be in control (of whatever - oneself, others, anything) and those who aren't are controlling to some degree. Is it minimal enough that you can get a handle on it and accept that not everyone has to be like you or do you get seriously stressed when things are not just so? In the latter case, you may need therapy to try to ease up.

[tinktronik]

Actually we don't know what the flaws are yet. He could be chopping up live goats in the basement or peeing on the carpet , or some such outrageous thing. So when she says flaws , I suppose it depends on what the flaws are.

[silktricks]

But I can no longer accept him JUST AS HE IS. Why is that? I know that if you love somebody, you love everything about them.

 

You need to accept him JUST AS HE IS. You should not EVER try to change someone. However, that does NOT mean that "if you love somebody, you love everything about them." You can love someone and sincerely hate somethings about them. You just shouldn't be trying to mold another person into your perception of perfection. He is not you. You are not him. Would you want him to try to make you laid back? No, you'd hate it, because that's not you.

 

Now, that doesn't mean that some compromise on both of your parts isn't in order, because compromise is a basic requirement of marriage. If it drives you utterly up the wall because he takes off his underwear and socks and leaves them right where they drop (for example) - that's something that maybe he should work on changing. But conversely, if you ask him to make that change for you, then you need to work on changing one of your habits that makes him want to chew nails. (and trust me on this, there are some.)

 

Five months into marriage is nothing. If you were in love when you got married you are still in love. You're just adjusting to one another. The key to a successful marriage is communication, though. So if somethings he is doing is driving you nuts, tell him. But when you do that, also tell him that you bet some of the things you are doing is driving him nuts, and you'd like to work on those, for him.

[Guest]

Thanks to all who replied. Probably the hardest thing for me to accept about him is his flakiness. He cannot commit to anything, whether it is maintaining his workouts or quiting smoking. And what hurts the most is that I try my best to be his support system. He will have me completely convinced of something and then one day he just gives up and says "I am allowed to change my mind" or "I never made any promises" or "I was just thinking out loud." Sometimes I forget that not everyone can be as disciplined as I am. But with him, there always seems to be an excuse for everything.

 

I guess I could be considered controlling. I don't keep him on a leash, but ever since we have gotten married, I have had to be the one to take charge of everything because he lived the typical bachelor life....unstructured!! So in a way, I am controlling, because one of us has to be organized, and it sure isn't going to be him. I have not tried to change him but that has inevitably occured. He reminds me every day that he has made changes, but good changes - eating healthy, living in a relatively clean environment, even squeezing in a work out every now and then. He has even become the chef in the family and enjoys trying a new recipe every week. But sometimes I wish he would take things a little bit more seriously.

 

Anytime I want to have a serious talk, he doesn't want to hear about it. My timing always seems to be off, or my attitude "sucks," or he's too involved in his computer game. And once we do try to have a discussion, he immediately gets defensive. Naturally I respond to that by also being defensive and it turns into a full-blown fight. Over the past couple of weeks, we have been at each others' throats. It has gotten so bad that I don't want to come home. Perhaps all of this constant bickering is the reason why recently I have had trouble accepting him just as he is.....

[Outcast]

Anytime I want to have a serious talk, he doesn't want to hear about it. My timing always seems to be off, or my attitude "sucks," or he's too involved in his computer game. And once we do try to have a discussion, he immediately gets defensive. Naturally I respond to that by also being defensive and it turns into a full-blown fight. Over the past couple of weeks, we have been at each others' throats. It has gotten so bad that I don't want to come home. Perhaps all of this constant bickering is the reason why recently I have had trouble accepting him just as he is...

 

I'm betting that these 'serious talks' usually involve you telling him how he needs to straighten up.

[Guest]

I'm betting that these 'serious talks' usually involve you telling him how he needs to straighten up.

 

No, these serious talks involve the issues that we're dealing with. One of the biggest reasons why we argue is that we haven't yet figured out a way to communicate with each other. Call me crazy, but I think it's important for us to be able to take a step back from the argument, regroup, and discuss our problems like two rational adults.