Left my affair partner - so unhappy

[stockmos]

On Tuesday I confessed to my live in partner of seven years (we are not married nor have children by the way) that I have been having an affair. My live in partner was understandably devasted by the revelation but said that she would do anything, anything, to keep me, including forgiving me for the affair.

 

The affair has lasted all this year and at one point I moved out - although my partner still did not know that I was seeing someone else, she simply thought I was unhappy in the relationship.

 

In the weeks leading up to the confession I was absolutely convinced I was going to finally leave my partner, move out - to live on my own - and have a serious monogomous relationship with my affair partner.

 

On Thursday I went to my relationship psychotherapist - for only the second time. I had arranged to meet my affair partner after the session. At the time I intended to do nothing more than spend some time with her in the city.

 

As a result of an intense therapy session, we concluded that I needed some space and that could be attained by leaving my affair partner. She said "If you are meant to be together, you will be anyway." I therefore met my affair partner and finished with her immediately. She was very shocked, angry and upset. She told me that this would be the last time I would ever see her and not to contact her. I have not done so since.

 

I went back home and immediately told my live in partner what had happened. Since then, she pretty much behaves as if life is completely back to normal, which I find a bit odd.

 

At first I felt relief that I had made a firm decision. But as the minutes turned into hours and now days, I have begun to feel worse and worse. I miss my affair partner more than I have missed any woman in my life. I feel immense grief and deep sorrow. I think about her every minute, every second - I am not even exaggerating. I am unable to concentrate on anything, or any conversation with anyone. I feel as if the bottom has dropped out of my life - I feel far far far far worse than I did in the past when relationships I had lasting 7 years and 3 years ended. My whole life feels completely empty and I cannot comprehend why I acted as I did. I feel as if my whole self is weeping inside.

 

Yes, I know I have messed up things this year. I am human and I screwed up my life. I know that so please do not come on here and tell me I deserve all this.

 

I simply do not understand what has happened in the last days, why I acted as I did, why I feel such intense deep sadness and how I am going to pick up things from here.

[Chinook]

Are you sure you made the right decision...?

 

If you don't really love your partner of 7 years then why are you still there..? Obligation to not let her down is not a very good reason to stay IMHO.

 

If it's truly your affair partner who you love, you're going to be short-changing your girlfriend and effectively stealing her time. She deserves a chance to move on and maybe choose a life with someone who can give her 110%

[stockmos]

Are you sure you made the right decision...?

 

If you don't really love your partner of 7 years then why are you still there..? Obligation to not let her down is not a very good reason to stay IMHO.

 

If it's truly your affair partner who you love, you're going to be short-changing your girlfriend and effectively stealing her time. She deserves a chance to move on and maybe choose a life with someone who can give her 110%

 

1. No.

 

2. Don't know. I agree with you.

 

3. I agree with you.

 

But why have I got so "stuck"? To the extent that I even need to go into therapy? Why would I make the "wrong" decision?

[SoleMate]

The end of almost any intimate r/s will cause pain. It's just a case of your primitive, brainstem pair bonding reaction not having caught up with your head's decision to end the r/s.

 

But I do wonder...since you are not married and have no children with your current live-in lover, and you prefer another woman, why do you not leave to be with the woman you prefer?

 

If you actually DO choose your live-in gf, for rational reasons, then go NC with your affair partner and spend lots of time with your gf, doing whatever best meets both of your ENs (emotional needs) - things like companionship, sex, conversation, affection, recreational companionship, etc. Please see the books and online info of Willard Harley for more info.

[norajane]

How did your 3 year relationship end? Did you have an affair then too? Did you leave that relationship and immediately dive into another one?

 

There must be a reason your therapist suggested breaking up with your affair partner at the same time as your current relationship. There must be a reason you agreed and thought it was a good idea. Consider those reasons again, and figure out if there's a bigger picture that you focused on when you ended the affair. If so, then try to hold on to that when the pain is at its worst...if there is a greater good in mind, you're doing this because it's best for you.

[stockmos]

The three year relationship ended because my partner was much younger than me and was not ready to settle down with me and she ended it. We are now good friends.

 

 

The therapist said that I needed space. Secondly, she said that I had a history of long, stable relationships and that all my family did as well. She said that this was bound to affect my thinking and that I would tend to not to want to give up a relationship without a fight - as things stood, I had left the relationship by the "back door".

 

However, I'm not convinced. Am I just destined to follow a certain behaviour pattern because it runs in the family? Also, I have never had an affair before in 25 years since I had my first relationship at the age of 17.

 

As for having sex with my long-term partner, I feel no desire to do so whatsoever. I am attracted to the affair partner. The therapist claims it can be transferred back over in some way, which I am very dubious about.