Triangle just arose. Advise if you can.

[Alexandra-Girl]

Hi everyone,

 

I was hoping someone could give me some light on this issue.

 

My boyfriend and I have myspace accounts. (I'm not a jealous person and neither is he, so this is not a problem). I posted a note to another friend on my myspace about a triangular relationship problem and how all parties involved need to grow the f<>k up. At the time of posting, I was also heading for a vacation with my boyfriend so I erased everything from myspace and left two pictures of myself up to change the default profile picture. No problem here, yet.

 

Well, I started enroute to meet my boyfriend and I get this phone call from him. He is asking me about myspace and who it is directed to. I told him and all was fine. We normally have great communication. I continued driving and started thinking about the questioning. He's questioned before about something as I have told him to always ask me if he has any thoughts about something.

 

Here is the problem. He phoned me because his friend (a woman) called him on his cell to discuss MY myspace. He hadn't seen this himself. I know this woman has always had a hope for an intimate relationship between the two of them and he has always told her he's not interested in pursuing that avenue with her. She said that she was concerned that we had broken up so she was checking to see if her friend was okay. This is what he thinks. Fine they're friends, big deal. I can't and won't change that. I just have to deal. I have met this woman once, saying hello. She despises me because I am the woman that he is with. I was initially hurt that she didn't like me and didn't know me, but I understand that there are women out there like that and it's not me personally just the role I fill in his life.

 

The biggest issue is that I was excited to see him and then I get this call that would not have otherwise occurred if it wasn't for this friend of his being nosy. My mini vacation with him was ruined. She put me in a sluggish mood that made me feel like she was undermining my boyfriends feelings towards me. He doesn't see her actions as undermining as she said that she was concerned that he was headed for a fight. He has told me that she has a lot of time on her hands and she goes through my myspace and my friends spaces too to get an understanding of what is going on - but now she is reporting to my boyfriend. I don't know what to do anymore. I am beginning to feel like her feelings are worth so much more than mine and it's making me uncomfortable. He is catering to her emotional heartbreak and thus I am now catering to her. I marked my profile private but that is my catering to her since I otherwise would not have done so. I honestly cringe when she calls him because I think what the hell is wrong now. He continuously defends her by saying she is concerned for him as a friend, but when is enough, enough? While he is defending her friendship tactics, he is inadvertantly making me feel responsible for her emotions. He told her to back off, stop torturing herself and just deal with 'us' and if she can't then she splits. She said she was going to split because she couldn't deal with it, yet she came back a week later. I am at an utter loss. All avenues of my relationship with my boyfriend are amazing. It is just this undermining that has risen in the last few days. If I remove myself from myspace entirely I cater to her again. I don't know what to do or if anything can even be done to stop her friendship meddling... and the worst part is that I think I am falling in love with this man while at the same time I am getting discouraged and holding myself back emotionally from him now because of her emotional insability.

 

I told him how I feel about this triangle that she has now created for us... ironic! I am nervous that if he mentions this to her, she will only create further reports because now I noted to him that this is getting under my skin and backing me into a corner.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions? I want to be able to tell him that I am falling in love with him, but as it stands I don't think I have the freedom to do this without reprecussion by this woman.

[mental_traveller]

What do you do when your SO's friendship with a member of the opposite sex starts seriously interfering with your relationship? The answer is always the same - you tell them it's interfering, and demand they either change the situation to get rid of the interference, or if that doesn't work then you demand that they immediately end the friendship.

 

It's pretty simple really - you have to put your foot down and refuse to accept this situation. First, get him to understand how it is affecting you - if he's a decent guy and has feelings for you, he will then probably volunteer to change the situation himself. If he doesn't, then you need to simply put an ultimatium, end the friendship or this relationship is over. Then he has to decide which is more important, you or her, and if he chooses her then quite frankly you'll be done a favour because you'll realise his true priorities and get rid of a guy who isn't that into you.

 

Finally, you should *never* allow your SO to be friends with someone of the opposite sex who hates you or disrespects you. That's just asking for trouble.

 

You need to lay down the law, girl.

[superconductor]

"Demand"? "Lay down the law"?

 

That's a good way to end up on the "dumped for reasons of wanting control" list.

 

I'd suggest a far less ultimatum-style approach. This isn't about her, it's about the relationship between you and your man. And if it's as strong and positive and communicative as it seems to be (based on what you've written), then IMHO you'd be far better off with a gentler and more conciliatory approach.

[nicki]

A combination of being gentle while being firm is a good idea.

 

I agree with what mental traveller said. He's right. Say everything he said to your boyfriend.

[Guest]

Don't give an ultimatum, that will just force the friendship into secrecy and make you a villan. Both will work to her advantage.

 

Do let him know the way she acts bothers you, but leave it entirely up to him to decide what to do about it. Don't even make suggestions. If he cares enough about your feelings to change or end the friendship, great. If not, you may want to reevaluate if this is a relationship you need to stay in because you are obviously not a priority to him.

[mscmkr]

im thinking mental traveller is having issues with the oposite sex. never demand anything or put down an ultimatum. thats the best way to end a relationship. right when you do this he will see you as someone who doesnt respect his desicions. and also doesnt respect his friendships outside of your relationship.

what guest said is absolutely correct. it is his responsibility to take care of the situation not yours. at the same time, you are fully within your rights to leave if he doesnt do something. if this is something that makes you unhappy or feel uncomfortable you have the right to get out.

you cannot try to end someones friendships. you cannot do this. you do not posses the person you are in a relationship with. you do not demand he do things. this person must be aloud to live there life. two free souls coming together will make a very happy relationship if they are aloud to keep breathing within that relationship. always remember this.

[Alexandra-Girl]

Hey guys,

 

I'm not really looking at an ultimatum issue. I did state that this is something I will not do... reference "Fine they're friends, big deal. I can't and won't change that. I just have to deal."

 

Sort of what I am looking for is what I can do to lessen my own issues with this and trust her. I don't want to feel uncomfortable with her being around and I don't want him to hide the fact that he goes out with her. I know he should keep his own friends. I have many males that are friends... my thing is that not one of them is an EX and still has feelings for me. This is a hard thing to swallow.

 

I don't even know what kinds of things he could do to ease me towards comfort without losing his friend and resenting me for it. Basically what can he change that would be acceptable within the relationship? For example, when would you not freak out about this?

 

He sees her as being concerned for his emotional health. I see her as meddling to find out when she can console him when we argue and undermine me. How can I get him to understand this? I have tried to tell him, but it's like I am speaking pig latin or something.

[Guest]

Your boyfriend is being (can I say it?) a jerk-off. I like to think that my Girlfriend and I have a good relationship and communicate well, but she has so many friends of the oppisite sex that I sometime find myself jealous for no reason at all. What your bf is doing is seriously screwing up all the stuff you worked so hard to get going between the two of you. Being a guy, I usually just go beat on something until I cool down, and then talk to her and tell her how I feel. I really don't know what girls do in times of frustration, but I personally suggest running 5-10 miles as fast as you can. Really helps. Seriously, talk to him, and tell him how you're feeling. We usually are fairly nice when stuff is presented in a controlled way.

Just a friend

[john2776]

my thing is that not one of them is an EX and still has feelings for me. This is a hard thing to swallow.

She is his ex? Ex's always give me the ****s even if they don't interfere, but this girl is CAUSING trouble. This is a very interesting topic and its interesting to see the different opinions on it. You need to talk to him, suggest how you think things should change (ie she keeps out of your relationship) and he has to decide how to do this, or if he wants to do this. I don't think you can change the way you feel about it. Given that you havn't gotten too far into the relationship, consider it a real option to walk away if he can't get his friend to respect your relationship a bit more. You shouldn't have to feel 2nd to anyone, or feel responsible for HER emotions ever.

[britchick]

Your boyfriend and this girl aren't friends, they have a relationship. You can't be just friends with someone of the opposite sex who wants an "intimate relationship" with you, not when you're in a relationship with someone else. I suspect he's not quite as clueless about this as he's making out.

OK, you can't demand that all his "friends" meet your approval, but he shouldn't expect you to put up with this situation. If she was a real friend, she would respect his relationship with you and keep out of it.