my daughter started using again, i am lost.

[monicaileana]

hi there,

i have a daughter who is 25 and has two kids, one 5 and one 2 and is pregnant right now and is 5 months along.

 

we recently found out that she was addicted to meth and pot. she willingly went into rehab for 60 days. she got out and was doing just great. i dont know what happened though. she didnt follow up with any aftercare, only went to a few meetings then quit.

 

she works 2nd shift at a 7-11 and is suppose to pay me $200.00 a pay period. she gave me only $62.00 dollars today and did so grudgingly as well.

 

her boyfriend is the one who has told me she was smoking pot again. she had agreed to do ua's at home. i bought the kit and she refused it today telling me "there is no need for it". her behaviour is that of when using meth.

 

if she was only smoking pot again idont think she would be acting quite this way.

 

my problem is i dont know what to do obviouisly. never in my life did i think i'd have a daughter on drugs!

 

i dont know if i should be tough and insist she go back to rehab, or be loving and understanding of the addiction that has her and not her having it, or just be a total bitch about the whole thing and tell her she is doing the ua or getting out!

 

i dont know what i can follow through with. i am not a strong parent on these things. i am unsure of myself and her angry makes me frustrated and i end of walking away from her.

 

i dont know what to do either with her or for her or to her. she lives with me as do the kids. i threatened before to take them away but knowing i dont want to raise two kids right now, even though i basically do, i dont want to without a way out, is that wrong?

 

i am 49 years old. i dont have the patience for little kids for 24 hours but i will do it if necessary again. as i did it when she was in treatment before, is that selfish of me?

 

i want her to be better again. i want her to stay off these drugs, even the pot! she may think it is ok to use just the pot, but is it? even if she was not pregnant? i know of so many people that smoke pot and think nothing of it, it is even legal in small doses in my state now!

 

does anyone have any help they can offer as to what i should be doing with my daughter to help her? should i kick her in the ass and back to treatment or be loving and supportive? i dont know, i am so totally lost here. i thought this was all behind us and here it is all over again.

 

she is also lying to her boyfriend about this too. she told him that she told me she was using pot again, she never told me that, so once again the all familiar feelings arise in me and i cant deal with them again.

 

i went on a rampage through all her stuff again too. looking for evidence and found nothing. my two dogs sat and watched me. i thought here i am digging through all this crap of hers instead of walking my dogs or living my life, this is not fair but what she is going through is also not fair is it?

 

when one is addicted to drugs, do they really have a choice or does the drug have them so strongly they cant think right or for themselves?

 

any help would be so much appreciated! i am so desperate here!

[tinktronik]

Firstly , I'm sorry .This is a large burden to carry . Your daughter obviously has some problems . The situation would be bad enough without 2 kids and another on the way being involved. If she is tested as a user at the time of the childs birth , she does know the state can take her child from her , dose'nt she? Lets hope she is not using. But as for you , you are not being unreasonable in putting whatever restrictions you want on your daughter while she is 25 but lives in your home . There is no easy anwser here . As to your question about wether she is making a choice to use or is so addicted she's not thinking for herself , you'll get conflicting anwsers on that from many sources. Good luck, and in the meantime do what you can for your grandkids .

[Blackfrost]

I don't write about this subject of even discuss it almost ever with anyone, but your story really hurts a point inside of me, and I am compelled to try to give you some advice. This is from my 3 year experience into the darkest my points of life and addiction. I really hope this helps (even just a little) for you to understand a little more about what your daughter is going through - and what may ultimately help her escape the grasp of hard drug use.

 

I am so sorry to hear about this. I know my mother went through the same thing with me (though I didn't live at home or have kids) it was obvious that I had some serious usage problems too in my early 20's. Of the one things I can tell you for sure - if you stop loving her - she will use even harder because she will feel like no cares anymore about me and will descend deeper into usage. You have to love her, but you don't have to love or accept her habit. When I would actually visit my mother, she would remind me of how much she loved her little boy and talk about some of her favorite moments / memories of the joy I brought her - which would inevitably lead her to crying, and break my heart. She never directly came out and said anything about my usage - she didn't need too - we both knew that we both knew. That kind of reinforcement left huge impressions that eventually lended some strength to me when I did eventually clean my pathetic self up.

 

Now the bad part. She will not be clean until she ultimately decides she is going to be clean. Everyone who falls into synthetics and / or opiate based usage has to reach a point where they finally say: If I don't stop now, I really will die. When you're young you have a certain amount of stupid "i'm invulnerable" attitude, and only through bad experiences - do you learn that you are not actually that. I lost one my best friends to usage, had an overdose myself, and reached absolute zero, before I could get myself to quit.

 

when one is addicted to drugs, do they really have a choice or does the drug have them so strongly they cant think right or for themselves?

 

This statement is somewhat true. With meth, when the user is in the speeding part of the high (which is usually the 10 -12 hours after ingesting once) the drug gives them a feeling of complete control and wellness. Technically the drug owns them entirely during this time period. As the drug wears down, is when "real" rational thought starts to creep back in. The "crashing phase" of meth is brutal and lasts for hours, unless the user does more and starts back into the "high" cycle. The biggest impact you can have on your daughter is during these crashing points - this is when the user hates him/herself the most, and are in the most horrible withdrawels. I had a wonderful girlfriend (who never ever used) but loved me so much, that she would come to me during those times, and take care of me, tell me how much loved me, feed me, clean my house and do absolutely everything she could to help me stop. I credit her entirely for being the person who put up with all my cr@p - she never lost faith in me. Eventually that love, she was always there to give me, helped me to stop. Drug addicts don't love themselves, except when they are high. I firmly believe that showing someone the love they need to quit helps so many people off of drugs. This girl will always and forever be a martyr in my eyes for what she did for me - she saved my life, and showed me that I could still be loved even though I longed to leave this life, and hated myself. This is why I say, you must show your daughter that you love her - even though you may be hating her more than ever for doing this. It's a terrible thing to go through, and I feel so badly for anyone who has to deal with junkies - they are broken and malfunctioning people. There is a pain and an empty void inside them, that they are using the drugs to medicate.

 

i went on a rampage through all her stuff again too. looking for evidence and found nothing. my two dogs sat and watched me. i thought here i am digging through all this crap of hers instead of walking my dogs or living my life, this is not fair but what she is going through is also not fair is it?

 

You have every right to vent, be furious, and feel cheated of your own life, to have to deal with this. Your daughter is cheating you of your life as well - and I'm pretty sure she knows this, and it hurts her too - though she will most like not admit this to you. Dealing with addicts, especially your own child, must be the most horrible prolonged thing a parent can ever experience. But, you must try to save her - now I'm getting a bit broken up as I write this. I know what it's like to be a parent now as well, and I fear for my daughters choices in her life - and the evils that just wait to befall her in the dark corners of this world. I also know now, that I will be a parent forever - it doesn't end. No matter how old she is (10, 20, 30 etc) I will always be her father, and I will always try to advise and guide her until I am no more. I firmly believe that being a parent is forever - there is no cutoff age or point.

 

God, or wherever you draw you strength from, help you through this time. Give your grandchildren love, and do what you can to provide emotional support to let them know that they are loved. They are innocent victems, as are you, to the sickness of addiction.

 

One additional note, I believe they are support groups for people who are dealing with an addicted loved one. You may want to attend one fo these. I would imagine that is would help you feel less alone in this period of time

 

My prayers to you.

 

Blackfrost

[EnigmaXOXO]

One additional note, I believe they are support groups for people who are dealing with an addicted loved one. You may want to attend one fo these. I would imagine that is would help you feel less alone in this period of time

 

Blackfrost has given you the best and only advice there is for family dealing with the addictions of loved ones.

 

I come from the opposite end of the spectrum … from your position. There is a fine line between loving them and enabling them, and it's a hard one to walk without education and professional support. It's all the more difficult to separate yourself from your loved one's addiction when you are living with them. Then the added concern you must feel for the welfare of your grandchildren.

 

I've been where you are and remain where you are; hoping that each time my daughter recovers she'll be able to keep her head above surface this time. The emotional rollercoaster of feeling joyful and hopeful each time they recover, only to be devastated each time they relapse takes a toll that no one can even begin to articulate unless they've been through it. Particularly when it's your child.

 

Please follow Blackfrost's advice and seek counseling and/or support for yourself. I know (for myself) I could have never managed my way through it and come out on the other side without it.

 

My prayers are with you, too … as well as all of those families who are struggling with addictions.

[RecordProducer]

I stopped drinking a weak ago after a strong realization that I will ruin my life, my children's life, and my marriage if I continue to drink. I felt like I hit the bottom and it didn't take self-discipline. I just felt that I wanted to be happy and make my kids and husband happy.

 

What bothers me most in your story is that your daughter is pregnant. You can't possibly be supportive of your child killing her child. Blackfrost had a great idea about showing love, but you also need to show some determination. I, for example, drank more when people around me were supportive of my habit. My dad was more supportive than my mom so I rarely allowed her see me drunk.

 

IMO, you should show your strong attitude about this. Be there for her and show that you worry and will not allow that kind of behavior. Remind her that she has 3 kids to take care of, that she is ruining their lives, and not to mention that her unborn baby might suffer from various defects because she puts meth in his or her blood. She is not only poisoning herself, but also her own baby!

 

If I were you, I would tell her that for 4 more months she has to stay away from any drugs, pot too. After that, she can do whatever she wants.

 

When the baby is born, put it on formula (although it's not good to not breastfeed, but if the milk is full of meth then it's more harmful than useful).

 

If you would report her to the local center of social work, they might take her baby when it's born and even take the other two kids and give custody to you. You can use this as a blackmail tool. However, don't do that before you are absolutely sure that it's your last resort, because it will stay in her record forever.

 

So if you would kick her out, where would she go? In any case, don't tolerate her usage of drugs under any circumstances. She is pregnant, for god's sake!