I messed up. Is it too late?

[Lor]

p.s. If she does still love you, she will be receptive of this. If she doesn't respond within the 2 month time period, then you will know. Right now she needs your reasurance that she is the only woman you want.

 

Other than sending her stuff, even if its a blank card saying I'm sorry--I wouldn't go overly mushy--go NC.

[MagikBOZO]

Ive apologized to her in person through sadness but I will try it with the cards & stuff. I think 3 months is a long enough time to find out if she will come back or not. Emotionally I am dead but my mind is focused on work right now. Its the only thing that keeps me sane. Also the less Im home the better off I am since I am so used to coming home to her & instead finding an empty house. This is gut wrenching like you wouldnt believe. Every day I cry a little less but the pain is overwhelming - keeping busy & reading your posts help alot thanks.

[Lor]

Words are cheap. Actions show so much more. You screwed up, okay, but otherwise it sounds like you didn't realize that a woman never wants to compete with another woman on any level. At this point, if she sees or hears about you going out with the guys, she'll think that you didn't love her as much as she thought. That maybe there was something to the other girls.

 

If you sincerely want her back and are willing to put your heart into it, you will figure out things to send. But, keep it simple. No 5 page letters saying you're sorry, no stripper-grams.

 

You hurt her feelings and that is something that a woman doesn't forgive very easily.

[dgiirl]

MagikBozo, hang in there! Trust me, it will get better. I never could have imagined the pain I went through, and that it would go away. I finally knew what they meant by a heart ache, because I could litterally feel my heart break. But the one thing that kept me strong throughout it all is, noone ever died from a heart ache. Although it's extremely painful, and almost unbearable, things could be so so much worse. And on top of that, things will get better. It will take some time, but as you've already noticed that the pain is becoming less and less. It's an emotional rollercoaster and each day you are probably experiencing very high high's and very low low's. But as time progresses, you'll see those peaks start to level off, and even when you hit a low peak, the recovery time is a lot faster than it use to be. Let the tears out. Let the anger out. In healthy ways. You cant keep it bottled up, and you cant let it out in destructive ways, so let it out in healthy ways.

[Gunny376]

I can go with your most recent post ~ that's "do-able" and workable for me. Just don't go wuss on me and become a doormat. And, like you said set a reasonable timeline, and keep your perspective and balance. Don't sit around over-analysising to the point of paralysis. Get busy and stay busy, stay off the sauce, and out of the clubs. The gym, park, track is where you need to be. You be surprised how much physical exertion will help.

 

I got into the worse fight of my marriage with my XW ~ said "Forget all of this, I'm going for my run!" I usually do a three mile run at least ~ somedays more if I've got something on my mind that I was to exorcise out of my system. This day is was seriously PTFO! End up running ten miles! But, when I got back ~ it was all gone and out of my system, and I was back to being cool, calm, collected and my normal self. So I know streneous physical is un-questionably the best and most positive way of getting a lot of that out of your system.

 

Now is also the time for you to fully acquiring the necessary skill set to be in a LTR, whether it be this one or another one. And, as your finding out there's a lot to learn, and to become conscuioiuly aware of. The book, "DivorceBusters" by Michele Weiner-Davis is an excellent place to start, as is fully explporing the MarriageBuilder's Site, and DivorceNet.

 

And since we're appasrently going this route I would Goggle "Light Her Fire" by Dr. Ellen Kreiggman. You can pick up her paperback book ($6) of the same title.

[Lor]

I know this might seem pathetic to some of you, but I cant help it. Its different when you actually go through it yourself. I am normally not a moody, overly emotional person & it really takes something huge to do this to me. This is like an atomic bomb on me.

 

Hey, we've all been there. We've all done the crying jags deep into the night, at work, in the car. You get really funny looks when you start crying in the grocery store, believe me. And no one on here thinks you're pathetic. We think you're human and it does hurt like hell, even to a jarhead. Go ahead and don't hold back. Some days will be worse than others, some days you will even start to laugh. We've all been hit by the truck in here, but we're all still here and you'll make it, too. Have faith in your love for her and don't give up yet.

 

Diesel can probably give you pointers on the romantic stuff. He's very good at it....Hey, Me! Write a book for men! I'll buy 2 copies!

[MagikBOZO]

Well today is me & my wife's 13 month wedding anniversary (we celebrate the 9th of every month). I haven't seen her in 3 days. Might not seem like much but to me anyway its an eternity. Will take her some flowers & a sincere card to show her I still & will always care. I will resist any type of moping, I will just be straight & sincere with her. Everyday I wake up depressed in this place & I dont even want to be here. The more Im at work, working out, etc the better. I guess its easier when youre in a place where you know people. Im just starting to get my feet wet where Im at. dgirl I let my frustration out, but it is something that always lingers within me. lor I wont give up but Im afraid that she has. Gunny I also work out but if I were to go into rambo mode & do nothing but work out she will think I am selfish I think - as a matter of fact that was one of her major gripes - that I would spend more time doing my own thing be it the gym, fencing, or video games than to spend time with her. I still do my morning jogs, but just dont have the energy for the weights right now - Ive lost 15 lbs the last 2 weeks. thanks for the words people keep it coming makes alot of difference to read from people who have been there.

[MagikBOZO]

One more thing she still hasnt picked up all her stuff yet. I seperated it & left it near the door. Its about a room full of stuffed scattered throughout the floor. Do you guys think this is a sign of anything? Like maybe shes hesitant to pull out? She supposedly was going to pick this up a couple of days ago. Is this a sign? Or am I just giving in to false hope?

[Gunny376]

Quit looking for signs, any and all of them! Its self defeating!

 

Look instead for this book:

 

"Letting Go ~ A 12 Week Personal Acton Program To Overcome a Broken Heart" by Dr. Zec Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, Ph.D ISBN0-440-14730-1 by Dell books, paperback edition.

[MagikBOZO]

I agree gunny it just seemed weird to me that she would leave her stuff here all this time. Its not the thread of hope I am clinging to, but then again it just seems suspicious. I think I share the same gung-ho, screw the world attitude deep inside, but I dont want to give that impression to my wife because I want her to think I dont care because I do. Thanks for the messages people they help alot

[Gunny376]

the "Love-Bug" or "Love Sickness

 

Can't concentrate

 

Watch the telephone and jump expectantly when it rings

 

Listen to sad songs and thing they're about and the ex

 

Imagine you see ex everywhere. His/her car is everywhere

 

Feel as nothing's any use

 

You think you've failed in life

 

Finances are going downhill. Credit rating has probally dropped

 

Can't cope with simple problems like flat tires and traffic jams

 

You feel helpless

 

Cry over leftover memorabillia, pictures of the two of you together, gifts she's given you.

 

You regject other offers of love

 

You feel your life has become a nightmare

 

You feel fat, skinny, un-attractive, even ugly

 

None of your clothes are right, yourj house is loused up. you feeel you never look right

 

You've throught about killing yourself

 

You've planned how to kill yourself

 

You've attempted to kill yourself

 

You feel disconected and as thopugh you don't belong anywhere

 

You want to give things away becuase they have lost meaning to you

 

You feel like a fool

 

Nothing couild be worse than what's already happened, so you take foolhardyl chances

 

You've lost interst in sports, dancing or excercise

 

Phobic Sympthoms

 

You feel everything is closing in on you and you can't stand to be in close quarters

 

You panic at the thought of meeting new people

 

You have to be with someone all of the time

 

You want to leave all the lights on and all of the doors open

 

You're afraid you may be losing your mind

 

You're afraid that now you'll be alone forever

 

You're letting yourself go ~ losing your looks

 

You're afraid you want be able to support yourself

 

You're afraid you'll ge sick and there won't be anyone to take care of you.

 

You're afraid of getting old alone

 

You avoid places you went with your ex together

 

You want to run away

 

You want to sell everything and move to another city

 

You're afraid that you've ruined your life

 

You're afraid your don't have enough to offer someone for a LTR

 

You're afraid no one will ever love you again that special way.

 

You're afraid you might kill yourself

 

You're afraid you might not attract anyone as good-looking, smart, or loving again.

 

You're afraid of your friends and relatives and what they might say

 

You're afraid yo won't be able to afford the life-style you once had together.

 

This is from the book I mentioned above

[ilmw]

That is realy good...

 

I jusy may get that book in the near future... we shall see

 

ilmw

[ddw5195]

hi, I cant give you much informaton because I have such a troubled marriage myself but I can tell you from a womans point of view. you see we need the devotion from our husband and to know there is no one else who you love more. whom you see no one that is more beautiful or just plain rather be with.we dont just need to be told this but shown it as well. God mad man for work and devotion for his family and he made Woman for the emotional side and to be a help mate(not a slave).I know that not all times will your marrage be roses but you can make it what you want. what if you said to your wife that you would call each and every person that has phoned you and texed message you during the time of your marrage while she is with you and tell each and every one that you are married and that you are just calling to say that you are married and can not except the calls from them anymore. you dont have to be a jerk to the girls cause we all have a past and have had a life before the person you marry. and you need to tell your wife that it is not the girls fault that are texting you because you are the married person not them. you cant blame them. I belive that your wife may be a little insure of herself, not bashing at all cause I belive that if you are married you dont cross the lines. be man enough to end it first than to skirt behind her back. maybe in her past she has been hurt before like cheated on by one she loved before you and it started the same way you are doing and she just dont want to travel that road anymore. the old saying goes when you see the fire and you touch it and it burns you the first time you think twice before touching it the second time. you see marrage is a life long thing and should not be taken lightly. you should be able to live you life fantiseys and dreams with the person you marry. you should be able to talk about everything bad and good and know that you are the trusted one. make her feel that she is worth fighting for. call the girls while she is present and share with them you have married the woman you love and want to spend the rest of your life with and get your phone number changed. us as outsiders dont know the hole truth or even if you have cheated or it was just flirting same difference if you have a cell phone both of you have the same pin number to check each others messages at any given time things like that. some say that is stupided because you need some time to yourslef well in a marrage it is not 50/50 my preacher said it is 100/100 and it makes sense to me when said that. you need to share everything not 90% of everything and hide 10%. if it is all open there is no chance of getting in trouble. make sure you love her because you have said I do and that means for life and better and for worse. that is the problem with many marrages they give up at the first bit of problems and marrage is hard work!! very hard. I have been married for 15 years and we dated for 3 so 18 is a long time. try every thing andput god first and pray about it and he will give you the answers you so need if you are really willing to save your marrage.

[Gunny376]

half of the list. It goes on and on and on. This was the list up to the Phobic Sympthoms

 

The other part of the list includes

 

Psychosomtic Symptoms

 

Attacks of heartburn or diarrhea

 

Nauseous at the sight of food

 

The feeling that everything give you physical aliments

 

Sexual appetite is gone

 

You become imptent or "fridgid"

 

Chest Pains

 

Rapid Heartbeat

 

Blood pressure is up

 

Ulcers are acting up or you feel like you're getting ulcers (Lor)

 

You get dandruff

 

You get a un-explained rashes, pimple or psoriasis acts up

 

Hair begin falling out

 

You get cold sores, hives or acne

 

You have an onslught of physcial illness like flu or colds

 

You have headaches

 

You have back aches, kinks in your neck, or it hurts when you walk

 

You on occassion have lost control of your bodily functions

 

You've begun bitting your nails. Your hands and cuticles are dry and ragged

 

Your allergies are acting up

 

You have bronchial attakcs

 

You wake up in the middle of the night

 

You get indegestion whenever you eat

 

Hysterical Symptoms

 

You get irrtable at the slightest provocation

 

Little things that go wrong throw you into a panic

 

You forget important things you're suppose to do

 

You lose things, keys, wallet, driver's liscense

 

You run around all the time, accomplishing nothing, just trying to have something to do

 

You lose your temper frequently

 

You give money, gifts, reformed behavior, anything to get your lover back

 

Noises drive you crazy. Loud music, construction, even freeway traffic and airplanes get on your nerves

 

You can't stand to have the TV off or the radio silent. You must have noise

 

You can't get warm

 

You want to scream out

 

You feel like smashing things and breaking things

 

Your emotions flare un-controllably

 

You drive aimlessly, miss turnoffs, and sometimes get lost

 

You miss and cancel appointements

 

You imagine killing your former lover

 

You have careless accidents

 

You hurt yourself physically all the time, cooking, walking, working around the house, or just walking into things

 

You go into giggles or un-controllable laughter

 

Anxiety Sympthoms

 

You find it increasingly harder to fall asleep

 

You can't eat

 

You have accidents, dent the car, drop and break things, spot and tear your clothes

 

You've been getting traffic tickets

 

You can't breath deeply enough

 

You have tension headaches

 

You grit your teeth

 

You grind your job

 

You feel "butterflies in your your stomach

 

You prespire excessively

 

Your hands and feet are always cold and clammy

 

Your face is always tense

 

Your brow is getting deep wrinkles

 

Your nervous and touchy

 

You blow everything out of proportion

 

You think you've lost important things and go into a panic

 

Rate each one on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest. If you rate yourself five or higher on most of the abovve listed sympthoms you are suffering the acute stages of love sickness.

 

If you score seven on higer on most of the above listed sympthoms, you may need to seek the help of a liscensed health professional

 

From "Letting Go" by Dr. Zev Wadderer and Tracy Cabot, PhD. Dell Books

[DieselPWR]

Wow Gunny! Felt like you were talking about me to a tee at the beginning:o ; I was on the verge of being referred to an inpatient mental health program, but through alot of hard work, determination and prayer, I have been able to rate alot of those 5 or less. I guess it's true, time heals all wounds, and mine are starting to close. Thanks also for the mention of Carlos Xuma. I am getting the newsletter and soon as I have a little disposible income, I will invest in the cd's.

Thanks

Me:D

[Lor]

Will take her some flowers & a sincere card to show her I still & will always care.

 

No, don't take them personally. Have them delivered. 13 of them. Say something like "to {her name here}, the most beautiful woman, inside and out. A rose for each month." or something along those lines. and a very simple card, saying you love her. don't go overboard.

 

She doesn't want contact with you so stay away but woo her from afar. Diesel has left a rose on his W windshield before and I think that is soooo romantic.

[MagikBOZO]

No, don't take them personally. Have them delivered. 13 of them. Say something like "to {her name here}, the most beautiful woman, inside and out. A rose for each month." or something along those lines. and a very simple card, saying you love her. don't go overboard.

 

She doesn't want contact with you so stay away but woo her from afar. Diesel has left a rose on his W windshield before and I think that is soooo romantic.

 

I think you are right. Problem is I am too late. I took them to her personally at her work. She kind of had a cold reception to them - like "you shouldnt have, were in the middle of a seperation, etc" almost like a wtf are you doing kind of reception. I told her I loved her, just an "OK" for a response. I drove off feeling like a fool. Which is probably a good thing cuz Im kind of pissed. Now I want to not see her for awhile. It hurt but if thats the way she is going to go about it then so be it. I love her and probably will but this angered me in a way. Better that than what I was feeling before I guess

[Gunny376]

I was reading the book I mentioned earlier. And it brought up a good point.

 

All of her stuff you've got, you should get it out of sight, out of mind, along with any mementoes, pictures, anything that "triggers" thoughts of her. Don't throw it away, just get it and any other triggers out of sight.

 

I think you need to check out what Lady Jane posted to Wolf, that I just posted to. I think that's the way for you to go ~ because what you're doing is working.

 

Do what works ~ not what doesn't work.

[Lor]

She kind of had a cold reception to them - like "you shouldnt have, were in the middle of a seperation, etc" almost like a wtf are you doing kind of reception.

 

She's mad at you, you've hurt her feelings and she's lost a lot of self-esteem. The last person she wants to see right now is you. Has she talked to you before about the other girls? If so, then she doesn't trust you to listen to her. She wants you to beg and plead for her forgiveness--you did her wrong. She's a woman scorned and ouch does that hurt. Remember though that women don't like whiners.

 

I know you're p*ssed because you're trying and she's not. You have to remember though--you are the one who unwittingly started this. She's got a right to be mad--for a while.

 

Don't do anything else for her this week. Don't go tough love just yet--giving her an ultimatum, come home or we're done is gonna push her out the door even farther. What you need to do right now is give her time to get over her anger and to start missing you. And she can't do that if you're standing around every corner. No phone calls, no emails, no gifts.

 

But, that being said, you need to convince her that she is the only woman for you, that no one else matters, that all your thoughts are on her. Go slow, like I'd said before, only once a week, never at the same time, never in the same place. And don't go extravagant. You've gone to her work, next would be her home or (still my favorite) rose on the windshield. Diesel, help me out here honey....check out some websites on the little things, the romantic things. How about a note saying "I'm an azz and I'm sorry." You are gonna have to humble yourself to her.

 

.......and maybe you'll learn some lessons along the way about women.

[onmyownagain]

I think you are right. Problem is I am too late. I took them to her personally at her work. She kind of had a cold reception to them - like "you shouldnt have, were in the middle of a seperation, etc" almost like a wtf are you doing kind of reception. I told her I loved her, just an "OK" for a response. I drove off feeling like a fool. Which is probably a good thing cuz Im kind of pissed. Now I want to not see her for awhile. It hurt but if thats the way she is going to go about it then so be it. I love her and probably will but this angered me in a way. Better that than what I was feeling before I guess

 

You just need to stay away from her. Last September my wife of 9 years (then) told me she didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be with me any more, move out!

 

I moved in with my brother for a couple weeks all the while trying to get her to let me back. She told me she was sure she didn't want be back and was quite horrible to me.

 

So I backed off completely, got a flat and moved in. Our daughter came to me at weekends but I used to pick her up from her family and I used to drop her back to school on Monday mornings.

 

After a while she started texting me and within 3 months I had moved back home. We are now much happier now, but when we were apart I didn't send her cards on her birthday etc. because we were seperated.

 

The sooner this sinks in with you, the sooner she will start missing you.

 

Go into No Contact now!!!

[Gunny376]

You just need to stay away from her. Last September my wife of 9 years (then) told me she didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be with me any more, move out!

 

I moved in with my brother for a couple weeks all the while trying to get her to let me back. She told me she was sure she didn't want be back and was quite horrible to me.

 

So I backed off completely, got a flat and moved in. Our daughter came to me at weekends but I used to pick her up from her family and I used to drop her back to school on Monday mornings.

 

After a while she started texting me and within 3 months I had moved back home. We are now much happier now, but when we were apart I didn't send her cards on her birthday etc. because we were seperated.

 

The sooner this sinks in with you, the sooner she will start missing you.

 

Go into No Contact now!!!

 

Where on Earth have I've heard that before? Its sounds so familiar? Could it be, might it have been,........................Love Shack!

[Lor]

I agree with onmyownagain in everything.......

 

.....except that she does need reasurance from him. She already thinks he wants more women than just her so if he ignores her completely she'll believe she's right. That he wasn't commited to just her.

 

Maybe I'm the exception but if my H had wanted to work on us, was willing to give up his EA for me, proved to me that she was gone, and made me feel like I was his life (ie: little romantic things, surprises), he would have ended up with one very happy and satisfied partner. Unless she's made of stone and hates his guts, she should respond.

[dgiirl]

I agree with Lor. You dont want to be too pushy or too strong, but her pride is hurt and she already thinks you are a player. If you just ignore her altogether, i highly doubt she'll come back and appologize. Appologize for what? From her POV, you cheated. You need to appologize to her, which you've done. You've tried to show her your affection. Now you have to play a delicate dance where you show her you still care, but dont become too stalkerish or too pushy or too clingy which will just push her away further. Now's NOT the time to give ultimatums, or to say "screw it, i tried, she's not willing to work on it" and throw in the towel. You need to give her some time to think about the situation, give her time to reflect your last surprise on her, and give her some time to miss you. The more time you give her alone with her own thoughts, the more she'll forget the bad things, and start thinking about the good things. Especially the new surprises you are doing for her. Surprise her from time to time, so that she has happier moments to think about, but be spontaneous. Different days, different times, different places, different acts. The smaller the surprises, usually the more thoughtful. One single rose, or a little note instead of grand gestures of big bouquets.

[MagikBOZO]

Hello everyone. Well I started my new job, visited my cousin for the weekend. I think about her every minute, but I don't collapse or cry like I did the first couple of days. Focus on work has been great therapy. Anyway I came back late night Sat & found a note she left behind. She was back to pick up the rest of her stuff, coudn't finish, says she will be back tomorrow for the rest. She keeps reminding me I can call her anytime I want to, & she hopes Im doing ok - "te quiero" at the bottom which is Spanish for I love you in a very plutonic way - like if you were to say it to your sibling or dog. Now Ive already resigned myself to her not coming back but Ive also heard the theory that she is biding her time with taking so long to pick up her stuff from the apt. It would make sense that if your mind is already made up then the stuff would be gone within 2 days at most but it is now going on 2 weeks. She has told me she would not come back several times already & I have since stopped phoning her or contacting her at all. Tomorrow I will have to step out again & most likely will not see her again. Should I leave her a note? I feel alot stronger than I did my 1st post - yes I still love her & would love it if she came back & forgave me but I am no longer clinging to that hope. Thoughts? Again thanks for all the helpful words I hope you keep it coming

[ilmw]

Hello everyone. Well I started my new job, visited my cousin for the weekend. I think about her every minute, but I don't collapse or cry like I did the first couple of days. Focus on work has been great therapy. Anyway I came back late night Sat & found a note she left behind. She was back to pick up the rest of her stuff, coudn't finish, says she will be back tomorrow for the rest. She keeps reminding me I can call her anytime I want to, & she hopes Im doing ok - "te quiero" at the bottom which is Spanish for I love you in a very plutonic way - like if you were to say it to your sibling or dog. Now Ive already resigned myself to her not coming back but Ive also heard the theory that she is biding her time with taking so long to pick up her stuff from the apt. It would make sense that if your mind is already made up then the stuff would be gone within 2 days at most but it is now going on 2 weeks. She has told me she would not come back several times already & I have since stopped phoning her or contacting her at all. Tomorrow I will have to step out again & most likely will not see her again. Should I leave her a note? I feel alot stronger than I did my 1st post - yes I still love her & would love it if she came back & forgave me but I am no longer clinging to that hope. Thoughts? Again thanks for all the helpful words I hope you keep it coming

 

Clinging to the hope... I think we all go through it. From what I am learnig through all this.. it is poison. From reading other's posts and much of the advise given on LS.. We must let go.. if we are to ever get them back. If we do not suceed in reconcilation... then we have a head start with mending are hearts.

 

Makes sence.. but as you know.. logic and the heart don't necessarly go hand in hand.

 

I sometimes find myself.. well.. becoming cold to the entire situation.. almost business like.. I remain friendly.. approachable. But I am looking at my situation as something I have no control over right now. So.. I have been able to accept it. Any sign of weakness... "blubbering" I will not allow. I can only show her my strength.

 

Also coming on LS always gives you insight into what does and does not work. It has helped me come to this stage of this "game."

 

I to still love my DW.. but the need is long gone. Only the want remains. It is a remarkable change of focus.

 

Anyway... You sound like you are getting it together. Keep it up.. and it does get easier as time goes by... trust me... and trust the others who take the time to give there advise... they have/ are going through it too.

 

Take care...

 

ilmw..

 

Gunny... When I was in the Army over in the UK... we had the same rule regarding the permission to get married. Had to get Colonel to sign off on it. Understadable... after a 6 month tour of Northen Ireland.. the "pads" (married quarters) would get emtied... When the Cats were away.. the mouse would play. It was like the bus taking the boys to the airport had just turned the corner and a bunch of the "singlezz" would be heading over to the pads... It always pissed me off. Just not right. Found out a buddy of mine was doing this... I blasted him. " how the he#l would you like it if you were over there missining your wife.. getting shot at.. and some s#it is back home ba#nging your missus" He took note and found a nice single girl.

 

Strange how the military life is so similar across the pond.

 

Ahhhhhhhh... feel better now... after my rant.

 

Later....

ilmw