Coping with a crush

[learner01]

I have been married now for 16 years and have, through the years, had to cope with crushes on other woman on a number of occassions. What I would like to know is why do I have to keep on going through this? Is there something inherently wrong with the way my brain works? Am I missing some psychological trick that I don't have to keep having these experiences? The current crush is the longest it has ever gone on. Mostly in the past the crush has gone away because some characteristic has put me off, and normally it does not occur again. This one does vary in intensity from feeling completly lovelorn to just forget about it, it is just not going to happen. The thing is I do not think I am doing myself any favours by keeping it to myself, so is this something I should discuss with my wife? Should I tell the person I have the crush on about it, who is married herself? I just feel that keeping it to myself is not doing me any favours and as a secret it is having a negative effect on me. When it first started I think I allowed it to strengthen as personally it was quite exciting to be feeling that teenage type rush of fancying someone, but now it is just frustrating and I feel a bit like a stalker. Another question is: Is this covering up and hiding other issues that may be related but that are not obvious to my point of view? How can I tell if either my wife or crushee suspect my crush? How do I end this fantasizing and get a grip on reality? It is not going to just go away by ignoring it especially as it is an enjoyable bittersweet experience. Perhaps this crush has gone as far as it has as I may be relying on the crushee to not allow herself to be drawn into an affair and so it is a 'safe' crush as I know it will not lead anywhere. Trouble is why do I have to rely on someone else for that? Do I not possess the strength of character to just not allow myself this fantasy? Anybody out there with some words of wisdom that will crush this crush? Thanks for taking a look, hopefully I will be able to apreciate any responses I get. Cheers learner01.

[P1xie]

I don't think any woman would be happy to hear "Hon, I have a crush on someone else".

 

I really don't think there is a cure because you can't cure how you feel. But you can either act or not act on it. Is acting on your crush worth your wife?

[learner01]

Thanks for the reply P1xie. For the moment this will just continue to bang around in my head and the associated states will just have to come and go as my guard is raised and lowered.

 

As for "..er indoors.." I doubt I will ever find anyone who has put so much into her family and supported me through all my c!?.>p! for such a long time now.

[StayClose]

This is an interesting topic for me.

 

I think everyone needs to be honest with themselves and admit that from time to time, people in relationships will meet others they find attractive, and this in itself is not bad. It's what people do with these feelings that may or may not be bad.

 

Even when infidelity doesn't happen or is even desired, "crushes" still creates endorphins in the brain that can brighten up an otherwise routine life. Unfortunately, it can make a spouse uncomfortable as well. It can also be a major distraction from one's job or other reposnibilties.

 

I think that these crushes get out of hand when they seem to offer something that is missing in one's primary relationship. So how's your marraige going? Are you comfortable confiding your personal thoughts to your spouse? Are you happy with your current sex life? I find that when I'm getting along well with my wife, intellectually, emotionally and sexually, I have little interest in other women. But when we're having problems, other women seem more interesting, especially when thay seem to have qualities lacking in my my wife.

 

Do you experience the same?

[kjc431]

Hey Dude.

 

Please reread what you wrote. I think you'll find you answered your own questions.

 

I've been in the same spot you are, in fact I currently am now...with 2 girls. One I work with, and one is a friend I've met on the internet in chat.

 

It's no secret, people change, and marriages change. What you see in these other women, probably is something you're lacking in your marriage.

 

For myself I keep balancing out the what if's. Right now for monetary reasons, my married life just isn't that unbearable. I can wait the 4 or 5 years until my kids are out of school. I'll still be relatively young, (49) and then I can decide what to do. Until then, I just enjoy the friendships I have with these two women. Sometimes I think marriage ruins the best friendships. I'm not sure I'd re-marry if I divorce. I think Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have got it right.

 

Just my thoughts.....