starzinmyeyes Posted August 6, 2006 Share Posted August 6, 2006 Hi, thanks for reading, i would really appreciate any opinions. Basically in point form- i have a friend, male (i'm female) he's gay. We hooked up once but then the gay thing came in to it. We are super super close. He usually calls every day but we had a big fight a week ago because I turned down a job because i decided to stick with my present job which is 3 times the pay (???!!!)(WTF?) Its relief teaching. Anyway we had a massive fight. He said that when i don't get a teaching day i have been whinging to him (he said i was draining) and that i should just take another job that is more reliable. But i'm sick of the slave wages that come with that. He lately has started to criticise what feels like just about absolutely every single thing i do. Whether its me turning down a job because the pay was too low, to how i scrape my plate, even things like "you own too much furniture - everything in your house is just for display" to "you spoke to that person too abruptly", or "you own too many knives and forks", i don't know it could be anything. My dad died three months agao and so i haven't known my ass from my elbow since then and making even small decisions is very hard for me at the moment, and yeah maybe i have been draining. My question is how do i know when someone isn't respectig me or just doesn't like me any more??? sorry if this is rambling but my head feels like cotton wool. he hasn't phoned for a week and i don't know what i'll do if i lose another person. Link to post Share on other sites
TJettman Posted August 6, 2006 Share Posted August 6, 2006 It doesn't sound to like you are losing anything, just gaining by not having the critic around. When you are going through pain like that, the last thing you need is some ****head bitching about stupid details. My dad passed away about 3 1/2 years ago and the last thing I wanted to hear was someone telling me something I was doing or saying was wrong. You only need positive people in your life. And that's at all times. About six months ago, I took stock of my life and cut loose of everybody who I finally realized was not an enhancement on my life. Anyone who spends more that just an acquaintance amount of time with you and doesn't keep your life moving forward with you should be thumped off your shoulder like a piece of lint. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 6, 2006 Share Posted August 6, 2006 It sounds as though he's got issues of his own which he's taking out by crabbing at you. Say as much to him. Ask him what's up. Maybe he needs support, too, for something but doesn't want to burden you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starzinmyeyes Posted August 7, 2006 Author Share Posted August 7, 2006 tjettman, thanks for putting it in perspective. I am going to see what happens from now on and take heed from what you say about cutting people loose. Outcast, thanks , as well. My other friends have noticed that he treats me with less respect than other friends he has. Its probably because i let him get away with it for too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 7, 2006 Share Posted August 7, 2006 Dear starz, Firstly i must inform you that GAYS as a whole are usually dominating characters. What he is showing are simple signs of control, he feels he has the POWER.. which if you are unhappy with his actions must take back. This unfortuantely wont be easy as you have interweaved your life with him in great detail, suggestions on resolution is again difficult as it results in confrontation, you must confront him and lay down YOUR ground rules...and not his. Tell him you respect him as a friend and if it means losing that friendship, then so be it as he is making you sad by his actions and comments. Also you need to address the loss of your father as if left can result in deep depression, suggestions on this would be to create a memorial in your home (be it a picture or an item that reminds you of him) then everyday just say hi and talk about things with him. Subconsiously your feelings will level and eventually will make you stronger as you will become less reliant on others. You need to spread your wings and discover the things that are important to you and not others. Dont be keen to impress others as this also leads to conformity out of cha\racter....believe me once you gain your confidence there will be no looking back but first you need to take the first step.. yours truly A GOODFRIEND Link to post Share on other sites
Gryphen Posted August 8, 2006 Share Posted August 8, 2006 It occurs to me if he gives you attention at all he still likes you. He may disrespect you though. I think he wants to let you know how insulted he is about how you don't regard your opinion. He can't see past what seems like an obvious thing, money earning. In this day and age it's tough to overlook. If you care about him maybe you could assert that he's right in his own way but you know what's best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starzinmyeyes Posted August 8, 2006 Author Share Posted August 8, 2006 i eneded up telling him that i don't need his criticism at this time and that i just need him to be there for me and (unfortunately) i ended up in a flood of tears, which i know will give him more power. I was just saying that i am afraid of losing people since dad died and that i am feeling sensitive and i just want things to be uncomplicated. That is, give me a break. he was fine with that and understood what i was saying. I spoke to him this morning and I know now that i have just smothered him because he was acting really arrogant and distant when i asked him about doing something on the weekend. So i thought oh yeah here we go. Yeah he was just like "SATurday, saturday, saturday... oh yeah, i'm going to a film (theres a film festival on here)... yeah so i might be free about midnight" (and laughs)... I thought you jerk..Its not that he is doing something else, its just that he was so smarmy about it. Yeah and i asked him about friday night and he said he was going to this club with this mutual male friend of ours (not gay) and didn't invite me. God i sound like i'm in highschool.... Bugger him he was just so arrogant. So anyway I'm no implementing NO CONTACT like everyone else on this website. What do you think?? How do i get my power back (or at least some dignity)????? Help!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
TJettman Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Do stuff without him. Don't invite him either. Apparently, you've told him about how his actions make you feel and yet he's still doing some of the same things. Treat him the same way and see if he likes it. The only real power in life is the ability to say no to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Close friends are allowed to critique us. He's earned it. He knows you. If he doesnt tell you who will? Dont take it so seriously. Laugh it off. If it continues and you start not wanting to pick up the phone or see him because you cant deal with it then I'd address the issue. Maybe you're just being a little sensitive right now....let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
kingbee930 Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 darling u really need to reevaluate what u equte with friendship. without trashing ur friend being objectional, if u can view the actions made and there is not a shred of love behind them, cut it loose, u can do bad by urself. if ur best interest is at heart then still i agree with guest and tjettman, lay some ground rules and become more assertive on ur behalf. u dont have to resort to his level and be a butt too, but u also do not have to subject urself to undue brutality and abuse. u could make enemies if u wanted that.kill em with kindness. show him how to be a friend and a person, but most importantly, train him how to treat u. 3000. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts