Got the 2nd chance to pushed to hard!

[rocketgirl]

Hi,

I have had a 1.5 yr relationship that ended. I was dumped... mostly because I have a hard time dealing with the uncertainties of life... I don't really go with the flow. Not that we argued a lot... they were discussions that went in circles with no resolution. It was emotionally exhausting. But there were other parts of the relationship that were truly great. Made me feel like I had found the love of my life... I had never felt that so fully.

 

Some of the complaints were that my partner wanted a deeper emotional connection. Said I wasn't present in the relationship (distracted). I also happen to be in recovery, 5 years sober... so I know I have issues but have come along way to have a healthier life but still struggle with intimate relations. I also have some very fixed ideas because of fear.

 

Two and a half months ago I asked my ex to have coffee with me... talk, open up for discussion. We met and I spent the night over... she wanted to give it another try... but she wasn't ready for "dating or serious committment" and we were going to go slow but still leave room for our own developement. My ex had been depressed and wanted to see a therapist. My ex and I tried to agree on boundaries... like if we didn't have anything planned for the weekends we wouldn't assume we would be spending time together. But we ended up spending a lot of time together very soon. It was good to have each other back and we got wrapped up in that.

 

The more her therapy progressed the more the therapist told her she had to make her OK. Part of that meant that I was not the main concern.

 

Well I got so excited having my ex back in my life that we spent a good deal of time together... probably too much. I don't know how to go slow. I also found out that during our break my ex went on a trip to London with a friend that I know is sexually interested in her and has been around in the background 2 yrs. She claims they are just close friends but I have never met this friend, but they email, text and call often. I asked to meet the "friend" So, I got really jealous about this and made a big stink. I mean things were going well and I added stress. Maybe they were just friends? Then I noticed her pulling away... I asked her to do things more often than she asked me. She didn't want to go on a trip I asked her about and I gave her a hard time about it. Etc. So I got nervous and started to try and spend more time with her.

 

I think there were three weeks that went by and we didn't spend a weekend together. I would see her during the week but it was only because I iniated it. Anyway, I pressured her about 'committment' if we saw each other all the time, emailed and texted that we essentially have a relationship. She said no, we were in 'wait and see mode'. Then I felt insecure and said stupid stuff like... maybe you are only back with me because you're lonely. I told her that I wanted a partner and if she wasn't sure maybe she should set me free. I was paranoid of losing her again so my behavior pushed her away.

 

Now she tells me they are putting her on anti depressants. A realtionship is not her first priority right now. She loves me but it's just not the way I want it but LOVE IS THERE... tried to tell me to live in the present and not get worked up over it.

 

Then she said that she has strong feelings for me but how we relate adds to her anxiety and depression. I am her primary anxiety now with all the stress we have created. She's stuck, she scared to lose me but unhappy if she stays. So she said she is going to take time to feel the pain for awhile before she knows how to proceed. So, right now she said she needs some distance from the intensity, and will "try" to continue to let me know how she is doing and will take things one day at a time, cautiously. I did get one text message her the day after that but haven't heard from her in about a week.

 

I have abandonement issues... I try too hard to hold onto this. I got paranoid and jealous. Not attractive but I have been under so much stress trying to get her back that I have kinda lost myself too. Not paying attention to my own needs. Love is a risk.

 

Second chances are possible... but you have to have extreme patience. If you are the person who got dumped and try to go back to the dumper, remember they have many more reasons for ending it than you did.

 

I still love her but how long do I 'wait'... Can anyone give me a speck of hope there that I can loosen the grip. I was so close and I feel like I am about to lose her again.

[Ukwizard]

Hard to say Rocketgirl,

 

Firstly can I congratulate you on your second chance. I suppose this is what most people on this forum would like to have.

 

I think you already know what most of the problems were in the old relationship. Unfortunately yur partner has depression. My ex had that too.

 

You really have to communicate to each other what you want. Maybe your moving far too fast unlike before when you weren`t present in the old relationship, and this is far too fast, and far too soon. She`s already said to you,

 

"dating or serious committment"

 

Like you said, you spent too much time with her. I would talk to her first, and tell her how, and what you are feeling. Ask her if she needs space, and if she does, back off just a little.

 

I think you have already answered your own post by saying:

 

Second chances are possible... but you have to have extreme patience. If you are the person who got dumped and try to go back to the dumper, remember they have many more reasons for ending it than you did.

 

Remember, like you said......patience.

[rocketgirl]

Hi... this is what she wrote me. I am afraid to call her and talk about it because I am obsessively pushy and that scares her... I am so afraid of losing her again I hold too tight. I want to call her so bad.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

What I'm discovering about myself so far is that "us" seems to be acting as a trigger for my current anxiety and depression. My therapist says the depression has been there for a long time inside me, but whatever it is about how you and I relate, it is tripping that switch. (yep, it's my primary anxiety right now). This is problematic for me because I feel stuck in a bad place with no pleasant options. I have strong feelings for you, but it also makes me feel my worst. Does this make sense? I'm damned whatever I do. I'm scared to let go but I'm unhappy if I stay.

 

I guess that's why I need some distance from this intensity. I have to admit that I had a good weekend and I needed that peace. I do appreciate your phone call this morning and thank you for making an effort to understand. It meant a lot... honest. I'll try to continue letting you know what's going on with me etc. But for now I'm still taking it one day at a time, cautiously.

[MrPot]

It sounds like she's got some serious mental issues she needs to sort out, but that she's a great person and she really might love you.

 

What I'd do is learn to not be pushy. Call her less, first of all. Don't call just to talk. Call to set up your next date. Go out with her, have a good time, but never, ever again bring up the "relationship."

 

I disagree with UKWizard that you should talk about your feelings with her. Just focus on having a good time with her. Let her move the relationship at her pace.

 

If you show her a few months of good fun and no pressure, she should be yours and things should be great.

 

NO pressure.

[rocketgirl]

Ok, here is the latest email from her... Sounds like she wants to be just friends or friends with benefits... I think it will drive me nuts because I really want her as a partner... It just leaves me forever in LIMBO.

 

Help please, give me some other perspectives if you can.

Thx!

- - - - - - - - - - - -

 

First off, no need to apologize for calling since you left a message and said you didn't require a response. It was good just to hear that and I don't mind messages. I'm just letting you know that I'm hesitant to engage in dialogue, that's all.

 

I think what I fear is the perceived lack of respect/acknowledgment for my position. That you continue to push me, have expectations of me etc. especially after I told you I wasn't in a position to do that. I understand that it's hard to accept, and it makes me sad too, but I just can't. I used to think I could and instead realize I was confusing my wants (feelings for you) with my own needs. They are two separate things and in this case don't coexist. It's too hard and maybe impossible for me to give you what you want.

 

I might be open to talking sometime if I knew that you wanted to "just chat" but I question whether you are able to accept me as I am now...without expectations as a girlfriend or otherwise. In the past you told me you probably couldn't -- not without a break to "reset". And I also am unsure as to how to proceed with you. Guess that's why I realized I needed some clear airspace to sort things out and figured that with some time it would become apparent.

 

So I don't know what to say. Do know that I care about you a great deal, but have to be true to myself in the end and acknowledge that my current needs are taking me in a direction that doesn't correspond to being your girlfriend (or anyone's for that matter). You do still have a place in my life but how that will translate will have to be cautiously redefined.

big hug

[roadrun007]

She is making it very obvious for you. I am in the same situation. She wants time for herself. She wants space but would like to keep you as her friend. As someone she has turned to before. She doesn't want a relationship. She needs you to back off that completely. If you want to continue, you must COMPLETELY put all your feelings aside and just be her friend. You can't ever talk about relationships, you just need to talk as her friend. Listen and talk about your day etc. She needs to work on herself and inorder to do that, she can't have any pressures of a relationship. My ex is in the same situation. She needs time to work on herself, we also got into a big fight when I didnt do that. I am now honoring her wishes. Converstation has picked up more. You must respect what she has asked for. If you can't be strong enough to just be her friend, you must go with NC. I know this is all very hard, I cried for nights myself. But if you want to keep her as your friend, you must respect what she has asked for.

[ImInPain]

Give her space and time and let her know you love her and are there for her. It is tough as hell butt do it. Just be her friend. She should come around. I'm in much the same boat.

 

Good luck!!!!!!11