rock and a hard spot...

[Rock and a hard spot]

my girlfriend of 3 years and I have a young son together and she has 3 kids from a previous marriage of which she doesn't have custody. Her kids live about 15 minutes from our apartment with her ex husband.

 

Every morning she gets up early and goes over to her ex's house, gets the kids out of bed, fixes breakfast for them, and gets them on the bus for school. This is good, it's what I'd call being a dedicated mom but that's not all.

 

She also cleens the house, does all the laundry including his, takes car of all the household pets, vacuums the house, does the majority of the grocery shopping, has the same checking account as her ex, and does the dishes. At the end of the day she gets the kids off the bus and cooks the entire family dinner. I usually have no idea what time she will arrive back at the apartment. If I call to ask her ex gets furious and my girl friend ends up in a terrible mood for days because of it. I think the whole situation is "weird" and she tells me many of her friends find this a completely "normal" arrangement. But wait, there's more.

 

I recently learned that her ex is being transferred to a new office in a distant state. My girl friend says that she's going to have to move with him "for the kids sake". I was also informed that she'll be taking our young son. I apparently have the option of giving up my career to move away with them.

 

I do love this woman with all my heart. She says she wants to be married to me and wants a life with me forever. I situation is terrible. I've tried to speak to her about my feelings but I always get accused of trying to tear her from her children. She says she would never think of separating her ex from the children and that is also why she "must" move.

 

I must be stupid to still be involved with her and to be constantly used as a door mat. I feel like a dog in it's kennel .....you know, I'm home now ...come out and play.

 

Any advice would be very helpful to me. I don't know my legal rights all that well. I want the relationship to grow and change but in the time I have lived with her nothing has changed. Same stuff different day.

 

Thanks in advance for any words of wisdome

[carol]

i feel so sad for you. i know when your in love with someone, its so easy to imagine them changing for you. but lets face it thats not going to happen. "if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck" and it looks and sounds like she's married to the other guy still. Take your son and leave. you deserve better.

my girlfriend of 3 years and I have a young son together and she has 3 kids from a previous marriage of which she doesn't have custody. Her kids live about 15 minutes from our apartment with her ex husband. Every morning she gets up early and goes over to her ex's house, gets the kids out of bed, fixes breakfast for them, and gets them on the bus for school. This is good, it's what I'd call being a dedicated mom but that's not all. She also cleens the house, does all the laundry including his, takes car of all the household pets, vacuums the house, does the majority of the grocery shopping, has the same checking account as her ex, and does the dishes. At the end of the day she gets the kids off the bus and cooks the entire family dinner. I usually have no idea what time she will arrive back at the apartment. If I call to ask her ex gets furious and my girl friend ends up in a terrible mood for days because of it. I think the whole situation is "weird" and she tells me many of her friends find this a completely "normal" arrangement. But wait, there's more. I recently learned that her ex is being transferred to a new office in a distant state. My girl friend says that she's going to have to move with him "for the kids sake". I was also informed that she'll be taking our young son. I apparently have the option of giving up my career to move away with them. I do love this woman with all my heart. She says she wants to be married to me and wants a life with me forever. I situation is terrible. I've tried to speak to her about my feelings but I always get accused of trying to tear her from her children. She says she would never think of separating her ex from the children and that is also why she "must" move. I must be stupid to still be involved with her and to be constantly used as a door mat. I feel like a dog in it's kennel .....you know, I'm home now ...come out and play. Any advice would be very helpful to me. I don't know my legal rights all that well. I want the relationship to grow and change but in the time I have lived with her nothing has changed. Same stuff different day. Thanks in advance for any words of wisdome

[odyne]

Although the relationship with your girlfriend seems like a central issue, I think the most important thing is your son. You have to realize though that she probably feels the same way about her children, even if she does go a little overboard. Maybe you should suggest to her that she should look into counseling, having an outside influence analyze the situation may make her see more clearly. Don't give up your relationship right away if you really do want to marry this woman, but you may want to tell her that unless you seek help (together) things will not work out. It doesn't sound like she is giving you much choice or much influence in the life of your son. If you really feel you don't want to or can't handle the move and need to break up with your girlfriend, you will need to know about the laws in your state and what you can do about custody. Here are some links that I hope are helpful:

 

National Father's Resource Center-

 

http://fathers4kids.org/index.html

 

State by State Custody Resources List-

 

http://www.custodysource.com/state.htm

 

General info about Custody- (7 pages)

 

http://freeadvice.com/law/544us.htm

 

Take care.

 

-Odyne

[Totally Confused]

You are in an incredibly dysfunctional relationship. By you staying in this, you are supporting a dyfunctional situation. What about the child that the two of you have together? This will definitely end up effecting him. Your girlfriend has chosen to stay in this situation with her ex. She doesn't want out. She claims it's for the sake of the children, but it's because she wants it too. She wants her children to grow up in a normal household with a normal family with both of their parents there. She is a good woman for trying and has an incredibly unselfish heart when it comes to her children. The only problem is that you are last on the list. I commend the woman for all her wonderful acts, and it's wonderful for her children but what about you? This is no way for you to live or even your other child. When you were little, did you say to yourself, when I grow up, I want a woman who will never be there for me and is totally unavailable. No, you wanted someone that was yours and all yours. You wanted your own family to raise and support. This girlfriend is basically married. I also commend you for having the patience to put up with this cr*p for as long as you have. You've been taken total advantage of and totally taken for granted. You are experiencing what most people who are dating a married person are experiencing - NEGLECT. You will never get her to give up some of her responsibility. she will only resent you if you try to make her. You do have rights with your child. I suggest you call your city's DA's office and get some free legal advice. This is not a normal or healthy situation to be in. At least you realize it. Unfortunately your girlfriend doesn't, and her wacky friends are just pasifying her. Nobody would want to be in a situatio like this, it's crazy. I know you love this woman, but love isn't everything. It needs to also be a happy and healthy environment. If you were to leave her, I know it would kill you. You would go into a year long depression. but look at your other option. If you stay with this woman, you're looking at your future, and it doesn't look bright, you'll constantly live in a slow, nagging depression, with this unhealthy situation constantly weighing on your mind. Is this what you want for you and your child? My suggestion would be to get out of this. do not move to be near her. You've got to take a stand and be a strong person. It's time for you to find someone who is there and devoted. Once you've taken the first steps, gone through the missing, gone through the depression and whatever else, you will find someone new. You will move on and be happy, but you have to be the one to take the step. Otherwise, nothing will change and you'll be stuck in this ditch you're in. Counceling, would be extremely helpful for you, but not a couples counceling. Her children are too important and she won't change her mind and doesn't think what she's doing is unhealthy, so she might not support it. But you need a councelor to help you get through this. I hope everything works out and if you need any legal advice, my roommate works for the DA's office in NY and he can get you the number of someone who can help you with your child. Good Luck.