How far is too far when seeking the "Truth"

[P1xie]

I have seen some posts on here and in my life that I think Wow I would never go that far just to find out if my SO is up to something.

 

Hacking into e-mails, snooping on computers, listening into phone conversations, checking cell phones for msgs, reading IM logs, following the person, checking mileage on cars the list can go on and on.

 

This is extreme and I wonder if anyone actually be willing to do this if it meant saving a relationship: Asking your SO to do a lie detector test. I know of two people that have asked their guys to do this. One for an a affair the other drug use. They have both even considered hiring a Private Investigator.

 

I personally would refuse a lie detector test for the principle of it.

 

So how far is too far???

[Brittjean06]

If you truely have your reasons that your SO is cheating. Than I think its allright if you go through all lengths to find out. If you normally just cheak their email or hack their password on a daily basis. That is too far. Ever see the show cheaters. A reality show of course. Do you think that is too far? My bestfriends mother payed people to find out her husband was cheating because she had instincts on it. They took pictures of her husband with someone else. I know your SO has their rights to privacy but if you had this instict and the right hacking device woulden't the temptation to get that password be hard to resist? is that crazy?

[stoopid_guy]

P1xie,

 

I've seen a few of those posts, and are as amazed as you. Keylogging? Sneaking a look at text messages? Having underwear analyzed for semen?

 

To me, those actions are pretty low. I have to wonder how they'd feel if their SOs spied on them and saw what they posted here?

 

If you don't trust them, leave them. If your mistrust is justified, you're better off and you haven't stooped so low. If your mistrust is unjustified, they're better off without you.

[P1xie]

Having underwear analyzed for semen?

 

Sad as this is I know someone that thought about doing this. For any women that have considered this don't bother. When she called the clinic the doctors said that it was pointless that even if a man did not have sex that day there would be semen in their underware regardless.

 

I would be outraged if my SO did any of this to me, so there would be no way I would do it to him. We don't have a very good relationship right now so it's not a case of everything is perfect. If I have a question about anything that I feel I have the "Right" to know about I ask him.

 

We been together long enough that I can tell if he is lying or stretching the truth. If I think he is lying I don't snoop around to prove it I tell him yeah right your a big fat liar! (No he is not overweight the fat is for the big lie).

 

So is it the needing of concrete evidence that makes people go this far or the not being able to ask their SO?

[stoopid_guy]

For any women that have considered this don't bother. When she called the clinic the doctors said that it was pointless that even if a man did not have sex that day there would be semen in their underware regardless.

Nah, that was a guy checking on his SO.

[Tony T]

If you can't trust somebody, you shouldn't be with them. When it comes to a point when you think you have to be checking on them in various ways...it's time to pull out. There is simply no point in putting yourself through a life of not being sure if your SO is lying or telling the truth, faithful or cheating, etc. If you have enough doubt you feel the necessity to snoop, I think it's pretty well over. Constant doubt and wondering is a state that no person should be in.

 

Of course, these days it's really hard to find people you can trust.

[norajane]

I see it as: if I don't trust him now to the point where I feel checking up on him constantly is necessary, then I'm not likely to ever fully trust him. So there's no point in the long run.

 

However, I suppose if I suspected a husband of cheating, and if I needed evidence for a divorce, I might try to find information that was easily accessible to me as his wife, like credit card bills and such.

[RecordProducer]

Sometimes people are checking in order to find confirmation that their partner is faithful when they get suspicious. Sometimes the signs are not there but the intuition tells you something, and you want to check it.

 

Also when you're pretty sure, but in love and don't have any proofs, you want to find out the truth. I have personally never been cheated on, at least never by a significant lover or not that I know of, but I can easily imagine that it can become an obsession that involves a lot of humiliation and pain.

 

There was a poster on LS who never suspected anything. Then she got suspicious and asked the husband if he was having an affair. He denied. Then she sneaked up on him and got hard evidence. Turns out he's been cheating for ten years with a good friend. They stayed married, but the point is: sometimes it's worth knowing the truth. Many people have divorced after discovering infidelity. Think of all the people who trusted their partners and were cheated on!

[magichands]

If you have enough doubt you feel the necessity to snoop, I think it's pretty well over.

I guess the only question that remains is - is this chronic insecurity, or is there good reason for one's gut feeling.

Of course, these days it's really hard to find people you can trust.

Trust and thrust - the golden double.

[differ]

Personally, if i truly truly thought something was up with my SO, I'd go to any length necessary, however it wouldn't be for the sake of salvaging anything. I'd do it to have concrete evidence to confront them with and justify my departure.

[Nicholas]

If you can't trust somebody, you shouldn't be with them. When it comes to a point when you think you have to be checking on them in various ways...it's time to pull out.

I fully agree.

 

If anyone ever read my e-mail, listened to my phone conversations, read my text messages or IM logs, or otherwise snooped, I would be out in a second. I also would never agree to a lie detector test.

 

In my opinion, the only excuse for snooping is if you need solid evidence in a divorce settlement, but only after you have already decided for sure to end the marriage.

[littleladyofgold]

Wait until you are in love, have kids, been married for 5-20 years and feel like you are continually being lied to on a daily basis. Of course you still love this person, so you don't want to end the marriage for nothing. Yet, you are slightly suspicious because he/she has exhibited different behavior lately. Easy for everyone to say all this until it happens to you.

[blusky]

What about an open, honest and transparent relationship ? I would prefer no secrets and if my SO wants to read my emails, texts or whatever - go right ahead! nothing to hide. If you are doing something you feel the need to hide from your SO - you best think again - it will come back and bite you.

[Outcast]

What about an open, honest and transparent relationship ? I would prefer no secrets and if my SO wants to read my emails, texts or whatever - go right ahead! nothing to hide. If you are doing something you feel the need to hide from your SO - you best think again - it will come back and bite you.

 

I totally agree.

[P1xie]

Wait until you are in love, have kids, been married for 5-20 years and feel like you are continually being lied to on a daily basis. Of course you still love this person, so you don't want to end the marriage for nothing. Yet, you are slightly suspicious because he/she has exhibited different behavior lately. Easy for everyone to say all this until it happens to you.

 

I have been through some things with SO, but I still respected his privacy. I do understand how it happens. I just think there should be some limits on what we do. After being married for 5-20 years don't you think a person should be able to tell if the person is lying or not?

 

 

What about an open, honest and transparent relationship ? I would prefer no secrets and if my SO wants to read my emails, texts or whatever - go right ahead! nothing to hide. If you are doing something you feel the need to hide from your SO - you best think again - it will come back and bite you.

What if you have personal e-mails of other people confining in you. Family, friends etc. personal lives. I'm going to protect their privacy and not lose their trust just because I have a suspicous bf who feels he needs to read my emails. (Which he doesn't)

[Trimmer]

I have been through some things with SO, but I still respected his privacy. I do understand how it happens. I just think there should be some limits on what we do. After being married for 5-20 years don't you think a person should be able to tell if the person is lying or not?

It goes both ways though; after being married for 5-20 years, don't you think a person would have had lots of practice to know how to lie to a partner, especially one who respects their privacy and trusts them?

 

Look, you're talking about two different things here. On one hand, you're saying people should respect each others' privacy, and I agree with that. If you base a marriage on constant spying and snooping, then you don't really have a very solid foundation. Limits? Sure! I would never have even though to open her cell phone to look at her text messages; I never had a reason to look at her credit card bill. I trusted her implicitly. I don't think you'll find a lot of people on here who would advocate a regular program of spying on Emails, text messages, etc. in a normal marriage.

 

But I think you are missing the idea that the overwhelming number of people on here who are snooping and spying have already received a rude awakening of some kind, and are trying to reconcile their distorted view of their marriage and their partner. Often, their attempts to engage in open discussion about the marriage are met with denial, lies, and even anger reflected back at them. And here's the part where I'll use a phrase that I usually strenuously avoid: unless you've been there, you don't know the inner dissonance and insanity this causes. Once the trust has been broken and lied about - by the wayward partner - where would you say those limits should be that the BS should feel bound by?

 

I'm not proud of my snooping and spying. I'm not justifying it as a normal part of marriage. And I'm not saying "I was crazy, I didn't mean it..." I take full responsibility and, insanity aside, I chose to do it because I wanted to know what the hell was going on when my wife deceived me and refused to tell me herself that the outcome of our marriage hinged on a third person. In the end, I know more of the truth about the end of our marriage than I would have if I had blindly trusted her and "respected her privacy" while she continued lying to me about this thing that I thought was a joint endeavor between the two of us.

 

So I won't be doing this in the normal course of a relationship - when I have one again some day - a relationship, that is - I will start out assuming trust. But, when I'm reviewing the cell phone bill that I pay for, if I find 120 calls per month to one number, I will probably have some things I'll be checking out.

[P1xie]

 

But I think you are missing the idea that the overwhelming number of people on here who are snooping and spying have already received a rude awakening of some kind, and are trying to reconcile their distorted view of their marriage and their partner. Often, their attempts to engage in open discussion about the marriage are met with denial, lies, and even anger reflected back at them. And here's the part where I'll use a phrase that I usually strenuously avoid: unless you've been there, you don't know the inner dissonance and insanity this causes. Once the trust has been broken and lied about - by the wayward partner - where would you say those limits should be that the BS should feel bound by?

I have been there. Why did you start to snoop? To prove what you already knew? How did you already know? You have already said you didn't snoop until something came up. So you must of because you knew you had been lied to and was met with denials.

 

So I won't be doing this in the normal course of a relationship - when I have one again some day - a relationship, that is - I will start out assuming trust. But, when I'm reviewing the cell phone bill that I pay for, if I find 120 calls per month to one number, I will probably have some things I'll be checking out.

Or instead of checking everything out confronting her.

[blusky]

What if you have personal e-mails of other people confining in you. Family, friends etc. personal lives. I'm going to protect their privacy and not lose their trust just because I have a suspicous bf who feels he needs to read my emails. (Which he doesn't)

 

Difficult - but I beleive being honest and open is still possible - e.g. say to SO please respect my family/friends privacy right now and don't read those particular emails.

It should work both ways and and if there is something amiss it will be impossible to hide for any length of time.

[Trimmer]

I have been there. Why did you start to snoop? To prove what you already knew? How did you already know? You have already said you didn't snoop until something came up. So you must of because you knew you had been lied to and was met with denials.

No, it wasn't to prove what I already knew. The line about the "deep down, the BS always knows" is bull***t. I felt and practiced exactly the trust and openness that you are advocating, and no, I didn't KNOW what was going on. It's only now that I know I was lied to. At the time, I only thought something might be wrong, and the one person I trusted most in the world was telling me I was wrong, but it was making me crazy. I couldn't reconcile it. Should I have just flipped a coin and let that determine the outcome of my marriage?

 

I'm trying to understand what you are saying - people in this kind of situation should just be expected to know the truth when someone is lying to them and not undertake any investigating because it crosses some privacy/trust line? My point is that in this situation you are totally confused because the very person that you thought you could trust is the one trying to deceive you. You don't know, at that time, what is going on, and you can't very well make decisions - other than random coin-flips - without truthful information.

[Adunaphel]

I'd be fine with my SO checking my e-mail, cell phone, if he feels the need to.

I'd not have problems if he feels like checking what I do when I'm out on my own, if it can help him to be sure that he can trust me.

I would never agree to a lie-detector test only because I don't trust them.

 

And I am wary of people who care so much about their privacy that they consider a criminal offence if their SO "does not trust them" and snoops a little. I am surely wrong, but they give me the idea that they have, or might have in future, something to hide.

One thing is compulsive-obsessive checking, and spending your time playing detective,but I don't see anything wrong in checking whether a suspicion is just an unfounded suspicion or not, or doing a little snooping if that can help you realize that you can actually trust your SO.

 

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I draw lines, though:

 

- snooping because you are worried I might be cheating, is fine. I encourage it. If that can put you at ease and feel better, go for it.

Snooping just for the sake of it, though, is something I do not put up with.

 

- You are not entitled to read or hear private conversations between me and people whom you know are just friends, if you know they are not about you.

Never, ever ask me about anything that I've been asked/agreed not to tell anyone and is not about you. Never, ever insist that I tell you.

 

- you can go through my drawers, but leave everything exactly in the place you found it.

 

- do not delete emails from my account, do not delete phone numbers or text message, do not throw away anything you can find in my stuff. If it's important to you, ask me to do it. I'll probably listen.

 

- if you write or talk to anyone I know posing as me, odds are that I will not react nicely.

 

- any chat log or email or letter that I wrote before getting together with you, is none of your business.

 

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It's funny because in a way I'm all for snooping, but still consider important to respect the other person's privacy, even if just up to a point.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, it's much different in a bf/gf situation to where you have less emotional and financial investment.

 

Be married 15-20 years have a bunch of kiddos, one or two mortgages, and all of that other stuff. Then you might feel differently.

 

The BS is consumed with the need to know- and the cheater ALWAYS lies. This enrages the BS even more and it becomes a contest almost to see if the other person has lied or is lying.

 

You know it, probably deep down, but you just don't want it to be true.

 

The snooping is to bottom line have proof of what's going on, so in your mind you can accept it- because until you have proof you cannot justify busting up your life and your kids life for nothing.

 

Also, in catching an affair, there is still a chance of saving your marriage and protecting your children. You may say that you don't want to do that if your partner is cheating but think about this. Many many people say they would leave their spouse in an instant if they were cheating, but in reality- according to Willard Harley- marriage expert- that's rarely true.

 

The issue is being transparent to your spouse and trustworthy. I feel that if the other person is doing all they can to make you feel secure, then yes they are entitled to their privacy.

 

We're not talking about those cases. Most of the time this is people who are hiding their cells, deleting their cell phone records, have large amounts of unaccounted time away from home, not having sex with their partner and acting suspicious. So, say that's the case for you- and you ask your partner if they are cheating or if something is going on. They are going to LIE- they WILL. It's like a freaking script. I thought I was original in my lies when I was cheating but guess what? They all say the same thing- they are very convincing too. "I would never do that to you darling" yada yada.

 

I have male friends- and I email them back and forth. My husband has female friends from college. We are both welcome to check each others email anytime or phone. We don't take a call or a text and hide it from the other person. If I thought my spouse was up to something, I would look too. In a heartbeat.

[P1xie]

No, it wasn't to prove what I already knew. The line about the "deep down, the BS always knows" is bull***t. I felt and practiced exactly the trust and openness that you are advocating, and no, I didn't KNOW what was going on. It's only now that I know I was lied to. At the time, I only thought something might be wrong, and the one person I trusted most in the world was telling me I was wrong, but it was making me crazy. I couldn't reconcile it. Should I have just flipped a coin and let that determine the outcome of my marriage?

 

Maybe I could understand it more if someone would say Hey I needed concrete evidence before I broke it off.

 

My whole point of this thread was how far is to far. Is it just snooping is it lie detector tests? What were your limits to finding out what you needed to find out to move on. It wasn't meant to judge others or make them feel defensive on how they deal with being lied to or cheated on. People do crazy things when they are in love.

 

This type of behavior consumes people, I've seen it first hand and I'm not talking about here. This women keeps telling me, be sure to tell me when I'm going to far. I hate being in the position and basically tell her she needs to do what is right for her. She did ask me to spy on her H but I refused. That is when I said that is taking it too far.

 

When I figured out that my SO before the one I'm with now was cheating. Honestly I did think about checking his phone, I did think about following him (oh it would of been great to catch him in the act), I did fantasy about beating the crap out of the other women. I did not act on these though because I knew in my heart and gut that the guy was bold face lying to me and I trusted my instinct.

[Walk]

I think my ex would've done anything just to have something concrete to hold on to. Frankly, I probably sent that poor man into the nut house. I had him believing up was down and down up. Nothing made sense to him anymore... I'm sure he felt like he'd lost touch with reality and I think he would've done anything just to find that one solid piece of ground where he could finally rest his head. And that piece of ground is always where the truth is.

 

I don't think we have much of an expectation of privacy anyways. Company emails are up for grabs, government can get your private email.. phone conversations are tapped.. people in other countries install keyloggers on my computer to steal my passwords and account numbers (Go Ahead and Take my $12!!!) Bums go through my garbage and take my credit card receipts and bank receipts. People steal my identity from the Department of Defense. That cracked me up.. my personal information that is most sacred to me has been stolen from the very people entrusted to protect us... And you feel you have an expectation of privacy?!?! HA HA HA Good one.

 

Oh, there's this bar down town that has a webcam installed to show their dance floor. I was wondering how many cheating partners have been caught with that one?? haha

[Mz. Pixie]

I personally would never ask my partner to take a lie detector. I wouldn't push it that far.

 

I would however look at their phone, check their email or follow them in someone else's car.

[JackJack]

IMO, just becasue some might not check doesn't mean others wouldn't. Most of the time people who check up on their spouse or partner is usually becasue they feel they have reason. Sure there are some who check just becasue they are insecure. I think those are the ones that might need to get some help for their insecurity issues.

 

I see in alot of posts where others will say, Why not just ask your spouse whats going on, or what they are doing etc." There is nothing wrong with that, and communication is great, but sometimes there are people who have asked their spouse things, just to be left hanging, with no clear cut answer to anything, but yet things still seem off no matter what their spouse tells them. Most of the time people who are doing something they shouldn't wont just come out and confess. Sure there are some who will eventually break and confess to their partner whats going on. When people fgeel they have gotten no answers to things, I think thats when they begin to snoop. I'm not for snooping, unless someone is not getting answers.

 

I know for me, if my g/f was doing something she shouldn't, and things didn't seem right, and after asking her things, if I still wasn't getting answers, then yes I probably would snoop myself. I also think she would as well, if the situation were reversed. I do think some people can go to the extreme. But what one might think is extreme another may not. JMO.