whats going on?

[justAgirl]

Hi!

 

I'm a girl with very little sexual/dating experience, and I'm trying to figure out what's going on ... the reason I'm confused is that most of my information about love and such came from media - TV, songs, etc. But whenever a friend tells me about a real-life relationship, it doesn't sound much like the movie stories. So what IS going on?

 

I am especially interested in several respects such as:

 

are the old-fashioned ways of boy courting girl forgotten nowadays? do girls court just as much as guys? Is it no big deal for a girl to ask a guy out on a date anymore? To make the first move? To lead the relationship?

 

is it true that it's girls who get used? from the real-life stories i hear, guys get used a lot of times too. media often portrays guys as the ones looking for "just sex", but i hear about a lot of girls who want exactly that, and then dump the guys once they're done.

 

So what's happening in North America these days?

 

Thanks.

[Tony T]

You make a very big mistake thinking that what happens in movies is close to real life. Movies are written from people's imaginations and the way they would like things to be. If movies closely resembled real life, nobody would go see them.

 

YOUR QUESTIONS:

 

1. "are the old-fashioned ways of boy courting girl forgotten nowadays?"

 

Well, the general idea is there but that's about it. Courting is different for different people but, depending on your age, it goes from pretty innocent to the guy or girl trying to get sex as much as possible, to looking for somebody more serious, etc. It's a different experience all the time and I don't think there's quite as much honesty involved as there used to be.

 

2. "do girls court just as much as guys?"

 

Unless it's a homosexual relationship, there has to be a girl courting for every guy who is courting...or did I misunderstand the question. I think at certain ages, females are more serious about finding a mate as males and agendas may differ.

 

3. "Is it no big deal for a girl to ask a guy out on a date anymore?"

 

No big deal whatsoever. It's done all the time. Some guys are extremely shy and wouldn't have dates unless the girls took the initiative. Ladies deserve to have the option of targeting a male they really like and I think it's nice that they go for what they want.

 

4. "To make the first move?"

 

Usually, the guy makes the first move...but many girls do it to. Just depends on the circumstances. If the girl wants some action, she's gonna go for it usually. Just depends on her personality and how much she wants it.

 

5. "To lead the relationship?"

 

Men usually think they lead the relationship but it's usually the woman in charge. Women are pretty good about letting men think they're running things. But most women prefer a man who is a man and who is decisive and makes the important decisions in the relationship. But the woman usually isn't going to do anything she doesn't want to do.

 

6. "Is it true that it's girls who get used?"

 

No, both sexes get used but for different things. Men use girls a lot for sex, etc. Females use guys for money and stuff. It all seems to wash out in equal measure.

 

Of course, some very nice girls who would never use a guy for anything get used for sex or whatever and some really nice guys get used by females for doing their homework, giving them money, etc. It works all kinds of ways.

 

7. "from the real-life stories i hear, guys get used a lot of times too. media often portrays guys as the ones looking for "just sex", but i hear about a lot of girls who want exactly that, and then dump the guys once they're done."

 

Yeah, and it's great. Of all the things I hate getting used for, sex is the one I hate the least.

 

8. "So what's happening in North America these days?"

 

It really depends on which neighborhood you live in. Things are pretty much the same here as anywhere else.

 

Happy New Year!!!

[justAgirl]

Thanks Tony!

 

No more movie stereotypes

 

About courting... I meant... is it like the guy starts liking someone & takes her out & tries to get her to like him back... or is it more two-sided nowadays ...

 

by "courting" i mean doing nice things to get the other person to like u.

 

Thanks.

You make a very big mistake thinking that what happens in movies is close to real life. Movies are written from people's imaginations and the way they would like things to be. If movies closely resembled real life, nobody would go see them. YOUR QUESTIONS: 1. "are the old-fashioned ways of boy courting girl forgotten nowadays?" Well, the general idea is there but that's about it. Courting is different for different people but, depending on your age, it goes from pretty innocent to the guy or girl trying to get sex as much as possible, to looking for somebody more serious, etc. It's a different experience all the time and I don't think there's quite as much honesty involved as there used to be. 2. "do girls court just as much as guys?"

 

Unless it's a homosexual relationship, there has to be a girl courting for every guy who is courting...or did I misunderstand the question. I think at certain ages, females are more serious about finding a mate as males and agendas may differ. 3. "Is it no big deal for a girl to ask a guy out on a date anymore?" No big deal whatsoever. It's done all the time. Some guys are extremely shy and wouldn't have dates unless the girls took the initiative. Ladies deserve to have the option of targeting a male they really like and I think it's nice that they go for what they want. 4. "To make the first move?" Usually, the guy makes the first move...but many girls do it to. Just depends on the circumstances. If the girl wants some action, she's gonna go for it usually. Just depends on her personality and how much she wants it. 5. "To lead the relationship?"

 

Men usually think they lead the relationship but it's usually the woman in charge. Women are pretty good about letting men think they're running things. But most women prefer a man who is a man and who is decisive and makes the important decisions in the relationship. But the woman usually isn't going to do anything she doesn't want to do. 6. "Is it true that it's girls who get used?" No, both sexes get used but for different things. Men use girls a lot for sex, etc. Females use guys for money and stuff. It all seems to wash out in equal measure. Of course, some very nice girls who would never use a guy for anything get used for sex or whatever and some really nice guys get used by females for doing their homework, giving them money, etc. It works all kinds of ways. 7. "from the real-life stories i hear, guys get used a lot of times too. media often portrays guys as the ones looking for "just sex", but i hear about a lot of girls who want exactly that, and then dump the guys once they're done." Yeah, and it's great. Of all the things I hate getting used for, sex is the one I hate the least. 8. "So what's happening in North America these days?" It really depends on which neighborhood you live in. Things are pretty much the same here as anywhere else. Happy New Year!!!

[justAgirl]

When i was asking about courting, i wanted to know what to expect from guys, basically.

 

Do guys stop trying if the girl says no the first time?

 

I know one guy who told me that if he asks a girl out and she says no, he's simply gonna respect that and not try to date her again. I was surprised ... where's the persistence n all? Is this a typical guy attitude?

 

I have a sense that things are more two-way than they used to be. Or is it just movie stereotypes that guys used to spend months trying to get their interest to pay attention to them, and they keep trying even if she doesn't give in?

 

Also, who pays nowadays? and if the people each pay for themselves, can it be considered a date? What does it mean if a guy wants to date you, but doesn't pay for you when you go out together? I generally prefer paying for myself so that i dont feel like i owe anything to the guy (i'm a student, i usually date students, and i just dont feel comfortable having someone who has tuition to pay, just like me, pay for me). Are guys gonna interpret such arrangement in any particular way?

 

Also, if guys ask a girl out and she says yes, do they assume the deal's done? Where's the line between just dating and some kind of committment? Saying yes to "going out" with someone doesn't imply committment, right? I know it's all relative, but whats the average view of things?

 

when people say "i asked her out", do they mean that they asked her to date them, or to be gf/bf?

 

I'm sorry my questions are general, but i'm trying to figure out what's going on typically, more or less. I don't have much trouble deciding what to do in particular cases, but i have a feeling my view of things is quite diff. from the typical one!

 

Thanks!

[Tony T]

1. "Do guys stop trying if the girl says no the first time?"

 

People (guys) don't like rejection. If the girl doesn't give some very good sign to the guy that she is busy on that particular night but to please call for another night...or ask to make it another night...it is very likely the guy will not call again.

 

Girls complain like hell about guys who bug them and won't lay off...then they complain about a guy who doesn't want to bug them. There's just no winning at this game, I guess.

 

2. "where's the persistence n all?"

 

If the girl kept the door open, the guy will persist a bit. But most sane guys won't come back for more punishment if they got a flat "NO" from the gal.

 

3. "Is this a typical guy attitude?"

 

Most guys want to go out with a lady who wants to go out with them. If you can't say yes to a particular day but you want to leave the door open, just tell the guy to please call you again for another night...that you'd love to go out with him. You ought to feel lucky guys around your parts aren't wanting to annoy the hell out of you when you don't want to date them.

 

4. "is it just movie stereotypes that guys used to spend months trying to get their interest to pay attention to them, and they keep trying even if she doesn't give in?"

 

That doesn't seem to be your experience. I think most guys get the hint...but some are too stupid and some are just inconsiderate. Sometimes girls have to call the police or change their phone number to keep certain idiots from bothering them.

 

5. "Also, who pays nowadays?"

 

Most of the time, a guy pays for dates, particularly during the initial dating period. It's always nice if the gal wants to pay...or if she knows the guy is having financial problems, if she really wants to see him she'll have to foot the bill.

 

6. "and if the people each pay for themselves, can it be considered a date?"

 

A date is a date. Even if both of you skip out on the tab, get arrested and spend the night in jail, it's a date.

 

7. "What does it mean if a guy wants to date you, but doesn't pay for you when you go out together?"

 

I'd say he's a cheap baxtard, a freeloader, a bum, and certainly not a guy who is financially responsible. He's a user who is taking the girl for a fool. I hope you aren't in a situation like this.

 

8. "I generally prefer paying for myself so that i dont feel like i owe anything to the guy (i'm a student, i usually date students, and i just dont feel comfortable having someone who has tuition to pay, just like me, pay for me). Are guys gonna interpret such arrangement in any particular way?"

 

Yes, they'll think they died and went to heaven. Some will feel they've found a real sucker. A few will think you're a real sweet lady. There may even be some who become Wall Street millionaires on the money they save because you've paid your way and they've had lots of fun.

 

9. "Also, if guys ask a girl out and she says yes, do they assume the deal's done?"

 

Depends on what your talking about. If you're talking sex here, the deal isn't done until orgasm. If you're talking about just a date, if she says yes...the date is set.

 

10. "Where's the line between just dating and some kind of committment?"

 

There is no line. The couple talks about this and through good communication they establish a committment when the time comes that both of them feel they're ready for that. If one is ready and the other is not for a very long period of time, then the relationship usually ends.

 

11. "Saying yes to "going out" with someone doesn't imply committment, right?"

 

Depends on what you mean by "going out." If you mean "going out" with each other, then it depends on what the two of you think it means. It could mean that you're seeing each other exclusively or that you will continue to date each other along with others.

 

12. "I know it's all relative, but whats the average view of things?"

 

Every person has different field of vision. See your optometrist for details.

 

13. "When people say "i asked her out", do they mean that they asked her to date them, or to be gf/bf?"

 

Usually, they would mean they asked her out on a date. If they are in a relationship, I guess it means the same thing. You do not ask somebody "out" when you mean to ask them if they will be your gf/bf. Two different things there.

 

14. "I'm sorry my questions are general, but i'm trying to figure out what's going on typically, more or less."

 

Your questions aren't general, they are pretty specific...but they are extremely basic. You may be better asking these questions of one of your girlfriends who has some dating experience.

 

Just how old are you? Are your parents very strict? If you are 15 or older, you really need to get with a girl who is maybe a few years older and sharpen your knowledge of these things. Don't feel bad. Some people just get this information late. Some never receive it at all. It's good that you're asking but you want to learn this basic information as soon as possible...if you are old enough to need it.

[justAgirl]

Thanks Tony.

 

I'm very much old enough to learn it all...

 

And i have some idea of how it all goes, i've had a long relationship, but lately what i hear from people around me surprises me, so i sort of wanted to make sure i got the basics right.

 

Thank u I'll be back with more Qns, most likely.

 

Some more Qns, if u dont mind:

 

how should a girl act around guys she likes? i've been taught by parents to not show ANY interest in guys, and lately i find that isn't the way. i noticed that if i flirt n act friendly, they're much more willing to be around me ... obvious stuff, i guess. yet i dont want to be the initiator - again, parents taught me it's the guy who shd express interest first. so i'm afraid to flirt n show interest... any tips?

 

smth i found strange: a lot of pretty & smart girls stay without dates, and some fairly unattractive ones without much brain-power get tons of men. how come?? i think it's because the 2nd type are more agressive - i see them approaching men, showing interest, etc.

 

Seeing all this, and being used to 'not showing ANY interest' like i was told, i feel like i need to change my attitude, but not sure in what directtion...

 

help? thank u

 

PS the reason i dont ask a girlfriend is .... nobody would ever guess i have basic Qns like this (i think!)... people have told me time n time again that i project a confident, friendly, slightly snobby image... ppl laugh when i say im shy ... but i really am! I just dont show it.

 

ANyway, thanks for your answers. They're very helpful.

1. "Do guys stop trying if the girl says no the first time?" People (guys) don't like rejection. If the girl doesn't give some very good sign to the guy that she is busy on that particular night but to please call for another night...or ask to make it another night...it is very likely the guy will not call again. Girls complain like hell about guys who bug them and won't lay off...then they complain about a guy who doesn't want to bug them. There's just no winning at this game, I guess. 2. "where's the persistence n all?"

 

If the girl kept the door open, the guy will persist a bit. But most sane guys won't come back for more punishment if they got a flat "NO" from the gal. 3. "Is this a typical guy attitude?"

 

Most guys want to go out with a lady who wants to go out with them. If you can't say yes to a particular day but you want to leave the door open, just tell the guy to please call you again for another night...that you'd love to go out with him. You ought to feel lucky guys around your parts aren't wanting to annoy the hell out of you when you don't want to date them. 4. "is it just movie stereotypes that guys used to spend months trying to get their interest to pay attention to them, and they keep trying even if she doesn't give in?" That doesn't seem to be your experience. I think most guys get the hint...but some are too stupid and some are just inconsiderate. Sometimes girls have to call the police or change their phone number to keep certain idiots from bothering them. 5. "Also, who pays nowadays?" Most of the time, a guy pays for dates, particularly during the initial dating period. It's always nice if the gal wants to pay...or if she knows the guy is having financial problems, if she really wants to see him she'll have to foot the bill.

 

6. "and if the people each pay for themselves, can it be considered a date?" A date is a date. Even if both of you skip out on the tab, get arrested and spend the night in jail, it's a date. 7. "What does it mean if a guy wants to date you, but doesn't pay for you when you go out together?" I'd say he's a cheap baxtard, a freeloader, a bum, and certainly not a guy who is financially responsible. He's a user who is taking the girl for a fool. I hope you aren't in a situation like this. 8. "I generally prefer paying for myself so that i dont feel like i owe anything to the guy (i'm a student, i usually date students, and i just dont feel comfortable having someone who has tuition to pay, just like me, pay for me). Are guys gonna interpret such arrangement in any particular way?" Yes, they'll think they died and went to heaven. Some will feel they've found a real sucker. A few will think you're a real sweet lady. There may even be some who become Wall Street millionaires on the money they save because you've paid your way and they've had lots of fun. 9. "Also, if guys ask a girl out and she says yes, do they assume the deal's done?"

 

Depends on what your talking about. If you're talking sex here, the deal isn't done until orgasm. If you're talking about just a date, if she says yes...the date is set. 10. "Where's the line between just dating and some kind of committment?" There is no line. The couple talks about this and through good communication they establish a committment when the time comes that both of them feel they're ready for that. If one is ready and the other is not for a very long period of time, then the relationship usually ends. 11. "Saying yes to "going out" with someone doesn't imply committment, right?"

 

Depends on what you mean by "going out." If you mean "going out" with each other, then it depends on what the two of you think it means. It could mean that you're seeing each other exclusively or that you will continue to date each other along with others. 12. "I know it's all relative, but whats the average view of things?" Every person has different field of vision. See your optometrist for details. 13. "When people say "i asked her out", do they mean that they asked her to date them, or to be gf/bf?" Usually, they would mean they asked her out on a date. If they are in a relationship, I guess it means the same thing. You do not ask somebody "out" when you mean to ask them if they will be your gf/bf. Two different things there.

 

14. "I'm sorry my questions are general, but i'm trying to figure out what's going on typically, more or less." Your questions aren't general, they are pretty specific...but they are extremely basic. You may be better asking these questions of one of your girlfriends who has some dating experience. Just how old are you? Are your parents very strict? If you are 15 or older, you really need to get with a girl who is maybe a few years older and sharpen your knowledge of these things. Don't feel bad. Some people just get this information late. Some never receive it at all. It's good that you're asking but you want to learn this basic information as soon as possible...if you are old enough to need it.