I am their mother. Back off!

[luvtoto]

I am furious. I am TIRED of dealing with my X sister in law. She is trying to take over and be my daughter's mother. But, in a "mommy dearest" style.

 

Granted, I am a single mother and can use all the help I can get. Their father bailed, and I used to feel good about having my xsil in the picture still. She is the ONLY family my children have, and my daughter and her have been close over the years.

 

She has a son who is dying of a rare disease. He is 8. Over the course of a few years, her son has become blind. Plus, she is unable to have any more kids. I feel sorry for her.

 

Since the diagnoses, she has changed. She is always angry now. Most of her anger is directed at my daughter.

 

Last night, me, my BF, and my kids went to the fair in town. My Xsil was there as well. She was working there selling T-shirts in her trialer.

 

My kids are old enough to do what they want, as long as they check in with either her or me.

 

She asked to stay at my house over night. I said, yes. She then offered to take the kids home. She would be leaving earlier than me. My Bf and I would come home later.

 

So, anyways, my son was hanging out in her trailer most of the evening. Which was fine. My daughter decided to go to the teen dance from 9:00 - Midnight with her friends. She's 14. My BF and I decided to go to the bar and listen to the band.

 

Around 11:45, a random friend of mine spotted me in the bar and waved at me to come outside. My daughter sent her in to find me. Which was fine with me. My daughter then asks me if she can catch a ride home with her girlfriend instead of my xsil. I told her, "absolutely NOT." My daughter didn't seem upset about my decision. She just wanted to ask.

 

Next thing I see, my xsil comes running up to her and pushes her against the wall, grabs her wrists to the point of hurting her, with her finger in her face, and states, "I've had just about enough of you! How dare you disrespect me like that! You are always trying to get your way, and I am sick of it. You are coming home with me right now!"

 

OK...after that, I didn't care WHAT her issue was with my daughter, you DO NOT talk to her that way. uh. uh. Plus, there was no reason a scene needed to be made. Why embarass a kid like that?? My daughter was scared and she wanted her to 'let her go'!

 

My xsil then proceeded to spew out some of my daughter's personal dirty laundry. "You dress like a slut!" (She was NOT dressed like a slut. She just has a really cute little body, and everything she wears looks really good on her.)

 

I told her that the line has now been crossed. She needs to back off and *I* will take her home. She is MY responsibility, I am her mother...END OF STORY. She needed to CALM DOWN and leave.

 

She had this crazy ass look in her eyes, and there was no reasoning with her.

 

Next thing, I know, she takes my daughter's wrist and forces her to go over and talk to the cop standing there, watching the whole freaking scene.

 

The cop told her who is this child's mother? Let her handle it.

 

But, she didn't back off. THEN, they head back over to where I was standing. HELLO!!! I am her freakin' mother...back the hell off!!!

 

By then, we had the bouncer from the bar, a random dude and another woman...trying to get my xsil to LEAVE my daughter alone. They kept asking me if she was drunk. No, she wasn't.

 

My xsil kept yelling at my daughter over and over again about how she needs to respect her, but is she respecting my daughter?!

 

After, she *finally* left us alone. I hugged my daughter and told her to not worry, and to go back to the dance. Try to salvage what was left of the the 10 minutes she had left. It would then be over and we would go home. My daughter was very upset and shaking.

 

Soooo....anyways, I went over to get my purse from her trailer and she was ready to leave. She told me, "You will be hearing from me, this is NOT over." I then told her that I think she is losing her mind. I told her that I have friends here and so does my daughter. How dare she cause a scene like this. She then said that she didn't care about any of that, but that my daughter needs to learn to be repsectful of her. I then said, "Quite honestly, I can understand why she doesn't."

 

Today, when I was at the grocery store, I found a letter in my purse that she put in there last night. It states: Thanks for letting your daughter get her way. [My daughter] see what you did now for trying to get your way. Call me when you grow up!! You are selfish. Love ya.

 

All day today, I have been playing the scene over and over in my head. Thinking I should have pressed assault charges. This isn't the first time she has yelled at my daughter. The other time, was in Mcdonald's. I guess my daughter ordered the wrong item on the menu. seriously. She was marched into the bathroom and yelled at to the point of tears...something about chicken nuggets. So, I heard.

 

I dismissed that incident, but I am not dismissing this one.

 

The bottom damn line is is that I AM HER MOTHER! End of damn story.

 

My question is this. Can grief cause a person to change into this horrible, angry person? How would any of you handle this situation from this point on?

[Pyro]

Sounds like an anger problem.

 

I would definitely not let your xsil go anywhere near your family anytime soon. She owes you one major apology.

 

Don't contact her, let her contact you. If it does get to the point of where she apologizes and she wants to see your family again, I would let her, but be sure to be there at the same time. Make her earn your trust again, but also make sure that she apologizes to your daughter and make sure that your daughter would want to see her again. I am sorry for her loss as well, but what she is doing and the way she is acting is not helping.

 

Hope that I have been a help.

[a4a]

Would you allow a stranger to treat your child like this?

 

Of course not, so why allow a family member to do so.

 

This woman has serious issues and she is a danger to your daughters well being. Unless this woman goes through intense therapy and the therapist deems her safe I would not allow any child near this woman ever.

 

She is teaching your daughter to accept being abused.

[superconductor]

I would definitely not let your xsil go anywhere near your family anytime soon. She owes you one major apology.

I concur 100%. Clearly your xsil isn't thinking clearly with all the stress she's currently under.

 

But don't expect an apology. She's not rational.

[luvtoto]

Thanks everyone for your reply. I was having trouble sleeping last night and thought I'd better get it out.

 

She was so angry and so irrational that I thought I did something wrong. Was my child really that bad? No. If anything, my daughter just doesn't respect her. Can you blame her??

 

As far as her anger problems, she had that same look in her eye that her brother had when he was abusing me. It was all too familiar.

 

My daughter doesn't want anything to do with her. She stood up to her that night telling her to let go of me! I told my daughter that if she does start talking to her again, apology or not, that she will be condoning her actions. But it is sad because that was her last relative.

 

No, you don't treat people that way...family or not. If a stranger would have approached her that way, I would have had the cops charging her with assault.

 

I doubt if my daughter or I will ever get an apology from her. There was no reasoning with her or talking to her...AT ALL.

[alphamale]

um, yea...this situation is a bit bizarre, LUVTOTO...

[luvtoto]

um, yea...this situation is a bit bizarre, LUVTOTO...

What's bizarre about the whole thing is that she actually believes she's teaching my daughter to 'grow up' as she put it.

 

Like I told her...she's losing her mind.

[Outcast]

She is under EXTREME stress because her son is dying. It sounds like she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Treat this as a medical emergency and insist she get help. Enlist her husband or other family members. She's in trouble and needs you and others to get help for her stat.

[alphamale]

She is under EXTREME stress because her son is dying. It sounds like she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Treat this as a medical emergency and insist she get help. Enlist her husband or other family members. She's in trouble and needs you and others to get help for her stat.

ok Ms. OUTCAST M.D., thanx for diagnosis. Oh i forget we cannot giv e out medical advice

[blind_otter]

If it were me I would talk to her privately and ask her how she's handling her son's longterm illness and passing. She may be really stressed and upset right now and, without a proper outlet for venting and grieving, it's hurting her. People can and do do crazy things when they are very grief striken. In the book "On Death and Dying" there are numerous case studies of family members or partners who were unable to cope with the slow death of a family member and did a garden variety of self harming behaviors to express this.

 

One woman just stopped talking and cut herself off from the rest of the world while her mother was dying. Another old man went into rages at hospital staff while his wife was dying. The important thing is to open a dialogue of communication so that, at the very least, the grieving person can get a clear idea of how their behavior is harming THEM.

[whichwayisup]

As helpful as she once was, NOW you need to set up boundries and make sure she doesn't cross the lines. She DID cross the lines BIG TIME! I'm so angry for you and your daughter!

 

Distance yourself from her, but let her know why too. Suggest that she get some help because she's losing her temper too much and it's unacceptable behaviour! Her venting, shoving and saying hurtful things to your daughter was just so wrong! *Make sure you tell your daughter NONE of this is her fault and not listen to her Aunt! Say it as many times as she needs to hear it.*

 

The stress of losing a child has caught up to her obviously, and you're right. The anger inside is being directed at your daughter...So, until your SIL can control herself, it's best that she not be "involved" so much in your lives.

 

Definately talk to the rest of the family so your SIL can get the help she needs.

[Outcast]

ok Ms. OUTCAST M.D., thanx for diagnosis. Oh i forget we cannot giv e out medical advice

 

Saying 'something might be seriously wrong - get her to a doctor' is not a diagnosis

 

If a person undergoes a major personality change, that is considered a medical emergency. It is never normal. This lady was close to the girl but is now behaving like a crazy woman. Likely because she's becoming one. People crack and break under the kind of stress she's having. Her behaviour is a cry for help.

 

Telling her off and 'setting boundaries' etc. won't help. She needs a professional.

[luvtoto]

If a person undergoes a major personality change, that is considered a medical emergency. It is never normal. This lady was close to the girl but is now behaving like a crazy woman. Likely because she's becoming one. People crack and break under the kind of stress she's having. Her behaviour is a cry for help..

I am the x-sister-in-law. I doubt if anyone is going to relate to me on her side of the family. She's always had a temper...just never directed it towards my daughter in such a way before.

[alphamale]

She's always had a temper...just never directed it towards my daughter in such a way before.

well then get the nutcase away from your offspring! you don't have any legal relationship with xsil anyways...

 

yeah and while you're at it, bone up on your swallowing skills

[luvtoto]

well then get the nutcase away from your offspring! you don't have any legal relationship with xsil anyways...

Yea...that's what's going to happen. I talked to my daughter at lunch time today and she wants nothing to do with her anymore. Basically, this whole mess has made my daughter and me much closer. Didn't she realize that was gonna happen? My daughter was really impressed when I took her side in the whole ordeal. Showed my daughter that I am strong, and to not mess with my kids...I don't care who you are!

[Pyro]

Yea...that's what's going to happen. I talked to my daughter at lunch time today and she wants nothing to do with her anymore. Basically, this whole mess has made my daughter and me much closer. Didn't she realize that was gonna happen? My daughter was really impressed when I took her side in the whole ordeal. Showed my daughter that I am strong, and to not mess with my kids...I don't care who you are!

 

Then maybe this incident was meant to happen. Who knows? In the future, your xsil could have done something alot worse to your daughter then just yelling at her.

[luvtoto]

Then maybe this incident was meant to happen. Who knows? In the future, your xsil could have done something alot worse to your daughter then just yelling at her.

Thanks, Riddler. I don't think we are gonna be seeing her again anytime soon. Like Alpha said..no legal ties here.

 

I feel bad, but it's like she's a completely different person now.

 

I just can't imagine treating another person's child like that...especially if they are standing right there telling me to stop!! What the hell?!

[Pyro]

 

I just can't imagine treating another person's child like that...especially if they are standing right there telling me to stop!! What the hell?!

 

Sometimes, one will let their emotions and anger get the best of them, not making excuses for her though. For her sake, I do hope that she comes to her senses someday.

[luvtoto]

For her sake, I do hope that she comes to her senses someday.

 

I don't think that's gonna happen. Her son hasn't passed away yet. There are only a handful of people in the world with the disorder, and the oldest survivor was 18 before he died. It's a slow, slow process of watching your child get worse and worse every day.

 

I can't imagine how she will be after his death, knowing she can't have anymore children.

 

I have always felt this sense of guilt around her. When I got pregnant with my daughter, she got pregnant, too. But, she lost her daughter due to a miscarriage at 6 months. Three months later, I gave birth, and she had nothing. She has had issues ever since then...but not this bad, and not directed at my daughter.

 

I went on to raise my daughter, and she was left to watch me raise her.

 

Her and I have never been too close since then...like it was my fault she lost her child. I've always allowed her to be in my D's life as much as possible to fill her void.

 

But, now after all this...she has lost my daughter as well.

[alphamale]

I have always felt this sense of guilt around her. When I got pregnant with my daughter, she got pregnant, too. But, she lost her daughter due to a miscarriage at 6 months. Three months later, I gave birth, and she had nothing. She has had issues ever since then...but not this bad, and not directed at my daughter.

Right so she finally had a kid who will die prematurely now. She obviously has some jealousy issue along with the anger-mgmt issues. You should terminate your relationship with her pronto. Institute total and unadulterated NC.

[Pyro]

I don't think that's gonna happen. Her son hasn't passed away yet. There are only a handful of people in the world with the disorder, and the oldest survivor was 18 before he died. It's a slow, slow process of watching your child get worse and worse every day.

 

I can't imagine how she will be after his death, knowing she can't have anymore children.

 

I have always felt this sense of guilt around her. When I got pregnant with my daughter, she got pregnant, too. But, she lost her daughter due to a miscarriage at 6 months. Three months later, I gave birth, and she had nothing. She has had issues ever since then...but not this bad, and not directed at my daughter.

 

I went on to raise my daughter, and she was left to watch me raise her.

 

Her and I have never been too close since then...like it was my fault she lost her child. I've always allowed her to be in my D's life as much as possible to fill her void.

 

But, now after all this...she has lost my daughter as well.

 

I am sure that she will realize that she has made a very bad mistake and she will end up paying for it, in fact she has already. She doesn't get to see your daughter, which from what you said, those two were close.

 

Has anyone suggested to her to look into adoption?

[luvtoto]

Right so she finally had a kid who will die prematurely now. She obviously has some jealousy issue along with the anger-mgmt issues. You should terminate your relationship with her pronto. Institute total and unadulterated NC.

Oh, the relationship has been terminated already.

 

I think she tries to hide her jealousy by making me feel like a horrible mother...and my D feel like an disrespectful, slutty, juvenile-delinquent.

 

What she SHOULD be doing is enjoying my D, instead of yelling at her.

 

But, then again, I have never been through that kind of situation before.

 

When she lost her baby, I wasn't even allowed to go to the funeral. My pregnant belly was too much for her to handle.

[luvtoto]

Has anyone suggested to her to look into adoption?

I see what your point, Riddler. I just don't think she's stable enough for that.

[Pyro]

I see what your point, Riddler. I just don't think she's stable enough for that.

 

After that incident the other night, I can agree with that.

[alphamale]

When she lost her baby, I wasn't even allowed to go to the funeral. My pregnant belly was too much for her to handle.

That is total bull-oney man! Right there it shows she is one messed up ****