I am their mother. Back off!

[lindya]

How would any of you handle this situation from this point on?

 

I'd send her a letter saying something along the lines of

 

"Regarding the incident of (date)...had it not been for the family connection, I would have pressed charges for assault. Under all the circumstances, you are to stay away from me and my family until you have taken proven steps (eg some form of counselling) to address and manage your anger effectively. Should you choose to ignore this request, I will instruct an attorney to pursue a restraining order against you.

 

I appreciate that you have difficulties to contend with in your life, and I regret the breakdown of our friendship. My children are, however, my number one priority and I will not permit either of them to be exposed to abuse by you or anyone else."

[alphamale]

I'd send her a letter saying something along the lines of

Naah....just going into total NC is better. I'm sure the xsil will know why.

[lindya]

Naah....just going into total NC is better. I'm sure the xsil will know why.

 

I hear what you're saying, but we live in strange times, where backs have to be constantly covered.

 

Consider the xsil's messed up behaviour...combined with the controlling attitude that suggests she sees herself as taking over some kind of maternal role in the children's lives. That's exactly the kind of scenario that, once hostilities emerge, often results in trumped up allegations to social services. "My sister in law doesn't take proper care of her kids. She lets her 14 year old daughter dress like a slut and hang around with boys into the early hours of the morning. There's no discipline..."

 

I can just hear it now.

 

That's why I think it might be an idea for Luvtoto to take some pre-emptive action. Evidence of a letter like that being sent would also show (should evidence ever be required) that she is the kind of person who will take appropriate steps to protect her children from another person's abusive behaviour.

[a4a]

I hear what you're saying, but we live in strange times, where backs have to be constantly covered.

 

Consider the xsil's messed up behaviour...combined with the controlling attitude that suggests she sees herself as taking over some kind of maternal role in the children's lives. That's exactly the kind of scenario that, once hostilities emerge, often results in trumped up allegations to social services. "My sister in law doesn't take proper care of her kids. She lets her 14 year old daughter dress like a slut and hang around with boys into the early hours of the morning. There's no discipline..."

 

I can just hear it now.

 

That's why I think it might be an idea for Luvtoto to take some pre-emptive action. Evidence of a letter like that being sent would also show (should evidence ever be required) that she is the kind of person who will take appropriate steps to protect her children from another person's abusive behaviour.

 

 

I think that would light the nuts fires I would go NC and stay that way.

 

And Luv you know you are not put on earth to save every soul. It is not up to you to solve this SILs problems...... don't feel guilty.

[lindya]

I think that would light the nuts fires I would go NC and stay that way.

 

She has a duty to protect her child against abusive behaviour by the xsil...and that could involve doing something a bit more proactive than simply going NC. I think the best thing for her to do would be to contact a specialist hotline for some advice about this.

[a4a]

She has a duty to protect her child against abusive behaviour by the xsil...and that could involve doing something a bit more proactive than simply going NC. I think the best thing for her to do would be to contact a specialist hotline for some advice about this.

 

 

I would agree to that if the SIL started to stalk her family..... I would also then move towards a restraining order.

 

but poking a nut with a stick just gets their attention, ya know what I mean?

[lindya]

I would agree to that if the SIL started to stalk her family..... I would also then move towards a restraining order.

 

but poking a nut with a stick just gets their attention, ya know what I mean?

 

I know, but sometimes it staves off longer term hassles. What really waved the "potential hoax calls to the authorities" flag at me was this

 

she takes my daughter's wrist and forces her to go over and talk to the cop standing there

 

I suppose I'm just imagining worst case scenario - eg that the xsil will make some spurious allegation to social services out of spite (I can't emphasise enough how common it is for people to do this). Luvtoto would no doubt want to tell any investigating officer about the incident that happened the other night - and the first thing they would say would be

 

"What action did you take when she abused your child in this way?"

 

Showing them a copy of a brief, clear and polite letter "back off" letter that she'd sent to the xsil would be a quick and easy response. I take your point about poking a stick in the nuts, though.

[Outcast]

Honestly, none of this will help. The woman is not doing this rationally so all these rational suggestions won't fix the problem. She needs to go get help for her issues. And being hostile to her will likely make her worse more than anything else.

[blind_otter]

I think you should use this as an opportunity to open a dialogue regarding the terminal illness of her son. IME when you extend compassion to people it makes the fire of anger cool down. Most of the time angry people just need you to hold up a mirror to them, gently.

[luvtoto]

"What action did you take when she abused your child in this way?"

 

Showing them a copy of a brief, clear and polite letter "back off" letter that she'd sent to the xsil would be a quick and easy response. I take your point about poking a stick in the nuts, though.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

The letter was very good Lindya. If I do decide to send one, I'll use that one.

 

She has been known to be spiteful in the past. She's the type to turn her own brother into the cops.

[luvtoto]

I think you should use this as an opportunity to open a dialogue regarding the terminal illness of her son. IME when you extend compassion to people it makes the fire of anger cool down. Most of the time angry people just need you to hold up a mirror to them, gently.

We've never had one-on-one talks before. Even when she calls the house, I'll let my daughter answer it. If we needed to talk to her, I'll let my daughter call her. It was *their* relationship.

 

My xsil and I are not close. I mean, we got along, just never really trusted each other enough to be close. Hence, the "X" part. But, of course I allowed her to be in my children's lives.

 

Now, I don't think she's gonna want to hear how I think she's a loon. (eventhough she is)

[lindya]

She has been known to be spiteful in the past. She's the type to turn her own brother into the cops.

 

 

All the more reason to cover your back.

 

Over here (UK) we have a helpline run by an organisation called the NSPCC. Its aim is mainly to provide support and help to children who are being abused, but they also provide guidance to parents/adults who are concerned that children they know are vulnerable to abuse. The staff are well versed in the legalities and procedures relating to child protection, and can give practical advice as well as emotional assistance.

 

Hopefully there are similar helplines you can contact in the US. I think when you have this situation where a very damaged person has become involved in trying to "parent" your children, it's wise to get a strategic response in place. These things can turn nasty very quickly.

 

Unfortunate as your xsil's circumstances are, protecting your kids from her abusive behaviour has to be your priority - as you have already demonstrated in your posts. Talking things over in detail with someone on a helpline might give you a better idea as to where you want to go from here.

[Guest]

Kudos to you, for doing being a single mom and raising a teenager. I think your sister in law is pissed about her kid dying and your is okay and she is taking it out on your daughter. I really hope you keep your daughter away from your sister in law, she is definitely angry at the world right now and your daughter shoundn't be treating like that by anyone.'

I wish I lived near, I could help you out..

Wishing you best of luck...and praying for you