Those with low/no libido - would like to hear your reply

[marriedwithtwo]

OK, I've been doing quite a bit of reading on this site and it seems so many people have low libido and are not interested in their spouse sexually. The funny thing is, I read that when one spouse leaves (or they breakup, whatever), and the person with the low libido finds someone new, they suddenly find their sex drive again.

 

So it seems to me there is much more going on than just low testosterone or libido, rather it seems much of it has to do with the spouse they are with. They may love their spouse, but what I'm looking for is the reasons in a normal loving marriage why one spouse is not sexually interested (so much) in the other? Excluding abuse or drug related issues, I’m looking more for the emotional aspect of sex drive. Some thought I had were:

 

1) No longer attracted to your spouse for whatever reason

 

2) Bored with sex. Same thing, same way, all the time. Even though you are the one not wanting it, not wanting to spice things up.

 

3) Too busy or tired because of the lifestyle you have (kids, job, etc

 

I’d love to hear from those who have struggled with low libido as to the reasons why. I’m worried my wife just does not find me attractive anymore despite she tells me that she is. Her body language just doesn’t say “I need to have you” (sexually). I don’t quite understand how if you find someone attractive that you would not be climbing all over them when you get the chance.

[Walk]

A.) Not getting any physical affection unless it led directly to sex. Or he would attempt to push it to lead to sex a majority of the time.

 

These two below kind of fed off each other:

B.) Not knowing what I would be turned on by.

B.) Partners lack of wanting to do what would turn me on.

 

Basically, when he asked, I didn't know... but instead of a real drive on his part to keep assuring me that it was his one true desire to find out... he pretty much just said.. "Oh" and then we went right ahead with what turned him on.

 

C.) Untreated depression (possibly from repressed anger at spouse?)

D.) Perceived unfairness in splitting up domestic chores/duties.

E.) Too much time together.

F.) Birth control (god I hated what that stuff did to my body)

G.) Discomfort in own body. (ie: I wasn't feeling sexy or even attractive. Sometimes due to SO's treatment, sometimes due to own perception of self.)

H.) You already listed boredom. Bored with the same old routine of every single day of the same exact thing.

I.) Irritated by SO's needs perceived to be higher priority than mine.

 

This list is only my perception of the situation. Meaning, HE probably didn't feel some of these would've been true and he could've sited examples and reasons for why I shouldn't have felt that way. I think a lot of people (men and women) tend to discard a spouses concerns/complaints because they perceive them differently then their SO does. (take sex for instance.. majority of women honestly do not understand why men are so focused on it. So instead of putting forth extra effort to resolve the situation, it's kind of discarded as not really a valid complaint)

 

Or for instance, he feels he's doing half the house work. He did the dishes and took out the trash and a few other odds and ends. laundry, whatever... What this woman see's is... he hasn't touched the toilet in 27 years and hasn't EVER cleaned the shower. And she feels she's done 90% of the housework for years without much appreciation for it. And she feels resentful over it. She brings it up to the hubby, he feels he does half the work, so he sets aside her complaint and instead feels she doesn't appreciate what he does to help.

 

Anyway, it's all based on the perception of the person. Not necessarily on the facts of the situation.

[Walk]

P.S. The "no longer attracted to spouse" has never been on my list of reasons why I didn't feel sexual desire. And I don't really hear of many women who have this complaint unless the guy really does something extreme. Lke gains 200lbs, or only showers once a month..

[quankanne]

what I'm looking for is the reasons in a normal loving marriage why one spouse is not sexually interested (so much) in the other?

 

chronic illness or pain, which may or may not manifest itself in depression, really takes a hit on a person's sex drive. It's not that you love the person any less, but you mentally and physically are not up to the sex act. However, that doesn't mean the physical loving doesn't have to stop – you'd be amazed at what a difference loving gestures (like hugging, kissing, and yeah, even groping) can make when a relationship is sexless.

[marriedwithtwo]

A.) Not getting any physical affection unless it led directly to sex. Or he would attempt to push it to lead to sex a majority of the time.

 

When a starving man has food in front of him, you do not expect him to "nibble" or say "that looks like a nice meal, but I will wait for a day or 2". No, he will gorge as much and as quickly as possible. Only once he has had his fill, will he become to appreciate the food and slow down.

 

I read theat somewhere and it rang very true. I have no doubt you ar right that I need to provide excessive affection with no expectation of sex, but man is it tough.

[Marquis-de-Carabas]

I know this is not what you want to hear, but if every time you touch your wife you expect sex, she's going to feel like you're treating her like a prostitute. She needs to understand that you cherish her for more than sex.

 

I know when I've gone through the low libido thing, most of it was because of depression/anger/boredom. Depressed because I felt like a piece of meat: only there to serve the physical needs of my husband without him even trying to understand what I wanted. Anger at the fact that it was not worth his time and effort to even try. Anger at being constantly on the giving end and not ever being on the reception end. Boredom at having the same type of sex after time after time. There was a feeling after a while like 'sex' was just another box I had to check off of my weekly 'to do' list.

 

There were outside influences to my depression: A horrible job being the primary one. I felt like not one person in this world even cared what I wanted. That included my husband. I gave, and gave, and gave and got nothing in return. Then I got fired and I got more and more depressed. I looked at it as a sign to get really really honest with myself and my husband. I told him that I wanted more out of our sexual relationship.

 

To be frank: The whole oral sex situation was making me more and more angry. I was giving at least 2-3 times a month, but in the last year I received............twice. I was not going to put up with the, "But you don't seem to like it." excuse any more. It wasn't that I didn't like it, but that it took too long in his opinion. Now if I can get him to just instigate sex more often instead of it being me asking..........

 

We touch each other non-sexually all the time. Hugs, back scratches, and things like that. That is something we've always done. If you started this now in your relationship, be aware that your wife will give you that 'not now' look for quite a while. You'll have to remind her that every touch will not be you looking for sex, but just a way to connect. I know that this will be a difficult thing for you to do, but keep at it. Your wife needs to know that you cherish her for more than just sex.

[bertie]

This not quite your quote, but read this in the hope of seeing it from a man's perspective

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, but if every time you touch your wife you expect sex, she's going to feel like you're treating her like a prostitute. She needs to understand that you cherish her for more than sex.

 

True, but as a man I find it really hard not to. So I find myself getting turned on despite my best efforts not to. What happens then is I get annoyed that I have to shut down what I'm feeling. Why are we programmed that way: the woman is hot (as the Creator intended)+I get turned on (as the Creator intended)= .............(SOMETHING the Creator intended) ?????

 

I know when I've gone through the normal libido thing, most of it caused depression/anger/boredom. Depressed because I felt used: only there to serve the financial needs of my wife without her even trying to understand what I wanted. Anger at the fact that it was not worth her time and effort to even try. Anger at being constantly on the giving end and not ever being on the receiving end. Boredom at having the same type of sex time after time after time. There was a feeling after a while like 'sex' was just another box she had to check off of her weekly 'to do' list.

 

To be frank: The whole oral sex situation was making me more and more angry. I was giving at least 2-3 times a month, but in the last 16 years I received............nothing. I love her so I put up with it. She says "But you seem to like it, I don't - so you're enjoying yourself when you do it for me" . It isn't that I like it, I just love what it does for her!. Now if I can get her to just instigate sex more often instead of it being me begging..........

 

We don't touch each other non-sexually because I stopped touching - I'm scared of getting turned on and then rejected! I really am! So now she doesn't touch because I don't.

 

I know that this will be a difficult thing for you to understand a man needs to know that you cherish him for more than just money and jobs around the house.

 

 

Hope you get what I'm trying to say here -try reading "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michelle Davis - fantastic book that gives greater understanding to both sides of this eternal argument. Good luck, Perservere, it's worth it in the end!

[Ladyjane14]

... I read that when one spouse leaves (or they breakup, whatever), and the person with the low libido finds someone new, they suddenly find their sex drive again.

 

That response is probably due to the physiological effects of Infatuation. Give it a couple of years for 'the new car smell' to wear off, and it's likely to go right back to the status quo.

[marriedwithtwo]

I know this is not what you want to hear, but if every time you touch your wife you expect sex, she's going to feel like you're treating her like a prostitute. She needs to understand that you cherish her for more than sex.

 

I know when I've gone through the low libido thing, most of it was because of depression/anger/boredom. Depressed because I felt like a piece of meat: only there to serve the physical needs of my husband without him even trying to understand what I wanted. Anger at the fact that it was not worth his time and effort to even try. Anger at being constantly on the giving end and not ever being on the reception end. Boredom at having the same type of sex after time after time. There was a feeling after a while like 'sex' was just another box I had to check off of my weekly 'to do' list.

 

There were outside influences to my depression: A horrible job being the primary one. I felt like not one person in this world even cared what I wanted. That included my husband. I gave, and gave, and gave and got nothing in return. Then I got fired and I got more and more depressed. I looked at it as a sign to get really really honest with myself and my husband. I told him that I wanted more out of our sexual relationship.

 

To be frank: The whole oral sex situation was making me more and more angry. I was giving at least 2-3 times a month, but in the last year I received............twice. I was not going to put up with the, "But you don't seem to like it." excuse any more. It wasn't that I didn't like it, but that it took too long in his opinion. Now if I can get him to just instigate sex more often instead of it being me asking..........

 

We touch each other non-sexually all the time. Hugs, back scratches, and things like that. That is something we've always done. If you started this now in your relationship, be aware that your wife will give you that 'not now' look for quite a while. You'll have to remind her that every touch will not be you looking for sex, but just a way to connect. I know that this will be a difficult thing for you to do, but keep at it. Your wife needs to know that you cherish her for more than just sex.

 

I appreciate the time you've taken to respond. I have a few follow ups:

 

I have talked to her and asked her (in nice, comfortable, open converstions) about how happy she is. Is there more I can do. Do I need to do more around the house, are you happy with how much I share in the kids, are you sexually satisfied, is there more you want? HER answer is that mostly things are good, sex is good enough for her, I help with the kids and around the house. I want nothing more than to make her happy. If she wanted more oral sex (she doesn't really care, I do it for me), or 30 minutes of caressing, or a body rub, or any of that, I would totally be willing to do that. But she just doesn't have the interst. A book, sleep, or TV interests her much more (that hurts).

 

I DO know part of it is that she doesn't like her body, and we have 2 young kids. I am trying to be understanding and patient. I have made a serious effort lately to appreciate her, tell her I love her, brought her flowers twice (she likes that), and showed her non sexual affection. But I feel like we are emotionally disconnected DUE TO the lack of sex and she just doesn't see that.

 

I DON'T want her to feel obligated or sex as a task. I want her to enjoy it.

 

I don't know. I'm just lost and frustrated. I don't want to make it worse by talking about it again with her. Right now I am in patience mode. I don't express frustration and am understanding, and we'll see what happens. If in about 7 months, nothing changes, I will have to talk to her that I feel this is a serious concern for me in our marriage and we have to discuss it. It seems like MY problem though since nothing is wrong for her.

 

Thanks for listening.

[littlekitty]

I know this is not what you want to hear, but if every time you touch your wife you expect sex, she's going to feel like you're treating her like a prostitute. She needs to understand that you cherish her for more than sex.

 

This same thing has accounted for a lack of libido on my behalf before. It becomes a vicious circle, he wants it and pressurizes me more, I feel pressured and only wanted for sex and recoil further.

 

Women 'NEED and MUST HAVE' non sexual physical affection regularly in order to feel connected enough to want sex.

[marriedwithtwo]

This same thing has accounted for a lack of libido on my behalf before. It becomes a vicious circle, he wants it and pressurizes me more, I feel pressured and only wanted for sex and recoil further.

 

Women 'NEED and MUST HAVE' non sexual physical affection regularly in order to feel connected enough to want sex.

 

The thing is: how long do I have to not pressure for sex until this cyle is broken? I tried not asking for anything or pressuring at all for about 3 weeks. She had no interest during this time, and frankly didn't even notice it. After the 3 weeks I was resentful as hell, and finally told her how I was feeling, and she didn't even recognize that I was not going for it. Long talk ensued, things are still not resolved.

 

All that's going to happen if I stop trying for sex is that the less sex will become status quo, and I will have cut off my nose to spite my face. At least now I try, and get some sex. She's even told me that if I don't try, and wait for her to be interested, we would be doing it only maybe once a month or so. That would not be an acceptable solution for me.

[littlekitty]

The thing is: how long do I have to not pressure for sex until this cyle is broken. I tried not asking for anything or pressuring at all for about 3 weeks. She had no interest during this time, and frankly didn't even notice it. After the 3 weeks I was resentful as hell, and finally told her how I was feeling, and she didn't even recognize that I was not going for it. Long talk ensued, things are still not resolved.

 

All that's going to happen if I stop trying for sex is that the less sex will become status quo, and I will have cut off my nose to spite my face. At least now I try and get some sex. She's even told me that if I don't try, and wait for her to be interested, we would be doing it only maybe once a month or so. That would not be an acceptable solution for me.

 

I guess the trouble is, that your situation is far more deeply entrenched than mine was. Yours has (I think I remember) been going on for some years, rather than a couple of weeks/months.

 

To my mind, 3 weeks should have been plenty for her to start to feel that the gentle cuddles, kisses and touches weren't a warm-up for sex and were genuine emotional gestures to try and reach out to her. But then I'm not her, and I can't answer for her.

 

To my mind, there seems something else at a basic level that is wrong. No matter what route you take, no matter what talks you have, no matter what she says about finding you attractive, there is no (or little) sex. For her to say clearly that she would only want sex once a month means either that she is not being honest about her attraction to you, or she has a problem with her sex drive. Something is not right... but I, like you, am unable to put my finger on it.

 

I guess that's not helpful is it?

 

There are a million reasons why I sometimes don't feel like sex, most of them already listed. But I haven't found myself in a situation where I would only want sex once a month, unless I'm simply not attracted to the person in question... and that includes emotionally attracted/connected. When I suffered low libido, it was for the reason above, fairly short lived, and fairly easily remedied by explaining what I needed from my partner in order to resolve it. He listened and took action.

 

I find my partner hugely attractive, but that still doesn't mean I continuously want to jump his bones! There are days when I just don't feel like it, but I'm sure you understand that?

 

Has your wife seen someone about her lack of sex drive, or is she happy with it?

[marriedwithtwo]

To my mind, there seems something else at a basic level that is wrong.

 

Has your wife seen someone about her lack of sex drive, or is she happy with it?

 

I hope there is nothing "deeper" wrong, but I constantly wonder. She insists there is not and maybe that's the prob that I keep trying to analyze what's wrong (because I think there is) and she insists nothing.

 

She tells me she is happy with the amount of sex, and less would still be fine.

 

I suppose it is possible that nothing is wrong and she just has less drive. That's not a revelation, I just don't want to believe it.

[littlekitty]

I hope there is nothing "deeper" wrong, but I constantly wonder. She insists there is not and maybe that's the prob that I keep trying to analyze what's wrong (because I think there is) and she insists nothing.

 

She tells me she is happy with the amount of sex, and less would still be fine.

 

I suppose it is possible that nothing is wrong and she just has less drive. That's not a revelation, I just don't want to believe it.

 

Unfortunately that might just be the answer. She's happy. She's fine with her sex drive. BUT... it doesn't match yours.

 

Believing that answer I'm sure brings a whole new set of questions you probably don't want to think about asking yourself.

 

It seems she isn't interested in having sex more often, even when you instigate. Which I'm not saying she should. But if it's enjoyable for her, you ought to be able to get her in the mood a little more often that she would instigate it. But that also doesn't seem to happen.

 

So you seem stuck in limbo. Loving your wife, but not being fulfilled.

 

It's one or the other... something deeper, or nothing at all. Either way, if she won't say anything other than she's happy with how things are, it doesn't leave you many options does it?

[onmyownagain]

This might seem strange, but why don't you join a gym, get new clothes and always look nice. Start to wear a new after shave. Look in the mirror and think, yeah what woman could resist me:-)

 

If you start to feel more confident then maybe she will start to fancy you again.

 

I have been in the same position as you but now make love to my wife 3-4 times a week.

 

I tried all the talks and begging for years, it just doesn't work.

 

Try harder. If all else fails, at least other woman will start hitting on you when you are out, and this might make her want you more.:-)

[StayClose]

That response is probably due to the physiological effects of Infatuation. Give it a couple of years for 'the new car smell' to wear off, and it's likely to go right back to the status quo.

 

I'm starting to think that polyandry is the way to go. The expectation that two people are are going to maintain an equal level of sexual interest in each other over decades seems unrealistic. Maybe we should expect to hook up with a new partners every few years if that's the only way to be happy with sex.

 

To borrow a familiar phrase, when we buy a cow, why do we agree to get milk from no other cow for the rest of our lives when there's strong chance the cow will stop producing milk in a couple years?

[stoopid_guy]

To borrow a familiar phrase, when we buy a cow, why do we agree to get milk from no other cow for the rest of our lives when there's strong chance the cow will stop producing milk in a couple years?

:lmao:

 

Never know though, might be hard to find a new cow, figure out how to get the milk from the new cow, and then if the old cow gets pi$$ed, sh can give you a major kick in the head!

[StayClose]

Ask a low libodo spouse this:

 

 

If you really think that sex is unimportant, then surely you wouldn't object to your spouse is doing this unimportant thing with someone else?

[dgiirl]

I suffer from a low libido. Still need to see if what you say about the libido coming back stronger will be true. God I hope so, but I think Ladyjane might be right in that at first, it's infatuation, so the libido is strong then.

 

When my exh and I first started dating, I couldnt get enough. But after moving in together, things went down hill fast. Not only did I move away from my family and friends, move to a brand new city, get a job at a really stressful company, but I had a new husband that I had to satisfy regularly, and I wasnt prepared for that. On top of that, my exh wasnt very affectionate/romantic, so the only time he was affectionate was when he wanted sex. Unknowingly, I became depressed and things just got worse and worse. Each year it got worse and worse. I felt really ashamed of what was going on. I felt tremendous guilt over what was going on. I felt very inadequate. Not very sexual. And my self esteem got worse and worse. I stopped feeling pretty, stopped feeling sexy. And things were just as bad outside of the bedroom. My exh was a very hard person to please, very independant, never relied on me for anything, so I felt completely useless and alone. He never defended me against anyone. He always played devils advocate and was quick to point out where I was wrong. He stopped wanting to do things with me. Anything I wanted to do was considered lowclass to him or lame. We rarely talked about anything in or outside of the bedroom. I had no clue to what he liked or didnt like. So I felt very inadequate in the bedroom, which made me not want sex, and I felt very inadequate outside of the bedroom, which just made me not close to my exh. And the times I did try to break the cycle and either talk to my exh about what was going on, or even take initiative to spice things up, I got turned down, embarrased or reassured everything was fine. And every little negative comment he made to me just added up to me feeling really horrible about myself and withdrawing.

 

It had nothing to do with me not being attracted to my exh. Sex just wasnt on my mind. I had way too many other things running through my head. Was I nice enough? Was I pretty enough? Was I sexy enough? Was the house clean enough? Am I pleasing him? He's not orgasming, I must be doing something wrong. Am I doing this or that right? Am I too fat? I'm not fit. I need to do this and that. Just on and on and on. Endless worries, and since he never talked to me about anything, and yet deep down i knew something was wrong, I was going crazy. I became angry and depressed and started to think I was losing my mind. I was quick to anger, which just made him point out my flaws again, which made me feel alone. Nothing was good enough. Finally, he met someone and left me on valentines day.

 

Funny thing is, now that he's gone, I feel better about myself in a really long time. I feel young and sexy and pretty again. I much much happier and less depressed. I dont feel judged all the time. I feel like I can breath.

 

Having said all this, if you are having this problem with your wife, you both need help NOW. You will just start to take things personally, and then resent your wife. She probably already feels some of the things I did in the beginning. Pressured to have sex, not feeling adequate, and yet doesnt know how to change things, and probably embarassed. I'm sure she loves you. I still love my exh. I've always loved him. My sex drive had nothing to do with my love for him. But I just didnt know how to get help, who to turn to, and the only one i was talking to was my exh who understandably resented me. It's a vicisious cycle of him doing this, so then i reacted this way, then he reacted that way, which made me react this way, etc. You guys need to take a break from the routine and get help from an outside objective person. Someone who wont take sides and will help you both see where you both can improve on things.

[marriedwithtwo]

I will ask her these questions sometime in the next few days under the right circumstances of course). I plan to only listen. The responses should tell me alot.

 

Do you feel like you need to rely on me (do you need me, in the non sexual sense)?

 

Do you feel as if I only give you affection when I want sex?

 

Do you ever not want to give affection because it will only lead to sex?

 

Do you like sex less because of perceived “pressure” to do it?

 

How often do you do it when you’re really not into it?

 

What’s missing from our relationship? Anything??

 

If you could dream ANYTHING, what would you want of me / ask of me to do?