odyne Posted October 9, 1999 Share Posted October 9, 1999 I'm looking for input about ways of dealing with a potentially abusive stepfather. A friend of mine knows this girl whose stepfather "feels her up". This is really upsetting my friend because he doesn't know what to tell her (she is a teenager by the way). He's asked me for advice and I've told him to tell her to take the most obvious steps, telling her mother, telling her stepfather to stop it or physically showing him it's not cool (moving away, moving his hands, etc). Apparently though she won't do any of these things. She's too shy to tell an adult and since she is not my direct friend I can't really convince her. I was wondering if anyone else has any ideas or input or has been through this before and can give her some kind of courage. It's a sensitive issue because my friend doesn't want to make her not trust him because he told others (me) but I really do believe she needs some help with this. Any feedback would be great. Thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
odyne Posted October 12, 1999 Share Posted October 12, 1999 Oh well. I was looking for some intellegent input on this situation, but I realize now that people are more interested in daily love problems. It's sad that out of all the people who post here nobody cares enough or will take the time to care about a teenage girl with real problems. For those of you who have a relationship that is not working out, not to belittle your pain, but just be glad you don't have to deal with the physical and emotional pain of having someone who beats you or rapes you. For those of you who do, I'm very sorry and there IS help for you out there, even if you can't find it at Lovetalk. It's sad that there's not enough general knowledge out there to help people who are being seriously hurt. For those of you who do need help and can't find it here, email me. For those of you who can't or won't care enough about other people to truly help them, wake up. Abuse is not a problem that is going to fade away, it's real to people every single second of every day, even if you yourself haven't experienced it. Thanks but no thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Missone Posted October 12, 1999 Share Posted October 12, 1999 Oh well. I was looking for some intellegent input on this situation, but I realize now that people are more interested in daily love problems. It's sad that out of all the people who post here nobody cares enough or will take the time to care about a teenage girl with real problems. For those of you who have a relationship that is not working out, not to belittle your pain, but just be glad you don't have to deal with the physical and emotional pain of having someone who beats you or rapes you. For those of you who do, I'm very sorry and there IS help for you out there, even if you can't find it at Lovetalk. It's sad that there's not enough general knowledge out there to help people who are being seriously hurt. For those of you who do need help and can't find it here, email me. For those of you who can't or won't care enough about other people to truly help them, wake up. Abuse is not a problem that is going to fade away, it's real to people every single second of every day, even if you yourself haven't experienced it. Thanks but no thanks. wELL , I am truely sorry that this is happening to her...Really...I will pray and hope that she gets the help she needs to get through this. However, this is a subject that would probably be best handeled by a professional...I dont think that people who dont respond dont care but they are not in a position to give any advice for something that serious...You mentioned that this is called lovetalk...It is just that...It is for people with love relationship problems...For you to say that we dont care is not fair. But for us to tell her something that could permanently add to her already painful situation is not good either....Sorry but its the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Jess Posted October 12, 1999 Share Posted October 12, 1999 I believe, truly believe that this friend of hers needs to take her, or if she won't go, to an authoritarian figure. Someone out of the situation who can give him and her good advice or direct her and/or the friend in the right direction. He needs to do this immediately before there is irreversable damage to everyone involved. Please make sure you emphasize that something needs to be done soon before this is taken any farther. I do pray for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Totally Confused Posted October 12, 1999 Share Posted October 12, 1999 First of all, go back and read the title of your first letter. It's titled "Advice to give to someone who is dealing with an abuser." That title looks to me like you are giving advice to people who are in abusive relationships. I am not in an abusive relationship, thank God, and found it unecessary to read your posting. I'm sure most of the people who read the title of your first posting and thought the same thing I did. It wasn't until you posted your second letter titled "doesn't anyone care" or whatever it was, that I finally realized you were looking for advice and not giving it. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that it is extremely unfair for you to judge and belittle anyone else's, as you put it "daily love problems", which are very important to the person who is going through them. It's there growing and learning process and it may be a small one, but maybe they don't know anyone who is being abused, so they have nothing to compare it to and to them, all they know is they're hurting and it feels like there world is crashing down. Maybe your friends abuse problem is minute to somebody else, who's going through a bigger situation. So please don't automatically assume or draw conclusions about people that may be invalid. With snappy decisions like that, you're going to miss out on a lot. I myself have answered practically every letter, love related or not, and I don't have any love related problems. Next time make sure you have your facts straight and make sure the fault wasn't yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Totally Confused Posted October 12, 1999 Share Posted October 12, 1999 The reason the girl won't go to anyone for help, is because she's embarrassed by the whole thing. She feels dirty, she feels to blame, she feels like she did something to cause it. If she knew it wasn't her fault and he was to blame for the whole thing, she'd be angry and she would be on that phone calling for help right now. It's like when a person who overeats or starves themselves when they are going through a bad situation that they can't control, like a break-up. It's like a form of displacement, they put their uncontroled feelings on to something that they can control within themselves, such as diet. so they'll starve themselves or overeat. He's abusing this girl and she's has absolutely no control, so she's blaming herself, which is what most abused people do. By taking the blame she has convinced herself that she has control over the situation.. An abuser usually has several reasons for why they are taking the blame. They don't want to be the cause of the parents breaking up. She afraid her mother will hate and blame her. She feels dirty and embarrassed. Will people say it's her fault. Then they think, if I ignore it and don't say anything, it might go away and I won't have to make waves. These are the things that are going through her mind. She has to know that its not her and that's what your friend has to convince her, before she'll go anywhere for help. She has to know that it is all the stepfather and it has nothing to do with love or attraction. It's a form of anger and abuse. Mainly she has to know it's not her fault. The fact that she has even told this one person is a start. She's probably kept a lot of it inside for a long time. Maybe you should suggest that her friend get her a book that will help her understand what she's going through. It will help her deal with a lot of things that are going through her head that she couldn't possibly explain to someone who's not in the situation. Reading about it may help you decide to finally go for help. I hope everything works out. Please keep everyone who has responded, updated on the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
odyne Posted October 13, 1999 Share Posted October 13, 1999 Thank you thank you thank you. That's all I was asking for, good advice. I hadn't really thought of having my friend take her to get help. He would too, so I'll suggest it to him. I was really sad about this whole situation and your advice or even the fact that you read my post makes me feel better. Thanks again. I believe, truly believe that this friend of hers needs to take her, or if she won't go, to an authoritarian figure. Someone out of the situation who can give him and her good advice or direct her and/or the friend in the right direction. He needs to do this immediately before there is irreversable damage to everyone involved. Please make sure you emphasize that something needs to be done soon before this is taken any farther. I do pray for her. Link to post Share on other sites
odyne Posted October 13, 1999 Share Posted October 13, 1999 I am very sorry this has happened to her also, and the thousands of other people that are in the same situation. I also agree that this is a situation that is best handled by a professional, but in this case she doesn't feel she can go to one (see other responses). I said that I was looking for input, if I had read someone's suggestion that I thought would be harmful to her, I would pay attention to that and possibly not bring it up. Although it is something that professionals should deal with, it's all of our responsibility to know something about it. It's hateful and it can be random and you never know when you'll be in the same situation, or your best friend, sister, etc etc. I have seen a lot of people post here who have had problems with abuse or are with someone who has. It's very closely related to "love" and I think it's a worthwhile subject. If you go to the main Loveshack page you'll see that the only person they (loveshack hosts)have given an award to was a girl who had a page that dealt with abuse and her feelings about it. Thanks for your view. wELL , I am truely sorry that this is happening to her...Really...I will pray and hope that she gets the help she needs to get through this. However, this is a subject that would probably be best handeled by a professional...I dont think that people who dont respond dont care but they are not in a position to give any advice for something that serious...You mentioned that this is called lovetalk...It is just that...It is for people with love relationship problems...For you to say that we dont care is not fair. But for us to tell her something that could permanently add to her already painful situation is not good either....Sorry but its the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
odyne Posted October 13, 1999 Share Posted October 13, 1999 I am sorry if the title confused you. I should have added a question mark or two to make my point clear. I tend to make a point of looking at posts that deal with abuse because I think that people who are dealing with it need to know that people care about them and will listen. I guess I didn't realize so much that people don't think like me. I may be extra-sensitized to this kind of thing because I live in an aware community and I have tried to help people who have been hurt like this. It's still surprising to me to see that most people don't know much about abuse or what to do to help people. Surprising yet logical considering everything else. I said, right before I asked people to be glad they weren't victims of abuse, "not to belittle your problems" or something of that sort. I do care about everyone's problems, big and small, and if you don't believe me feel free to check back and see my past responses to posts. I think the same thing (having problems belittled) happens to abuse sufferers all the time. "It's your fault" "You provoked it" "You must have done something to cause it". Those kind of things get said all the time. I just wish people were more aware about how to help themselves and others. Because of this whole situation I think I may start a resouce page. I see how you think that the fault was mine, and I respect that but I still think there are major issues people are afraid to or don't want to deal with. I wasn't asking for any intense psychological help, just advice about talking to someone and convincing them that they are not at fault. I am sorry some of you took my post wrong. I'll try to be more clear if I ever post again. Link to post Share on other sites
odyne Posted October 13, 1999 Share Posted October 13, 1999 Thank you for the help. That book idea is good. I just hope we can get her some help before it gets worse. I'll try to keep everyone updated but since she isn't my direct friend it might be hard. Thanks for your concern. Link to post Share on other sites
Totally Confused Posted October 13, 1999 Share Posted October 13, 1999 I think you are a very caring person. Anyone that comes on-line to look for info. to help someone else has a very big heart. I hope my advice and the advice of others have been helpful. Good Luck to your and your friends, and please keep everyone updated on the situtation. Link to post Share on other sites
Ed42 Posted October 13, 1999 Share Posted October 13, 1999 I think you are a very caring person. Anyone that comes on-line to look for info. to help someone else has a very big heart. I hope my advice and the advice of others have been helpful. Good Luck to your and your friends, and please keep everyone updated on the situtation. My friend is engaged to a man that is both abusive emotional and physical. Well I have know her for 4 years the last two years we have become very special best friends. Her last boyfriend was abusive to her and her dog. Now 2 years ago she meet Ken. He found out that I was her best friend and that I would be over her house alot, we would go to dinner, shows, movies, camping..... Well abot 1 month into dating her he moves in with her. She said she didn't know how it happened, she told him no but it happened anyway. Then he starts with her friends he dont like them and wants her not to see them. He forbids her to see or talk to me. Then he tells her she should quit her job. Well she would not stop talking to me and would not quit her job. 3 months into the relationship he told her he wanted to get married now. He is seperated but still married in NYS, he said we should go out of state and get married. She still kept seeing me and working. 3 more months and he gave her a engagement ring, she took it. 3 days later she was calling me at work because she took an OD of pills, and her daughter asked me to help her mom. I took her to the hospitol. she told me about his rages and temper, she said she just wants to die. She asked me to kick him out so I did. 2 Days later he was back saying I am sorry I will change. 1 more month went by and she started drinking until she would pass out- so she would be able to go home. She started using cocain also. Then he moved out on her again she called me to come over and talk. She tried to cut her arms, hang herself, and locked her bedroom door and climbed out the window. I found her, she started to cry make the pain go away. I call 911 and had her bought to a hospital. When she got out he was back and told him that I was the one making her drink and keeping her out all night. For 6 weeks we did not talk until she told me what she did and that it did not seem to change his abuse so she is telling me I am sorry and please forgive me. He went away for 2weeks, I spent every night and weekend with her and her children. I got her a job and I babysat the kids. We talked about how she feels so comfortable around me. We talked about her drinking. 2 weeks later I drove her to the airport to meet him. SHe fainted twice. She also would not stop from hugging and kissing me. About a week later she called and asked me to come over he was out. We talked more about abuse and her having an alchol/coccain problem. She agreed and asked me to help her get into rehab. She went in for 30 days, she gave me tempory custody of her children. She gave me her car/keys. She also gave me her bank accounts and money to pay her rent with. She alowed only me to visit her. She comes home and said matbe it was me causing the problems. Now she was not drinking. He then found a house to buy away from her friends and me. Moved her out and told her he owns the house and your friends are not welcome here. He wont give her a key to the mailbox, He gives her a 20.00 allowence each week. He gets mad at her if she put on makeup when going out. He wants to know where she has been and who called. He monitors the phone calls. About 4 months later she calls me and said PLEASE PICK ME UP, when I got there she was bleeding and had some big red bruses on her arms and legs. She moved in with me only to go back again in a few days. Then one day she came down to where I work walked in and told me she loves me and she has felt this way for a long time. She asked me if I loved her and I said yes. She then starts to kiss and hug me. She goes back to him. Then in two days she moves in with me for two weeks. He calls her and she said its over. I made and appointment for her to see a lawyer about the house and her belonging. I encouraged her to seek counseling at domestic violance. She did.. Then she stayed away until he called and told her he was sorry and that he has made an appointment for couple counseling she went back. She tells me she has not unpacked anything yet, but has not packed any more. She said she is waiting for a while to see if things change. All I can do is support her and be here for her. Nobody can get out until they see the patern and hit bottom. I feel she is afraid of a relationship with me because it is just to relaxing with me. She also said what if I cause us to fight if we get together. She said her kids love me and want thier mom to marry me. She said she is afraid because if things dont work out between us her kids would hate her. So I just keep picking her up and talking to her she is moving in the right direction, it just takes time. I hope for her and her kids sake it is soon. Right now I am her only friend he has made her stop contact with everyone else. Maybe its because I wont give up on her. He is drinking in front of her and it has made her drink again. I dont think couple counseling will help, but I have to let her learn this herself. I feel its the last straw that he can pull to keep her. And if it dont work this time she will be out. She is seeing a counselor of her own that I helped get her. I just keep being thier and not giving up no matter how dicouraged I get. SO give them book on abuse, tell then I feel you are being abused, print out stuff on abuse from the internet. Incourage them to phone 911 next time. Encourage them to seek professional help, Make an escape plan for her incase he gets physical. And just listen to her and point out what see is saying. It all takes time. 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odyne Posted October 13, 1999 Share Posted October 13, 1999 Wow, you are having a rough time of it. I'm really sorry about all of your situation, I think I replied to your post a couple of days ago. I think from what I've heard you deserve an award for sticking with your friend for so long. One thing I forgot to mention before, if she's afraid of the kids hating her if things with you don't work out, talk to them individually.. If you want to be there for them, tell them that. Tell them that you will love them and be there for them no matter what. Try to explain that sometimes things don't work out with 2 people but you'll do your best by them. How old are they? As long as you can keep your "promises" (I'll be there for you, etc) to them, and try to explain why it's not anybody's fault in particular if things don't work out, I think they'll feel better and have a little bit of an easier time. Thank you for the encouragement about my post, I'm going to try to get my friend to talk to this girl tonight. Or have her talk to me. It's such an important issue, it makes me a little more hopeful to find there are people like you out there. Take care, keep us updated, mail if you need anything. -Odyne Link to post Share on other sites
Ed42 Posted October 14, 1999 Share Posted October 14, 1999 The children are 8 and 10 they have seen thier Mom abused in the last 4 relationships. I dont think she know what a real relationship is like. I have two sons ages 13 and 17 both get along very good with her children, they babysit for her and help the kids with homework. I take the time to listen to what they are saying. As for your problem you need to go slow and handle it slowly, you almost want to sort of make it thier idea, dont be negative, and dont be push the issue. Just keep listening and pointing out things. It will take alot of time and effert. Good luck! Wow, you are having a rough time of it. I'm really sorry about all of your situation, I think I replied to your post a couple of days ago. I think from what I've heard you deserve an award for sticking with your friend for so long. One thing I forgot to mention before, if she's afraid of the kids hating her if things with you don't work out, talk to them individually.. If you want to be there for them, tell them that. Tell them that you will love them and be there for them no matter what. Try to explain that sometimes things don't work out with 2 people but you'll do your best by them. How old are they? As long as you can keep your "promises" (I'll be there for you, etc) to them, and try to explain why it's not anybody's fault in particular if things don't work out, I think they'll feel better and have a little bit of an easier time. Thank you for the encouragement about my post, I'm going to try to get my friend to talk to this girl tonight. Or have her talk to me. It's such an important issue, it makes me a little more hopeful to find there are people like you out there. Take care, keep us updated, mail if you need anything. -Odyne Link to post Share on other sites
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