who pays?

[yes]

hello! I'm the girl who's been posting about a guy im dating with whom i used to be friends for 2 yrs. The one whom u told to keep seeing the guy whether or not im with him for new year's.

 

Here's my Qn: when we go out, who shd pay? For the past 2 yrs that we've been dance partners, we both paid our ways, obviously. Now that there's all this hugging n kissing n such, i'm a bit shaky on what to do when we go out alone. I usually just pay, so far. He doesn't object to me paying. But if i dont get out my wallet, he just pays himself w/ no signs of surprise. Sort of leaves it up to me after that - if i give him cash later, he takes it. if not - doesnt seem a problem. I've been sort of waiting for him to say explicitly - it's okay, i got it - now that it's not a 'just friends' story ...

 

I know he's got a tuition and he does have to save up for it, but he works full-time for half the year, and for xmas he got a bonus, and he never showed any inclination of spending any cash on me, even after boasting about the bonus...

 

this was before the bonus deal, and before any kissing took place, but we went to a movie, and when i took out my wallet, i rlly expected a 'dont worry, i got it'... i mean even my guy-friends say it, even tho i object and pay for myself ... nope - he simply paid for himself n happily went on.

 

also, we went out the day he got his bonus, and he let me pay for my drink at the club ... i mean - yeah, i just took out my wallet n went, but he coulda stopped me.

 

what am i to think? and how to act? it's not an issue of spending cash which i have no problem doing, it's about what it means about him when he acts like this. Also, even if i dont date him, i wanna keep dancing with him, most likely...

 

i thought he didnt pay b/c we were still in the shaky friends-date grounds, but now, after hugs n kisses, what friends can it be. how much more time / chances should i give him?

 

I'm not the type to be paid for all the time. If he paid once or twice, i'd prolly insist on paying the next time... When I drive, i insist on taking the parking bill ... he pays for it when he drives ... we used to split the parking, nowadays i ask 'need cash?' and he always says nope... So parking's cool, but paying for me never happens...

 

Sorry for length of this, i tried to give lotta detail... thse friends->date transitions are delicate things eh...

 

Any advice? THANK U!!!

[Lilly]

You're confusing... from memory I remember reading that you don't want to get serious with this guy, just keep things casual, right?.

 

You really need to decide exactly what sort of a relationship you want with this guy. Based on that decision will be your answers on stuff like who pays. I wouldn't get peeved or expect a guy to pay my way (even sometimes) if the understanding between us was that the relationship was just casual. If he wanted to pay, fine, otherwise I'd look after myself.

 

If we were dating as boyfriend/girlfriend, then yeah, I'd expect him to pay my way for the most part or take it in turns.

[justAgirl]

True true.

 

Im not sure what i want, honestly, b/c logically i understand i dont need anything but a casual relnship right now, but i rlly like this guy and want him to rlly like me back, naturally so i'm sensitive to what he does. I guess i'm trying to catch two birds at once - be casual so that i keep my freedom AND have a real rlnship with this guy...

 

Thanks for your response.

You're confusing... from memory I remember reading that you don't want to get serious with this guy, just keep things casual, right?. You really need to decide exactly what sort of a relationship you want with this guy. Based on that decision will be your answers on stuff like who pays. I wouldn't get peeved or expect a guy to pay my way (even sometimes) if the understanding between us was that the relationship was just casual. If he wanted to pay, fine, otherwise I'd look after myself. If we were dating as boyfriend/girlfriend, then yeah, I'd expect him to pay my way for the most part or take it in turns.

[Lilly]

Welcome.

 

Ah, the old logic and heart wanting two different things hey?.

 

It's funny you think that having a 'real' relationship means losing your 'freedom'... I'm not sure what you mean by that. Do you mean freedom as in dating other people or freedom as in you are not free do to as you please with your life?.

 

If it's the first, then yes, being committed to someone means you are no longer 'free' to date others... but you made a choice to be committed to that someone which means you care enough for and about them to not WANT to date others. If it's the latter... if you feel that you will lose the freedom to be you by being committed to someone then you've got it wrong. In a healthy, equal, compatible, 'real' relationship the freedom to be who you are is not compromised, in fact, it's enhanced. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate you definition of a 'real' relationship?.

 

You can't have it both ways hon, you can't catch two birds with one stone in 'real' relationships, either you're with them and them you 100% or your not, anything else is an illusion.

 

As for your original question, the uncertainty your giving out about not being sure what you want with him is what you're getting back from your guy. He doesn't mind if you pay or if you don't pay etc, etc... he doesn't know where he stands I guess, neither do you.

[yes]

It's the first one - the freedom to date others.

 

Also, i think i am afraid of having a "real rlnship" b/c that involves breakin up some day, and i had a very yucky break up of my first (and only, so far) relnship ...

 

On the other hand, i like the guy ...

 

I know some of his shakiness comes from my shakiness on the subject ...

 

Thing is - we're both young, both only 1 rlnship behind us, so it's obvious we're just dating around, not looking for smth permanent. yeah - this is the thing - ive been friends w/ him for a long time, have liked him for a while now, so im afraid the bottom line is im afraid of losing him ...

 

sometimes i think if we keep it casual, we can stay together even while dating around... maybe im just trying to keep him around as much as possible... b/c if we plunge into a real relnship, a break up is almost inevitable, based on the circumstances, no matter how much we like each other.

 

Thanks for your replies ..

Welcome. Ah, the old logic and heart wanting two different things hey?. It's funny you think that having a 'real' relationship means losing your 'freedom'... I'm not sure what you mean by that. Do you mean freedom as in dating other people or freedom as in you are not free do to as you please with your life?.

 

If it's the first, then yes, being committed to someone means you are no longer 'free' to date others... but you made a choice to be committed to that someone which means you care enough for and about them to not WANT to date others. If it's the latter... if you feel that you will lose the freedom to be you by being committed to someone then you've got it wrong. In a healthy, equal, compatible, 'real' relationship the freedom to be who you are is not compromised, in fact, it's enhanced. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate you definition of a 'real' relationship?. You can't have it both ways hon, you can't catch two birds with one stone in 'real' relationships, either you're with them and them you 100% or your not, anything else is an illusion. As for your original question, the uncertainty your giving out about not being sure what you want with him is what you're getting back from your guy. He doesn't mind if you pay or if you don't pay etc, etc... he doesn't know where he stands I guess, neither do you.

[delREY]

Next time you go out to a movie or something just pay for the both of you. Maybe he is not sure of making the first move on paying for the both of you. If you pay first then next time he might pick it up and if not its not a big deal.