What to say to friend/ex-friend with benefits?

[keye]

I've been doing NC with a long-time friend and ex-friend with benefits for about three months now - the only problem is, he hasn't known that I've consciously been doing it. I've just been ditching dates with him, ignoring his calls and making lame excuses for why I can't see him since May. The reason for my wanting NC was because I came to the realisation (after seven years of being on and off!) that I will always have feelings for him in one way or another, he is currently in another relationship (with which he seems to be quite happy) and I shouldn't have to compromise myself or my feelings by being his friend, when deep down, I know I want more.

 

He's been so persistent recently that I finally gave in and agreed to meet up with him on Thursday night 'to catch up'. I know that he's going to expect a real explanation for why I've been ignoring him these last few months, as we went from hanging out a few times a week to not seeing one another for an entire three months!

 

My dilemma now is that I don't know what to tell him. Should I tell him the truth? I feel like it's such a huge bombshell to drop on him almost a year after we stopped our friends with benefits arrangement and he entered another relationship - I've been so good at hiding my feelings that it will seem quite left of centre. I'm such a coward when it comes to these things, and I really don't know if I'll finally be able to be honest with him when I haven't been for so long. I'm getting so freaked out about what I'll have to say to him when I see him that I'm thinking of just cancelling Thursday, but I know that in a way, it's not fair to do that to him (for like, the fiftieth time in three months!).

 

What to do?

[Guest]

I think it depends on if you still want to be friends with this person...

 

If it's all too hard then you might have to cancel and say look I really need a break right now and unfortunately I can't really be your friend.

 

If you still want to be friends though perhaps this will help.

I had an ex that I was doing NC with who didn't really notice cos he was so busy. However when I did see him he said 'Hey have you been avoiding me? I haven't heard from you' to which i said 'Well actually yes.'

 

He was a bit surprised but it gave me the opportunity for me to say 'look i just really needed some space from you and the situation. I haven't wanted to bother you with it.'

 

So just wait for him to ask and be honest. It doesn't matter if its been 12 months since the arrangement stopped. You can say that you hadn't dealt with the feelings you had for him and decided that you needed to and that this was best done via some space away from him.

 

Telling him how you honestly feel is going to make you feel so much better, it will be like a weight lifting off your shoulders.

 

Good luck.

[Rossco]

Tell him you just wanted to give him some space so he could have the chance to pursure a more serious relationship. When my friend thought I was mad at him, I just explained I "thought" I could do the casual sex/friend thing, but realized I'm not that way. I needed more!

[norajane]

Be honest and tell him you needed some space because you'd realized that you couldn't be 'just friends' with him, and that it made you uncomfortable to know he was with someone else. You have nothing to lose by being honest, and he'll respect that a lot more than if you made up some stupid excuse.

[dancehead]

Yes tell him you needed some space so that both of you can move on. He is moving on you need to too, and the best way is for you to leave him to it and then you are free to date away. It was his choice to have another relationship away from you, so really he has no right to be annoyed with you. Say its not a good idea to meet at the moment.