confused-male Posted August 8, 2006 Share Posted August 8, 2006 Hi iam 28 and my girlfriend is 25. I have been in a relationship for over three years with my girlfriend and I love her to bits but I have a problem with myself in that I keep going behind her back to go on gay or bi chat sites not to meet anyone but to chat and arrange a meet but never can go through with it and have done this a few times and have been caught by my girlfriend by emails etc, I dont want to be with a guy physically but in my head I do if you want to say its like a fantasy but I dont want to carry it through. I never had these feelings when I was younger, I have always been attracted to the oppiste sex and never the same sex, the thing is I was raped one time on holiday when I was 15, I got too drunk and ended up on a beach half naked on a sun lounger with a guy raping me I was too drunk to stand or walk so I couldnt fight back and didnt realise till the next day when I woke up, I only remember bits of that night , I have never told anyone other than my girlfriend. From then I have always bottled my feelings up and never been open to anyone, always keep people at arms length if you want to say. Iam slowly opening up with my girlfriend but I still have the feelings that keep resurfacing of going on to the sites not to meet like I said, this is putting a hell of a strain on us as you can imagine. Iam so close to losing her but she has shown me brilliant support in this matter but I need help with this problem. Believe me when I say that i am more than happy in the relationship with my girlfriend but the feelings keep on appearing and I dont know how to stop them this is why Iam on here. How do I deal with these feelings? How can I stop them? Is there a way to stop them resurfacing without bottling up all my feelings? long story short, i joined gaydar, and emailed a guy from there, i didnt want to meet him, i dont know why i keep doing these things and i want to stop before i lose my girlfriend forever. any advice from anyone reading this would be appreciated, i know i need help, my girlfriend sat me down today and told me that if it doesnt stop then she will leave and never come back because i keep hurting her, she just wants me to be honest with her but i dont know how because since what happened to me i have bottled everything up inside, i find it hard to open up. i want to stop hurting her but dont know how, can someone please help before its too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 You have to go talk to a counsellor. A lot of bad stuff happened to you that nobody here can help fix with a few posts. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 I'm guessing your past has a lot to do with what's going on now with you and the chatting and emailing. Counseling is your best bet to get help. I'm sure if you start going to a therapist, your girlfriend will support you. Link to post Share on other sites
mscmkr Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 YOU MUST SEEK COUNSELING RIGHT NOW!!!!! this is something that is very deep seeded. you cannot let this keep going without help. this is not fare to your girlfriend. this is hurting you and her. stop everything that you are doing and make the call to someone immediatly!!! if it hasnt already, this will creep into every part of your life. SEEK HELP AND DO IT NOW!!!!! please. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused-male Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 thankyou all for the replies, is there any other advice you can give apart from seeing a councellor? we are pretty much living on the bread line right now and neither of us could afford to pay for one at this moment in time, i know my problem cant really be solved here, but the reason i came on here was because i have a friend who said it was a fantastic place to come for the best advice so i thought i would give it a try, thankyou all again Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 I don't know where you live, but I know there are places you can go for counseling that is free or low-cost (based on a sliding scale depending on what you can afford). A friend of mine had free counseling in San Francisco, so I know it's out there. You can try looking up rape crisis centers and call one to ask where you might go. Otherwise, maybe it's time to unplug that computer, or have your gf password protect it so you won't be able to log on without her there. It might help when the temptation gets the better of you, but that's obviously not any kind of long term help or solution...you wouldn't be getting to the root of the problem. Another stop-gap might be to write out your fantasies and desires when they hit you, rather than acting on them. Spill everything out on paper, your desires, your feelings, specific things you want to do. Keep a journal...it might be useful when you do eventually get counseling and might serve as a release for all those things you keep bottled up right now. Write about your rape and your feelings then and since and how this has affected you and how you feel about yourself. I'm out of any other ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
britchick Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 I really feel for you. I agree with everyone that you need to get some kind of help, rape does terrible things to people long after the event. I'm sure everyone here would love to help you but is scared of giving unqualified advice. I live in the UK, counselling etc. is free here through your doctor but there are also charities that are available to help. Do you have The Samaritans or rape crisis telephone centres that you can call? The advice given to write your feelings down is excellent and is often used by therapists. There are websites where you can share your feelings with other survivors but try to find a good one. How about self help groups in your area? Reading up on the subject and reading books about counselling can help, therapists don't have a magic wand and just try to lead you down a path to your own answers. Perhaps your girlfriend could help you find out about some of these options it might be good for your relationship if she feels involved in you getting help. I really hope you find someway of getting through this, it can be done. XXX Link to post Share on other sites
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