Hah...I should have done a search for counseling sooner. (2 months sooner)

[Ladyjane14]

During the reconcilliation phase after the crisis in my marriage, I often felt that what I needed to do was at odds with what felt natural to do. Bottom line is that the old way of doing things didn't work. So, I guess even though it feels weird, a new approach is probably the better bet.

 

You can't lose what's already lost. Acknowledging the fact that she's GONE gives you power. Because giving in to the fear of making a mistake can paralyze you and prevent you from doing ANYTHING that's proactive. When you're not proactive... you're not in charge of your life.

[Wolfp]

Sage words and thanks...I was talking to my mother again, she has been a real gem through this entire ordeal (hard to believe I am two months into the rollercoaster that is my life at this point). Anyway, I was explaining to her the way panic can set in at a moments notice, and damn if it doesnt happen at the most inoportune times. I recognize the event now, before it occurs so I have at least a little lead time to get my butt somewhere safe to let out whatever is building. The other was the feeling of hopelessness and sometime near impossibility to complete tasks...you tell yourself, "I can do this", "I have to do this" and nothing, instant lock-up. Another of my faves is the tears...when did I get these things??? Just comes out of the blue, no stopping it, can hit me when I am driving, in a public place, at home, office, just wherever. Oh, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, just right now, it seems like a diesel locomotive bearing down on me with no place to run. Kids have been great through it all as I have tried to explain to them in minute detail what the heck is going on with dad. I get the dont worry pop, we understand and are here to help speech everytime. They shouldnt have to backstop their old man until I am in a wheelchair and drizzling oatmeal down the front of my shirt. ; )

[Gunny376]

here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=95587&page=3

this is from the book "Letting Go ~ A 12 Week Personal Action Program To Overcome A Broken Heart" by Dr. Zev Wandere and Tracy Cabot, Ph.D

 

ISBN 0-440-14730-1

 

I check and its avaliable through Branse and Nobles as a used book for less than $8. If need be PM with a mailing address, and I'll loan you my copy. It just so happens that I'm re-reading my copy again. There's also and "Idiots Guide To Breaking Up" I've read both, and I think the first one is the best.

 

Now that you've found us at LS, maybe we can help take some of the burden off the children ~ who sound like a great set of kids, BTW.

 

When I was going through it sixteen years ago, I started hitting the sauce just to get some sleep, I would go days and days. Thanks to Dr. Gott, (he writes a nationally syndicated medical column) I found out about melatonin. Its a naturually occuring hormone produced by the pituratory gland, but once you get around 40 the PG produces less of it. Its purpose is to regulate your sleep cycle, re-sets your biologicial clock. Airline pilots who fly the red-eye back and forth coast to coast use it to help them sleep, and to re-set their bio-clock.

 

Its non-prescriptive, over the counter, non-addictive. You can get it in 300 micromillograms, 3 mg, and 5 mg. The bottle says take one, ~ but I first tried the 3 mmg, which didn't work, then I tried 2-3 of the 5 mg which was too strong, and now I take 3 of the 3 mg, which seems to be just about right per might height./body mass which is about right for me. It doesn't "knock you" out, nor make you drunk, nor hung over, and you can still get up during the middle of the night if you need be. It just make you sleepy and drowsy, watery-sleepy eyes, yawning. And, it helps to relax your minds so you're not laying there rolling, tossig and turning, and laying there with things going through your mind over and over.

 

The other thing I had to work on, was my moods and attitude, (LOL! Who would have ever guessed? A Marine moody Marine Gunny with an attitude?) Someting that has helped tremensously is something called SAM-e. Again naturaly ocurrs in the body, less so pass the age of 40, non-prescritive ~ over the counter.

 

Available most anywhere, but as always at WalMart in the Vitamin and Herbal Section.

 

I just started the SAM-e about a week ago. 2 X 200 mg a day for seven days, then 200 mg a day. It said that its takes about seven days to feel a difference, I felt one in about two to three days. Less negative moods, less anger, less negative thoughts, definately better mood, more positive perspective, postive thoughts, motivated.

 

Getting back to the book, you're not going to agree with everything the good Dr. writes, but he does make some very good points about being "love sick" and about how to handle it and deal with it ~ which is what you're going through right now. Take and use what you can ~ leave the rest, but I would definately recommend the book, the Melatonin and SAM-e.

[Gunny376]

Just a quick add,

 

People who have been diagonsed as Bi-polar should not take SAM-e!

[Wolfp]

Thanks Gunz. I will wait until I get back to CONUS to pick up the book. I did download e-book “30 Days to Mend a Broken Heart” or something like that. Being where I am and knowing how long mail takes I have put on hold purchases via the internet. Not a nibble on my email that I tossed out, of course it was only sent last night. This waiting game is the pits. So now my heart needs to bleed for a moment.

Ya know, mornings are the worst for me. I use to wake up in a great mood looking forward to the day. It was when we started our day together. I would wake up at 0530, jump in the shower, shave, and get dressed. I would go downstairs and start a pot of coffee. Come back up, and see the warm blonde haired, blue eyed lump lying in bed. I would go to her side, sit on the edge, and give her a kiss on the cheek and one on each eye. They would open and smile at me, and my soul would soar and no matter what challenges were facing me that day, they made me believe I could take them on. I would ask her if she wanted to sleep in, but the answer was always no. She would get up and go brush her teeth while I went down to prepare the cups. She would come padding downstairs in pjs or sweats scratching her head and yawning, see me then smile again. She would come to the table, sit, and we would talk and sip coffee. Conversations were nothing in particular, sometimes about the day’s events and what we needed to get accomplished, but more often than not, about silly stupid stuff that couples discuss. I would then go upstairs to get the kids up and leave shortly thereafter, giving/receiving a kiss, an exchanged “love you”, followed by a “see ya later.” It was our special time together, with no interruptions; we have been doing this for years. It was comfortable, and ours alone. It was what got my day going.

I would call once during the day to see how hers was going and normally I got the “it’s ok…guess what I found on e-bay” or the dreaded “How much do you love me?” meaning a major purchase had been made, but I didn’t care as long as she was happy. On the way home I would call her to see if she needed me to pick anything up or if she wanted to go out and do something after I arrived. I might stop by the store to pick her up some Orange Slices (bag of squishy candies), flowers, or somesuch. I would walk through the door and there she would be smiling at me again with those gorgeous blue eyes, asking how my day had been, what I had done, if there was anything that I needed or wanted. I had everything, so normally the answer was, “nope, just you”.

Nights were spent maybe watching t.v., a movie, playing scrabble with the kids or something. She loved to cook and putter in the kitchen, so I would walk in and look over her shoulder, give her a kiss on the cheek, a hug, and rub her arms than sit on the island and talk to her about whatever came up, her day and how it went, what her latest design change was to the retirement home, what she needed me to take care of around the house, the kids and school. After we got everything cleaned up and the kids off to bed it was again our time alone again, maybe making love, maybe talking, maybe just curling up together and going to sleep. I loved to sit and watch her breath during the night while she was sleeping, the rise and fall of the blankets as she inhaled and exhaled. It was life, it felt right.

I would tell her every day how she made me feel, how beautiful and desirable she was, how happy she made me, how I appreciated all that she did for the children and I. I made sure she knew how much she was loved, wanted, and appreciated never leaving anything to doubt. God how I miss her, miss it. I look at the empty side of the bed every morning, just staring, shocked, not wanting to believe that it could truly be over. 18 years of shared trials, tribulations, love, and life disappearing in an instant. I sit around day in and day out agonizing over how could I have been more supportive, what more did she need that I didn’t give or provide, what could I have done differently, what had I been doing wrong, and why hadn’t she told me that she felt something was missing. I considered it a gift, an honor, a privilege to be able to take care of her, provide for her, something special, something from God, one that was mine and mine alone. Now it is gone, taken from me, walked out the door without so much as an explanation, and I feel lost and alone. Why did she take this from me? Just had to let this one out, think I have been keeping it in too long.

[Gunny376]

This one is over my head like a F-16? What it is that you did wrong, or didn't do right, whatever her issues are ~ is beyond my military comprehenshion.

 

I mean Geez! Now that you've wrote that you're going to have to shut off your PM here @ LS!!!!!! You'll be getting all knds of :love:

 

I mentioned you might want to check out Dr. Hellen Kreidman's "Light Her Fire!"

 

Forget it, you need to send her ideas for her next book! Or write your own! Shezzzzh! Especially after two teenagers adn 18 years?

 

I'm at a lost Guy?

 

LJ and the other ladies? I'd like to hear your comments on this one.

 

As for Diesel, Ilmw, and the other guys, STAY AWAKE! I HOPE YOUR TAKING NOTES HERE, THERE WILL BE A TEST LATER!

[dgiirl]

Wow, all that comes to mind is your wife is crazy.

 

Perhaps her illness has a lot more to do with this than you do. Maybe she's pushing you away because she doesnt want you to see her sick? This is all speculation tho. I really dont know what the problem is. However, your wife was a very lucky woman to have your love like that. I can only dream to have a love like that one day in my life.

[Wolfp]

Heh...thanks. The problem with mental illness is unless the person with it realizes there exists a problem, they wont seek treatment. When she went off the deep end, I mean really deep, there was not other choice but to have her put into an institution. It killed me. I could only see her a couple hours a day for the first week, after that they allowed her out to come see the children during the afternoons. After shipping her home, I dont know what happened, but the Doc tells me there is absolutely no way to have her involuntarily committed based upon her current condition without her doing something extreme that endangers herself or someone else. I actually considered at one point seeing if I could get her to take a swing at me or pick up a knife; however, thought better of it as she is pretty quick. The only thing I can do is prepare for the end of this relationship, focus on the kids, and prepare for a future by myself (at least for the time being).

[Gunny376]

We cannot forge out destiny, but we must do that which we can ~ until our destiny is reveled to us

[Wolfp]

The other thing that has me concerned is she has not tried contacting the kids. She sent a disjointed email detailing different things like cleaning house, going to church, but nothing further. So I may be the sole provider for my two yung'ens

[Wolfp]

We cannot forge out destiny, but we must do that which we can ~ until our destiny is reveled to us

 

Now if I could only have to get my butt in gear and quit feeling sorry for myself.

[Wolfp]

and I feel a little better. Between you guys and gals, my parents and family, friends, and others willing to pitch in their two cents I should make it through this somehow...For whatever reason, this has been a particularly trying day. My new analogy describing my life...I'm a hockey goaley and everyone on the opposing team has a damn puck!

[Gunny376]

Yea! I call it the "Storms Of Life", the book I mentioned this.

 

You become focused. You start to neglect things ~ the reason your house plants start dying isn't because they're against you ~ its becuase you're not taking care of them ~ because it takes everything you've got to take care of your and yours.

[Wolfp]

Yeah...this has been pretty much the worst day out of all of them up to this point. I finally really let go and am still a little tired from the exertion. Not sure if that means anything or not, all I know is I dont want another one like it. Hurt too much.

[Gunny376]

But, yea! There are going to more of them. Some days are going to be worse than others. Some days are just going to be "gray", and some days are going to be good days.

 

It does get better, with time.

 

It helps to get and stay busy, which the MC will help you with that, I'm sure.

 

It also helps that you're the primary care taker, custodial parent of your children. That's going to be a big asset to you once you've gotten re-assigned Stateside. They'll help you smile, laugh, give you sparks of joy, pride, accomplishment, etc.

 

It will help a lot if you keep your daily routine, stay physically attive, keep moving. PT will most definately help ~ might want to up the PT amps a bit.

 

It will definately help whenever you find you counting your sorrows ~ to count your blessings:

 

I've got two great children

I've got a job ~ a lot of people don't

I've got a great job that I'm passionate about ~ a lot of people don't

I've got ......................

 

You get the idea!

 

I'd recommend keeping a journal. Stuff you really can't speak about here, or to the Chaplain, or to the children, or to anyone. It will help you vent. Six months from now, you'll be amazed how far you've come.

 

If you read my past post you'll hear me talk about being an "Alpha" male and about "manning-up" You? You're already there, you just need to remember it and apply it.

 

No! Its not pretty, and its not fun! But, this isn't your first rodeo either. This isn't the first time you've been thrown. This isn't the first time Life's thrown you in the dirt. You'll do what needs to be done, what has to be done. You've been knocked down before, and you'll do what you've always done, you'll get back up, "they're" never going to keep you down!"

 

SemperFi

 

Gunz

[Gunny376]

I was going to PM you this, but decided to put it on the main board, so others could see it. Since it might be be of us to others.

 

Sixteen years ago, when I was going the though the Big "D", I was like a drowning man grasping for straws. Back then there wasn't an Internet, there was only a bookstores, and back then we're talking Walldenbooks at the Mall or the PX. There wasn't any Books A Million or Barnes & Nobles. At least not where I was, and so the selection was limited.

 

But, I was looking for information, same as most of us here, on how to save my marriage. How to get her back, etc. I ran across a $6 paperback book, titled "Light Her Fire" by Dr, Hellen Kriegman.

 

But, by the time I had bought it, and read it ~ it was too late. The ink was already dried on the divorce papers. It made some pretty bold claims. Its said if you're going through a divorce she would show you the way to stop it. If you're single and alone ~ she would show you how to overcome that.

 

Its about how to be a man and be rommantic to a woman ~ but more than that its about understanding women, intimacy, the intimacy needs of women, and as all that applies to the particular woman that your with, but more than that its about how to communicate with the particular woman your with in a fashion that is unique to her own individuality.

 

I applied it to my next GF, and man did it work. It got the old creative juices to flowing. Now, instead of doing the obligartory rommantic things at given times, (Valentines Day, Birthdays, XMAS, Anniversarries) I would do them sporadically thorughout the year for no reason. And, I would spend days thinking about it, and putting thought into it ~ after awhile it became almost un-conscious.

 

And, it wasn't big things that I did ~ they were by and large small things and very in-expensive. Like get up and go warm her car up for her, before she went to work, on days I was off, or cool it off during the summer.

 

Pick up a couple of Convience Store Roses and leave them on her car seat the night before, when I had to be to work earlier than she.

 

Or pick up some two roses, and leave them crossed on my pillow with just a Post-It note that said, "Roses are Red, Viloets Are Blue ~ I'm at work ~ But I'm thinking of you!"

 

She was a school teacher ~ and at the beginning of every school year ~ I would go and get her something for her desk, or to decorate her classroom. To her it was an extra XMAS, and after we'd been together for a couple of years, she would just about die in anticipation of what I'd got her.

 

I got to where I put so much thought into what I would get her for the holidays, (XMAS, Valenitines) that all of her GF would call her, wanting to know what I'd goten her this year, and be green with jealousy.

 

We never fought, we never argued. We went everywhere together. Did everything together. Sex to qoute her, "Was never a problem between us!" (LOL~ That's another book!)

 

We broke up for a lot of reasons, for one the relationship was too one sided to her side. But, primarly because she and her family are from NC, and when I retired, I wanted and needed to come back home to Alabama. For all intents and purposes, the only family I've got are my two grown chldren and grandson, (I'm 49 BTW).

 

I've always described her as being almost the right woman for me, at the wrong place and the wrong time in my life.

 

Actually, I've just ordered her "Light Her Fire" audio program. She also offers:

 

"Light His Fire" (For the Ladies)

 

"Light Your Fire" (To learn how to be passionate about yourself and your life again. How can you light someone else's fire, when you're pilot light is flickering"

 

"Single No More"

 

And a book called "How To Light Your Fire When You Have Children" (Good book~! I highly recommend)

 

Because of my reading this paperback book, our first Valentine's together, I went to the flourist. While all the other men were ordering they're standard issued dozen roses, (Blah, blah, blah ~ no creativity ~ no thought) I was waiting in line for my turn at the counter. I looked around ~ didn't have a clue, but knew I had to be creative.

 

I saw this wicker basket, with a heart shaped handle. And, then I looked the otherside of the store, and I saw these "XMAS" blinking lights shaped like hearts.

 

When it came my turn ~ I told the clerk: "I want that basket there, with those blinking heart lights over there wrapped around the handle, with that little teddy bear there, holding that heart shaped ballon that says I love you in one hand, and one single rose in the other. Delivered to this address. (Her school)

 

The Principal's, (a woman) policy that all delivered Valenitne presents were to be delivered to the Teacher's lounge. When it came in ~ she herself delivered it to my GF's room. All the other Teacher's and TA's came around and were complaining and pouting ~ "All I got was a dozen roses, same as last year!"

 

For six month's I could do no wrong in her eyes.

 

The six and half years we were together ~ she never knew on the weekends that her son was at his Dad's when nor where on a Friday afternoon she would come home, where I would take her. About four times a year I'd whisk her away to a B&B in the Carolina Mountains.

 

Our fifth year together, I didn't do anything ~ and she became sort of pouty ~ (I was saving up money) then one weekend I whisked her away to the Hotel Intercontiental at Hilton Head, South Carolina (You've got to have some bucks to stay there for just a weekend!) For a year afterwards, ~ I could do no wrong!

 

I look back on it now, and in the prescence of such august company (sorry for the pun) of LS, and what I've learned since having coming to LS, and I can see I was so much meeting her emotional needs. (Thanks LJ)

 

And No! This isn't a pancea (a cure all). Its just one part of your skill set, another part of your tools that you need to acquire.

 

For you in particular Wolf, MC to MC. "Identify your weakness, and seek to overcome them!" 14 Leadership traits!

 

Carry On!

 

SemperFi! Do or Die!

 

Gunz!

[ilmw]

Thx for posting that last one guns.. thanks for sharing that.

 

I was going to ask you about that stuff anyway.. and you beat me to it:laugh:

 

Gonna get that book for sure...

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

I'd recommend the audio CD's and workbook rather than just the Paperback book.

 

Start with the book, and if you like it, kick it up a notch with the CD's

[Wolfp]

Gunz just pm'd ya. Feelin good right now, on top of my game for the first time in a few weeks. Not sure where this road is leading, but it should be an interesting trip.

[Gunny376]

In our lives we undertake journey's in which the destination is unknown! Indeed such is life! WE are not Earthly beings having a spiritual experience, we're Spiritual Beings having an Earthly experience. This world is noting more than a classroom for us, as Spiritual Beings to learn and to grow ~ to learn the concept of love

[Ladyjane14]

I got your PM, Wolf, regarding your proposed email to your wife. Thought I'd answer it here so we can generate the opinions of the group. That's the nice thing about LS.... there's a wide variety of thought and opinion.

 

Anyway, I think you're absolving her of responsibility and conceding way too much in the way of promises on future behavior, Wolf. I see a bit of desperation there.

 

I'm not a professional, but I can't believe that just because a person has experienced some mental illness that the world should change to suit them. They still have to live here in this world like the rest of us, and even though we offer them compassion and understanding.... we can't change the fundamental rules of social behavior.

 

Eventually, you will get tired of catering to her.

 

I think your better bet would be to make one phone call and to send one email each day. Keep it bland, just letting her know that you want to talk to her.

 

I also think it's a mistake just now to allow her to emotionally manipulate you in ANY way. If she's mentally ill... the world around her must appear as maelstrom of confusion. She's going to reach for what is SOLID. So, if you want it to be YOU that she reaches for, you have to be in control of your surroundings. You're a lighthouse of serenity and calm in the midst of the storm, right.

 

If she's allowed to manipulate you... she's the one in control. That's a scary-ass place to be when you don't know what the heck you're doing.

 

"Drop the leash and grab the wheel." Be in the driver's seat of your life, Wolf. Don't let the crazy person drive you down a bumpy road.

 

It's okay to give her some time to work through her issues if you feel like that's what she needs. But you don't have to share what you're thinking with her just now. You can leave your options open in case you ever feel like moving on. And I don't think it'll hurt a thing to allow her to feel a little bit of pressure, wondering if you're still going to be there later.

[Wolfp]

Thanks for the input and your right, its hard to not feel guilty and point the finger at yourself after 17 years of marriage and supporting someone other than yourself. Because she wont, or cant, tell you what it is that caused the riff to begin with, you begin to shoulda coulda woulda yourself to death. For instance, my not returning with her when she flew back to the states for treatment. I agonized over that decision but when push came to shove, the kids are in school and taking them to a hotel for what could have proved a lengthy stay would have disrupted their schedule too much, add to that, its the states and we have family there, so we discussed it and "jointly" decided that the kids and I would remain while she got better. Now Mr. shoulda coulda woulda shows up and you begin second guessing yourself, I shoulda gone with her, it coulda made the difference, and things woulda been different. I swear I can talk or think myself into circles when I want. Its actually kinda funny when I think about it. I was talking to my mother last night, I have an annoying habit of breaking times down from largest to least counts, might be 16 years in the military (everything in the military can be broken down into velocity, time, and how much fuel its going to take; dont let anyone fool you). I was able to count in my head the exact amount of months (2.5), days (75), hours (1800), minutes (10800), seconds (648000) since shipping her home and my odessy began. Mom said I was a nut, and she might be right, but its a neat party trick. Hehe...but your right, I am keeping my options open. The kids and I have started taking trips hither and yon and snapping photos, doing a mass emailing of the album after the fact to the entire family (sister in law; MIL; FIL; my parents; and DW of course). I am hoping this might snap her a little bit if she sees us three and not her in the photos (PSYOPS...mayhaps). But I will continue to dump her a couple of one liner emails every couple of days and see if I get a bite. Not up to calling her just yet due to the fact she still hasnt contacted the kids, and I am beginning to see the strain in their faces, which is a wee bit irritating and I might lose my cool. I also have an appointment with Chuck, my friendly neighborhood Divorce Buster Coach on Monday to see if he has anything he can bring to the table to break the deadlock. Anywho...thanks for the comments Ladyjane. Its always a pleasure to hear your input. Oh...and you too Gunz...I like your input also. Hehe.

[Ladyjane14]

You can't put yourself through all that "woulda, coulda, shoulda", Wolf. It's paralyzing, and it'll keep you from doing what you need to do. You already know in a cerebral sense that you can't affect the past. You can only work in the NOW. Let that message sink down into the subconscious by forgiving yourself. Your only crime here is in not being clairvoyant. Surely, you can muster up some self-forgiveness on that.

 

I'm still not convinced, btw... that you don't have another unidentified player in all this mess. Your WW's behavior could be due to her illness, but it also bears ALOT of the hallmarks of infidelity. I don't want to make you paranoid. But I do want you to keep your peepers open.

[Gunny376]

Not being clairvoyant is a crime?

 

Man, I am so screwed!

 

They're never going to let me out!

[Wolfp]

A trist? I had considered and discarded that. After I saw her when I returned, plus a whole lot of other gobbledy gook, that was a bridge too far for her at that point. Still, it bears watching due to the fact she has had her own email account for some time, so anything is possible. Yeah, I guess I can forgive myself for not being clairvoyant. Hehe.