Are all men afraid of commitment...or just mine

[Miss Mary Mac]

I originally posted this on dating but I think I should have posted here...sorry it'skind of long

 

I've never been married. Although it's something I've hoped for it doesn't rule my life. In my very early teen years I found myself in an abusive relationship with a sociopath who consequently went to prison for many years. During that time I grew and with the help of God, family, and counseling I became a strong independent single mom and managed to raise two beautiful, intelligent, respectful and self-confident daughters.

 

When my oldest was going through her terrible teens I realized I needed to focus all of my attention on my girls so I ended my 2 yr relationship with a good man. This man continued to attempt to be in my life and after a couple years we began "dating" again. We resumed a relationship after a year of casual dating and discussed marriage although I made it clear that I didn't want to go that route until I finished raising my girls. He agreed and I was able to maintain focusing on my family while balancing our relationship. My oldest child worked through her demons and grew into womanhood finding a great career in which she excels...she's now 25. My youngest is entering her 2nd year of college and comes home on weekends...she's now 20. I'm finally ready to take my relationship to the next level.

 

My man has his own demons. I'll start by saying he's a really great guy. He's always a gentleman who opens my door and apologizes if he cusses. He works hard, owns his own home, has a nice nest egg in the bank and loves his mom. He has tons of friends but his brother is his best. He's the kind of guy that women want and men want to be. Although he's far from perfect he's there when I need him and when he's away from me I feel like part of me is missing. He married at a young age after she became pregnant. From what he's said it was an awful experience and after six yrs and three sons they divorced. It was very messy mostly because he had an affair. He and his ex were able to work through it all to become good parents and good friends. She's since remarried and as odd as it seems we all get along famously. He stayed in a relationship with 'the mistress' for 8 yrs which ended amicably. He had another relationship that lasted for 10 years which ended because he wouldn't take it to the next level. Then I came along. That was 10 yrs ago.

 

I'm now 42 and he's 55 and I've been ready to take our relationship to the next level for a while now. He's scared to death and although I have my own issues I really want to do more than date. Whever we've discussed marriage or living together he's changed the subject. So I've taken a passive approach and chose to let things happen in their own time. On Easter morning he announced that he decided he was going to take out a loan to remodel his house (it's very small and needs work) and wanted me to sell my house and move in after the renovations were complete. I was thrilled. I started making plans and told some of our family and friends. He never said a word about it again. A month or so later I brought up some plans about selling my house and he acted as if he didn't know what I was talking about. I said "we are on the same page about living together aren't we?" and he said "yes honey, we are." A few weeks later I asked him how the loan was coming along and he became annoyed and said he'd get to it when he had a chance. I backed off and a couple more months went by.

 

My neighborhood has been quickly turning into a war zone and I've begun to be afraid of living there. He knows how dangerous it is. Saturday night I brought the subject of moving up again and he said "well why don't you just move?" I said "where am I going to go, you're not ready for me to move in yet?" and he just sat there and said "don't wait for me." I was shocked. My mouth literally dropped open. I said "I thought we had a plan here to move in together" and he said "I don't know what I want" and got up and went to bed. OMG!!! I'm so torn between being heart broken and totally pissed off! I don't know what to do. I truely love this man but I feel like a complete idiot. I haven't spoken to him since. We're supposed to go away with a friends in a week but how the hell can I go now? I don't even want to talk about it with my friends because I'm ashamed.

 

What do I do? I'm beginning to think he's incapable of taking this relationship any further. Maybe I could have continued to "date" him if he never asked me to move in and I started making plans. Now I'm afraid I won't be able to get past the resentment that's forming in my heart. I just can't imagine my life without him in it.

 

Please help.

[Moai]

I would say pressuring him will only make it worse.

 

I am 41, married, and can't wait to get married. So to answer the question of your thread, no, all men aren't afraid of commitment.

[Miss Mary Mac]

I don't want to pressure him into anything. I thought this was what he wanted too...until recently. I just don't know what to do. I'm angry and hurt and feel like telling him to go to hell but I know that won't accomplish anything. I just feel so lost - What do I do?

[Annacabana]

I personally would not continue this relationship. He doesn't want you to move in with him or you would already be there. Key words here "don't wait for me". I feel that was pretty blunt and shows you what you need to do.

[Miss Mary Mac]

Thanks Anna. Guess you're right...he pretty much told me where his head is. He left me a voicemail last week asking how I was feeling. When I returned the call I got his voicemail so I left a message saying I wasn't happy and not sure where we stand. I haven't heard anything since.

 

As I stated earlier, we're supposed to go away this weekend with about 20 friends...something we've planned for months. I really want to go but not with him. What would you do?

[Annacabana]

Are these friends that you had prior to being together or ones that you made together? That would be the deciding factor for me. You could also go seperately if that could be handled amicably.You could also just call him and tell him you don't want him to go and uninvite him, in a polite way of course. I hope you get to go and have a good time.

[Miss Mary Mac]

They were his friends first but they've since become mine (the women anyway). I've been tight with these women for many years now. I've recently discussed this with a couple of them and they said they're not going if I don't go. One of them told me that yesterday he told one of their husbands that we're having a "small" fight right now and I'm mad at him but I'll get over it and he's still coming with me. I guess I could go with him and be amicable and just deal with all of this when we get back. This just so sucks.

[Mz. Pixie]

He's comfortable with the relationship the way it is.

 

He's obviously not afraid of losing you or he would be moving in the direction of making it permanent.

 

All men are not afraid of committment with the right woman. The question is- are you the right one for him?? I don't think so. I think he enjoys what you guys have but doesn't want anything more.

 

Some men are not cut out to be married- or they don't want to be.

 

If being married is important to you I think you need to find someone else. He's obviously not as into you as you are into him.

[Miss Mary Mac]

He called this afternoon and said he loved & missed me and wanted talk things over because he didn't want to lose me. He' asked if I would go to lunch with him tomorrow. I'm no longer as angry so I said I would. It was so good just to hear his voice. I'm praying tonight for guidance so please keep me in your prayers.

[Mz. Pixie]

He called this afternoon and said he loved & missed me and wanted talk things over because he didn't want to lose me. He' asked if I would go to lunch with him tomorrow. I'm no longer as angry so I said I would. It was so good just to hear his voice. I'm praying tonight for guidance so please keep me in your prayers.

 

Hmmmm perhaps he has had a change of heart????

 

DO NOT sleep with him.