How can I trust him

[Deb]

My husband of 23 years took my son to a convention in California this summer as he has in the past couple of years only this year was different. A young girl and her friend who are in their twenties also were attending this convention and needed a place to stay. I was aware the girls had no place to stay and told my husband that under no circumstances were these girls to stay with him. My husband promised me that this would not happen. Well I found out a few days after my husband came home that the two young ladies did share a hotel room with my husband and son. I don't think anything sexual happened but how can I trust him? This situation has been eating away at me for a couple of months. I could use some advise please

[Totally Confused]

Everyone is going to let us down at some point in our lives. whether it is a big letdown or a little one, it happens. You've lied and let people down and I have. It doesn't mean you don't love them and they can't be trusted, it's just part of being human and trying to keep peace when you know an unnecessary war could arise.

 

Your husband lied to you. It happens. He's not a bad person. I'm sure you've had a few little white lies. He lied because obviously he knew these young children were no threat, so he was trying to protect you from getting worried and upset over nothing. Why are you assuming that because these girls are 20, your husband is going to want them? I've seen extremely unattractive 20 year olds. who still haven't even developed and the most beautifl 50 year old women. And what makes you think the 20 yrs olds want him? The fact that he even told you about the young girls, was pretty darn honest. He didn't have to tell you anything. Plus, I don't think he's going to have an affair with your son in the same room, that would be pretty discusting. It sounds like your husband, was being nice. He knew the girls had no place to stay, and then you tell him they can't stay over. He's caught between a rock and a hard place. Torn between throwing these girls on the street because his wife is insecure and would be jealous or just letting them stay the night, knowing nothing would happen. He figured what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you, because he knew he would never betray you like that. You've got to relax. You've been married for 23yrs. That's a pretty big deal now-a-days. You didn't make it this far for nothing. There is a great deal of trust and respect, and yes he did lie to you. But you know what? Get over it. If you are going to destroy something that you've had for so long over something so menial, then you're foolish. The first thing you should do is let this go. don't build up resentment, because you don't trust. He's let you down, and guess what, he may do it again, just as you might let him down one day. but that's what love and marriage is about. Trust, Forgiveness, Love, Dissapointment, Ups and Downs. Maybe he betrayed your trust, but you're just as bad if you don't forgive him. I hope things work out and I hope you do let go. This husband of yours sounds like a sweet, sweet man and you're lucky that you have him. I've seen much worse.

[Deb]

Thanks for your reply T Confused. I think the thing that really bothers me is that these girls are aprox 24 years old and very could have stayed with some of their single friends at this convention. They shared a room with my husband and son for five days. So I essentially paid for their hotel stay. As I had said my husband promised me these girls would not be staying with him. I don't think it is right for a married 42 year old man to have two ladies stay with him for five days in a hotel room. The reason we have stayed married for so long is the honesty in our relationship. I am not jealous. I'm actually an attractive woman. I just don't like how when he did call home he would not do it from his room,always from another location and he also put my son in a very bad position having to lie to his mother about the whole thing. I guess I just feel really betrayed because I would never do such a thing. I'm not a saint or a prude I would just not lie to my spouse about something like this. I don't know if he just thought I was stupid. He was the stupid one because he got caught. again thanks for your words and I am trying really hard to get over all this. I guess it just takes time Everyone is going to let us down at some point in our lives. whether it is a big letdown or a little one, it happens. You've lied and let people down and I have. It doesn't mean you don't love them and they can't be trusted, it's just part of being human and trying to keep peace when you know an unnecessary war could arise. Your husband lied to you. It happens. He's not a bad person. I'm sure you've had a few little white lies. He lied because obviously he knew these young children were no threat, so he was trying to protect you from getting worried and upset over nothing. Why are you assuming that because these girls are 20, your husband is going to want them? I've seen extremely unattractive 20 year olds. who still haven't even developed and the most beautifl 50 year old women. And what makes you think the 20 yrs olds want him? The fact that he even told you about the young girls, was pretty darn honest. He didn't have to tell you anything. Plus, I don't think he's going to have an affair with your son in the same room, that would be pretty discusting. It sounds like your husband, was being nice. He knew the girls had no place to stay, and then you tell him they can't stay over. He's caught between a rock and a hard place. Torn between throwing these girls on the street because his wife is insecure and would be jealous or just letting them stay the night, knowing nothing would happen. He figured what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you, because he knew he would never betray you like that. You've got to relax. You've been married for 23yrs. That's a pretty big deal now-a-days. You didn't make it this far for nothing. There is a great deal of trust and respect, and yes he did lie to you. But you know what? Get over it. If you are going to destroy something that you've had for so long over something so menial, then you're foolish. The first thing you should do is let this go. don't build up resentment, because you don't trust. He's let you down, and guess what, he may do it again, just as you might let him down one day. but that's what love and marriage is about. Trust, Forgiveness, Love, Dissapointment, Ups and Downs. Maybe he betrayed your trust, but you're just as bad if you don't forgive him. I hope things work out and I hope you do let go. This husband of yours sounds like a sweet, sweet man and you're lucky that you have him. I've seen much worse.

[Totally Confused]

Well now the story is different. 4 or 5 days is a little out of control. How old is your son? Was he staying in the room also? How did you find out the truth? And what was your husbands reasoning for letting them stay?

 

Your husband was probably trying to be the macho hero, saving the day for the young ladies, and the young ladies weren't stupid and took advantage of it. It was his way of feeling young and attractive w/o actually doing anything. If these girls had other friends there, then they should have stayed in another room.

 

Now, you are obviously having a hard time getting over this, which now I don't blame you, but if you two have Trust in your relationship, maybe you should explain to your husband that trust goes beyond just not having sex with other women. It's knowing that a person would never do anything, within their power, to hurt or upset the other. If you are able to talk to your husband in a sane and normal tone, I suggest you go down the list of what you're feeling. I don't mean over dinner, I mean sit across from each other, when you don't have to get up in the morning, and hash this out. You need to go down a list of how you are hurting, how you feel he's betrayed you. There is a reason why he did what he did that goes beyond the surface. You have to figure that out. He hasn't told you. The reason I know he hasn't told you is because you haven't put this to rest. Why he did what he did went far beyond him being a horny older man seeing a young girl. I could be wrong, but you feel that he is trustworthy and you're the one that's been with him for 23 yrs, you'd know. Is he going through mid-life crisis and he felt this was a way of release w/o actually doing the act of cheating. You've got to talk about him and get into his head, because you already know what's going on in your head, and you're not happy about what he did. Then once he opens up, from that point you can decide what you want to do. It takes a long, long time to build trust and only 1 minute to destroy it. Then it takes even longer to build the trust again, if ever. Just remember that people who you trust, can let you down. We don't always know there reasoning, but it happens. You're going to have to let him know that he is going to have to work for the rest of his life, in order to gain your trust back. You should tell him that his punishment for this will be the two of you talking about this over and over and over and over again. He'll never betray you again.

[Deb]

Thanks again for your reply Totally Confused. To answer your questions. My son is 16 years old and he did stay in the room. As I said this isn't a sex thing. It's the whole betrayal thing.We have been together a long time and people always say what a great couple we are. That's what hurts the most. The way I caught my husband is my son was showing me pictures he had taken at this convention and in one picture it was a shot of the two girls in a hotel room with wet hair. I really did not give much thought to it but then I noticed what looked to be an air bed in the corner but I thought ,well the girls must have been staying with some friends in their room. Then I noticed that the alarm clock on the nightstand looked just like mine which is very unusual so then I knew. Plus as I had said before my husband never called me from his room it was always somewhere else in the hotel.So I knew I had him. I confronted my husband about it and he did confess that the girls did stay with him. He says he actually doesn't know why he did such a stupid thing. He was just stupid and foolish. I really don't know if this was just a case of a really stupid judgement call trying to be a nice man or like you said is this a mid life or ego thing without being involved sexually. I'm trying to get beyond this and your replies are helpful. Thanks Well now the story is different. 4 or 5 days is a little out of control. How old is your son? Was he staying in the room also? How did you find out the truth? And what was your husbands reasoning for letting them stay? Your husband was probably trying to be the macho hero, saving the day for the young ladies, and the young ladies weren't stupid and took advantage of it. It was his way of feeling young and attractive w/o actually doing anything. If these girls had other friends there, then they should have stayed in another room. Now, you are obviously having a hard time getting over this, which now I don't blame you, but if you two have Trust in your relationship, maybe you should explain to your husband that trust goes beyond just not having sex with other women. It's knowing that a person would never do anything, within their power, to hurt or upset the other. If you are able to talk to your husband in a sane and normal tone, I suggest you go down the list of what you're feeling. I don't mean over dinner, I mean sit across from each other, when you don't have to get up in the morning, and hash this out. You need to go down a list of how you are hurting, how you feel he's betrayed you. There is a reason why he did what he did that goes beyond the surface. You have to figure that out. He hasn't told you. The reason I know he hasn't told you is because you haven't put this to rest. Why he did what he did went far beyond him being a horny older man seeing a young girl. I could be wrong, but you feel that he is trustworthy and you're the one that's been with him for 23 yrs, you'd know. Is he going through mid-life crisis and he felt this was a way of release w/o actually doing the act of cheating. You've got to talk about him and get into his head, because you already know what's going on in your head, and you're not happy about what he did. Then once he opens up, from that point you can decide what you want to do. It takes a long, long time to build trust and only 1 minute to destroy it. Then it takes even longer to build the trust again, if ever. Just remember that people who you trust, can let you down. We don't always know there reasoning, but it happens. You're going to have to let him know that he is going to have to work for the rest of his life, in order to gain your trust back. You should tell him that his punishment for this will be the two of you talking about this over and over and over and over again. He'll never betray you again.

[Totally Confused]

Like I said. The more info I get on this, the more it looks to me like there was more to it than your husband just wanting to be nice or just wanting sex. You're right, it has nothing to do with sex. But your husband does know why he did it, he just doesn't know how to express it to you in words, so that he doesn't sound foolish. I really think that even though he did something so stupid and something that seems unforgiveable, you don't want to throw 23yrs or more and a child together out the window. You just want to wish this never happened and you blame him for making you feel this way and for ruining everything that was going along perfectly. The one thing that you loved about your relationship for 23yrs, was destroyed in one week and it's his fault. The only way that you're even going to be able to get some peace of mind with this issue, is to get him to tell you why, he did what he did. And " I don't know, I just wasn't thinking," isn't going to work, because he had 4/5 days to think if what he was doing was right or wrong. You need to know what his motive was and the reasoning behind his betraying and lying to you. What was so important to him, that he had to let these girls stay, knowing you didn't want them to and knowing he would have to lie about it afterward. And then the selfishness of making his own son lie to his own mother. What kind of weight is that for a 16 yr old child to have to carry. Nothing, but lies came out of this and what was so important that he had to do this to you and your son. It must have been desperately important. Let him know, if he doesn't answer you, you'll never be able to get past this and it will only slowly eat away at you and the relationship. This betrayal is the start of a very long, dragged out resentment spree on your part. One day you'll be lashing out at him over stupid little things, which will stem back to the resentment you're carrying inside of you. The only way to even try to stop it is to nip it in the bud now, before you harbor anymore resentment. It's not just going to go away, and he needs to know this. You're very upset, otherwise you wouldn't be looking for advice on this. He's the only one you can really talk to, to fully resolve this. If he loves you, he will help you.