wife and I not talking

[joey1234]

My wife and I have been married for 1 year. We got into a fight last weekend aobut going to some bar-b-q, She made these plans without me and i never wanted to go. I didnt have any cash to pay for the tolls and gas to get to this place,and also for the birthday present for this person. She went ahead and borrowed money so we can go! We got into an argument and she told me that she would go herself. So she went by herself.

 

Since then she has not spoken to me This is going on for 4 days now. I havent said anything to her either, but I realized - I have noything to say! Her last words to me in her argument was " you are a miserable f*ck, and i dont even want to be around you. MAYBE WE SHOULDNT EVEN BE TOGETHER"

 

This isnt the first time that we went without talking for more than a day, and I am sick of it..

 

If we were to split up and get a divorce, what would we do with all of our stuff? we have 2 cars - 1 in my name one in hers, I pay payments on both right now, but she does work. i am willing to give her everything we bought together, furniture, TVs, etc. Even the apartment... I just dont want toi get stuck with any monthly payments for her. Is this possible?

 

I know it is a little rash thinking about all of this over a fight, but our fights seem to get worse and worse and nothing ever changes, im just starting to wonder if we really do belong together, I do love her but I dont want my whole life to be like this, and I think it may be good to get out before we have kids and ruin there lives, making them live with 2 people that hate eachother......

 

THanks in advance for alll replies...

[norajane]

Definitely do not have children under these circumstances. They will be miserable growing up in a home where the parents are alternately fighting and not-speaking. The silent treatment she's giving you is childish and show that she hasn't learned how to communicate properly in a marriage. The words you quoted show she is verbally abusive...your kids may end up on the receiving end of that, too.

 

Go online and check the divorce laws in your state, or make an appointment to speak to a divorce attorney. An attorney could help you understand what you would and would not be liable for. A year of marriage isn't likely to lead to a whole lot of alimony, if any.

 

I would normally recommend a marriage counselor, but it's not sounding like you have any loving, happy times to try to get back. Might be time to cut your losses and make better choices in the future.

 

Good luck to you.

[Gunny376]

I'd seriously think about bailing. Norajane already has already said it all. You can't go wrong by yourself.

[destination_unknown]

Have you tried anything to resolve these communication issues? Were they there before you got married? THB, it doesn't sound like you have invested very much in this marriage. You sound like you want to jump ship without trying to sail the boat.

[GuySimple]

hum, slow down cowboy. Welcome to marriage. The honeymoon is over etc. etc.

 

First off any relationship requires communication. The silent treatment works well if you want NOT to have a relationship.

 

If you are looking for advice the first thing I would do is apologize for being a dumb a$$ and not talking to her for 4 days. Next, start giving 100% to the relationship. It is pretty tough to do that if you are spending time checking out divorce laws.

 

Rather than planning your escape, which by the way is way more difficult and emotional than either of the two above have lead you to believe, sit down with your wife and find common ground. You just got married so start with the reasons you got married.

 

Then, go see a councilor or someone who can help resolve any of the issues you have after finding out about each other for a year.

 

See the cool thing about marriage is that you really get to know someone after a while and that takes a lot of courage to deal with. When you are dating or in a non-marriage like relationship people are generally on their best behavior. What each of you are seeing now is the raw person and personality. So the part you fell in love with is still there it is just hidden a bit more under a whole lot of reality. Seek someone out to help you both sift through the reality and find it.

 

What you are going through is not uncommon. But you need to deal with it better and start by talking to her like you care. Keep in mind you only have control over you so don't expect her to immediately fall into your arms and start hearing harps playing. Like every relationship, partnership etc., there needs to be a leader to step up and now is that time.

 

Oh, don't forget to fight the good fight. It is good for a relationship to express feelings but from a caring understanding perspective. But don't forget the great make-up sex after. It is what being newly married is all about.

[whichwayisup]

Go to marriage counselling and learn how to discuss things without giving eachother the silent treatment. To me, that has to be one of the most rudest and intentional things someone can do. It's immature, selfish and pointless. EGO is what that is about.

 

Both of you were right and wrong here, so just let that go. It wasn't worth a huge fight and the reactions that followed - Did that make things better or worse? Let alone, your wife saying those words to you - Just plain wrong and disrespectful. It's OK to have fights and disagreements, as long as there's no name calling and putting the other person down. Compromise and listen to eachother. Solve the problem instead of letting it build up and explode like it did.

[GuySimple]

Good advice WWIUP.

 

Joey, getting the picture? Give your wife a hug and tell her that you need to do better. Remember, we are just dealing with what you have control over so that is your feelings. Don't expect anything back. Treat her like the day before you got married, BUT, make sure you express your feelings so as to not short change yourself and what is important to you.

 

Using your example, it is OK to tell her that you don't want to go on the bbq and to say why. But then go. It is not life threatening and it is important to her. She will know you don't want to be there but are only doing it because of her. So that will make her feel special, that you love her.

 

As for the expense. It seems to me that a toll and a small gift does not cost very much. But if it is important enough for her to borrow to go you should have been there with her. Sorry to say but in this case you were a miserable fu@k.

 

So, take your post here as a good learning experience from a few people who have been married (and no longer married) a lot longer than you.

 

Sorry for being condescending but I can't help it when I see someone throwing a relationship away for the price of a toll road and birthday gift.

[Gunny376]

Couple couseling usually is one dragging the other into couseling, trying to prove by validation of the counselor that the other person is wrong and they're right.

 

So what's the point?

 

I'm sense a very young, immature couple here, who do not have the skill set, the maturity, the experience to deal with and handle being married to one another. I also sense a lack of committment to do that which is necesaary to suck it up and make it work, come Hell, Damnation, and High Water.

 

I get this based from real life experience of twenty years in the Marine Corps of having to deal with couples such as this ~ who think all is marital bliss ~ and will be alright by getting married, when the reality is living in a 20 year old single wide rental trailer, eating macaroni and cheese every night and Hamburger Helper on weekends, and driving a 74 Ford Maverick held together with duck tape, bailiing wire, prayer, and balding tires.

 

My post was based upon real life experience of dealing over, and over, and over with such couples. Who think that at 19-22 they know more about marriage, life, raising children than I do ~ when in fact they don't have a clue.

 

We've got enough children from broken homes. We don't need anymore. We've got all the screwed up slacker ~ no ambition kids one society needs! We're covered up in them and we don't need anymore.

 

Get counseling! Sure! But first you need to grow up and take control and responsibility. Learn what committment is. Dedication, loyality, fidelity, that marriage is much more than just about getting laid regularly (ROTFLMAO ~ I crack myself up sometimes!)