G. Dam S.O.B.

[lovehate]

by the way there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation....i hate him more than i ever loved him..sorry but the bitterness has to come out before i can mend myself

[Ladyjane14]

by the way there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation....i hate him more than i ever loved him..sorry but the bitterness has to come out before i can mend myself

 

That's completely up to you, Lovehate. A WS doesn't realize it, but in alot of ways, they leave the BS in a powerful position when they choose to cheat. You can't make his decisions for him... But hey, he can't make yours for you either.

 

Weirdly enough... ultimately, you'll end up in driver's seat. He can always elect to leave the marriage, but he can't opt to return to it without your cooperation.

You can choose to NEVER take him back.

 

That said, I just want to remind you that in alot of cases, infidelity can be overcome. Marriages can heal even after REALLY bad behavior on the part of one spouse or even both, and end up stronger than ever.

 

You might want to read a copy of Surviving An Affair before you make a final decision. There are techniques available for handling your WH, and even if you decide at some point that you're definitely DONE... I still think you'll get alot out of it.

[lovehate]

where are you lor i need your help

[Lor]

hey, I'm here. What do you need? I'll add this to my email notification so I'll get it immediately.

 

sorry I didn't get back to you but I only have internet here at work.......

[Lor]

When you say he walked this other chick home from the bar, do you mean the one he's been talking to on the phone? I thought she was 6 hrs away? The jealousy will eat you if you let it and honestly, neither one of them care. If it was her, she's now proven to you that your marriage is not foremost to her and she's not a decent person. Don't waste your time or energy on her--it will honestly get you no where. You can tell her things that will prove to her that he's being lying to her but she won't care. She's heard your voice but to her you are only a name--not real. and even when you do become a living, breathing person, she still won't quit. When I talked to my H's OW, I got to tell my side of the story, she was able to hear him say in front of me with her on the speaker phone that he'd been lying to her about me. and it didn't stop either one of them or the phone calls. As a good friend of mine said, if they get together sit back and enjoy the show. They are coming at each other during a "rebound" and those type of relationships don't work. It works for them right now because they have something in common, they feel lonely and that the world has done them wrong and that everyone is against them. So let them. I'll say it again--you can't make them stop. It'll take you some time to get past this aspect of it.

 

You can be angry and bitter and still feel like your heart's being tore out of you. Actually the anger is better than the depressive since you can focus more that way. When I said no more bawling or begging, I meant to him. You can cry, get depressed, agonize, pick things apart, you name it. I'd swear the roof of my old SUV had dents from how many times I'd punched it and my new one has scuff marks on the side from where I kicked it in rage--and that wasn't too long ago. This is probably the worse thing you will ever go thru. but you're not alone; we're here to listen and (try to) guide. One of the scariest things is feeling like no one else knows what you're feeling and that you don't have anywhere to turn.

 

congrats to your daughter on her soccer award!! and congrats to you for making her feel special. That was a good night, him aside, right? SHE appreciates you, revel in that and nuture it. Its a very hard time for her, too, even though she's not showing it to you or talking about it--sounds like she's internalized a lot of it. Talk to her, make sure she knows she's not involved in this but that Daddy has some problems he needs to work out and he can't work them out living with you. yeah, he's being a jerk towards her but he's focusing on his own agenda right now and the two of you don't fit.

 

After my H left in the beginning he didn't call or see his kids for about a month. I let them call him whenever they wanted to. My then 7 yr old boy started to go thru severe depression and I talked to the dr about getting him on something for it but they decide to play it out for a while. After one night of having both him and my 5 yr old cry themselves to sleep over him, H made the mistake of calling me and he ended up with a couple new orafices by the time I was done! That opened his eyes to what he was doing and he was able to separate them from me. In my case, this actually has made him a better father--but I had to get p*ssed off to make him see what he was doing to them. My kids would still rather stay with me than him but I tell them that Daddy misses them too and wants to see them.

 

Now, what have you done for yourself? Anything new yet? If not, why not? Any new CD's you've been puting off buying? Go get it! I wouldn't push a new hairstyle but go get it cut, and maybe highlite it yourself. Do something you've always wanted to do but didn't do while you were with him. do you read? Grab a book, let Grandma babysit one night and go out to eat. There's no shame and no harm in it--it takes strength to go out by yourself. Try not to drink too much as it'll get you upset. but you know, I've found scary movies are very funny when you're drunk. You need to find yourself again and no one is going to do that for you. Something I did that I was never able to bring myself to do before is I got out and participated in my daughters soccer practice. And it was FUN!! the best part was her having fun with me. I was always too self-conscious to that kind of thing. This is your time--take control of your emotions and your life. He'll dangle you from the yo-yo if you let him.

 

Keep up the contact and attention with your daughter--you will have a strong bond and she will be a stronger woman because of it. Remember not to put him down in front of her; she will appreciate your efforts later in life. he may be a jerk but he's still her father.

 

it will get better and it will get easier. Take this virtual hug and remember that you are here among friends who will listen no matter what.

[Mz. Pixie]

He called the cops on your MOTHER because she told him off???

What an a*hole! The guy's committing ADULTERY and hurting her daughter. What's she supposed to do? ....shake his hand and tell him what an upstanding citizen he is???

 

Well, he's the one who wants to play hardball. What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose, right?

 

If it were me, I'd set a PI on his ass and get the confirmation that he's committing adultery. Check the laws in your state, http://divorcenet.com is one such site where you can get a quick overview. DO retain a lawyer though at your earliest convenience, and consider suing your WH for grounds. Make certain you file first though so you can get temporary custody of your daughter.

 

Retain a child psychologist so that he can't get away with slopping over his controlling behavior onto your child anymore. Obviously, he's not overtly concerned with her psychological well being. You need to be able to counter that.

 

If he says or does ANYTHING that you consider to be threatening or abusive... call the cops and get a restaining order. I certainly wouldn't do it if I didn't have a fairly good complaint, mind you. But I wouldn't put up with any abuse whatsoever from this guy.

 

You did what the majority of BS's do. You did a self-inventory and found various mistakes in your behavior during the marriage. Like most BS's you regretted it and felt guilty about it. But your sense of guilt does NOT give him carte blanche to mistreat you and your daughter now or in the future.

 

Listen to LJ here Love Hate- this is spot on advice.

 

I cannot say it strongly enough- "SEE AN ATTORNEY AND NOW"

 

Instead of him having you removed from the house- you have him served with papers that let him know you're changing the locks on the house. Pronto. If you guys are separated he has no right to come back and forth as he sees fit. That's your decision only.

 

I cannot freaking believe he had the balls to call the cops on your mom. What a ****tard. That's one of the worst things I've ever heard.

 

By the way, those mistakes he keeps throwing up to you? That's fogtalk! He's making excuses to justify what he did in the marriage. Pay him no mind. A man doesn't leave his wife for things like that, he leaves her when he finds a piece of side tail that he wants to pursue. It wasn't those mistakes you made that pushed him to leave- it was the OW. Don't kid yourself sweetie.

 

Listen to LJ honey. Word for word. You have really got to smarten up here- get unemotional and do what's best for your daughter. Falling apart is optional at a later point once you get her financial and emotional future secure.

 

He's lucky your mom didn't hire someone to beat his ass.

[Guest]

He is definitely ready to go. Let him! Any advances from you to make him stay will only turn him off more. I guarantee is gearing up to have a physical relationship with that girl. Let him go and work on yourself. To try to work it out will just leave you in too much pain and will probably end in divorce anyway. It usually does! Start taking care of yourself and see your attorney. The faster you accept your husband's decision the faster you can move on without him.

[Gunny376]

He called the cops on your MOTHER because she told him off???

What an a*hole! The guy's committing ADULTERY and hurting her daughter. What's she supposed to do? ....shake his hand and tell him what an upstanding citizen he is???

 

 

Well it you flip it around ~ yea!

 

As in: "Thank you so much, now my beloved daughter can go fine herself a real man, that can give her the love, respect, and diginity that she deserves and is entitled to instead of being married to a piece of whale crap like you!"

[lovehate]

Well the horror story continues...I went to pick groceries up last Thursday had them checked in and bagged and used the debit card only to find out that it was DECLINED!!!!!!!!!!!! I walked away without the groceries and totally, totally infuriated to the point I thought I was going to explode. I call the a**hole and he tells me that it is his money and that I am not entitled to it and I guess I should be budgeting my own money better. I asked him what about money for our child and he says I will give it to you when you need it.. WTF I mean the nerve. On Firday he decides to tell me that he is going to his howntown for the weekend and he is taking her, I kinda not nicely said that's not happening and he said you cannot stop me..anyway he decides to drop in to see her for a total of 3 minutes max and gave her a gift card that can't be used anywhere close to here, didn't ask if I needed money or if she wanted any. Now brace yourselves, he comes back on Sunday with a second hand car but leaves me since last week without a penny to my name, thank goodness my parents live here. So when he came to pick our child up, I asked him nicely so what'd ya get a new car and he so rudely replied with now I don't have to f**kin' answer to you now do I? Now she is right in front of me waitng to give me a kiss and she is hearing ehat he is saying..and he is the one that kept stressing through all of this that we have to be civil in front of her at least, kinda not heeding to his own words. Well today I have been nothing but almost honey sweet to him even though I completly loathe the SOB, my skin crawls when I see him. He is a sick monster that has been hiding for so long that the man that I married 8 years ago died sometime ago. In saying that his lawyer still don't have the seperation agreement drawn up yet and that is so bothersome, I just want this over and to have some closure on everything, no more threats will be fine with me. Will post you as soon as I find out how much blood he's going to try and draw out of me and how much more humiliation he is going to put me through!!!

[amaysngrace]

Have you been to an attorney yet? You can have a support order drawn up, and separate maintenance for yourself and your household bills.

 

It won't be final until the divorce so don't get hung up on numbers, but anything is a help to you in the meantime. I would ask for this ASAP, or you may not seem so needy when the divorce comes.

[Ladyjane14]

In saying that his lawyer still don't have the seperation agreement drawn up yet and that is so bothersome, I just want this over and to have some closure on everything, no more threats will be fine with me.

 

What is YOUR lawyer doing, honey?

..... And I do NOT want to hear that you don't have one, btw.

 

Are you documenting all of this in your notebook? If you don't have one, all you need is just a basic spiral notepad with your entries handwritten and dated in ink. You don't have to write down your feelings about all this. You can do that in a separate journal just for you. But write down ALL that day-to-day stuff so you'll have it as evidence if you need it.

[Ladyjane14]

Have you been to an attorney yet? You can have a support order drawn up, and separate maintenance for yourself and your household bills.

 

It won't be final until the divorce so don't get hung up on numbers, but anything is a help to you in the meantime. I would ask for this ASAP, or you may not seem so needy when the divorce comes.

 

We posted at the SAME TIME. Weird how we both had the same initial thought.... "Where is LH's lawyer???"

[amaysngrace]

We posted at the SAME TIME. Weird how we both had the same initial thought.... "Where is LH's lawyer???"

 

It must be that 'smart minds' working again!

[Lor]

I know what I'd said before, LH, and now I take it back. LJ is right, what is your lawyer doing? Get on him/her to get that temp order in the works NOW! Change your checking account, credit cards, you name it. Balls to the walls time, protect yourself and your daughter.

 

Fry his azz.