Obsessed with my husband's ex and don't know why!!! (long)

[Guest]

Ok, I know I may sound a bit looney here but lemme give you a little background. Husband and I have been married for 6 years. He has a 10 year old son by someone he dated in highschool but toward the end of their relationship he was sorta seeing both of us until he decided to settle down (with me).

 

Ex-girlfriend/Baby Mother and I started out with problems. She is the sugary nice type that would give one a toothache just with a simple hello. I couldn't stand her and could see straight through her fakeness. But for the sake of their child I was as cordial to her as I could possibly be but during the first few years of our marriage there were a few less than nice run ins between us. For the past 6 years (for as long as we've been married) H hasn't been able to stand Ex-girlfriend/Baby Mother because of some of the irresponsible things she's done concerning their son and he lets it be known to all.

 

About three years ago Ex-girlfriend/Baby Mother and I buried the hatchet because the stress of marriage is enough let alone dealing with an Ex-girlfriend/Baby Mother who will never go away. Things seem to be going good between us, we're getting along just fine, actually communicating more than her and my H. She meets a guy, becomes pregnant and engaged. Things are so good between us at that time that when we see each other we would embrace and engage in small talk. At that point I was really feeling good that we had gotten over our issues. She would play with my son and I would play with her new baby and congratulated her when she found out she was pregnant with baby #3.

 

About two years ago H and I seperated and of course I didn't see Ex-girlfriend/Baby Mother or have to deal with her. Her baby (Baby #3) died two or so weeks after she had given birth to him so, even though H and were seperated (we were still trying to work things out), I sent a condolences card on OUR behalf. Well I never received a phone call or a thank you for acknowledging her loss but she had the nerve to ask my husband why HE hadn't signed the card (as if my signature for the both of them wasn't good enough). A few months later she's working at a day care next to H's apartment complex and he tells me that she asked him if she could drive his car one day to go and get herself lunch (H told her HELL NO!). Now by this time she is MARRIED.

 

At this point I was confused because I thought she respected me and my marriage but I was feeling like she was only doing certain things b/c she knew I was living with H.

 

In September I called her (H and I were still seperated) to ask if I could pick her son up (my stepson) b/c I was going to take him and my son to see a movie and when she heard my voice she sounded a bit thrown off, like she was wondering why I was calling her. This was odd to me since, before, she would always seem SOOOOO happy to see/hear from me. She said I could pick him up and when that day arrive she, nor my stepson, were nowhere to be found. I thought that was very inconsiderate of her to not at least call. Butnow that I think about it I think she just didn't want him to come with me. I'm thinking she felt like since H and I were seperated she was glad I was out the picture, even though, she pretended to be such a good friend of mine previously.

 

Anyway to make a long story short she's been acting really strange since H and I have been seperated (although we're now back together) and I feel naive for falling trusting her enough to think things were cool between us. Before she would go out of her way to speak and now she won't even look my way when she sees me coming. Why the sudden change? I don't know. I know my husband hasn't messed around with her at all.

 

But it's weird b/c I find myself thinking about her WAY too much. For instance I'll hope to run into her in public or at my in-laws or something. I'm 7mos pregnant by H and I want her to see me pregnant. When my son is at my in-laws and she comes by to pick up her son I ask my son what she said to him and what he said to her. I know this is unhealthy and I feel like a fool for even thinking about her as much as I do. I know I should just let it go but I don't know why I can't. I'm not jealous of her an anyway because My H doesn't even SPEAK to her...AT ALL...like, NEVER!

 

I can't figure out why I'm so preoccupied with her. I feel embrassed even typing/admitting it on the web. Why can't I just get her out of my friggin' mind? It's becoming insane. I think maybe it's because she seems so indifferent to me now and before she was calling our home every other day for stupid ****. Is it that I'm so used to her drama that now I don't know how handle not dealing with it????

[norajane]

Hmm, don't know. Are you jealous of her in some way? Or envious of something she has?

[amaysngrace]

I think losing a baby changes people. They say it is the biggest heartache you can ever face.

 

Why don't you try to talk with her about it? Maybe you didn't give her enough of what she needed when she needed it most, and your husband saying 'hell, no' to borrowing his car wasn't too nice either. Maybe she is hurt by the lack of compassion shown by you both.

[Guest]

norajane,

 

No, it's not that I'm jealous of anything she has. My life is actually much better than hers. Insecure for some reason, maybe. She's been really indifferent, wishy/washy toward me and it's bugging me and I think I'm upset because I thought we were okay and I actually trusted her after feeling like her only objective to being nice was to sabotage my life. I let my guard down.

 

 

I think losing a baby changes people. They say it is the biggest heartache you can ever face.

 

Why don't you try to talk with her about it? Maybe you didn't give her enough of what she needed when she needed it most, and your husband saying 'hell, no' to borrowing his car wasn't too nice either. Maybe she is hurt by the lack of compassion shown by you both.

 

I won't try and talk to her b/c I've done that(unsuccessfully) several times in the past when we've had issues . Maybe you're right about loosing the baby being traumatic for her (but she was nasty to my H and he's the one who's mean to her, NOT ME). and I have to disagree with what you said about using his car being 'not too nice'. She wasn't trying to use his car for anything pertaining to their son. She and her husband have their own car, she has two sisters who live here, two brothers, a grandmother, her mother and cousins. so why is she trying to us my H's???? I think that's very sneaky and disrespectful. I don't think there was really any 'compassion' due her by us.

 

I think she's treating me this way b/c she never really liked me anyway and was glad we weren't together. Then she got pissed when she found out we were back together.

[Adora]

Is she happily married with her husband now? Or did they just 'tie-the-knot" because she became pregnant. Maybe she cut off communication with you during the split because she 'thought' there was a possibility of slithering her way back into your H's life? Even tho he doesn't have those feelings for her doesn't mean she doesn't for him.

 

I don't know what else really, maybe just talk with her, find out what the deal is and let her know you noticed a change, and that it hurt you.

[Mz. Pixie]

Are you guys still separated or are you back together??

 

If you're still separated I think in your mind you're scared she might want to get back with him- it's either that or you are obsessing about that to keep your mind of the separation- which is really bothering you.

 

I would tell her that it bothered you and ask her if you'd done something to bother her or make her angry. That way you took the first step. Then allow her to take the rest.

[Guest]

Adora,

 

I think she just 'tied-the-knot' because she was pregnant and unwed a third time. They guy she married already had two children by two different mothers (3 including her). She recently found out he cheated on her and I just happend to find this out. It's really none of my business and I don't try to make it my business what goes on in her marriage. I do, however, agree completely with you, Adora, that when she found out we were seperated she thought she could slither her way back in. Or even if she doesn't want to be with him sexually, I think she feels like she should have SOME kind of connection/close friendship with my H and that was not happening when H and I were living together so she found our seperation as her chance.

[MLH 77]

(Okay, I just went ahead and registered so that, as a guest, I didn't have to wait for my posts to be reviewed and then posted)

 

Mz Pixie,

We are in the process of moving back together. I kind of don't want to broach the subject with her b/c I feel she may reject or dismiss me and then I'll feel like a complete idiot. I really feel stupid for even putting this much thought into her so I definitely don't want her (or anyone else) to know I'm loosing sleep over it (well not really but you get my drift).

[MLH 77]

Please tell me I'm not the only one who's ever felt like this Maybe I'm in the wrong forum

[amaysngrace]

I don't think there was really any 'compassion' due her by us.

 

 

Well then you and I see things differently, I believe. I think if she was your friend, as you said, one you hugged when greeting her hello and goodbye, then I would say you should have offered your sympathy and compassion to her at her time of loss. I know you said you sent a card, but your biggest complaint was why she wondered why your husband hadn't signed it. To me, that's not being a friend at all. I am the type of friend who genuinely cares for my friends. And if one of my friends lost their baby, you'd better believe I'd offer more than a mailed card to her.

 

But that's just me.

 

Seems to me you kept her close to keep an eye on her as well. Not for friendship, as you like to give the impression of it being. You were happy you and she were closer than your hubby and she was.

 

No offense, but no wonder you have drama with this scenario you call life.

[norajane]

It could also be that she knows you're pregnant and doesn't want to see you - losing her baby could make her very, very sad when she sees or talks to women who are pregnant. That you especially want her to see you in your condition seems insensitive.

 

The car thing...well, if she was next door to your H's office, it's likely that his car was the closest one for her to borrow to get lunch.

 

It sounds like you are competitive with her. She might be picking up on that and would prefer to avoid you.

 

You're spending a lot of energy worrying about her and thinking about her...in the past, have you been obssessive about other things? Is this a pattern where you fixate on something and can't let it go? It might be time to seek some therapy and figure out what's going on inside your head.

[hotgurl]

Maybe her acting weird has nothing ot do with you or your hubby and everything to do with her situation.

 

She just lost a child and found out her hubby is cheating on her. She has better things to worry about than you and your hubby. And I think rubbing your pregnancy in her face would be a really crappy thing to do.

[MLH 77]

I don't recall ever saying we were FRIENDS and forgive me if I did. For the benefit of my step-son and the fact that we would HAVE to deal with each other we showed ourselves FRIENDLY to one another. We buried the hatchet, got rid of the animosity, tried to be as cordial and friendly as possible. We weren't going out to lunch, talking on the phone and swapping secrets. She's my husbands ex-girlfriend for godssake I don't think I'd ever consider her my friend. HOWEVER, I do think we were to a point where we liked each other enough to be nice. Hell she didnt even invite me to her wedding, wouldn't you think she would if she considered me her FRIEND? Should I be offended...No! I felt like in the situation we were in, sending a card was enough to let her know I was thinking about her and genuinely sorry for her loss. She doesn't invite me to her house for dinner, and I don't invite her to mine. I don't ask her to watch my child or confide in her about my marriage and neither does she. THAT'S what FRIENDS would do. I said I thought we were COOL.

 

Maybe you're having a hard time understanding the situation, which is understandable. But don't judge me because of your lack of understanding.

[MLH 77]

She didn't JUST loose a baby, it was almost a year and a half ago.

 

I might think my pregnancy played a part too but she was acting this like this WAY before I found out I was pregnant. So that has nothing to do with it.

 

I still don't agree with the car thing. I presume not many of you have a spouse who has a child by someone else so I can see how you wouldn't see her asking to borrow his car as a big deal.

 

How would you like to happen see your spouses ex driving his car while you're seperated. I think everyone would be singing a different tune.

 

Therapy, possibly.

 

Thanks for the responses. They're really appreciated.

[amaysngrace]

She didn't JUST loose a baby, it was almost a year and a half ago.

 

 

 

See, to me this sounds insensitive. What do you expect her to do...get over it already?

 

I'm sorry if I sound judgmental towards you, I'm just going on what you've written.

 

I have never lost a child, thankfully, but my mother has. Twice. My siblings. And to think it doesn't affect a mother of the deceased anymore because it's been over a year is just plain unrealistic. And a little heartless.

 

It is a life-changing event. The greatest pain one will ever have to deal with. Or so say the experts.

 

Personally, I think you should avoid her. If you can only see how she's done you wrong instead of trying to see where her head is at, then I really think it's best if you would just leave her alone.

 

Again, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes. And given the circumstances you've described, she deserves more of my understanding than you do at this time.

[MLH 77]

Excuse me, but I don't understand anyone's interpretation of me being insensitive when she lost her baby. When her baby died I was very sorry for her. I saw her husband out at a store and sincerely expressed to him how sorry I was for their loss and asked him to pass it along to her. I sent a card expressing how sorry I was for her loss. What more should I have done? The situation between us had already been less than perfect. I think i would have been completely out of line to bombard her during that time.

 

By the quote I was simply clearing up another posters implying that it happened recently. I don't deny in ANY way that she has been through something very traumatic.

[hotgurl]

She didn't JUST loose a baby, it was almost a year and a half ago.

 

I might think my pregnancy played a part too but she was acting this like this WAY before I found out I was pregnant. So that has nothing to do with it.

 

I still don't agree with the car thing. I presume not many of you have a spouse who has a child by someone else so I can see how you wouldn't see her asking to borrow his car as a big deal.

 

How would you like to happen see your spouses ex driving his car while you're seperated. I think everyone would be singing a different tune.

 

Therapy, possibly.

 

Thanks for the responses. They're really appreciated.

 

Well I was just thinking that maybe your are taking it too personal because of you seperation etc...

 

If you weren't freinds and just saw each other because of your H kid than it makes sense during the seperation she wouldn't talk to you etc...

 

Besides not responding to a sympathy card which I think you should cut her soem slack with that one. Asking for a ride (your right I don't see the problem but I am not married) and not dshowing up with her son (a crappy thing to do) what else is she doing that is weird. Is she just colder to you?

 

1 1/2 is a long time but really not if you greiving the loss of a child. If you lost you child do you think you'd be over it in 1 1/2 years. Some people never get over it and are different forever and it can wreck havoic on a marriage. Plus her husband is cheating.

 

I wonder if you are being overly sensitive to her givin your recent seperation and the history she has with your husband.

[MLH 77]

Well I was just thinking that maybe your are taking it too personal because of you seperation etc...

 

If you weren't freinds and just saw each other because of your H kid than it makes sense during the seperation she wouldn't talk to you etc...

 

Besides not responding to a sympathy card which I think you should cut her soem slack with that one. Asking for a ride (your right I don't see the problem but I am not married) and not dshowing up with her son (a crappy thing to do) what else is she doing that is weird. Is she just colder to you?

 

1 1/2 is a long time but really not if you greiving the loss of a child. If you lost you child do you think you'd be over it in 1 1/2 years. Some people never get over it and are different forever and it can wreck havoic on a marriage. Plus her husband is cheating.

 

I wonder if you are being overly sensitive to her givin your recent seperation and the history she has with your husband.

 

 

Thank You HotGurl,

I think you've brought up some very valid points. Maybe I am being too sensitive about the entire situation and should just let it go. Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with me and everything to do with what she's been dealing with. I think I was takign it way too personal.

 

Yes, of course there are other odd behaviors but I would never be able to give a a brief description here. It'd wind up being a novel.

 

Oh yes, and I wasn't offended that she didn't respond to the sympathy card in the least. I found it strange that she thought it enough to question my H about WHO signed it and who DIDN'T sign it. To me that shouldn't have made a difference and that it should have been enough that one was sent by us.

 

Thanks for not being so judgemental and at least trying to offer some insight. I was already feeling crazy without the help of some people who have replied here.

 

Thanks again.

[norajane]

Oh yes, and I wasn't offended that she didn't respond to the sympathy card in the least. I found it strange that she thought it enough to question my H about WHO signed it and who DIDN'T sign it. To me that shouldn't have made a difference and that it should have been enough that one was sent by us.

 

Well, if he didn't send her ANY card or express sympathy, then I think she might be offended and question him. It's not about you, but his response to her loss.

[hotgurl]

anyways if you think about it even if she is doing this on purpose you are giving it too much importance in your life. You are letting her effect you a lot and spending a lot of energy on her.

 

It really doesn't matter why she is doing what she is doing whether out of the pain she is feeling or out of spite.

 

You have just reconciled with your hubby and have a baby on the way. Maybe if you just decided to feel compassion or pity for her and her situation and joy for yourself. It won't bug you as much.

[Brittjean06]

Guest you are not crazy! I thought I was the only one who sometimes had those obssesive thoughts on people. And yeah it is kind of embarssing I know exactly what your talking about. No your not jealous at all thinking about someone constantly does not make you jealous.

 

1) she had a kid with your husband of course she will stand out in your mind, your a curious person( I am too )

2) you guys started off bad but than remained good friends and that made you happy in a way, you probaly admired her right?

3) she is now acting a little bit cold towards you, and that is what cought your attention and that is why she stands out in your head again.

 

This may not be all about you either like people have said here losing a child is the worst heartache ever imaginable. I really don't think anything is really intentionally towards you!

 

And again you are not crazy alot of girls are like this too when they admire someone.

[blind_otter]

She didn't JUST loose a baby, it was almost a year and a half ago.

 

In her defense, I miscarried and found it really difficult to be around pregnant women or hear about pregnancy at all for over a year after I miscarried. I imagine it may be even worse when you go through the entire pregnancy and lose the child shortly after birth. I have an older sister who passed this way, a few weeks after being born, and my mother still insists we refer to her as "our sister" and every year in January my mother becomes very depressed. It's been 30 years since she lost her oldest child!

 

I still don't agree with the car thing. I presume not many of you have a spouse who has a child by someone else so I can see how you wouldn't see her asking to borrow his car as a big deal.

 

I think it's a big deal. I would be royally pissed, myself. I was dating a man with an exW and a child from his previous marriage and his exW would always ask him to fix her car, or run and go get her some ice cream. He refused but the very fact that she would ask him to do these things kind of irritated me, because she has a boyfriend!

 

I would also be upset if I thought I had forged somewhat of a peace treaty with someone who just kinda randomly decides to drop the peace treaty. I wouldn't trust them again either. Call me crazy, or bitchy, or whatever, but I understand where you're coming from.

[amaysngrace]

I presume not many of you have a spouse who has a child by someone else so I can see how you wouldn't see her asking to borrow his car as a big deal.

 

 

 

Umm...wasn't it your choice to marry a guy who had a kid?

 

Maybe you should try to figure out why you did. Did you realize that 'she' was still in the picture? Did you see how this could be a potential problem for you in dealing with that fact? Did you take all these things into consideration before saying "I do"?

 

I just don't get how people make choices with their lives that will have them thinking crazy, obsessive thoughts later on and then complain that others 'just don't understand' or 'can't relate'.

[blind_otter]

Umm...wasn't it your choice to marry a guy who had a kid?

 

Maybe you should try to figure out why you did. Did you realize that 'she' was still in the picture? Did you see how this could be a potential problem for you in dealing with that fact? Did you take all these things into consideration before saying "I do"?

 

I just don't get how people make choices with their lives that will have them thinking crazy, obsessive thoughts later on and then complain that others 'just don't understand' or 'can't relate'.

 

Because they try to share their issues and problems and people say stuff like this. I mean, have a little compassion. Not everyone carefully considers every step they make in life. Not everyone is perfect or always makes the right decision.

 

And being in the situation, it doesn't help to think what "could have been". She has a now, and has to deal with that now. Filling her head up with regret and self condemnation will not help her out of her current stress.

[amaysngrace]

Because they try to share their issues and problems and people say stuff like this. I mean, have a little compassion. Not everyone carefully considers every step they make in life. Not everyone is perfect or always makes the right decision.

 

And being in the situation, it doesn't help to think what "could have been". She has a now, and has to deal with that now. Filling her head up with regret and self condemnation will not help her out of her current stress.

 

I'm not trying to make her feel regret but mostly just trying to get her to see the situation from another's point of view.

 

She got very defensive because I was siding with the ex. In fact, she seemed to not be giving her the consideration I'd give an acquaintance in the same instance.

 

She should realize that she can't control anyone but herself. So to try to control the ex's actions is pointless. She should concentrate on herself.

 

And then maybe she can make the best of the situation she is in.